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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What do you say to the guy that had an affair with your wife?

109 replies

SoBlueDiamond · 08/12/2014 16:57

Hi MN, this is the situation,
So I find out a couple of weeks ago that my wife has been fucking the guy she sits by in work, for the past 6 months.
I also work with them both, and have had to take a week off, as I lost it, and was going to do something to him, that would have ended in me getting sacked. (his wife doesn't know)

This guy maybe coming round to the house tomorrow, while the DC (2 & 4) are here, to talk.
I will be trying hard to stay calm, but need to work out what to say.

So what I want from you guys is,

what would you say to him???

OP posts:
Lweji · 08/12/2014 19:33

Has she blamed you for the affair, then?

Lweji · 08/12/2014 19:35

Also, your wife is not a possession, so if you can hold yourself with her, I'm sure you can (should) keep it together with him.

badbaldingballerina123 · 08/12/2014 19:36

You are making a major mistake. This guy has the balls to fuck your wife , you find out and now he's going to come round for a chat. You are in a very weak position. If he is the more dominant out of the two of you , you could look very weak in your own home in front of your wife. I think you are in a state of shock and not thinking clearly. This arrangement with dcs in the house is totally inappropriate.

What on earth could you possibly say to him. It's fairly obvious that he doesn't give a shit for your opinion. And you don't need to talk to him you need to deal with him.

Tell his wife. Tell your boss. Telling his wife has several advantages. There will be consequences for him. There will be two pairs of eyes on this situation. He will be more concerned with his wife than yours. I've pmed you.

Palmyra · 08/12/2014 19:39

You seem to have this back to front, You say you nearly "lost it, and was going to do something to him", Why? He is just some random chancer, he owes you nothing. You are nothing to him.
On the other hand your wife is "supposed" to be the person who loves you and cares for you. Yet she has been the one ridiculing you for 6 months. Why should he leave his job? What are you going to do if he smugly, winks at you and declines your kind invitation to leave his job? So you tell his wife, nothing changes re: your work situation or your cheating wife.

Hatespiders · 08/12/2014 19:42

No to him ever coming to your house. Whatever for anyway?
No to 'speaking to him', violence, shouting, menaces etc. towards him. Keep your dignity, don't engage.
Yes to putting the responsibility for this dire situation on to your wife.
She should be completely honest about everything, and you should be deciding whether you feel able to get over this cheating, or you prefer to leave. Could you ever trust her again?

Please try not to lose control through (understandable) anger.
So sorry you're in this position.

CatCushion · 08/12/2014 19:52

OP, you could try looking up 'The Art of Manliness' on Facebook, or just a general google search. Ignore the title, and concept/sexism of it. It does have some good advice on how to talk to people and handle difficult situations (I find). It's not going to have the exact scenario you are thinking about, but you can search for 'arguments' 'marriage' etc. It's like the advice my dad used to give me.

CariadsDarling · 08/12/2014 19:54

You seem to be going all out to fix this and I think you need to stop right now because its not yours to fix and certainly not in the space of a couple of weeks.

I think you need some time out from this to let the dust settle and not just because Im not convinced that your wife and the bloke are as keen to get over this as you are and want them to be.

Sadly I have a feeling you're trying to take control of the aftermath without realising they may not be on the same page as you.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 08/12/2014 19:59

You poor thing.

They have been fucking for six months!!

You can't fix this. Tell his wife. Tell your boss. Tell your wife it's over.

manaboutthemaison · 08/12/2014 22:26

Grow some balls, kick her sorry arse out, tell his wife.

job done

Fairenuff · 08/12/2014 22:32

OP what does your boss say about this?

DorisIsALittleBitPartial · 08/12/2014 22:36

I'm sorry you are going through this, but I echo the others that say to talk to HR. They will be able to mediate meetings to find a resolution. I can't see any good coming of him coming to your house.

lardylump · 08/12/2014 22:41

i feel for you.... i would hate to be in that position.

do you want him to apologise? her to?

Id be thinking about packing bags, not what i was going to say.

How can they do that to you? its worse, i think, becuase they did it right under your nose.

