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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I cant remember if my boyfriend had sex with me when i was asleep

125 replies

wonkdont · 06/12/2014 08:39

this is what i can remember or think i can remember:
woke up to do trying to put his finger up my bum, i pushed his hand away, went back to sleep
half awake i remember my underwear being pulled down when i woke up and dp 'rubbing' me i remember pushing his hand away again, pulling underwear up and fell asleep again.
then i remember waking up again to do trying to have anal sex with me, me pushjng him off then i cant remember so might have fallen asleep again then i remember him having sex with me but not for a long time and i don't remember the end of it.
I'm so so confused. If this actually happened, wouldn't i have been more awake/told him to fuck off.
things that might be relevant: wed been drinking (his idea, came home with giant bottle of rum, i only had about 3 drinks though so not drunk) he had about 4 or 5 but wasn't drunk.
he is obsessed with anal sex and i rarely agree as i find it painfull.

i just don't know how to find out what happened? I cant just accuse someone of something like that if I'm not sure.
feeling very weird this.morning so sorry if this doesn't make too much sense

OP posts:
cookietrue22 · 06/12/2014 21:00

OP I'm not sure him coming over to talk is the best idea. Is the hostel staffed? Please stay safe. You have received some brilliant advice here, please listen.

Original poster
wonkdont · 06/12/2014 21:02

No i haven't yet DS has a cold and is grumpy ive been busy with him all day plus feeling weird.
no people only work here 9-5, its a flat i live in not shared, he wont kick off or anything like that not with ds asleep

OP posts:
Vivacia · 06/12/2014 21:03

I agree with cookie and that's why I asked if there's anyone nearby. I would text him and tell him not to come.

Original poster
wonkdont · 06/12/2014 21:05

I cant never see him again he is ds dad, i just want to know if he was actually asleep or what he says

OP posts:
lemisscared · 06/12/2014 21:06

please don't see him, he will bombard you with bullshit - tell the person in charge that he is not to be allowed in.

lemisscared · 06/12/2014 21:08

you can not see him again, you absolutely can - he should be in prison anyway!

cookietrue22 · 06/12/2014 21:09

I understand you really need to know but do you think he's going to just admit it? I don't even know you but I'm feeling worried for you.

Fiftyplusmum · 06/12/2014 21:31

Is there anyone you can text (female friend, female relative) now and ask them to come over and keep you company?

Fiftyplusmum · 06/12/2014 21:32

If he does come round, don't drink anything.

Cabrinha · 06/12/2014 22:25

You poor thing.
I do think your drink was spiked. If you weren't drunk, would you really have been able to fall back asleep THREE times after waking to find him touching you and having to push him off? I really doubt an undrugged sober you would have been going back to sleep so easily and heavily Sad

Original poster
wonkdont · 06/12/2014 23:09

He seemed pretty convinced that he was asleep. There was this time before when he was over and DS woke up about 2 ir 3 times and i saw hum get up, pick ds and settle him, then in the morning he thought da had slept all night and couldn't remember getting up with him, makes me think he is telling the truth..
but can toy really have sex without noticing? And someone pushing you away would wake you up? Or not? Is this possible.
not how i expected my life at 23 to be like, homeless, jobless mother with maybe a rapist for a boyfriend. No idea how ive ended up in this situation

OP posts:
Original poster
wonkdont · 06/12/2014 23:13

Thankyou for advice everyone sorry I'm not doing a good job at replyong ny head feels a bit mixed up has gone home now.I have been thinking about the drugged thing that a lot of people are saying, i thought that wouldn't be possible cause i doubt he'd know where to get drugs from and realised he has a massive cupboard full of his mothers prescription pain meds, sleeping pills etc they are all very strong whatever they are because she is totally out of it when she takes them,

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 06/12/2014 23:18

How about you see yourself as a 23yo who is housed (albeit via homeless system, but you are housed and will in time be housed permanently) with a fabulous baby, choosing to currently not work until he is older. And happily single 23yo housed mum, having shown her strength when she decided not to put up with a boyfriend who pushes for sex you don't want?

Original poster
wonkdont · 06/12/2014 23:21

I just always thought id have more control over my life i guess but none of this is what i wanted or planned to do and now I'm stuck in a town i dont know with no friends and I'm scared to death of not being with someone even of he treats me bad because he is all i have and i love him (i think) this just isn't me or not who i thought i was

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 06/12/2014 23:26

Oh love, I want to scoop you up and give you a big hug Sad
I expect your chance to access support is at it's peak right now - being in this accommodation, the staff, support for new mothers.
I know it won't be perfect, resources with be stretched - but TAKE any help you can get right now.

Cabrinha · 06/12/2014 23:28

You may feel you don't have much control right now, but you DO have control over your own body darling. x

MillliChristmas · 06/12/2014 23:36

What about "sleep sex". He said he doesn't remember and you have said that he has got up in the middle of the night to attend to his son yet woke up not remembering it at all.

Lweji · 07/12/2014 00:10

If he had assaulted you sexually when he was asleep he should be mortified.
He should do his best to ensure it would never happen again.

Lweji · 07/12/2014 00:11

How you take control of your life is to dump this sorry excuse for a man. You build up a life with your child. Homelessness won't last forever. You will find a home and you will be happy. But not with him.

NettleTea · 07/12/2014 00:14

Asleep or not asleep
Raped or a dream

these things are confusing. What isnt confusing is that he likes to coerce you into anal sex and you dont like it. That is enough to get rid, even without the potentially serious confusing stuff

Redglitter · 07/12/2014 00:27

Even if it was a dream the very fact you think it might have happened means you believe he's capable of it. If you think he's capable or rape or sexual assault you need to end the relationship before you wake up one morning and know that this time you weren't dreaming

CeeloWeevil · 07/12/2014 07:39

wonkdont, you say that you don't have any friends; have you joined any mother and baby groups locally? They're a great source of potential friends.
And as Cabrinha said, you can change the way you see yourself -
You're choosing not to work while you bring up your DC, you are looking forward to making new friends in your area, you are housed and what's more important is that you challenged your twat of a boyfriend, you didn't just put up with stuff. You'll get stronger and more confident as time goes by. Keep posting, as MN is a brilliant place for support.

AnyFucker · 07/12/2014 11:03

Sleepy anal sex ?

Nope, not buying it

cookietrue22 · 07/12/2014 12:04

Are you ok OP?

There is a sleep disorder in which people have been known to have sex in their sleep and then have no recollection of it. I'm not saying this is the case here though.

From your description, it sounds planned on your bf behalf. You sound as though you were spiked, you were at the very least plied with alcohol.

You sound very vulnerable at the moment. Please keep posting. I'm new here but I've seen some brilliant advice and support being offered by the lovely ladies on here.

Whether or not you were raped. It is not ok for anyone to pressure you into any sexual act. If you do not want to partake in anal, that is your choice and your right and he should absolutely respect that.

Can you talk to anyone in RL about this? PM if you want a chat. I hope you are ok. Have been very troubled by your situation since I read it. Xx

Queenofwands · 07/12/2014 15:09

I am concerned about the potential risk he may have exposed you to through mixing sleeping tablets and alcohol. It's really creepy, and if he did do that you might never have woken up. Your baby could lose it's Mum for his kicks. You sound like an intelligent girl and a good mum and I hope you find the strength to trust your instincts on this.