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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm 19 and he's 36...is it worth it?

116 replies

Pompomtunup · 15/04/2015 01:05

Honestly the age thing doesn't bother me. He doesn't even look like a 36yr old. Anyway its only been 3 weeks and we've seen each other quite a lot. But its always at his place although he usually swings by a shop to get me something to eat.

I feel like its moving fast but he disagrees. Its physical although we haven't had sex. He's already asked me to sleep over and got mad when I refused. He's really nice to me when we're together but when away from each (through texts) he's not as nice. He seems frustrated/angry etc.

And isn't happy about us not having sex, one time he looked like he was gonna cry. This is the first guy I've ever been with like this (intimacy).

Can I get some advice? Is it worth it? I'm still a virgin etc.

OP posts:
SwedishEdith · 15/04/2015 01:06

No

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 15/04/2015 01:08

No. Add another 30 years to both your ages and think again. And that's just from the age gap.

The rest? No chance. He's pressured you to sleep over, he got angry (wtf??) when you refused, what in the name of god do you actually see in him?

Dump him now - he's looking for someone young and vulnerable who he can control and bully - you don't want to be that person.

traceybaybee · 15/04/2015 01:11

I met my ex when i was 19 and we had a 3yr "relationship" fast forward to now and im 32wks pregnant and he doesnt want to know. My honest advice would be to my 19yr old self and to you is dont do it your worth more. And definetely get rid if hes pressuring you for sex thats a massive red flag.

wigglylines · 15/04/2015 01:24

The age is irrelevant. What matters most is that he has no respect for your feelings and is trying to manipulate you into having sex with him. Run for the hills!

Wait till you find someone wonderful to have sex with, it's not him.

No, it's not worth it.

wigglylines · 15/04/2015 01:33

My ex was a prize arsehole. But even he managed to hide that for a couple of years. If this arsehole can't even be nice to you all the time at 3 weeks, what would he be like at 3 months or 3 years?! I shudder to think.

If someone doesn't treat you well (even if 'only' when you're apart) and you let them, they will continue, and get worse. The only way to really stop it is to not be with them.

The "real" him is not the nice him. The times when he is being angry is very much the real him also. It will only get worse.

I wish i'd had mumsnet when I was 19!

passthewineplz · 15/04/2015 01:36

He sounds awful! Especially as he sulks and isn't nice to you, when you say you won't sleep with him.

He has no respect for you, and things will only get worse if you do carry on with the relationship. I'd end it now!

pinkr · 15/04/2015 01:39

No. Please don't. I've been there and although technically 19 is very legal etc I now feel I was almost a victim of abuse and grooming. I was a very young 18 and the age gap was a year less but it took me nearly 7 years and moving across the country to escape.

Never violent but emotional abuse I now realise. I also realise he played me from the beginning but I was just too young to see.
Honestly I'm now the age he was when we met o have a lovely dh and a dc and when I look at my dh I know that what that man did to me was so so wrong. Flowers

Glastokitty · 15/04/2015 01:40

No, regardless of age, he's a dick. Run away very fast.

tallwivglasses · 15/04/2015 01:46

What is it about this old man that you're even giving him the time of day? I men, really. What's so gorgeous about him?

LikeABadSethRogenMovie · 15/04/2015 01:47

NO!! Any man making you feel bad so that you 'put out' is not worth your time.

I've actually been with my DH since we were both 19 so I do appreciate that 19 year olds are perfectly capable of enjoying healthy, loving relationships. But yours doesn't sound healthy or loving in the slightest!

Iflyaway · 15/04/2015 01:50

Got mad when you refused??

RUN!

lunalelle · 15/04/2015 02:06

The key phrase here is this: " He wanted me to sleep over and got mad when I refused".

Anyone who "gets mad" after three weeks when you reasonably refuse to do something is a weirdo and an abuser. Also, you sound lovely, but I am 37 and have a daughter your age - I question why this man is chasing after very young women. Often, it because he will perceive you as easier to control, and this certainly fits in with the behaviour he is already displaying.

