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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband with head in the sand and just won't accept anything I say about our problems

104 replies

Redredroses · 25/05/2015 21:23

What would you do if you became really unhappy in your marriage, you had lost all attraction to your dh and couldn't tolerate his control any more. You tried on a number of occasions over a few years to be really honest and tell your dh exactly how you felt and what issues there were but every time he just said it would be alright and that you should try and change the way you feel to like him, be attracted to him and try and be more tolerant of his behaviour????? He absolutely will not see or accept that there are any problems. Despite this he is also continuing to try initiating sex as though he has heard nothing I have said.

OP posts:
Original poster
Redredroses · 27/05/2015 22:55

I was just thinking that. I actually think I'm ready to go now and am going to tell him. I think too much has happened and now even if there was any way of improving the situation, I've felt so worn down for so long that I just want to put my throw my hands in the air and say I give up. I know a long and agonised and detailed discussion will follow that he'll try to talk me round in but I just don't have them motivation to go with any of it. I think he is going to be really awkward but at least I can get away from him eventually somehow.
There's been some really really useful advice on here and it's been very helpful to read others very opinions who have really helped me.

I've felt so lost in this situation for years I've lost perspective of what's normal and I know this isn't.

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tipsytrifle · 27/05/2015 23:08

Is there any way you could do the leaving first and tell him after? Are you at the ready for Go Now point yet? If you tell him and give him the chance to wear you down with goddess knows how many lectures, sleep deprivation for "the talking" ... you might lose heart/mind through exhaustion.

SolidGoldBrass · 27/05/2015 23:41

I really really don't think you should tell him until you have left. I think you are risking more than just a lot of verbal diarrhoea from him. I think there is a fairly strong possiblity that he might hurt you, or destroy your belongings, or lock you in 'until you come to your senses.' He sounds incredibly coercive and controlling and men like this, who simply can't engage with the idea that their wives are human beings, may well become punitive and violent over what they see as disobedience/disrespect/rebellion.

Jux · 27/05/2015 23:59

I agree with SGB and tipsy. Leave first (take the cat with you if you can). Get yourself somewhere safe, then tell him - not in person, or if you must make sure it's in a public place or you have someone with you.

VictoriaAlex439 · 28/05/2015 06:22

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AlternativeTentacles · 28/05/2015 06:38

Why tell him before you do it? He will just try to stop you.

You have independent money, fnd a place to stay, move out and then tell him. Dont tell him where of course, he can go through your solicitor as you will be filing for divorce on grounds of unreasonable behaviour.

tipsytrifle · 28/05/2015 08:23

Just as a by the way, red I very much agree with SGB about his likelihood to imprison or hurt you physically too. Just didn't dare say it earlier. You're in a seriously unstable situation and potentially in danger. You'll never get his "permission" to leave nor should you be asking permission for anything from anyone either. You're a woman with free will (once you own it again) plus the means to get away.

NewTwenty · 28/05/2015 08:33

One of the most useful things I read on here was that you don't need anyone's permission to end a relationship.

Anniegetyourgun · 28/05/2015 08:36

He may not turn physically violent - if he hasn't done anything like that before you won't know unless/until he does - but if you believe that's far-fetched, consider that he may be able to put other obstacles in your way eg financial, hide your important documents (again), make life very difficult for you in all sorts of ways. The very least he will do, and you are I'm sure fully expecting this, is launch into such a massive verbal attack that you don't know whether you're coming or going, will doubt yourself and then give up as you have been trained to do, so you have to go all through the process of gathering your determination again from scratch, while your H ramps up the control now he knows you can't be trusted to stay in your box. You can spare yourself all that.

However, the posters who have mentioned violence are right in that this is the time when a man who is used to absolute control and who sees you as a lesser form of life than himself is most likely to "turn". Why risk it?

Wouldn't it be great to prove you can organise something yourself by organising your freedom?

suzannecanthecan · 28/05/2015 08:51

?
Marriage is a partnership between equals, two people forming an alliance for mutual benefit.
He seems to regard it as a one off transaction where he obtained you and you are now his property ?

Cocosnapper · 28/05/2015 11:25

Spot on post ^^

Jux · 28/05/2015 17:26

Redredroses, are you OK? Thinking of you and wishing you all good things. Hope you are tasting freedom.

RandomMess · 28/05/2015 17:35

I really hope you've packed your bags and left. What a horrible life you've been forced to lead.

