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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What do you say to the guy that had an affair with your wife?

109 replies

SoBlueDiamond · 08/12/2014 16:57

Hi MN, this is the situation,
So I find out a couple of weeks ago that my wife has been fucking the guy she sits by in work, for the past 6 months.
I also work with them both, and have had to take a week off, as I lost it, and was going to do something to him, that would have ended in me getting sacked. (his wife doesn't know)

This guy maybe coming round to the house tomorrow, while the DC (2 & 4) are here, to talk.
I will be trying hard to stay calm, but need to work out what to say.

So what I want from you guys is,

what would you say to him???

OP posts:

KatieKaye · 08/12/2014 17:38

Very bad idea.
Talk to your wife . Not him and not while the DC are on the house.
The work situation had to be dealt with by your managers. I'm surprised they let spouses work on the same team.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 08/12/2014 17:38

You have decided to forgive your wife and put yourself through this ?

Why ?

AlpacaMyBags · 08/12/2014 17:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

marne2 · 08/12/2014 17:40

Your wife is the one who cheated on you not this man, if it wasn't him it would have been someone else .

CogitOIOIO · 08/12/2014 17:40

Are you thinking you are going to give him some sort of 'mitts off my wife' speech and then it'll all be peachy and they'll stop their affair? Agreeing with a lot of others, this is between you and your wife. She's the one in the wrong and has to take responsibility for her actions. Or are you planning to have the same talk with the next guy she takes a fancy to as well?

Self respect....

Tyzer85 · 08/12/2014 17:42

Don't talk to him, talk to his wife instead. HR should also be informed.

fieldfare · 08/12/2014 17:43

Go to HR.
Explain the situation to them and ask for him to be moved to another department if possible. Although that might result in both of them being fired if there are rules of non-fraternising.

GoatsDoRoam · 08/12/2014 17:44

Somebody needs to tell HR, with the possibility that the pair of them will lose their jobs.

If your wife is serious about making things work with you, she will of course be serious about not wanting to work in the same office as her OM, and immediately resign or accept the sack, yes?

(The OM probably only wants to talk to you because he is scared you will tell his wife. The evil part of me thinks that you could use that to encourage him to leave his job, swiftly.)

SnotandBothered · 08/12/2014 17:45

I am guessing here but has your wife done the "we all have to work together lets deal with this like grown ups" or maybe "let's keep this out of the workplace" thing on you?

If so, OUT OF ORDER

I am guessing you found out (as opposed to her coming clean to you) in which case, consider this. If you hadn't, they would still be at it. I'm afraid it sound to me like they are trying to orchestrate "amicable" and "reasonable" behaviour from you in order that they can legitimately continue to be friends (whatever that might entail). You have been blind sided and are very vulnerable. Don't be manipulated.

Fuck that.

Lweji · 08/12/2014 17:47

I understand that you are falling into the pitfalls many of us do.
This is not something that you can control, really. You have been betrayed, so you can't work you regaining trust. Only the other person can work towards being trusted again. And him leaving solves nothing. She chose to cheat instead of talking to you. If she wants to stay with you, it's even worse, IMO, because it was pure cheating and not falling for someone else.
How you can trust her again? I don't know. Do you? Because you will be wondering about every other man at work and that she meets. And I'd be wondering every time she is away.
What is she doing in all this?

GoatsDoRoam · 08/12/2014 17:48

I am struck by the fact that you are the one taking leave from work.

They are the ones responsible, and they should be carrying the can. Not you.

Lweji · 08/12/2014 17:49

For all you know she's still fucking him at work, while you are taking leave.

GoatsDoRoam · 08/12/2014 17:59

I am trying to get him to move off the team my wife and myself work on.

Why does your wife get off so easily, in your scenario? Yes, you are trying to work on things with her, but that does not absolve her of responsibility, or consequences, for her behaviour. Quite the contrary. If she is serious about working on things with you, she will accept the consequences of her behaviour. Which include her removing herself from the team, and possibly also being fired.

MatildaTheRedNosedReinCat · 08/12/2014 18:28

Same as everyone else. Just don't. Involve HR at work and state the reasons why you cannot be expected to work with this man. I'm sure that they both fall foul of their terms of contract regarding professional behaviour.

