Husband with head in the sand and just won't accept anything I say about our problems

[Redredroses]

What would you do if you became really unhappy in your marriage, you had lost all attraction to your dh and couldn't tolerate his control any more. You tried on a number of occasions over a few years to be really honest and tell your dh exactly how you felt and what issues there were but every time he just said it would be alright and that you should try and change the way you feel to like him, be attracted to him and try and be more tolerant of his behaviour????? He absolutely will not see or accept that there are any problems. Despite this he is also continuing to try initiating sex as though he has heard nothing I have said.

Thank you for the further details. I agree with goodcompany2, put actions behind your words about how you want things to change and start with small things. If he continues to ride roughshod over your feelings and you decide to follow most people's advice and leave, you can give him concrete examples of how, actually, he has contributed to the breakdown of the marriage.

I'm intrigued as to how your relationship got to this. Surely he wasn't like this before you married him, as I don't think you would have made those wedding vows he's so keen to hark back to!

OP, life is too short. You no longer like him or are attracted to him. Why bother?

I was wondering how it got to this too. I think I've just been ground down over the years and been way too passive. I think I've just gone along with so much because I've assumed as he's a successful person who had done a lot more in life than me that I should go along with it all. Him always arranging things just seemed to be the natural flow and when I started saying what I'd like to do or if I wanted something to be different, it turns into a huge long discussion that I just can't be bothered to put up the fight, he's an absolute force at times. We were talking earlier today and I just noticed how many times I'll say something and he'll correct me and I just think "whatever", there's no funny, interesting small talk, just lectures and corrections. I think before we were married I didn't feel like I had a lasso round my neck and now I do, surely that's not a normal feeling. Someone once said it seems like I'm out with my Dad!
I realised today it would be absolutely awful if we'd have any children, he would have had absolute control over them. We have a cat, I'm not even allowed to decide what it eats, I'm even told when to feed it and if I leave the food out all day by mistake I have to put it away in a panic as I've not done as he's told me. That's ridiculous.
I could give it one last try. Tell him how I feel, try and stand up to him more and stop him being a control freak (I actually remember him telling me his first wife told him he was a control freak before we got married - really didn't get that at the time though, I do now).

Please, please don't give it one last try.

You are wasting precious years. Do you want a family, children, to enjoy life? You won't with him. You will continue to be as you are now. As was his first wife.

Is a life of constantly battling to stop the person who is supposed to love and support you from grinding you down, a life worth living? Is it any better than what you have now? No. It's the spirit behind it all that matters - that won't change.

Just be very very glad you have strong finances and no children, and please please walk away and save yourself. For YOU. Because you can be happy, free, you can have love and care and true happiness and freedom.

The reason you are here asking these questions and haven't walked out the door yet is because he has ground you down to a position where you feel you have to justify having feelings at all. Please see that that's NOT REAL - the reality is, when he tells you that there are no problems and you need to try harder, a normal response is 'No, you are wrong. There are lots of problems. It's a shame you can't see them, but they are there. That's why I'm leaving - because I don't want to be with you any more. Marriage vows are only for life if it's a good, mutually beneficial, loving life. It's not with you.'

Those sentences are normal, acceptable, understandable to anyone in the real world. You said upthread, you have almost lost your sense of self. While you can still see that, GET OUT.

My DH and I use the term 'handbag' to describe what one of us is at an event. If it's for his business acquaintances - I'm the handbag. If it's for mine - he's the handbag.

Ie, we're the decorative attachment that helps the event flow smoothly, and our primary function is to make it easier for our spouse.

But with our friends, we're equals. At home, we're equals.

It sounds as though your whole life is being treated as your H's (I won't give him the 'D') handbag. You're there as the decorative attachment whose primary function is to make things easier for him.

That can't go on, it really can't.

You need to get out.

This is emotional abuse.

Make the arrangements you need to leave.

Definitely get out. I think you're looking for the magic button at the moment. The magic button is the one that you can press to make him understand that he is treating you badly and should alter his behaviour - you might think the magic button is counselling (it's not) or coming up with a 'better' explanation of why he should stop ordering you about. There is no magic button. He understands perfectly well that you are not happy but he doesn't care.
As a PP said, he basically thinks you're a pet - or maybe a domestic appliance with a fuckable orifice attached. Is he, by any chance, more than five years older than you, and did you meet him when you were under 25 and/or a bit vulnerable? If so, he picked you out because he percieved you as someone he could possess and bully - men like this are terrified of competent, contented women of their own age or older, who will laugh at them and tell them to fuck right off.

So he's controlled 2 wives and it's ended 2 marriages.

I can see why he's so desperate to blame you if you end it - otherwise he's have to face the truth - he has major, major problems.

You can't stop him from being a control freak, and the more you try, the more you stand up to him, the more controlling he will be.

It's possible for him to change his personality. He has no idea how to be other than as he is.

It would never have occurred to me that this is in anyway abusive behaviour. I read a few threads on here to try and find anyone with a similar situation but each time have thought that it's different as he's not horrible or particularly angry, just very forceful, persuasive, determined and well, in control. I can't imagine how he would be any other way now. I can't imagine him ever letting go of the need to be in control I can't imagine him letting me organise anything, he often even takes over if I'm cooking something as he knows something else I should be doing with it. I've told him I feel like the second class citizen most of the time. When I've suggested somewhere to go on holiday he says, go on then, you organise it as though it's a challenge he's waiting to see me mess up. I felt uncomfortable when we were first married and he locked all my important documents away and I had to ask for them if I wanted one. I've managed to get them back now. When his mother comes to stay, I might as well have checked into the local guest house as she completely takes over running the house, she's even worse.

Yes, he is older and looking back, met me at a vulnerable time.
I think I am going to say I can't take anymore. Just need to find the strength to stand up to him.

