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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I cant remember if my boyfriend had sex with me when i was asleep

125 replies

wonkdont · 06/12/2014 08:39

this is what i can remember or think i can remember:
woke up to do trying to put his finger up my bum, i pushed his hand away, went back to sleep
half awake i remember my underwear being pulled down when i woke up and dp 'rubbing' me i remember pushing his hand away again, pulling underwear up and fell asleep again.
then i remember waking up again to do trying to have anal sex with me, me pushjng him off then i cant remember so might have fallen asleep again then i remember him having sex with me but not for a long time and i don't remember the end of it.
I'm so so confused. If this actually happened, wouldn't i have been more awake/told him to fuck off.
things that might be relevant: wed been drinking (his idea, came home with giant bottle of rum, i only had about 3 drinks though so not drunk) he had about 4 or 5 but wasn't drunk.
he is obsessed with anal sex and i rarely agree as i find it painfull.

i just don't know how to find out what happened? I cant just accuse someone of something like that if I'm not sure.
feeling very weird this.morning so sorry if this doesn't make too much sense

OP posts:
Original poster
wonkdont · 06/12/2014 08:43

Just to clarify think i forgot to say, i dont know if it was just a dream or something that happened

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 06/12/2014 08:47

Do you think he could have spiked your drink?

cantreallybebothered · 06/12/2014 08:47

Jesus. I think it sounds awful and probably happened, could he have spiked your drink to make you woozy?

Even just the fact that he pushes for sex you find painful is enough for me. You need to be away from him!

cantreallybebothered · 06/12/2014 08:47

X post!

Original poster
wonkdont · 06/12/2014 08:50

I dont think he would have spiked my drink, i poured my own anyway because hr makes it too strong, i dont think he would have spiked me ds is only 1 and teething i wouldve needed to be able to wake up to him if he woke up

OP posts:
TheFriar · 06/12/2014 08:50

Sorry from your description I also thought 'spiked drink' :(

I don't know about you but if I have dreams like this, I will actually dream of the act been done etc..

How do you feel today? Are you sore in any way? Any sign that would make you think 'Yes actually I did have sex last night'?

TheFriar · 06/12/2014 08:51

Did you wake for your son during the night at all?

CogitOIOIO · 06/12/2014 08:54

Sounds strange but you are unlikely to have imagined or dreamt something so vivid. Tell him to leave because, whether you were deeply asleep, drunk or drugged, that was a sexual assault. Very serious. Also, if you still have the bottle and the glass you drank out of tell him you'll be taking it to the police for analysis.

AskBasil4StuffingRecipe · 06/12/2014 08:55

" I cant just accuse someone of something like that if I'm not sure."

D'you know what, you owe NOTHING to a man who pressures you into having sex you don't want.

I don't know if he attempted to rape you or actually raped you (and let's call a spade a spade here, that's what it would be if you were asleep and without prior agreement, he had tried to penetrate your body) but a man who is "obsessed" with doing something to his partner's body that she doesn't want, is Bad News all round whether or not he's a rapist.

Fantaface · 06/12/2014 08:56

Do you feel well in yourself this morning? If you had been spiked I suspect you would feel rotten.

Is he asleep? Has he mentioned anything?

CeeloWeevil · 06/12/2014 08:57

a man who is "obsessed" with doing something to his partner's body that she doesn't want, is Bad News all round whether or not he's a rapist.

Yup.

