help me play MIL bingo and survive this week

[onemiddlefinger]

First of all I have to admit I don't know how MIL bingo works exactly
but it sounds like it could help in making this week a bit more bearable.

My ILs are visiting and the first 2 days were ok, but yesterday evening I came home to find MIL ironing DH's clothes, ALL OF THEM.
We live in a small flat, there were clothes everywhere in the living room sofas and on the kitchen table (basically all our living area surfaces), she was ironing with a loose cable in the middle of the room whilst my 2 year old was running around. Later I barely managed to stop DS from pulling the iron on top of himself as she had stepped away for a second.

Also my DH and FIL had (totally unnecessarily) changed the kitchen tap to some horrible giant monstrosity that ILs had gifted us, apparently it was expensive so I should be grateful. All I managed to say when I walked in the kitchen was "oh, my god!", DH realised that I didn't like it and was then sulking for the rest of the evening as he thought they had done such a good job. I think he is under the influence (of his parents).

I'm not even going to list all the patronising remarks that MIL likes to dish out at regular intervals - these come as a norm with her.

Please explain the MIL bingo concept to me, i'm worried I will otherwise do or say something horrible soon...

Ok so it's like normal bingo, except with classic phrases you can expect the person to utter which does your head in

As each one comes up when she calls them out, you can tick them off your mental bingo card.

The brilliance of this game is that the more of the stock phrases they utter, the closer you come to wining your game so each utterance can be greeted with an inward smile, rather than the usual seething rage

Enjoy your bingo this Christmas

Thanks, Joysmum
I will definitely be playing this.
I will try to get DH to join in too, but I fear he may be too far gone...
He has been at home with them for the past 3 days while I have had the chance to escape to work, although for the next 3 days there is no more escape for me either.

I also just remembered that they brought their own napkins, the fabric kind that look a lot like tea towels. This is weird surely?

Can we have a photo of the tap please

I will post a photo when I get home.
I never knew a tap could be that ugly and that one would end up in my kitchen. I really hope that DH will soon realise he's made a mistake and change it back, it's not even practical to use.

Make list of things MIL/FIL will do say/do.
When they do one, have a drink.
Merrrgy Chrshshsmshssh

Shamelessly marking my place for a gasp at the world's ugliest tap

TheBatteriesHaveRunOut
I can't drink (pregnant), that's why I really need bingo.
Drinking other than 1/2 glass of wine with dinner is also frowned upon by ILs, still this was how I got though last year as far as I can remember

Ah.

Every time MIL does a crazy, add a drop of vodka to her wine?

With luck she'll pass out.

OR put a sprout in her handbag.
OR add a bit more pepper to her trifle.
OR run to the bedroom and crumple one of DH's beautifully ironed socks.

Or have a competition with dh for who can get in the most double entendres (and stay straightfaced) or Abba song titles or something.

Your mission, from me, should you choose to accept it, is to say these exact words to your MIL as you dish up the dinner:

"Do you want stuffing?"

Do not pysl if she says yes, just mentally add your own punchline.

Double entendres!! We did that one year, but we fell about laughing and outed ourselves really early!

It was fun, and only the really grumpy nuts took offence - and they were the reason we were driven to it anyway

TheBatteriesHaveRunOut,
Thanks for the fun ideas!

The ironing drama continues...
This morning I tidied the living room of the ironing board, clothes, hangers etc... all that she had left lying around AND I hid the iron, mainly because I think it's dangerous in such a small place with a toddler and her not paying attention.
Anyway, this afternoon DH was supposed to come and pick me up with DS, so he called to ask where the iron is as his DM wants to continue and there it's fine if DS is not there. So I told him where it was.
20 min later he still hasn't left home and DS is having a major tantrum as he didn't have his nap this afternoon and DH doesn't now think they will be coming to pick me up after all, so I tell DH make sure that your mum is not ironing if you have tantruming DS there.

Not sure if I'm being a bit paranoid with the ironing, but other than DS safety it also really pisses me off and perhaps wrongly, but I see it as a passive-aggressive way of letting me know I haven't been taking care of my husband. If she really wanted to help there are other things she could be doing, like helping to clear the table after a meal or picking up DS' toys.

