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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Not sure exactly what this is?

112 replies

Bitconfused75 · 16/04/2015 21:43

Hi
First time poster so be gentle.
I am trying to figure out what is going on with DP and whether I have anything to worry about. We've been married for 15 years and have two kids.
A year or so ago DP mentioned a woman he met through work- they kept in touch as friends, both work in the same sector, she lives at the opposite end of the country.
To cut a long story short I found some messages on Facebook nothing sexual, just lots of them and very chatty. It was obvious from the content of the messages that they speak a lot (including Christmas Eve!) and have met up a couple of times.
I know I shouldn't have but I checked his phone and it looks like he speaks to her every week day for at least 45 minutes sometimes a lot more and often finishes the call before he comes into the house. There are also loads of texts. I knew that they spoke but not this much. There is nothing in any of the texts or the messages that suggests anything romantic but it's the sheer volume - sometimes 10 or 12 a day.
Should I be worried? And should I say anything?

OP posts:

winkywinkola · 17/04/2015 17:13

With an ea, at least one of the pair want sex as the next step.

Original poster

Bitconfused75 · 17/04/2015 17:28

So I have spent the day reading FB m stages and emails and feel awful. They have been in touch for nine months on a regular basis and have met up twice.
It looks like he has talked to her about all sorts of stuff, family, his past and even some really sensitive stuff which I am not sure even his parents are aware of. In one email (there are only two that talk about her feelings for him) she makes it clear that she would be OK with him breaking contact of how she felt about him was a problem. His reply says he is married and it will never go any further but if the relationship was holding her back from meeting someone else he would understand her need to break it off.
There is a lot about work related stuff but there are more than 500 emails from her. Plus the texts, plus the Facebook messages, plus the phone calls.

OP posts:

aftereight · 17/04/2015 17:29

So sorry to hear that you're goung through this. My DH was the highly principled type, it was one of the reasons I loved him. Or so I thought until he embarked on a 6 month EA, which progressed within 2 meetups to a sexual one (OW lived 200 miles away).
The advice given by others is good. Look for further evidence, by all means, but a simple but convincing "I know.. so tell me your side of the truth, or leave now" to your DH may well be a faster way to the truth.

winkywinkola · 17/04/2015 17:30

I'm so sorry Bit. That is so very hurtful. It's a real betrayal.

Ashbishbash · 17/04/2015 19:17

I feel so awful for you. If you flip it round to if it was you speaking to male pal that often so often esp on Xmas eve after they told you they had feelings for you, it puts it in context. Have an honest conversation and see what he says. Depending on what he says and how things are otherwise, then you can see how you feel. Why do people have to be rubbish??? There's this book: www.amazon.co.uk/Husband-Doesnt-Love-Texting-Someone/dp/095742972X

Dont like it says "win him back"!

Wotsitsareafterme · 17/04/2015 19:21

How are you op?

Original poster

Bitconfused75 · 17/04/2015 19:38

So I mentioned her to him when he came home today and asked how often they were in contact. He said they were in contact pretty regularly but we're just good friends.
I told him I had seen all the communications including the ones about her feelings for him and them meeting up.
He was pretty horrified I had been through his email etc and said absolutely nothing inappropriate had happened, but they were very good friends and he enjoyed chatting to her about work and life generally. I asked him if he spoke to his other friends daily and he said no but they had got into the habit of a chat on the way home from work. I told him I wasn't comfortable with him staying in touch with her particularly with her feelings for him. He said they had never been mentioned even when they met up apart from those emails and he had no idea if she still felt the same way as he had made it clear it would never be anything more as he was married.
He told me he would stop talking to her if it was that important to me, but that it showed a lack of trust in him. When I said I felt he had betrayed my trust by keeping secrets from me he told me he didn't want to worry me (I suffer from some MH issues) because he knew there was nothing in it.
He's gone out now and I don know what to think.

OP posts:

winkywinkola · 17/04/2015 19:58

He didn't want to worry you?

He was hiding this relationship from you. If he thought it would worry you then he shouldn't have had anything to do with this woman.

You're being fobbed off.

winkywinkola · 17/04/2015 20:01

He didn't want to worry you?

He was hiding this relationship from you. If he thought it would worry you then he shouldn't have had anything to do with this woman.

You're being fobbed off.

Cherryapple1 · 17/04/2015 20:04

Don't let him use any MH issues against you, and as a pathetic excuse to not tell you. That is v unfair of him, and trying to blame you for his own dishonesty is pretty disgraceful is it not?

ovumahead · 17/04/2015 20:05

Well done for confronting him. How are you feeling right now? Reassured, annoyed, anxious..?

DaneBowers · 17/04/2015 20:17

yy, don't let him make this your fault.

