Husband with head in the sand and just won't accept anything I say about our problems

[Redredroses]

What would you do if you became really unhappy in your marriage, you had lost all attraction to your dh and couldn't tolerate his control any more. You tried on a number of occasions over a few years to be really honest and tell your dh exactly how you felt and what issues there were but every time he just said it would be alright and that you should try and change the way you feel to like him, be attracted to him and try and be more tolerant of his behaviour????? He absolutely will not see or accept that there are any problems. Despite this he is also continuing to try initiating sex as though he has heard nothing I have said.

TBH I would consider going into a house share for the short term as it will be quicker, easier and cheaper. You can often find them with a very basic contract - rent up front, a few weeks notice to leave etc. So much quicker then renting via a lettings.

Also it may be good to be around other people and know he won't dare try and disturb you.

Just a thought. Absolutely get all your paperwork together. Can you book a day off work unknown to him and move out on that day. You don't need to discuss ANYTHING with him, he is not your jailor or keeper. As your husband he has a right to 50% of all assets - beyond that NOTHING.

Leave him a note "I have left, I am not coming back, my solicitor will be in touch"

I agree with the taking a day off thing, but just a word of warning - I have a friend who did this, and her controlling partner (/ex) came home from work right in the middle of the day while she was moving stuff out of the house to stop her. There was some way he knew - some kind of surveillance or a neighbour had told him, no one knows but he was keeping tabs. If possible, I wouldn't even do this alone.

(Luckily my friend had almost finished and had a taxi waiting and the taxi driver got out and squared up to the ex and he backed off.)

I really don't mean to be dramatic or scare you but it's something to bear in mind.

Good luck this weekend. Hope you find something quickly [fingers crossed]

Thanks. I hadn't thought about a house share as a quicker option. I'll look into that. Yes, will need a day off to get out and going to have to think about how to do that when the time comes.
Bloodymidgets - you've absolutely hit the nail on the head with our discussions. I've done a number of things he's told me to because he knew what I needed to do and I wish I hadn't. You are absolutely right about the circular discussions!

Red, I was living in a house share when I ditched my control freak ex. I will never forget the freedom of going out for the evening with friends / housemates, knowing I could go where I wanted, talk to who I wanted, drink as much as I wanted, and come home when I wanted. All the time having to answer to no one! I marvelled at it for months on end! Life will become so much lighter and freer and joyful when you don't have him dragging you down all the time.

Just skimmed thread but it's this in a nutshell.

You dont love him anymore. Leave.

And also pertinent question. How can he work on anything? OP clearly has no feelings left for him. Been there. Have been instructed to stop being frigid, get turned on, fall back in love. The ball is very firmly in OPs court to end this farce and if she's not acting on her very clear dislike of this man by leaving him then more fool her.

Confused? Wtf? Read the tread.

It's just so draining having those circular (pointless) 'discussions'. Physically, mentally, emotionally.

I just got quieter and quieter. He would then accuse me of not being open enough with him, not wanting to 'discuss' anything... but what's the point if everything you say is just dissected, analysed and you are told in detail why you are wrong. About even the smallest things like which bloody cat food to pick.

Now I feed my cat the food he (the cat) likes the best.

Now I'm in a relationship with a lovely lovely sweetheart of a man who actually understands what a discussion really is. It's not you red, it's him. He won't change because he doesn't think he's wrong. He'll never ever change. It's all output and no input. Control. Blame. Instruction. Lecturing.

I guess I just forgot over time what relationships were supposed to be IFSWIM? Support, love, caring, respect, laughter, fun....

You have maybe 80 spins around the sun on this earth. Don't waste any more of them with someone who instead of enriching your life does the opposite.

You have maybe 80 spins around the sun on this earth. Don't waste any more of them with someone who instead of enriching your life does the opposite.

Gorgeously expressed Bloodymidges.
I also went through the torture and brainwashing described here. It all induces a kind of hypnotic obedience just to stop the noise, abandoning yourself to the black hole seems like a good idea just to be left alone for a bit.

'No I will NOT give you your laptop/jewellery/precious family photos. I have them quite safe and will keep them until you are ready to listen to what I have to say - you are behaving completely irrationally and I am quite concerned for you. I am keeping your things for their own safety! I am your husband and I have every right to protect you from yourself if I think you are unwell...'

Sound a possibility??

Don't speak to him about this AT ALL. Get a rental sorted. Make sure you have all financial stuff - any links with him - under control, and all documents sorted. Upload all data from laptops to the cloud, or get dropbox or similar and get everything on it. Make sure you know where everything irreplaceable or valuable is, and have a morning where you go off to work as normal then come back WITH COMPANY and move the important stuff out then, all at once.