Please, do not waste your youth on an 'angry man'. Don't see him again.

however · 15/04/2015 02:09

If you were the same age I'd still say no.

lunalelle · 15/04/2015 02:15

However speaks the truth.

pnutter · 15/04/2015 02:18

Not his age ..just NO he sounds nasty

CloserToFiftyThanTwenty · 15/04/2015 02:21

Three weeks into a serious relationship you should be infatuated with each other, not getting mad because you want him to respect your boundaries

Get out now

velouria · 15/04/2015 02:28

I had a similar age gap with my ex, got with him when I was 20, he was 38. Obviously sometimes it works, but for me he was emotionally abusive, it wasn't always awful, but we had a 13 year relationship and I too ended up in a refuge with kids. Be very wary of giving away your youth, however mature you think you are, you are still very naive and open to manipulation, I know I was Sad.

Crossfitmyarse · 15/04/2015 03:58

If you are still a virgin and he is sulking and stropping and putting pressure on you after only three weeks because you are not ready to have sex with him yet then I'd say you should stop seeing him.

You say you are intimate, but if you doing lots of stuff and then stopping short of 'going all the way' he may be finding that very frustrating. As a presumably experienced 36 year old he probably finds it a bit silly to have lots of intimate sexual contact but to feel the need to always stop short of intercourse, but for you as a 19 year old virgin it's perfectly normal and understandable to want to do things gradually and wait until you feel completely comfortable and ready.

If he is incapable of understanding or respecting that then he is a knob and probably the sort of man who will want to try to railroad you and manipulate you into doing as he says in every area of the relationship. I'd get rid if I were you.

BigFatPanda · 15/04/2015 05:11

Run! Very fast.

Only1scoop · 15/04/2015 05:14

For the hills

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 15/04/2015 05:30

"As a presumably experienced 36 year old..." If he is all that experienced, he'll understand that a 19 year old virgin wants to wait and feel comfortable, which should override any of his own frustration. I'm sure PP meant this, but I really want to hammer that point home.

Another vote for Run here, OP.

horribleCow · 15/04/2015 05:36

God, run for the hills. Mostly because he's pressuring you for sex.

However, this is uncomfortably close to grooming.

I had a "relationship" with a 34-36 year old when I was 16-18. At the time I was totally infatuated, and was devastated to the point of suicidal thoughts for years when it ended. It took until I was in my mid-30s to realise that I had been groomed by someone who was either quite repellently naïve and self-centred for his age, or taking advantage of the situation.

Cluesue · 15/04/2015 05:42

What others have said,it has nothing to do with him age,it's that he's a dick,you deserve more

horribleCow · 15/04/2015 05:43

Also - rather than having a relationship, make sure you're comfortable in your own head, with your own interests and pastimes, and your own sense of who you are, who you want to be, and what you respect in people's thoughts and actions. You only get one life, run it yourself, don't allow someone else to dictate how it goes - and make it as good as possible in the areas that you think matter.

Ideally, one of those pastimes might be learning about relationships from the advice given on Mumsnet. Many of us wouldn't have wasted our teens and 20s on complete losers if we'd had the advice of the Mumsnet hivemind available to us. You don't have to agree with everything that's said, the important thing is to think through the implications of what's said (for ethics, morals, empathy, kindness, who you want to be, what sort of relationship you want, etc.) and make your own mind up.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 15/04/2015 06:03

Seeing you always at his place is a red flag too. Is he keeping you a secret? Would he be embarrassed to be seen with you in public? That is very disrespectful to you...it degrades you.

A swoon may be intoxicating and fun but this sounds like it is just glitter stuck to a turd. It's shiny but still a turd.
Step away. You can say the age difference is the reason as he can't argue with that (even though the real reasons are as previous posters have said).