Hobbitwife001 · 08/12/2014 23:45

Come on honey, you know you will end up battering seven shades of shite out of him and although he deserves it your children do not need to see any kind of violence. The police will be called , and you might end up getting are arrested and charged with assault. Not a good outcome, please reconsider having any contact until you have thought this through. My heart goes out to you, what a horrible situation. X

HexBramble · 09/12/2014 06:01

I hope this advice has helped you see clearly OP. You are in a tough situation here, but you've been given excellent support too.

Always maintain the upper hand. Beating 10 shades of shite out of this scumbag will not go down well. Should your marriage dissolve with your scumbag wife (sorry if that sounds harsh but she cheated on you) then you want to maintain the moral high ground here. Think of your children.

I would also tell his wife. A pp said above that two pairs of eyes on the situation is better.

I am sorry you're in this situation. I hope your DC are ok.

brokenhearted55a · 09/12/2014 07:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Palmyra · 09/12/2014 07:45

I am with badbaldingballerina123. I hope by the time you read this you have decided to cancel the meeting. For me you are in a weak position. You are allowing a man in to your home who has been taking the piss out of you for 6 months. I could be wrong here, but he is clearly not intimidated by you. The only leverage you have is the threat to tell his wife (or violence). If neither is a threat to him you have nothing. You could end up looking even weaker. BTW - he most likely has photo's/video of your wife.

Secondly; sorry to say this (again) but your wife have been taking the piss out of you for 6 months. Every time they did it, your wife was laughing at you. Laughing behind your back, making her little plans for their fun and games. Can you have any confidence she won't do this again???

Obviously all this has hit you like a ton of bricks and being Christmas makes it even worse, But I would suggest you ask you wife to move out, while you have time to work through what you want to happen next. Changes are required in your life, once you have time to think you may have a different view (or not).

Chandon · 09/12/2014 07:52

Cancel the meeting

Tell HR/ your boss, ask them to find a solution

Tell the wife

Ask your own wife to leave

Maybe later things will work out between you.

But for now they are almost setting you up to be the bad guy (ie if you get angry, which would be reasonable, when they are in your house.)

Get angry, but in the right way.

Don't allow them to set you up do YOU Come out looking the bad guy.

Don't allow yourself to be manipulated like this.

DaisyFlowerChain · 09/12/2014 07:53

I'd personally thank him for showing you your wife's true colours, phone HR re team moves whilst packing your wife's bags.

She, not the OM, broke your wedding vows. Not just once but constantly for six months and is now playing you. No good can come of it.

Branleuse · 09/12/2014 08:20

jeez, take your babies and move out.

There is no job thats worth that for

simontowers2 · 09/12/2014 08:30

Grow a pair mate. Chuck her out. He's prob still shagging her.

HellKitty · 09/12/2014 08:35

When he calls round give him your wife's bags.

GoatsDoRoam · 09/12/2014 09:18

You are not standing up for your own interests.

It is NOT in your interest to meet him.

It IS in your interests for your wife to resign/get fired: She needs to be held accountable, or she's still playing you for a fool. And she can look for another job: this isn't the only company in town.

It IS in your interest to tell HR: you are an untenable situation at work. Your wife and OM have no intention of doing the right thing. Go above them to the work people who can make it right for you.

Because everything you say shows that you are continuing to let the two of them walk all over you.

CatsClaus · 09/12/2014 09:26

so bluediamond..have you cancelled this visit?

You need to take time to decide how you want your marriage to be, and if it is worth your effort when the other party clearly does not value you or your family.

Please don't meet with him...it's highly unlikely it'll end well for you.

Tobyjugg · 09/12/2014 09:32

Grow some balls, kick her sorry arse out, tell his wife

This is the only course of action that makes any sense and which avoids violence - whether physical or verbal.

Personally, I'd hit the bastard but I have anger issues.

Minus2seventy3 · 09/12/2014 09:43

So the OM may be coming round to your house... How?
Did you invite him? Did your wife invite him? Did he invite himself?
It's a recipe for disaster, pure and simple.
If/when he turns up, tell him he's not welcome in your house, and don't entertain any kind of three way clear the air type talk with he and your wife.

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