Just remember, you don't need his permission to do anything. Say to yourself, AND HIM, "I am a grown adult, I can make my own choices!" And repeat to yourself everyday. If he questions you, say it to him, over and over til he gets it. You are not a pet or a child and you deserve not to be treated like one.

Oh crikey, this sounds exhausting and joy sapping, just get the hell out and start again with someone who doesn't have all these issues.

I promise that a year on, you won't be looking back. You'll be wondering why it took you so long. He'll be sucking the joy out of someone else's existence by then

Can I ask how old you both are, OP?

redredroses,

re your comment:-

"I could give it one last try. Tell him how I feel, try and stand up to him more and stop him being a control freak (I actually remember him telling me his first wife told him he was a control freak before we got married - really didn't get that at the time though, I do now)".

Do not do this and waste more time trying to achieve an impossibility; its time to leave. He will never listen to you, such men think they have never done wrong and he will further up the power and control antes here if you start to further challenge him.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Use your energies instead on getting out of this bad marriage and divorcing him. He is really no different to all the other emotionally abusive men I have read of; they are by nature controlling, forceful and persuasive (and adept also at making it all out to be their victim's fault).

Am I surprised that you met him at a low point in your life - not a bit of it. He targeted you OP; he saw an innate emotional vulnerability in you that he has simply exploited to his own ends.

Am I also surprised that his mother acts even worse - no. Controlling behaviour like his is often learnt from parents; we after all learn about relationships from them. The rotten apple did not fall far from the rotten tree.

What did you yourself learn about relationships when growing up?.

I would suggest that you at some point enrol yourself onto Womens Aid Freedom Programme as this is for women who have been in abusive relationships.

Yes the reason you find it hard to stand up to him is because of years of him creating a situation where he is the boss. It's been easier to become passive and it's become a habit, but that is not who you are - you say that quite clearly.

What would happen if you just said no. "No, I don't feel like going away, I'd like to stay at home." "No, I'm sleeping alone tonight because that is what I feel like doing." "No, I'm an adult, I can choose how to feed the cat." Would he try to force the matter?

I think as you have no DC, you do need to just leave him as it doesn't look as if he will change and you have a free and happy life waiting for you. What's to try to save? You're unhappy and he won't listen to you as maintaining power over you is all that matters to him. It would give you sense of control over your future to start separating yourself financially, see a lawyer and work out how it can all be done, think about a place to live etc.

Fly safely redredroses.

You can just leave you know, you don't have to "stand up to him".

Get your documents together, and your finances sorted out, see a solicitor and leave.

Be careful: don't give the movers the address etc until they are well away from him. Might be a good idea to move your things to storage before you arrange a second movers to your new home.

Sorry to be pessimistic, but I'd say he'll be a nightmare, and you'll need help to get him to leave you alone. Get legal advice, and advice from womens aid also.

Good luck, and blessings!

Just need to find the strength to stand up to him.

No, you just need to find the strength to leave him.

Standing up to him will not have the effect you think: he will not start listening, he will not start considering your wishes and your needs, he will not find new respect for you: he will simply get angry that his control is slipping and tighten the noose. He will think that you are going wrong as a wife.

By all means try if you don't believe us, but be careful because it will be very stressful.

It's possible for him to change his personality

This post of mine was meant to say it's not possible for him to change, obviously.

Control is emotional abuse. He also has a history of this. Look up Lundy Bancroft, book about this. Men like this wear you down until it can affect your mental health, and identity. I would get away as fast as you can.

It's one thing somebody having opinions and helping out with organising etc, entirely differences when the balance of power had shifted and you are smothered and unable to express or be yourself. That's no way to live

It doesn't matter whether it "counts" as abuse or not. You have the right to leave a relationship that isn't working for you, and this one clearly isn't.

It also doesn't matter whether he does it on purpose or not. He rides rough-shod over you, he needs to get his way in everything, whenever you do try to stand up for yourself you're battered down with words. You could perhaps get your own way occasionally but it would be exhausting. You are living a half-life, and seriously, do you think he's capable of changing after a lifetime of habit? He's just one of life's steamrollers, and you need to get off the tarmac before you've entirely had the life flattened out of you.

Didn't mean to look as though I was disagreeing with viridus as I actually do agree. My point is you don't need to get bogged down with what label to give it to know that it is no fun and is not good for you.

Don't tell him you're leaving. I was going to say he will turn all nice and 'understanding' for a bit but given what you posted about him locking up your paperwork I think he's more likely to turn dangerous. Once you have arranged somewhere to move to and taken advice on separating your finances, just pack your bags and go. As there are no children to worry about, you can in fact refuse any kind of contact with him. He has no rights at all with regard to seeing you, phoning you, writing to you, though he will probably behave as if he has. If he ever gave you any idea that the police could be called to 'bring you home' then don't worry about them for a single second. You are an adult and you are not property. Everyone has the right to dump a partner for any reason whatsoever and you do not need his permission to leave him.
Good luck. It's going to feel amazing once you're away from him.

You're not living in a guest house, you're living in a prison.

What is keeping you in this relationship? You don't have children so easier to just leave.

Or do you want your whole life to be like this?

Wishing you strength to do what is right for YOU.

When he says, "'go on then, you organise it' as though it's a challenge he's waiting to see me mess up", what do you do? I'm guessing you don't immediately retort,
"Ok then, I will. Just you watch me!" I think he has taken your self confidence away by stealth. Like you, I take vows seriously (how few things do we make vows about these days?), but from what you're saying, I think it will be extremely hard work to win back the ground you've lost in this relationship and even if you do, there's nothing to suggest you will love your (D)H again at the end of it.

Wishing you all the best, whatever you decide. Remember we're here for handholding.