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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not sure exactly what this is?

112 replies

Bitconfused75 · 16/04/2015 21:43

Hi
First time poster so be gentle.
I am trying to figure out what is going on with DP and whether I have anything to worry about. We've been married for 15 years and have two kids.
A year or so ago DP mentioned a woman he met through work- they kept in touch as friends, both work in the same sector, she lives at the opposite end of the country.
To cut a long story short I found some messages on Facebook nothing sexual, just lots of them and very chatty. It was obvious from the content of the messages that they speak a lot (including Christmas Eve!) and have met up a couple of times.
I know I shouldn't have but I checked his phone and it looks like he speaks to her every week day for at least 45 minutes sometimes a lot more and often finishes the call before he comes into the house. There are also loads of texts. I knew that they spoke but not this much. There is nothing in any of the texts or the messages that suggests anything romantic but it's the sheer volume - sometimes 10 or 12 a day.
Should I be worried? And should I say anything?

OP posts:
Christinayangstwistedsister · 16/04/2015 21:47

Yes you should say something, has he mentioned to you that he talks to her so often?

BlueDressingGown · 16/04/2015 21:48

Did he not mention meeting up with her? I don't speak to my very closest friends for anything like that amount.

It sounds like an emotional affair, at the very least.

I'm sorry. :(

Original poster
Bitconfused75 · 16/04/2015 21:49

No certainly not that they speak every day - he mentions her in passing on occasion.

OP posts:
Christinayangstwistedsister · 16/04/2015 21:51

Yes, unfortunately I agree with Blue

PeppermintPasty · 16/04/2015 21:53

I don't think I would be able to stop myself from commenting.

Although I have a very old friend who I used to message this way, and he me. He's married and there was nothing dodgy in it on either side, and I believe I can speak for him. We had/have a terrific fondness for each other having worked side by side throughout our twenties.

However, the volume was never this great and in no way was any of it kept from his wife (she used to be my secretary and I helped get them together).

I suppose what I'm saying is that there are a myriad of different types of relationship, but I think you'd be foolish to ignore the volume.

I'm also suss about this bit "and often finishes the call before he comes into the house". Not great, sorry.

ovumahead · 16/04/2015 21:55

This does sound concerning. Especially if he's being secretive. I can't imagine having this much communication with someone without at least hoping and fantasising that something would happen. Also it does sound like it's been going on for a long time. Sorry you're having to deal with this FlowersWine

Original poster
Bitconfused75 · 16/04/2015 21:56

But there is nothing at all in any of the messages to suggest anything romantic - from either of them. She is single btw. Most of the texts are just chatty and arranging when they will speak.

OP posts:
ovumahead · 16/04/2015 21:57

Also I'd wonder whether he has half wanted you to discover the messages as he hasn't done a good job of hiding them..

ovumahead · 16/04/2015 21:58

Doesn't matter so much about the content, it's the frequency that would alarm me. Is he in touch with anyone else this much?

PeppermintPasty · 16/04/2015 21:58

I don't think that makes a blind bit of difference. It's fulfilling a need in both of them. I too think at the very least it's an EA.

ovumahead · 16/04/2015 21:59

Also what are they speaking about when they have these long, daily phone calls?!

Original poster
Bitconfused75 · 16/04/2015 22:00

The messages were on a computer I don't use at all - tbh he doesn't message anyone very often and doesn't speak to his mates more than a couple of times a month. If I confront him should I tell him to stop speaking to her if they are just good friends?

OP posts:
PeppermintPasty · 16/04/2015 22:04

I'd want to have a very frank chat with him about why, and I'd expect him to be open about it. But the reality is you'll probably get denial, bluffing it out, incredulity, etc etc, maybe even outrage-"how dare you suggest..." And so on.

I think you also need to think about what you are and are not prepared to accept. What is your deal breaker?

Original poster
Bitconfused75 · 16/04/2015 22:37

I may sound a bit naive here but what is an emotional affair? I really don't think he has cheated as he honestly is a man of principles - I do trust him or I thought I did.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 16/04/2015 22:44

I'd be a bit Confused as to why it would form part of the 'how was your day?' conversation. Surely it'd come up who you spoke to and basic topics of discussion.

ThreeornotToThree · 16/04/2015 22:51

I'd be really concerned about something like that to be honest, if they speak so often at length then you would have thought calls would naturally sometimes occur when he is at home...unless he is hiding something? So sorry for you worrying about it. It's probably my greatest (and, to my knowledge, completely unfounded) fear to discover infidelity. Makes my blood run cold. Virtual hug.

Mumfun · 16/04/2015 22:54

An emotional affair is when you have a romantic/intimate relationship with someone without sex having happened. The concerning thing here (sorry) is that he is spending so much time talking to her that it is likely he is being intimate with her on matters that he should be having with you. He is sharing with her and this then threatens your relationship as he can slip more and more into it.

Wotsitsareafterme · 16/04/2015 23:10

Is it work stuff though? When they met up was it at conferences or something like that? Are they at similar career stages?

I am in touch with a male school friend in this way. We don't speak on the phone much but we text around the clock most of the time. We both have partners. There's nothing sexual and it's nothing like an emotional affair we are just close.

Your dp hasn't hidden this nor has he drawn attention to it but I wouldn't jump to conclusions just yet op

Original poster
Bitconfused75 · 16/04/2015 23:18

Some of it is work stuff, they work in the same sector. A lot of it is pretty general stuff about music, hobbies and the Facebook messages are generally how was your weekend etc. His friend has had a rough time recently with a bereavement so a lot of it was about that too although she has also split with her husband.

OP posts:
Wotsitsareafterme · 16/04/2015 23:24

But no flirting/innuendo?do you know the circs of them meeting? I think that's all that would worry me since you said she's far away. Unless it was 'great to see you at boring trade fair etc'

Original poster
Bitconfused75 · 16/04/2015 23:29

No it looks as if they had arranged a day out together. L

OP posts:
TheWindowDonkey · 16/04/2015 23:39

Does he speak to you that much? I know you live together, but would you say you got more than 45 minutes of his undivided attention a day? How long does it take him to get home? Could it be that he has just got into th habit of calling her on the way hime to discuss work stuff. In my twenties i had a friend i woud call every night on my commute home. Though there was romantic interest in our case i can see how i'd have done the same with a neutral friend.

hidingfromthem · 16/04/2015 23:44

i would not be happy about this.
sorry.

Original poster
Bitconfused75 · 16/04/2015 23:47

No we probably don't speak for that length of time he has lots of hobbies which take him out of an evening - it's also longer than his commute. Some of the calls were a couple of hours in the middle of the day too.

OP posts:
winkywinkola · 16/04/2015 23:52

A day out together?!?

It's the secrecy that's troubling.

I would ask him about it.

It could be an ea. It could be a good friendship but it's too frequent and regular imo.