'His reply says he is married and it will never go any further but if the relationship was holding her back from meeting someone else he would understand her need to break it off.'

pdxs · 17/04/2015 20:39

It sounds like you handled it really well

springydaffs · 17/04/2015 20:56

What a cow! Yy I know it's not popular to blame the woman but, honestly, she's blatant . I'd be tempted to email her back along the lines of wtf do you think you're doing.

As for him, what a fucking idiot. Does he have any idea what he stands to lose?!

I don't go along with this 'there must be something wrong in your marriage' bullshit. Anybody anywhere can stray - just don't be as idiotic as to put yourself in harm's way for goodness sake.

You have to talk to him

for you

MelonBallersAreStrange · 17/04/2015 20:57

He didn't want to worry you. WTF!

Well there is only one question for him when he gets back then isn't there. What else are you hiding because you don't want me to worry?

The only way you can know if he's learned his lesson, is to ask him to break contact with her and to explain why. See if he breaks it off for real and keeps it off forever.

I would be suspicious of any attempts to emotionally blackmail you into letting him stay in contact, especially anything that makes you feel "mental" or silly for objecting.

springydaffs · 17/04/2015 21:03

Sorry, must have missed last page - sorry.

So when do you actually see him then. He's at work all day and out most nights. She's having waaaay more time with him than you are at the moment.

Blaming your MH is just low. Out of interest, did you have MH issues before you married him?

Sorry to be emotional but I feel angry on your behalf.

DragonsCanHop · 17/04/2015 21:09

He is playing it down.

How would he feel if this was all the other way round.

The answer to if he should stop contact with her is what does he think is best in regards to your feelings.

Being married to a liar and a cheat isn't great for anyone's mental health.

NeedABumChange · 17/04/2015 21:14

Tbh it sounds like they are just friends and they talk everyday on the way home from work for something to do. If it was an emotional affair the messages would be flirty and full of ego stroking.

StrongAsAnOx · 17/04/2015 21:17

OP - see here: blogs.psychcentral.com/relationships/discuss/14168/

ThreeornotToThree · 17/04/2015 21:19

Hope you are OK Bit, well done for tackling it.

I agree with DaneBowers: His reply says he is married and it will never go any further but if the relationship was holding her back from meeting someone else he would understand her need to break it off

This implies it would go further if he wasn't married, and that's a dangerous friend to have. Any sensible adult who cares about their marriage would steer clear, not meet up in secret and have a bzillion phone conversations and emails without ever mentioning to their OH.

Also sounds contradictory to say he didn't want to worry you...... if there is something here that would worry you, he just shouldn't be doing it, not keeping it secret instead.

He feels he can't trust you now because you went through his emails and you can't trust him because of what you found. Whatever happens next, lots more talking and maybe marriage counselling might help address that problem?

Kind of gobsmacked he has gone out tbh. Was it in a "this isn't important enough to stay in" way, or in a flouncy angry way?!!

Momagain1 · 17/04/2015 21:23

Even if no flirting and ego stroking are involved, he is devoting far more time to this person that to OP, any male friends, and siblings, any parents. were this person a male buddy, that is a high volume of time and chat going toward one friend.

ThreeornotToThree · 17/04/2015 21:24

sorry also meant to say part of me thinks what a total cowbag OW must be, and other part of me feels a bit sorry for her too. It's absolute bulls*t for him to kid himself into thinking she could move on and meet somebody else whilst engaged in this level of emotional attachment to him. He is being incredibly unfair on you both.

Jackw · 17/04/2015 21:28

He shouldn't make you be the one to decide whether he can continue to talk to her. He now knows that you think his level of contact with her is inappropriate and hurtful to you. Now he needs to decide what he intends to do about that. What that decision is will tell you what you need to know about how much he values your happiness above his relationship with her. And I think it would be reasonable for you to say that his long standing duplicity over this is reasonable grounds for your trust, which has always been so strong, to now be just a little bit tarnished, which is sad.

ovumahead · 17/04/2015 21:43

I'm shocked he's gone out. Probably to talk to the OW...? I too feel angry on your behalf. And agree with pp who said that it's his decision, not yours, as to how he handles moving forwards and whether or not he continues to have contact with her. If he's making you feel at all responsible or bad in any way, stand firm - this is absolutely his mess and he can't blame you for any of it. His behaviour has been so disrespectful towards you for too long, it has to stop or you'll be left with no self esteem at all.

PeppermintPasty · 17/04/2015 21:43

Well done Bit, but you must be feeling like shit, I'm sorry.

He's gone out to get some breathing and thinking space, prepare yourself for a load of tripe when he comes back. Sounds like he will attempt to guilt you into letting it go. Has he directly mentioned your MH issues? If so, he is a massive cock and is being so disrespectful of you in so many ways.

I hope you're ok. Have you got someone you can share this with? Apart from us weirdos?

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