Original poster
wonkdont · 06/12/2014 09:16

He isn't here he doesn't live with me, i live in homeless accomidstion and he's not allowed to stay here, bit sis last night he's gone to work this morning. I feel ok not as if i have been spiked or anything, dont feel 100% but i have a cold i think. I didn't wake up for ds but he probably slept through he sometimes does.
the thing making me think its not a dream is how realistic it was because usually in dreams things look different bit it was definitely my bed/bedsheets/room, the same.side i was sleeping etc etc
we have had sex in the night before BUT not when I'm asleep! And definitely not after pushing him away. No way would i agree to that but maybe it wasn't obvious to him i dont know. I dont want to think he would rape me, i dont have anyone else really and were meant to move on together in January to a new place and it was supposed to be a good thing. DS loves his dad. Embarrassingly though i haven't even known him that long, got pregnant accidently after being together 4 months so maybe he is a psycho for all I know and just hid it well for 2 years

OP posts:
Branleuse · 06/12/2014 09:20

its one thing trying it on in the night and another being so bloody persistent that you think you've very possibly been raped. You sound a bit shaken up. Im sorry x

marne2 · 06/12/2014 09:24

Has he done anything like this before? I don't think it was a dream, It sounds very real. It sounds like you are in a vulnerable situation ( being homeless ) and he probably thinks he can take advantage of you. Nip it in the bud, put your little one first, you don't need him.

RJnomore · 06/12/2014 09:26

Do you feel as if you had sex? Physical signs?

CatCushion · 06/12/2014 09:26

You could go to OOH and ask them to use a rape kit to test for semen.
Can you get a blacklight torch and check your bed for secretions.
Any blood from anus, or feeling bruised anywhere?

Branleuse · 06/12/2014 09:30

btw if youre weirded out about his sexual preferences and they neither match with yours, nor is he respectful of your sexual boundaries, then rape or not, youre not obliged to stay with someone for any reason. Having a baby /child doesn't change that

Joysmum · 06/12/2014 09:36

How do you feel physically? If anal sex is painful for you when you are compliant and you've both prepared, I would have thought it was going to be worse if you haven't?

Either way, I persobally think you're needing to to ditch him. Why would anybody want to do something only they enjoy yo their partner if they know it hurts them? Would any decent man continually pester and probe you when you've clearly rejected his advances on numerous occasions.

This man doesn't respect you or want to please you. I think he's showing you he believes he's entitled to use you and that's all the warning signs of a future rape Sad

Original poster
wonkdont · 06/12/2014 09:36

Physically, not really something i want to talk about but nothing to 100% suggest ive had sex, woke up in a lot of pain not in the obvious places though, but it is a pain that seems to get worse when ive had sex, it feels like a pain on the right just above pelvis and ir hurts a lot when i go to the loo

OP posts:
marne2 · 06/12/2014 09:40

It does sound like he has had sex with you, I wouldn't be surprised if he drug you. You need to get away from this man, it will only get worse ( believe me, I have been there ). I think you need to take yourself to a&E or the police to find out if he had raped you, I know it's not easy but you can't risk this happening again, you need to make sure you and your child are safe.

CatCushion · 06/12/2014 09:45

That sounds like two points of internal bruising. I've had that the one by pelvis (mine usually on left) with consenting sex. The pain going to the loo could be due to lack of lubrication. (So forced sex when a woman is not ready). It would be very strange for that to just appear out of the blue.

If you haven't had a shower yet, call OOH and ask about a test.

Original poster
wonkdont · 06/12/2014 09:46

Ive never even had a boyfriend properly before him i dont know really what to do or how to confront him or fix things
I'm a bit useless i struggle to do a lot of things i do actually need his help a lot of the time though.
:(

OP posts:
Original poster
wonkdont · 06/12/2014 09:48

What is OOH?

OP posts:
Branleuse · 06/12/2014 09:49

honey. How do you think you are going to feel now every time he stays the night.

lemisscared · 06/12/2014 09:52

Do you know what, it doesn't matter if he had sex with you while you were asleep or not (well of course it does but bear with me). He is obsessed with anal sex but you don't like it (because lets face it, it fucking hurts) and he still makes you do it. OP, he is not a good person. I think you should leave him. You say you haven't had another relationship, what is happening here is not right, its not what happens in a loving relationship. There are good, kind, decent and sexy men out there, men that will respect you and care for you. Please get rid of this bastard.

You really don't want to fix things, you want him gone Flowers