Why was she ironing (just) your husband's clothes?

When DH husband and I first lived together we returned from holiday to fins she had ironed his clothes. I felt this was a step too far and I have since made sure she knows where my ironing basket is.

I do this when I go to see my mother.

I actually have a list on my phone and put x's for each occurrence.
It's almost enjoyable trotting them up at the the end of the day.

We had a similar game with sil - the ploughman's lunch game. Every time she mentioned about the ploughman's lunches she has made during the year (minus the beer because she was teetotal) we scored a point. At the end DH and I totted up our individual scores and declared the winner. (Point disallowed if you deliberately encouraged her to say the word)! Made Christmas conversations bearable.

Not sure if I'm being a bit paranoid with the ironing

Er, of course you aren't. What normal human being turns up and irons the clothes of only one of the people who lives in that house? It is clearly a passive aggressive rebuke to you for failing to look after her son properly. Make sure you get a dig in at some point about it being 2014 and men being capable of ironing their own clothes now.

Bringing their own napkins is truly one of the oddest things I've ever heard. Don't forget the photo of the tap, it sounds like it deserves to go into a museum once you've taken the bloody thing off.

Re the ironing.

I would be tempted to say to MIL 'I'm actually embarrassed for dh, that you're doing his ironing, it's so humiliating for him, but don't you and his dad wish now that you'd shown him how to look after his own clothes? That's one thing I'm going to make sure of with our dc, I don't want them domestically helpless and I'm buggered if I'm going to do dc's ironing when I go and visit them, when they're grown up.'

Make sure she knows you think she's doing it because she thinks he's helpless and pathetic. Because why on earth else would she be doing his ironing. [devilish]

Batteries nice one x

Ooh - I like your style Batteries. You could also add a dig something about your clothes being fine as you've ironed them yourself.

My MIL does this she lives in a "hoarder next door" shit hole with honking festering cat litter trays everywhere - but when she comes to mine she literally shuffles past and pushes me out of the way and whips around the kitchen work tops with a dish cloth...if we go out and she babysits and have left a couple of dirty cups in the sink she puts the in the dishwasher and then when we get back says "look what I have done for you".... so that she gets a big thankyou!

We have just dispatched her off to her daughter for 2 nights -- first time ever...and are laughing about the painful car journey now ensuing with the running commentary - "The traffic is ridiculous" "This place is deserted on a Sunday" "They never dip their headlights round here" - on a continuous repetitive loop for an hour and a half.

Laughing about her passive aggressive Christmas gifts to me over the years....an horrific, polo necked, long sleeved, full length, fully lined replica Victorian nightdress!!

Too late now but you should have taken the iron to work with you

When you first came across this scene did you say "what on earth are you doing MIL?" She needs to see she is crossing the boundaries.

I would be pissed off at not being picked up too - can you go for a Christmas drink with workmates for a few hours?

Good luck - keep posting, we will get you through this. I am looking forward to the tap photo.

My mil is the same. She will definitely ask me if my husband needs new pants and socks. I don't know, as an adult he gets his own!!

But I am hooting with laugher at you returning to the vision of your house looking like a launderette.....even though I would be fuuuuumming if it was me.

Typical how FIL and your DH enable her craziness and see it as normal - DH calling you at work for the iron !! WTF !!

Sometimes you can laugh -- but underneath the reality is that the MIL intent is hostile and aimed at you.

My mil tried to hang my knickers on the line. I like my mil but I don't want her touching my pants.

I would orchestrate some hideous eventuality for the napkins.....have you a dog's arse that needs wiping.....? Can you pretend to cough up a big phlegmy greeny into one......at the very least drop it in the turkey fat/gravy...or deliberately spill red wine and use all 4 to mop it up!

Skin - brilliant that it is on your phone! what is on you list??

If you have a pet can you make up a diahorea looking mix - the discover it under the table - scream and frantically grab the napkins to wipe it up???