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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not sure exactly what this is?

112 replies

Bitconfused75 · 16/04/2015 21:43

Hi
First time poster so be gentle.
I am trying to figure out what is going on with DP and whether I have anything to worry about. We've been married for 15 years and have two kids.
A year or so ago DP mentioned a woman he met through work- they kept in touch as friends, both work in the same sector, she lives at the opposite end of the country.
To cut a long story short I found some messages on Facebook nothing sexual, just lots of them and very chatty. It was obvious from the content of the messages that they speak a lot (including Christmas Eve!) and have met up a couple of times.
I know I shouldn't have but I checked his phone and it looks like he speaks to her every week day for at least 45 minutes sometimes a lot more and often finishes the call before he comes into the house. There are also loads of texts. I knew that they spoke but not this much. There is nothing in any of the texts or the messages that suggests anything romantic but it's the sheer volume - sometimes 10 or 12 a day.
Should I be worried? And should I say anything?

OP posts:
Nayville · 17/04/2015 21:46

It seems to me like he enjoys the ego boost of this friend being in love with him and is quite happy to keep it going for that reason.
A "man of principles" would not do this, especially in secret!
It's such a cop out to say he "didn't want to worry you". Not telling you is even WORSE.

Original poster
Bitconfused75 · 17/04/2015 22:06

He didn't flounce out but the kids came back from grandparents and the conversation had just come to the end for that moment. He didn't and wouldn't mention my MH issues but they are very current and present in our lives. I don't know if he believes he has done anything wrong - in his head they are friends and that's it.
From the looks of the messages I have read things developed over time and his friend having a rough patch was part of that - she refers to him as very supportive on numerous occasions. I just don't think he's admitted to himself how close they actually are.

OP posts:
Nayville · 17/04/2015 22:13

I would definitely sit down later for a very frank discussion .

DragonsCanHop · 17/04/2015 22:49

She knows what she is doing, he may not see it as anything other than being a supportive friend but she sees nothing in leaning on him and letting him know how she feels.

I would be very tempted to contact her and tell her I have seen her declarations of love to my husband and ask her how she thinks that makes me feel, she has been through a break up herself.

Original poster
Bitconfused75 · 17/04/2015 22:59

She actually quite frequently mentioned that she felt bad for leaning so hard on him and said if it was a problem or too much he just had to say. His response was that's just what friends do. If I hadn't seen those two emails It would be a lot easier...

OP posts:
Greenrememberedhills · 17/04/2015 23:11

Try to imagine it was another couple. There is no excuse at all to call her practically hourly. And then to hide it. And lie.

It is an emotional affair and he needs to break it off or leave.

I think you need to firm up your boundaries and get mad.

DragonsCanHop · 17/04/2015 23:16

Take a look on Amazon for Shirley Glass NOT just friends.

The amount of time he is investing in her over you isn't on, is it?

winkywinkola · 17/04/2015 23:20

She doesn't feel bad at all. She knows exactly what she is doing. They are stealing time, energy and devotion from you and your dcs.

I wouldn't bother contacting her. She has zero moral compass to do what she is doing. She honestly couldn't care less about you, your marriage or your dcs. So don't bother with her.

It's your h that matters anyway. He has to cease all contact with her. His priority is his wife and family not this "friend".

It's a long road to building up trust after this.

Nayville · 17/04/2015 23:22

Oh she knows for a fact she's leaning on him too much! "If it's a problem you just have to say" always means "I know it's a problem but I'd like to continue taking a lend"
A reasonable woman wouldn't depend on a married man like this

theredjellybean · 18/04/2015 16:13

I am really sorry but OP I would put money on the fact this is way more than it seems. I was an OW and at the time of the affair my AP and I would talk on phone during morning and evening commutes every day. We talked for hours and hours about everything ...and tbh the relationship was very like a marriage ...we chatted about our days, work, our children , news etc...it wasnt all deep and meaningful stuff.
I ( strangely for a woman :)) am not that into endlessly talking on the phone but my AP said he just needed to hear my voice...he always wanted to talk..to check in...to be with me in some way . I asked once if he talked to friends or 'other people' in this way ( yes i meant his wife) and he said no, he never felt he needed ot or wanted to share his day / news/ life in this way before meeting me. At the time I felt it was affairy tale rubbish but we still talk as much now ( see final paragraph).
I am, to this day ashamed of my behaviour but when we realised just how deep we had got we did stop . We agreed no contact while we each separately worked out what we wanted. I knew if we talked or saw each other we would never be able to honestly decide if our marriages were over, as we were getting so much of our needs met by the affair and it was easy to see our partners at the time as inadequate. How could they ever live up to the AP ???

