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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not sure exactly what this is?

112 replies

Bitconfused75 · 16/04/2015 21:43

Hi
First time poster so be gentle.
I am trying to figure out what is going on with DP and whether I have anything to worry about. We've been married for 15 years and have two kids.
A year or so ago DP mentioned a woman he met through work- they kept in touch as friends, both work in the same sector, she lives at the opposite end of the country.
To cut a long story short I found some messages on Facebook nothing sexual, just lots of them and very chatty. It was obvious from the content of the messages that they speak a lot (including Christmas Eve!) and have met up a couple of times.
I know I shouldn't have but I checked his phone and it looks like he speaks to her every week day for at least 45 minutes sometimes a lot more and often finishes the call before he comes into the house. There are also loads of texts. I knew that they spoke but not this much. There is nothing in any of the texts or the messages that suggests anything romantic but it's the sheer volume - sometimes 10 or 12 a day.
Should I be worried? And should I say anything?

OP posts:
pnutter · 16/04/2015 23:55

The secrecy and the volume of messages / calls would trouble me. How very shit. I'm sorry. What a horrible situation.

YellowTulips · 17/04/2015 00:03

I call/text my team regularly in a work context.

In an operational crisis I'd be potentially online with them (note the multiple) for 24 hours.

I don't spend time speaking online or the phone otherwise.

Sorry but you don't spend that amount of time communicating with someone for work,

IcecreamSkoda · 17/04/2015 00:36

I wouldn't automatically be worried if my DH had a female friend especially as I have had male friends without there being the tiniest hint of anything flirty etc but I would have concerns about what you are describing. It's odd to spend that much time in the phone. I don't think it's definitely a sexual or emotional affair but it is inappropriate.

I'd speak to him about it.

badbaldingballerina123 · 17/04/2015 02:59

I agree with others who say this is emotional affair territory. Secret meetings are way over the line.

Wotsitsareafterme · 17/04/2015 06:46

A day out? Ok that's a bit different. Was that in work time? How did he manage that without you knowing?

Original poster
Bitconfused75 · 17/04/2015 09:54

They met up when she travelled down here for work I think - but it looks like they arranged a second day where she came just to see him. There was no overnight stop just a day down here catching up. But if they speak every day what were they catching up on? Starting to worry now.

OP posts:
winkywinkola · 17/04/2015 10:21

You should know if he's spending so much time with one particular person.

A frank conversation between you is required here.

hellsbellsmelons · 17/04/2015 10:31

he honestly is a man of principles
Oh yes, they all are!! NOT...
I would say 90% of women on here who wonder about changes in behaviour of their men say this exact thing.
I said it about my husband too.
They are until they meet someone they consider more special, someone they have more of a connection with.
This is how my husbands affair started.
Nip it in the bud now. None of this good news.

Original poster
Bitconfused75 · 17/04/2015 11:10

It gets worse - I have just found an email from her which says she has feelings for him, that she is in love with him, but that she knows he is married and will never mention it again. It is dated before they met up. And I can't see his reply...

OP posts:
MelonBallersAreStrange · 17/04/2015 11:25

Can I just check some facts here?

They spent a day together in secret after an email where she said she loves him. He never told you about that email.

This was preceded by several months of texting 10-12 times a day and speaking on the phone for 45 minutes a day.

What is ambiguous here?

Has he started behaving as if you irritate him yet?

Perhaps you should see a solicitor now so you know the facts before he leaves you. At a guess in 6-9 months time.

BolshierAyraStark · 17/04/2015 11:29

The fact he has kept all of this a secret from you would indicate that he isn't in fact a good man. You need to have it out with him & decide from that what you wish to do.

BuzzardBird · 17/04/2015 11:35

You definitely need to talk about this. OK, he may have met up with her to let her down gently and tell you that there is no way anything is going to happen, she is obviously going through a very vulnerable time and hopefully your DH can see that...but, he should have told you all of this.

Why do you think he has not told you? Do you think it is because he loves being her friend and knows he would have to put a stop to it? Do you think that he is lining her up for a bit on the side?

caitsmummy · 17/04/2015 13:09

Doesnt sound very good, but on the other hand it could be completley innocent! Keep posting here and the lovley ladies (and men) will advice and support you throughout. X

DaneBowers · 17/04/2015 13:10

How are you OP?

What do you think you'll do?

mummymeister · 17/04/2015 13:15

sorry but I agree with melonballers. none of this is good news. he has a huge emotional investment in this women. even if someone was your best friend would you really be talking to them every single day on the phone for 45 mins? the fact that he doesn't talk to her at weekends shows this is something he wants hidden from you. if it was an open friendship then he would of course be contacting her at weekends and when you were around and he would make mention of it.

