What do you say to the guy that had an affair with your wife?

[SoBlueDiamond]

Hi MN, this is the situation,
So I find out a couple of weeks ago that my wife has been fucking the guy she sits by in work, for the past 6 months.
I also work with them both, and have had to take a week off, as I lost it, and was going to do something to him, that would have ended in me getting sacked. (his wife doesn't know)

This guy maybe coming round to the house tomorrow, while the DC (2 & 4) are here, to talk.
I will be trying hard to stay calm, but need to work out what to say.

So what I want from you guys is,

what would you say to him???

Blimey, I wouldn't be talking to him if I were you, indeed I have her bags packed and put on the doorstep for when she comes home (at least this is the advice given the other way round)

Don't discuss this with him. You are concerned about income but you need to put your needs more 'front and centre' than appeasing either of them. What would be your ideal outcome? You want to resolve problems in your marriage? Career wise, do you want this company or just the income?

Don't talk to him. Certainly not alone. if he choses to apologise, great, but he can do that on the phone of via email.

What you will get from him is blameshifting and a between the lines lecture on what is wrong with you and your marriage. You can profit nothing by it. You need to get any answers from your wife and your wife alone.

All you could profitably say to him is 'tell your wife or I will'.

Just to put you minds at ease he is not coming round, I agree its a bad idea. Although it was me that suggested it, in the first place.

So back to work for me tomorrow, I'll speak to management. (I may even speak to him, calmly).

The reason I don't want to tell everyone is that I believe it will make it harder for us to fix, (with everyone sticking there pennies worth in).

I know most of you are thinking, why bother?

But that part is easy for me, (I love her, my life, and my kids).

And like Dave said quite a bit, about Scotland "I believe we are better together"

Not that I need to explain my reasons to you guys,

(also did anyone answer my original question?)

Nobody answered your original question because there isn't much you can say to him.
He didn't betray you.

Of course it's your choice to stay with her and you don't have to explain yourself. People mentioned it here to make the point that's it's not him you have to deal with, it's her.
And you are getting the same responses as we'd give a woman. You may love her, but does she love you?
I wish you all the best in your decision.
You don't have to decide now what you want to do. It's a normal reaction to try and get hold of what you had before. Give yourself time to see how it goes. And if you decide now to stay, it doesn't mean it has to be forever. You can change your mind. And don't stay in an unhappy marriage for the children. They will realise if it's unhappy and won't necessarily thank you for it.

Actually Lweji, I rather think the colleague/OM did betray the OP - obviously not in a sense of breaking any vows, but in a moral compass, decency, not sticking it in your mate's wife sense, most certainly is a betrayal. The OM knew she was married, should have had the decency to stay the fuck away, respect another couple's relationship, so is just as guilty in my eyes.
To address your question, OP: I have no idea what I'd say in your situation (and I have kinda been there a long time ago - in a situation where a colleague and partner kissed). All I wanted to do at the time is kick his arse I'm afraid.

Good luck tomorrow.

Glad to hear that you will be speaking to management: they are not emotionally involved in this, and will hopefully bring your team a cool-headed and practical solution.

OK so you have decided to try and work things out with your wife. You think it will be easier if he isn't around in work. He presumably doesn't want his wife to know. You have some leverage there then don't you?

Yeah, co-ercion isn't nice but neither is sleeping with a colleague's wife so

Don't delude yourself though that this man is the issue.

Oh and by leverage, I mean, get HIM to dance to YOUR tune. HE goes to HR and requests a transfer (or takes sick leave or gets a new job - whatever!). Why should you demean yourself further? Make him do a bit of running round. No skin off your nose if his wife knows is it?

But that part is easy for me, (I love her, my life, and my kids).

What's your wife saying and thinking? How is she convincing you that she deserves a second chance, or even that she wants to commit to you and the children?

Good luck for tomorrow.

I think you are in an extremely difficult and painful situation and I hope HR can help you. I do think it's the way to deal with this, as the man hasn't had the decency to remove himself pronto from the department or firm.

If you see him, I think you should go with blanking him. I think trying to keep self control under those circumstances is a huge pressure on you, and you can't afford to blow up at work. Don't even speak to him. Don't put yourself through that.

I work with my ex who cheated on me with one of our clients. Working with ex was extremely difficult in itself (although you are still with your wife so that's a little different). But if the client ever stepped foot in our door again I don't know what I'd have done. Probably ended up at getting arrested. I can't imagine being confronted with the other woman/man at work and coping with that at all, don't do it to yourself. Go straight to the management.

I understand that anger and why you direct it at the 'wrong' person sometimes. It's a coping mechanism. Of course the person who mostly deserves your anger is your wife/my ex. But thinking pragmatically, if you have to deal with them in the future in some way, you have to find a way to get along, and it helps to direct some of the anger they deserve, elsewhere.

I imagine this is very frightening for you - not least the prospect of separation from very young kids. However there are shared access arrangements now....

There are of course degrees of awfulness even with an affair and having an affair right under your nose, with a mutual colleague, for six months, ranks pretty highly.

So are they both working today- while you are left feeling that the sky has fallen- are they meeting up and going 'oh everything's fine, he'll get over it'?

Karen - I get you, but there's also the thought of whether the OP wants it all public.
Is it a large company, where HR is anonymous enough that the OM can get shifted and lost, leaving OP and his wife in a place where they can save face?
Is it a small company, where going to HR means going to someone you know, someone who may be a friend, someone you don't like, perhaps, and having to air it all knowing you're about to become the workplace gossip?

