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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm 19 and he's 36...is it worth it?

116 replies

Pompomtunup · 15/04/2015 01:05

Honestly the age thing doesn't bother me. He doesn't even look like a 36yr old. Anyway its only been 3 weeks and we've seen each other quite a lot. But its always at his place although he usually swings by a shop to get me something to eat.

I feel like its moving fast but he disagrees. Its physical although we haven't had sex. He's already asked me to sleep over and got mad when I refused. He's really nice to me when we're together but when away from each (through texts) he's not as nice. He seems frustrated/angry etc.

And isn't happy about us not having sex, one time he looked like he was gonna cry. This is the first guy I've ever been with like this (intimacy).

Can I get some advice? Is it worth it? I'm still a virgin etc.

OP posts:
iwishiwasayummymum · 15/04/2015 11:18

Run.

queentroutoftrouts · 15/04/2015 11:27

Run.

Skiptonlass · 15/04/2015 11:30

Asked you to sleep over and got mad when you refused?

Run, my dear. Run fast, run far. This is not a man who respects you.

Irritation / anger / tetchiness when a chap doesn't get his way is a red flag - a HUGE red flag, regardless of any age gap. It's an even bigger red flag when that's regarding your personal boundaries.

I'm going to be brutally honest - dont sleep with him. you're worth more than that.

tictactoad · 15/04/2015 11:43

He's an arse. Run away. Run away as fast as you can.

popalot · 15/04/2015 11:45

It's not his age I'd worry about, it's his attitude.

Perhaps he's looking for a younger, more vulnerable woman.

No one ever ever ever should pressure you into sex and make you feel guilty for not doing it.

He's a nasty man. Stay well away. He's not upset, he's manipulating you.

Faithless · 15/04/2015 11:59

My daughter is almost the same age as you and I would be very suspicious of any 36 year old showing an interest in her, the power dynamics are all wrong and I would assume he'd be looking to control and manipulate. The age thing is a problem, but I agree more of a problem is the fact he is pressuring you to stay over and have sex with him. Everything you say suggests he is indeed controlling, manipulative and generally unpleasant.
Please, please get away from him.

SecondMrsAshwell · 15/04/2015 12:34

If he can’t be asked to take the time to develop a relationship with you, he’s not worth it. I had someone like him at your age and he’s betting on your lack of experience to allow him to get you into bed. I was luckier than some of the other commenters on here. For me, the turning point was want to DTD without asking whether I was on the pill or anything, it was clear he didn’t care. I didn’t give in and he decided I wasn’t worth the little effort he was making, so he ignored me.

And I’ll bet you dollars to doughnuts that he’ll be rubbish in bed. Once he’s happy, he’ll turn over and go to sleep. And he’ll probably dump you straight away after – he sounds like the kind who’d bung in a nasty comment about how you were in bed, just to dent your confidence.

Don’t let your first time be rotten, find someone who at least respects you enough to wait.

UnsolvedMystery · 15/04/2015 12:56

I really hope you are getting the message here. It is unanimous for a reason.
It has nothing to do with your age and everything to do with him being an abusive dick.
Leave him, delete him number, never look back. You deserve better.

Pedestriana · 15/04/2015 13:00

No it is not worth it. Run away, fast!

FWIW, I've a friend in her early 20's and she's dating a guy my age (40's). He treats her with respect, like an equal. The have a LDR as they live in different countries, but not once has he ever pressured her to do anything, or insisted that she stay at his house, or tried to manipulate her into doing things his way.

seanbonbon · 15/04/2015 13:11

I was 19 yrs old (and a virgin) when u met my DH. He was 27. It was months before we spent a night together and a couple more before we actually had sex.
Never felt under any pressure whatsoever. None.
It's not supposed to be like this, run and don't look back. Look forwardWink
You can do so much better than this.

seanbonbon · 15/04/2015 13:12

'When I met my DH'

Arsenic · 15/04/2015 13:15

OP speak to us. You are already running, aren't you?

Hakluyt · 15/04/2015 13:16

"You say you are intimate, but if you doing lots of stuff and then stopping short of 'going all the way' he may be finding that very frustrating. As a presumably experienced 36 year old he probably finds it a bit silly to have lots of intimate sexual contact but to feel the need to always stop short of intercourse, but for you as a 19 year old virgin it's perfectly normal and understandable to want to do things gradually and wait until you feel completely comfortable and ready."

