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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What do you say to the guy that had an affair with your wife?

109 replies

SoBlueDiamond · 08/12/2014 16:57

Hi MN, this is the situation,
So I find out a couple of weeks ago that my wife has been fucking the guy she sits by in work, for the past 6 months.
I also work with them both, and have had to take a week off, as I lost it, and was going to do something to him, that would have ended in me getting sacked. (his wife doesn't know)

This guy maybe coming round to the house tomorrow, while the DC (2 & 4) are here, to talk.
I will be trying hard to stay calm, but need to work out what to say.

So what I want from you guys is,

what would you say to him???

OP posts:
FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle · 08/12/2014 16:58

I would not advise talking to him - you are angry, and it will not end well.

you need to concentrate on your wife, and rebuilding your relationship with her, if you want to.

Fudgeface123 · 08/12/2014 16:59

Coming round to talk about what?????

LaurieFairyCake · 08/12/2014 17:01

Not talking to him ever. No good can ever come of it - all the sleaze will have to do is look slightly pitying at you or slightly gleeful at having sex with your wife and you will lose it.

And the consequences of you losing it could be very serious and could be held against you - if you get a conviction for violence you're going to find it hard to see your children.

Are you Leaving your wife?

CatsClaus · 08/12/2014 17:01

to talk about what?? Is he bringing his wife?

Fair exchange is no robbery and all that??

I think you are going above and beyond to entertain any sort of conversation tbh

Drop the wife off on his doorstep with her bags and see how that conversation goes.

Dreadful behaviour from them both...are they expecting you to mediate?

IrishBloodEnglishHeart · 08/12/2014 17:03

I'd be advising don't have him round to talk. What can there possibly be to achieve from that. It's your wife you need to talk to, she cheated on you. This guy didn't cheat on you.

I am sorry that this has happened.

FrauHelgaMissMarpleandaChuckle · 08/12/2014 17:07

And you seriously shouldn't have any kind of talk with two kids in the house.

headlesslambrini · 08/12/2014 17:09

Cancel it or at the very least get the DCs out of the house, very little chance that this will be civilised meeting.

talbotinthesky · 08/12/2014 17:12

It's not him you need to be talking to, his wife needs to know what a slimey bastard she married. I hope you can contact her somehow.

Lweji · 08/12/2014 17:12

You need to talk to your wife, not him.
End of.
I'd stay away from him and certainly not allow him at home for now.

Then you need to decide what you are going to do about your marriage, in case she wants to stay with you.

rjay123 · 08/12/2014 17:13

What are you getting/what do you hope to get out of the conversation?

CatCushion · 08/12/2014 17:14

In your situation I would have nothing to say to him and would not let him set foot in my house. I would block any contact with him. Not sure I could maintain a relationship with my spouse under those conditions.

I think maybe what you need to learn to say is 'no' and be happy about that. Also, you can't fix other people, this is their mess and up to them to deal with themselves. The less they see of one another the better.

Sit down with your wife and have a good talk about what you each want or do not want in your marriage and how/if you can both make your marriage work. Be clear about not trying to change each other etc. (There are lots of lists of tips on talking/listening to each other online.) Keep in mind that you cannot change her, only yourself. If you react or shout or interrupt you are less likely to hear the truth. Without the truth there is nothing to build on.

You do not need him there, he is clearly not a person you can trust and he should be staying out of your home and your marriage.

If your wife decides to leave you, then that is her choice. Listen to her.

OhForFoxSakeYouJingleMyBaubles · 08/12/2014 17:15

I wouldn't speak to him full stop...but I would be having a very long chat with your wife, right before I asked her to leave, how awful for you, hope your situation improves for you and your children, they deserve each other...

ArthurShappey · 08/12/2014 17:16

Exactly what lweji said. He does not come to your home to talk about anything.

Personally I'd let his wife know too, but I'm sure other MNers would say not to.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 08/12/2014 17:16

What the fuck are you hoping to achieve from this ?

magoria · 08/12/2014 17:21

As the others all say. Don't talk to him especially not around DC.

Your wife is the one you need to speak to. He is irrelevant. Don't waste your oxygen on him.

Tobyjugg · 08/12/2014 17:23

Personally, I'd be talking to his wife rather than him. I only know two guys who tried this. The police were called in the end. Cancel the meeting is my view. No good will come of this.

HexBramble · 08/12/2014 17:27

Bad, bad, BAD idea.
Are you getting the message OP?

Your poor children, however young, should not be a part of this.

Your ONLY communication is with your wife.

Please take this on board.

GoatsDoRoam · 08/12/2014 17:29

Do not talk to him. No good can come of it.

Talk to your wife and decide what you want to do with your marriage.

Original poster
SoBlueDiamond · 08/12/2014 17:30

Ok, I see your point/s, but the trouble is we are both on the same team as this guy, spend 37 hours a week, with him. I am trying to get him to move off the team my wife and myself work on.

So seeing him is not an option. Unless I can get him to quit work.

My wife and I are trying to fix this.

I am tempted to tell his wife, but want to make sure our relationship is strong again, before the world finds out.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 08/12/2014 17:30

Ditto everyone else. This s nothing to do with him and only between you and your wife.

I can't see how any of the 3 of you thinks this is a good idea?

Lweji · 08/12/2014 17:32

This is a problem for Human Resources, then. Not to be dealt with in your home.

And this is not for you to fix. Only your wife can work on fixing it, really. You can accept her or not.

Lweji · 08/12/2014 17:33

Or this is something for your wife to deal with at work.
She should be telling him to move team or jobs. Not you.
As in, this is something for her to fix, not you.

Quitelikely · 08/12/2014 17:33

I think you should tell his wife.

You work on the same team as them? What an absolutely selfish, disgusting pair of people.

Quitelikely · 08/12/2014 17:34

Your dc should not be present while you have this conversation.

I think you should wait until your wife gets in from work and pop around to his house to have it.

Sickoffrozen · 08/12/2014 17:37

Personally I would get rid of your cheating wife. Start my life again and make her realise what a fool she was.....worked for me the other way round !!!

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