And sorry OP, in case I wasn't clear enough, this is what I'd say if I was going to speak to him:

We're going to try and work through this. Don't know if we'll be able to, but you being around won't help. You need to go - to another company, another department, on the sick - I don't care. Presumably your wife won't want you working with my wife any longer anyway. Oh she still doesn't know? That's interesting

Minus2seventy3 Yeah I get that. What I mean is, while the OP has some leverage, he should use it to get what HE wants. He shouldn't be the one taking time off work, he shouldn't be the one wondering how to sort it out. He should make it clear to the man that he wants him out of the way or he will tell his wife. However the man chooses to get out of the way isn't OP's concern. If I was OP, I would make it very clear that this man needs to go. Where and how shouldn't be the OP's concern.

But at the end of the day, a snake's a snake. Risk is, if this man is low enough to have a six month affair with a colleague's wife, he's low enough to call bluff and dig in "your wife fucked me, you're the lesser man... I'm staying put, lump it or I'll let everyone know you can't keep your wife happy".
It's wrong. It's shit. It's why I wanted to twat the bloke who'd kissed my partner, because I didn't count on his morals wanting an "out" that wouldn't involve my personal business becoming company gossip.
OM in this case may fold - everyone's different I guess.

Bluediamond - you don't have to explain to anyone why you want to try make things work with your wife. Do what works for your family. A marriage can be salvaged after an affair.

But your wife needs to be doing EVERYTHING she can to make things right and that includes looking for jobs elsewhere.

As for the other man, I agree that at some point the elephant in the room needs to be shot. I would advise you talk to HR and explain the situation and take their advice.

If you have to speak to him, I would calmly (as calm as you can manage) say: You slept with my wife. You continuing to work here is not an option. My wife and I are trying to work through this issue. She too is looking for a new role. While I would seriously like to punch your lights out, I am asking you politely to please find alternative employment. If you aren't willing to do this, I will be having a chat with your wife about this affair.

Maintain the moral highground and accidentally slip laxatives into his coffee cup while he's not looking.

I don't know where to start with that Minus2.

BlueDiamond, there's no need to be so sniffy in your replies even though they can be excused due to how rotten you must be feeling.

You asked if anyone answered you're original question and the answer is - yes they did, you just didn't get the answer you were hoping for.

Don't say anything to him.
You sound deranged.

I'd take a week off and have a counselling session or three on my own if I was you.

Back off and think about what you want.

Leave the other two out of it.

And certainly don't talk to this guy about anything other than work. It's not up to you to decide that he should leave his job - he needs his income too.

She's not 'your' wife, she's a human, married to you, being who slept with another human being. You need to remember that you're a human being too, and need to sort out your priorities, not go chest thumping and challenging some 'guy' like a crazy, deranged person.

Stop and think. What do you want in your own life: happiness, peace, a harmonious family life? Where do you personally go from here to achieve the goals you have?
Get some counselling to help you slow down, and think in the long term, without being overcome by clouding emotions and confusion.

Minus2seventy3 -"moral compass, decency, not sticking it in your mate's wife sense", - shagger was not his mate!! They just happen to work in the same place.

Minus2seventy3 & Karen - I posted this above " I could be wrong here, but he is clearly not intimidated by you. The only leverage you have is the threat to tell his wife (or violence). If neither is a threat to him you have nothing. You could end up looking even weaker. BTW - he most likely has photo's/video of your wife."

To me the "snake" does not sound intimidated?? Going round to a blokes house (whose wife you have been shagging for 6 months) sounds to me as he is fairly comfortable in his actions.

BlueDiamond, I'll tell you how my relationship survived.
No, my situation wasn't a full blown affair, but it was a betrayal. And yes, a betrayal by both parties. The OM was pally with me, we got along, had shared interests. All the while he was entirely too close to my partner.
When I found out, HR was not an option - it was a small company, but he was in a different section of the office, so my wife promised to go nc with him, and I resisted the urge to be physically violent toward him. I did blank him constantly. I'm sure people noticed.
To everyone else, he was Mr Charm, the company Golden Boy. Eventually, I left, followed soon after by my partner (different companies this time).
You need space and time from the OM - ideally by internal transfer for him, or him leaving altogether. When he's out of the picture, you and your wife can concentrate on your partnership, where you want to go, see if it's salvageable.
Apologies for the tone of my last post if you found it off (though I stand by the message- snakes are snakes).

Do not meet this man.

You have absolutely nothing to gain from it.

I would hazard a guess that your wife and work colleague have probably realised that they both have quite a bit to lose if news of their affair goes public and this proposed meeting is purely a panicked attempt to persuade you to keep you silent. The man keeps his wife in the dark and his marriage in tact and the pair of them avoid any scandal or embarrassment in the office. They are in survival mode right now.

Personally, I would start to take control of the situation, and that starts by not agreeing to this meeting, get her to move out while you have some space to think how you want to move forward with your life. I would not tell the guys wife yet, keep that ace up your sleeve for now, while his infidelity is still a secret he will dance to any tune you play and that includes handing in his notice at work.

Don't let him provoke you into doing something stupid. That will muddy the waters.

They are in the wrong. Get HR involved pronto to protect yourself. You owe them no protection. If that's what they care about then the problems aren't going to be solved.

Salvaging your marriage will take time, and honesty on all sides. Your wife can't hid from what she's done. I also suspect, sorry, that most of the other colleagues already know about this. These things tend to be more public than people think.

Absolutely do not meet him in your home, that is a terrible idea and is likely to lead to arguments and violence in close proximity to your children.

Go to HR and demand that he is moved/sacked. tell him he needs to leave or request a transfer or you will have to tell his wife.

You will also run the risk that your wife is sacked as well, but that would be better than you having to continue working with all three of you in the same team which will be impossible to cope with.

If you and your wife want to put this behind you and try to make things work then there is really nothing to be gained from having a talk with him.