As a presumably experienced 36 year old he should have the maturity not to hassle a 19 year old virgin or anyone else into having sex if they don't want to/aren't ready to.

Hakluyt · 15/04/2015 13:18

And my advice to run would be the same if he was 19 too. Don't ever, ever be pressured into having sex by anybody.

Vanessamessa · 15/04/2015 13:19

No!! Please stop seeing him, if he is bullying you into having sex by making you feel guilty for not having sex when you don't want to, he is an absolute arse.
That he is doing this to a much younger partner is even more worrying. The onus is on him to make sure YOU are ready.
That he is pressuring a virgin into loosing her virginity when she says she's not ready- sounds v rapey to me.

lunalel · 15/04/2015 13:29

I was thinking that he only saw the OP at his place because he didn't want to meet her parents. It would certainly be awkward to say the least, if some bloke who I would have been in the same class at school with turned up to date my daughter.

RubbishMantra · 15/04/2015 14:04

"although he usually swings by a shop to get me something to eat"

What a Prince Among Men!

And yes, he sounds awful regardless of age, and would likely be a crap shag.

Joysmum · 15/04/2015 14:07

The age thing isn't the issue, he's a sad excuse for a man though and that is the issue.

FFS, don't lose your virginity to this embarrassment of a man, you'll forever regret it if you do Flowers

proceeding · 15/04/2015 14:16

No, no, no, no, no. And nope.

Really REALLY no.

Seriouslyffs · 15/04/2015 14:21

Run run run!!!
Why would you even begin to think you might sleep with him?! Shock
(leaves work early to rush home andreprogramme have a nice chat to teenage dds)

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 15/04/2015 14:47

With what you have described above should be back peddling faster than Pierre the French uni cycling infantryman

FibonacciSeries · 15/04/2015 14:54

Run like the wind.

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 15/04/2015 15:11

I know this is a serious fred, but the imagery of "Pierre" is going to make me chuckle all afternoon. Grin

Hissy · 15/04/2015 15:20

Lets break this down:

Honestly the age thing doesn't bother me. He doesn't even look like a 36yr old. Irrelevant

Anyway its only been 3 weeks and we've seen each other quite a lot.

But its always at his place although he usually swings by a shop to get me something to eat.

Wow... Big of him.... he's not even bothering to wine and dine you, just bringing offerings.

I feel like its moving fast but he disagrees.
you feel it's too fast - that is ENOUGH. You are entitled for this to move at your pace. regardless of whether you are 19/29/39 or 49

He DISAGREES? Bin him for that alone!!!!

Its physical although we haven't had sex. He's already asked me to sleep over and got mad when I refused.

Red Flag love, bin him now.

He's really nice to me when we're together but when away from each (through texts) he's not as nice. He seems frustrated/angry etc.

HE IS NOT NICE! NOT AT ALL NICE!

And isn't happy about us not having sex, one time he looked like he was gonna cry. This is the first guy I've ever been with like this (intimacy).

HE HAS NO RIGHT TO DO THIS TO YOU LOVE, NO RIGHT AT ALL. Whether or not you are a virgin isn't the main thing here, (although extremely significant in many ways) he is refusing to listen to you and respect your decisions.

End this today. Get rid of him and never ever look back.

knotswapper · 15/04/2015 15:23

I think it's unanimous OP - you've had the foresight (and I'm very impressed that you have done this) to check what others think - the collective wisdom and experience here is incredible, particularly in the area of abusive men. This forum lets people talk and share their experiences with this sort of abuse, while in real life it's a subject which isn't often discussed.

The fact that he is targeting you with such a significant age difference is a red flag (an indicator of abusive behaviour), the fact that he's not nice to you only 3 weeks in is a red flag (usually they keep up the pretence of being "nice" for a lot longer), the fact that he is ignoring your boundaries is a red flag. Moving fast is a red flag. But having said all of that - it's almost like he can't even be bothered to hide it, or to make the effort to deceive you - he thinks you're not even worth courting to get sex. This is just beyond words! If he can't be nice then he's just doing the absolute minimum to get you into bed, hoping that you'll go along with it.

Wait for a decent man who treats you with respect. I know it is difficult to label somebody abusive, it's easy to say "oh he's a bit grumpy" or "perhaps I should be nicer to him so he feels appreciated" "he works hard and doesn't need any stress in the evening" but really it's all about being a nice human being - and he's not.

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