Gfplux · 28/05/2015 19:57

Go and see a lawyer.
However plan and make your escape in the next few days.
Just do it.
To use a phrase from a well known radio film programme
"How do I leave my husband"
"You just leave your husband"

cheapskatemum · 28/05/2015 21:05

Thinking of you, hope all is going well.

greenberet · 28/05/2015 22:06

Would suggest you get the books from women's aid - there doesn't need to be anger for emotional abuse and repressed anger is often what underlies the need for control. I never thougt my marriage was abusive either but reading these books and many others confirmed that it was

Original poster
Redredroses · 28/05/2015 22:55

Yes, feeling much more determined to go now. I'm okay thanks, having so many of you in support of me going, I've decided to. I realised I wouldn't be posting here if I wasn't desperate to leave. I've decided I'm going to start looking for places to rent before I say anything so I have the least discussion about it.

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tipsytrifle · 29/05/2015 08:35

That's a very wise and positive decision red. It wouldn't surprise me if you found a small flutter of joy in your heart once you actually see a few properties that might become your home. You and loyal cat, free of misery. Appealing thought, yes?

Never mind the least discussion - no discussion is required about this at all. Discussion implies a two way exploration of possibilities. This isn't one of those situations with several options to be weighed up by equal partners, is it?

Good luck red!

MakeItACider · 29/05/2015 09:51

Get your valuable things somewhere safe as well, Red. In case he decided to 'control' the move.

Bloodymidges · 29/05/2015 09:56

I've been in a relationship with a man like that and it is utterly exhausting.

My advice would be to sort out your place to rent and avoid discussion about it at all.

You know what will happen - he will seem like he is listening - but he is not HEARING you. He is not discussing because discussion goes both ways. He will dissect everything you say and push and push and push and lecture you on all your faults until you are worn out and give up.

Freedom is out there for you. A lovely future where the tension of living with someone like that is just gone. No feelings of dread and panic.

When I moved into my own place it was so wonderful to have MY own little sanctuary. I left all the cupboard doors open! I ate steak pies! Nobody told me off.. at first I felt guilty like I was going to get in trouble - but then the GLEE set in and a massive weight lifted and I laughed and laughed and now I am smiley again.

It's so much better. SO much better. Making the move is the hard bit, but it is so worth it. You can do it - you are capable of so very much more than he thinks you are. I promise you that.

Lottapianos · 29/05/2015 10:01

Red, your life is about to get so very much better. I have been in a controlling relationship and it is beyond exhausting. Every bit of joy gets sucked out of life. He sounds absolutely ghastly and life is far too short and precious to waste it on someone like him. Good for you for putting yourself first, I know its not easy to make the decision but you really do sound like you have had enough. I'm not surprised!

I second all the advice to make plans, leave and then tell him. Don't give him any opportunity to make this difficult or grind you down even further. Good luck to you x

Original poster
Redredroses · 29/05/2015 10:11

The support on here has really helped. Good to know I'm not alone. It's really helped me think what I want to do. Getting the wheels in motion this weekend, when I can escape on my own. I've also realised how much of my behaviour is related to the fairly unrecognised until now stress of the situation. I comfort eat in the evenings, teeth grind, skin issues (I'm sure due to stress) and want to save myself before it's too late. It's quite daunting to face going out alone and thinking about managing everything when it's all been done for me but yes, I can see there will be a light at the end of the tunnel. Pretty frightening but I'm going to do it.

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Original poster
Redredroses · 29/05/2015 10:13

Thanks, really good to know you've survived it. You're right, it is utterly exhausting, the discussion go on and on and on. I so haven't got the energy anymore to get my way.

OP posts:
Original poster
Redredroses · 29/05/2015 10:19

The advice has really helped.

Makeitacider - you're absolutely right, he will try and control my departure, I can just see that. Going to subtly take a few things and documents to my family.

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Bloodymidges · 29/05/2015 10:28

He says;
'I know you better than you know yourself'
'I know what's best for you'
'If you just tried a bit harder'
'I do so much for you'
'It's better if we do it this way'

Internally you think;
'No you don't'
'No you don't'
'No'
'Because that way you can control everything'
'No - it isn't'

But you don't say it because you'll just get into ANOTHER circular discussion where you don't actually change your mind or agree, you just give in, because he will go on and on and on and on until you do.

Very soon - when you are free - You NEVER EVER have to play those scenarios out again. You will have so much more energy. Life stuff that he does for you now - bills,car, insurance - all that stuff. It's really not that hard to do yourself. You'll make mistakes for sure - but you only have to be acountable to yourself for them (there's loads of help online for all kinds of things). Your personal growth will leap as you realise that - essentially - he was full of shit, and you are capable of EVERYTHING.

One day soon you will be tucked up, in a lovely clean bed, in YOUR home and you will cuddle your cat, and feel such an enormous sense of peace and relief. There is loads of support here - we will cheer you on!