After you're out with anything you value, it will be ok and there won't be anything for him to bribe or negotiate or threaten with.

Please leave before you have kids. This is what I would say to myself pre-kids. It will be difficult but not as bad as staying in a marriage just for the sake of children and being miserable. You have the opportunity to do this whilst life is still relatively uncomplicated. If he's not willing to admit an issue and work towards it, where else can you go with this?

Yes, definitely make sure you get your most valuable items out of the house as soon as possible, particularly anything irreplaceable. Otherwise he will destroy them. (Don't worry too much about bank statements etc as these can be replaced or found online.) If there are precious photographs, scan them and upload the scans or put them on a flash drive and keep it safe.
And yes, if you have a friend or family member who will come and help you pack, that's a good idea. If you are really worried about possible violence or damage to your belongings, you could have a quiet word with the local police DV unit who might be able to send a uniformed officer round to make sure you get away safely.
Best of luck. Freedom's not very far away.

call Women's Aid and ask them to help you make a safe exit plan; or the police DV Unit.

Oh Red, Midges and Sylvanians, how incredible (but sad) to see this all written out as if a script for my H's speeches!
I have DCs so can't walk out in the way PPs are describing. I have said I will leave and have endured several of the lengthy 'talks' (one-way - not discussions) which do make me doubt myself and what I feel and what I think, even though I keep trying to express myself i am not very good at it in the face of the verbal onslaught - it all seems distorted, the blame and the anger. H is distressed, no doubt about it. But will not accept what I say.

The only thing keeping me here is DS (teenager) and how to arrange somewhere to stay which is OK for him to stay over. Applying for jobs as well as rental. So hard to keep the determination going, there is so much to do as well as the emotional battleground.

Good luck Reds, hope you find somewhere to stay soon. Try SpareRoom.com and Gumtree for flatshares. as well as friends.

He says:
You haven't thought this through
You will regret this
You are not thinking straight
There will be years of pain
You haven't tried hard enough
You are completely unrealistic
You can only have your nice life because I facilitate it
You can't justify this

Does that sound familiar?

Damnstatistics, they all use the same script. Goodness knows how as they all think they're unique! Phone Women's Aid, please. This does untold harm not just to you, but to your children too.o

Damnstatistics - that's bizarre that you can write the same things (well, it's not quite so but it is to read it). I've had the same, been told I'll end up alone, I'll regret it, if I started taking action to love him then I would end up feeling like I do!! He's used all kinds of long words to baffle me (he's very academically intelligent) and one of the other issues is that often he just won't leave me alone and in peace without questions, lectures and I'm just exhausted.

Today, during some time when I had a chance I put some enquiries out about accommodation. I realised I don't actually care too much about what I take except personal things, I just want to get out and away. I'm starting to get a glimpse of hope amongst the anguish of going and managing. I think it's going to be quite a rollercoaster ride.

Well done on taking steps forward. I would go as quickly as you can - sounds like a day off work plus a friend for protection and you can be gone.

Please don't tell him just leave a note. "I do not wish to discuss anything with you, I have left. My email address for correspondence is ...."

Honestly block his number/change your mobile etc. etc.

Once you're out, you can get a new sim and use that for everything, but not tell him the new number, so he continues to use the old.

And remember that as there are no children involved you will never have to see or speak to him again. If he tries to 'make' you return, he can be charged with harrassment and even imprisoned... NO adult can legally compel another adult to engage with them against that person's wishes ie anyone can go no-contact with another and the law is on the side of the person refusing contact.

(Even when it's a matter of separating from your DC's co-parent: you can, if necessary, do all the arrangements for contact with DC via a third party and the law cannot make you engage with your ex-partner against your will.)

redredroses: PLEASE be very cautious. People like your husband can be at their most dangerous when they realise their iron-like grip on you is loosening. If you must do any research on accommodation etcetera on your computer at home, please delete your history. In fact, it might be safer to do it at work. Just carry on completely as normal while you do your planning.

Freedom awaits.

Good luck Red! Midges, lol at steak pies and leaving cupboard doors open - Red what freedom fantasies are you anticipating?

When I left escaped I played music all day and all night and went out dancing!

For those feeling embarrassed because they can't beat their EA H in an argument: I used to run rings around XH in an argument, but it didn't make any difference. He still didn't accept my point of view and persisted in treating me like a silly little girl. One way or another, they don't let you win.