We have both separated and are now in a normal relationship together and yep we still talk endlessly on the phone during our commutes.

I am not rubbing your nose in it...but I could recognise my AP's behaviour in what your husband is doing.

I would suggest that your husband went out to call her ...and they are having a huge heart to heart , I also think though that if you didnt find any evidence of a really involved physical affair then he will be back home telling you it was all her fault, she needed him, was needy , he didnt know how to stop it ...etc...etc...nothing physical happened....what you do after that is tricky...good luck

winkywinkola · 18/04/2015 19:47

Theredjellybean, I hope your p doesn't find someone else to talk to in a couple of years. Now THAT would be rubbing your nose in it. Classy deceitful and hurtful behaviour there. Scant comfort to the op.

Op, I hope you're getting honesty from your h and that you are bearing up. Remember that what you want is important. You make decisions for your future but you don't have to do it yet.

I'm sorry for your hurt.

Original poster
Bitconfused75 · 18/04/2015 21:46

Thanks all for thoughts, views and comments. I am still at a loss to know exactly what has been going on. OH is still saying they are just good friends and I don't know whether to insist he breaks contact, reins it in or what. I just know it isn't right.

OP posts:
aftereight · 18/04/2015 22:01

Listen to your gut instinct. Do you believe him? It seems very few men admit all at first..

winkywinkola · 18/04/2015 22:23

Contact must be cut. It's too much. No friend should have so much time.

Really. It's not right. It suggests a high level of intimacy. Normally one can't maintain that without it costing another relationship.

His primary relationship is with you and it is being damaged by this extra marital dalliance.

He should be calling you to talk about the things he's discussing with this creature. Whether it is trivial or heartfelt stuff.

Do you feel close? Is he detached? Causing rows? Sex?

Mumfun · 19/04/2015 08:20

He needs to break it off completely. As Winky says he should be spending all that time and chatting with you. Over time he will slide into an affair with her if he hasnt already as he is too intimate with her. It is inappropriate and unfair to his marriage relationship. Any friends of either of you should be friends of the marriage ie they should recognaise the importance of and be supportive of the marriage and not undermine it-and she isnt.

Summertimeatlast · 19/04/2015 09:10

Tell him to cut contact completely. Where is this going to go otherwise?

All that time he is spending with her is taking time away from you and your family. How disrespectful. He knows it's wrong and is taking you for a mug.

In this instance I would also contact her and tell her you have seen all the messages and emails and she had better back off now.

winkywinkola · 19/04/2015 10:17

It's a total piss take.

BuzzardBird · 19/04/2015 17:21

The thing is he is putting the onus on you to demand he breaks contact. That is all wrong, he should have broken the contact when she said she had feelings for him. Unless he is interested why would he keep her hanging on? That would be cruel wouldn't it?

Ask him that.

theredjellybean · 21/04/2015 12:56

sorry OP , i didnt mean to make it sound like i was saying its ok behaviour or rubbing your nose in it.
I would say I was merely stating that experience says this isnt just a friendship and your DH needs to stop it right now. And it he should be making it all about you, if he wants to reconcile.
Long conversations daily are a symptom of more I am afraid.
Remember you did nothing wrong and if your DH is truley remorseful ( people do make mistakes) then he needs to stop what he is doing right now and start working on repairing the damage to you .

winkywinkola · 22/04/2015 10:27

How are you doing, BitConfused?

Original poster
Bitconfused75 · 23/04/2015 21:30

It's all a bit meh at the moment. Told OH I didn't want him to speak to her anymore and he said he wouldn't and that was the end of the conversation. We've not discussed it since but he has been very down and flat and isn't really talking too much. OK with the kids but we just sit there of an evening watching TV and not speaking.

OP posts:
magoria · 23/04/2015 21:43

The old 'I didn't tell you because you would be upset' line.

God how old is that?

They don't tell you because they don't want you to know. Because deep down they know they are crossing a line that will make you unhappy

ovumahead · 23/04/2015 21:45

Have you tried talking to him about his sulking? It sounds like a very immature response tbh. Actually everything you've written about how he responded sounds less than ideal. I just don't detect any respect for you in his behaviour... How are you feeling?

LL0015 · 23/04/2015 21:58

Would it be terribly confrontational to ask him to consider how hurt you are before he sits quietly in a corner being miserable?

Gently though. Might bring him to his senses a little.

Original poster
Bitconfused75 · 23/04/2015 22:12

He just seems really sad rather than having a strop. I have gone into super cheerful mode several times but I think he misses her and that worries me all the more...

OP posts:
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