Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

Not sure exactly what this is?

112 replies

Bitconfused75 · 16/04/2015 21:43

Hi
First time poster so be gentle.
I am trying to figure out what is going on with DP and whether I have anything to worry about. We've been married for 15 years and have two kids.
A year or so ago DP mentioned a woman he met through work- they kept in touch as friends, both work in the same sector, she lives at the opposite end of the country.
To cut a long story short I found some messages on Facebook nothing sexual, just lots of them and very chatty. It was obvious from the content of the messages that they speak a lot (including Christmas Eve!) and have met up a couple of times.
I know I shouldn't have but I checked his phone and it looks like he speaks to her every week day for at least 45 minutes sometimes a lot more and often finishes the call before he comes into the house. There are also loads of texts. I knew that they spoke but not this much. There is nothing in any of the texts or the messages that suggests anything romantic but it's the sheer volume - sometimes 10 or 12 a day.
Should I be worried? And should I say anything?

OP posts:

Jackw · 23/04/2015 22:19

Stop being super cheerful. He has hurt you, don't pretend otherwise. He's trying to make himself into the injured party but that is not not not the case.

Mumfun · 23/04/2015 22:22

Im on another website where a guy described what it was like for him to stop an emotional affair. he was very sad and down.

So Im not surprised at your H reaction of being sad. I wasnt really sure what to suggest but found this useful: everydaylife.globalpost.com/repair-marriage-someone-emotionally-cheated-37106.html

Nameforposting · 23/04/2015 22:26

I don't post very often but I really do think it sounds as though he's 'grieving'
All that contact with this woman would have been very exciting and almost addictive - a little bit like the early days of a new relationship (sorry if that hurts you, I don't mean to be cruel or cutting)
He is now moping and probably feeling that his life has become very flat and dull with nothing to look forward to (the Ping of a text etc)

I'd be watching him extremely carefully OP.

magoria · 23/04/2015 22:28

Don't cover up your hurt and go into super cheerful mode.

Let him know exactly how hurt you are over his actions.

Just like he is letting you know just how hurt/sad he is over another woman!

Original poster

Bitconfused75 · 23/04/2015 22:28

Thank you for that MumFun - I don know if he will ever admit how much she meant (or means) to him so it's really difficult to have an honest conversation. I can't even get out of him what they found to talk about. And I can't stop looking at her Facebook and Twitter profiles - I have even looked her up on LinkedIn.

OP posts:

FelicityGubbins · 23/04/2015 22:52

I would drop the jolliness and tell him gently but firmly that for him to be reacting so badly and unhappily to going no contact with her shows how far across the boundaries he has actually gone...

cheapskatemum · 23/04/2015 23:39

There's a setting on Linked In that lets you know who has looked at your profile, btw.

Some great links posted, thanks Mumfun and the one on a previous page (don't know how to go back without losing what I've typed), but it listed how an emotional affair becomes an addictive behaviour. OP, your DH is in withdrawal now. Hope you find a way through this. Relationship counselling could help.

ThehighcostofLying · 24/04/2015 00:40

magoria Absolutely.

winkywinkola · 24/04/2015 07:13

So he's still not being honest with you?

You need to be honest with him and tell him how you feel if your relationship has a future.

How do you feel? Do you feel like he has wronged you? Are you angry? Hurt?

He has totally crossed boundaries with this woman.

Original poster

Bitconfused75 · 24/04/2015 20:47

To be honest I feel scared that he will miss her too much and will leave me and I know for lots of practical and compilcated reasons I wouldn cope without him. I don't have a lot in my life apart from him and the kids and would be lost without him.
And yes I do feel hurt and angry that he formed this connection but I am not sure I want to know too much about it in case it just underlines what he feels he is missing with us.
That sounds weak I know.

OP posts:

winkywinkola · 24/04/2015 23:21

Well, it's not weak to avoid more hurt. That would be common sense!

But if you want a better, stronger marriage and for both of you to be happier together, then you're going to have to bite the bullet and find out what he sees as the issues within your marriage.

No marriage is perfect but an affair really damages a relationship. It's either time to take stock, change things or end things.

Why are you so dependent on him? Do you have no life other than him? Is it something that you could change?

Mumfun · 25/04/2015 17:07

Actually being strong is much more attractive in a partner. It breeds respect and also sometimes attraction. Sorry if this is hurtful but that may be what attracted him to her - an independent career woman. I would advise you to try to build your life to do some things you enjoy. And then you have something else to bring into the relationship that isnt dependent on him and the kids. And I would also say that you do need to know why he formed this connection. Because if he finds things lacking in the marriage then he may look again for them outside it. Overall I would advise you to be brave if you can. If you examine your marriage and what you both want then you can make your marriage better. If you dont if there are problems they may not go away and may come back later in a different way. Sorry if this is challenging but is borne of a lot of experience over the past few years.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5