Your DP is clearly enjoying the attention from this other female. it isn't harmless fun or a harmless relationship. why isn't he talking to you for 45 minutes a day about things in your life? because bluntly you are less exciting to him than she is. she is stroking his ego and making him feel good about himself.

The affair may not have become physical yet but it is an affair and it will become physical. you have to have it out with him now. tell him you have seen all the texts, all the phone calls and ask him why he feels the need to talk to her so much every day.

the secret meeting? yep I give it 6 - 9 months before he leaves as well.

God these men are so stupid. they always follow the "affair script". see it time and time again.

LL0015 · 17/04/2015 13:16

It will progress. It will become sexual. It always does.

Ask him how she is, watch his reaction. Ask when he last spoke to her. I am betting he lies.

I found 4000 txt messages from my husband to his 'friend'. He was sleeping with her.

PeppermintPasty · 17/04/2015 13:33

Oh. Not good. If it hasn't happened yet, the physical side soon will. What a selfish twat he is. So sorry Bitconfused

Have you had a chance to talk to him?

Jan45 · 17/04/2015 13:39

This definitely not okay, who does that with any friend, work related or not. They are having an EA at the very least - the sex will be happening soon, you must confront him.

winkywinkola · 17/04/2015 13:54

I have just found an email from her which says she has feelings for him, that she is in love with him, but that she knows he is married and will never mention it again.

Well, that is sly. She was testing the water there under some phony guise of respecting his married status. Of course she couldn't care less about your marriage.

They are taking the piss right under your nose. I'm Angry for you. It happened to me but my h's emotional affair was much shorter because I found out very early in the game. She gave him some sob story

I really hope your h does care about your marriage. You must tell him you know.

If he is having an affair, the best thing is that he leaves for now so you have a bit of space to sort your head out and decide what YOU want after such a betrayal. Make it about your choice, not his. He doesn't get to decide. You are in charge. Don't let him think he gets to choose.

If you let him stay, he will simply take the piss.

ThreeornotToThree · 17/04/2015 15:19

OP, really feel for you. i have less experience in seeing this kind of stuff happen, so optimist in me would say perhaps perhaps there is an element of flattery going on here, he is enjoying attention and ego boost but is not having it off with her (or not yet) and actually does not want to leave you nor kids and will feel like a complete tit when you speak to him about it. what a fool. be as calm as poss and speak directly but do not be psycho, you will prob regret it. good luck.

Cherryapple1 · 17/04/2015 15:33

whether it is sexual or not, he has kept it a secret. That is enough of a betrayal isn't it?

And you often find the most unfaithful man will claim to be the most honest - sorry.

pdxs · 17/04/2015 15:41

The amount of contact is way over the top, so not surprised by that email.... when was it and has he responded appropriately by telling her to back off, or is he encouraging it?

Original poster
Bitconfused75 · 17/04/2015 15:58

The email was five months ago and they are still in touch. I can't see his reply. Does an EA always progress to sex? Could forgive him the flattery/ego boost stuff but not the secrecy or if he had taken it further.

OP posts:
pdxs · 17/04/2015 16:08

So she sent this email, and then a couple of weeks later on Xmas eve he was talking on the phone to her?

She is in the wrong, very bold, and does not care about your marriage : but she is not your problem (there would always be someone )

With this info, if your husband had any sense and wanted to respect your marriage he would have dialled her way back and also maybe mentioned to you that she was crossing the line/might have a crush - to put you on alert

His secrecy speaks volumes. It may be nothing has happened yet, but it's only time - and shows you he is capable of keeping secrets

His behaviour is the issue... but think through best way to tackle it. Will confrontation help/hurt? Certainly you should make clear you know... would seeing a counsellor help to get to bottom of WHY? It's a shame for you that he is behaving poorly, and not any fault of yours, but he must be getting something out of this attention. So either there is a relationship problem between you to fix, or he's an immature man who likes attention and dpes not respect the boundaries of your marriage . Btw 5 months is a LONG time

Cherryapple1 · 17/04/2015 16:48

I think with an EA there is always an intention of sex.

Even if you confront him and he stops seeing her, how will you know he is being honest going forward. Or what about the next 'friend'. Unless he sees the error of what he has done and changes his behaviour I don't see how you could ever trust him.

He is already being secretive isn't he, regardless of how far their relationship has gone.