Have nothing to do with him. If you do wish to repair your marriage for gods sake make your wife do the work. She's at fault ( assuming their isn't a huge backstory we don't know) and needs to be the one making it up to you. As it is you sound as if you feel some kind of responsibility for making things right. Er, no. She does.

So no to meeting, double no to in your house and triple million no to with your poor dc.

Good luck and sorry this has happened to you.

Windywenceslas · 08/12/2014 18:38

Talking to him in your house with DC's present is the worst idea in the history of bad ideas, just don't do it.

Firstly, are you working on forgiving your wife? You shouldn't be more angry with this man than you are with your wife, she's the one who cheated on you. Why forgive your wife but get angry with the guy? Your anger is hugely misplaced if this is the case.

Someone up thread suggested dropping your wife and her bags at his house. I'd second this, let her be his problem and let his wife know what a cheating scumbag of a husband she has.

Also, report them both to HR, presumably they've been carrying on their affair on work time. They both deserve a disciplinary for that.

Original poster

SoBlueDiamond · 08/12/2014 18:48

I know that him leaving, won't solve our problems, but at least I won't have to see him talking to her when I walk past her desk, and if I don't have to see him hiding behind his VDU every time I go and talk to her, I think I will be less lightly to want to do him harm.

We are trying to fix it, going to couple's counselling, when it's just us its good, work is making it more complicated.

Her quitting is not an option, as we need both incomes, and at the moment it's good to have her support, also, I think it helps to know where she is. (although I do know if she wanted to cheat, I couldn't stop her).

OP posts:

KatieKaye · 08/12/2014 18:56

A conversation requires two people, so why is your wife still behaving like this? It's like she's rubbing it into your face.

Even the way you phrased your post is putting all the blame on him and none on your wife.

Him coming you your house us not going to sort anything. You need to get him and your wife moved to different teams and you have to involve management. Just pretending he is the sole cause of all this is not sorting anything out.

DioneTheDiabolist · 08/12/2014 19:03

"Get a transfer by the end of the week or I'll tell your wife."

Simple.

Windywenceslas · 08/12/2014 19:03

You want to do him harm, but you're working on forgiving your wife? Like I said, your anger is misplaced. I understand why, but you have to address that for yourself.

Has your wife suffered any consequences for her actions or have you slipped straight into the "pick me dance"?

I really think that if you have issues working with this chap, you should report it to HR and let them deal with it. Realistically do you think there's anything he can say that's going to make you feel better? He can't change the fact that your wife was screwing him. Talking to him is not likely to put you in a place where you can happily work together.

As for your wife not leaving her job - well you knew where she was over the last 6 months, but it didn't stop her cheating.

Lweji · 08/12/2014 19:09

As other people are saying, she is not a neutral player here.
He didn't rape her or force her.
She went out of her way to have sex with him. Even more so because you all work in the same place, so it involves even more deceit than if you weren't there.

How can you look at HER?

CatCushion · 08/12/2014 19:15

Tell HR.
Don't tell his wife, it just makes you the bad guy. (Although if I were his wife, I'd want to be told. I'm probably mot typical though.)

CatsClaus · 08/12/2014 19:16

where did you think she was when she was fucking your colleague?

seems she is gliding through all this with a minimum of disturbance while you run around keeping secrets and negotiating with everyone.

Tell HR, let them sort the work rotas, and tell his wife and she will surely make some demands of him which will save you a lot of bother.

fancyanotherfez · 08/12/2014 19:22

Why is he talking to her? Is it just about work? Neither of them sound too ashamed or considerate to your feelings to me. How do you know he wants to sort things out when he comes round and not just to rub your nose in it? If he really wanted to sort things out, he would have asked for a transfer himself.

YonicScrewdriver · 08/12/2014 19:23

Is your wife now applying for other jobs?

Original poster

SoBlueDiamond · 08/12/2014 19:27

I know my wife is not an innocent party, and that I'm defecting my anger at him, when I know it is her I am angry at.

I know he shouldn't matter, but it doesn't stop me feeling it.

We have our own problems that we are fixing.

I realize meeting him in my house is a bad idea, but at some point I will have to speak to him in work, I just hope I can hold it together.

OP posts:

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