I cant remember if my boyfriend had sex with me when i was asleep

[wonkdont]

this is what i can remember or think i can remember:
woke up to do trying to put his finger up my bum, i pushed his hand away, went back to sleep
half awake i remember my underwear being pulled down when i woke up and dp 'rubbing' me i remember pushing his hand away again, pulling underwear up and fell asleep again.
then i remember waking up again to do trying to have anal sex with me, me pushjng him off then i cant remember so might have fallen asleep again then i remember him having sex with me but not for a long time and i don't remember the end of it.
I'm so so confused. If this actually happened, wouldn't i have been more awake/told him to fuck off.
things that might be relevant: wed been drinking (his idea, came home with giant bottle of rum, i only had about 3 drinks though so not drunk) he had about 4 or 5 but wasn't drunk.
he is obsessed with anal sex and i rarely agree as i find it painfull.

i just don't know how to find out what happened? I cant just accuse someone of something like that if I'm not sure.
feeling very weird this.morning so sorry if this doesn't make too much sense

No one thinks you are being difficult I promise.

There's an email - it says it's only staffed part time but you could email them a link to this thread

www.rapecrisis.org.uk/contact1.php

The email is on that page

Thankyou i will email them after ive made a new email account he doesn't know the password for

When are you next expecting to see him?

Personally, I think that your weepiness is your body telling you to trust your instincts - something's wrong.

Why does he know your email password? Do you know his?

This is not a case where you had sex and you're not sure whether you consented or not, which obviously can be tricky to prove and turn into he said/she said.

This is a case where you know you did not consent to anal sex and you think it might have happened against your will. They can test for whether you've had anal sex recently and there you have it - evidence that it took place.

Either way this guy is awful and you do not need him.

Are you in London?

There are 3 centres called The Havens at hospitals in London for victims of sexual assault. You just have to phone and make an appointment, you won't even need to say anything or explain anything if you don't feel like you can. All you have to say is, "I'd like to make an appointment". They are open 24/7.

They will not inform the police unless you ask them to. They can offer you health checks, std checks, counselling. If you want, they can take evidence, in case you decide that you want to involve the police at a later date. You do need to go as soon as possible though. If nothing else, they can examine you and tell you what happened, put your mind at ease. Whatever you want.

You should change your sheets and the clothes you were wearing in bed and keep them in a plastic bag until you have thought about what you want to do.

If you don't live in London, go to A&E. Write down what you said in your post on a piece of paper so you don't have to say anything.

I promise you, everyone will be lovely and very understanding.

Sorry, I forgot, here is a link to The Havens:

www.thehavens.org.uk/visiting-us/making-an-appointment/

He doesn't need your email password. Why does he have it ?

You could just change your email password, unless he set it up for you.

Do everything at your own speed OP. One step at a time and you dont have to do anything you don't want to do.

I have the same password as DP for everything (because we are both as forgetful as fuck) but if he has made the account for you etc or made you give him the password that is another red flag for him to being dangerously controlling.

Of course he behaved normally, he would wouldn't he, the sick fuck probably thought he was being erotic. The problem is, if you don't challenge him on this then he is going to take it as a green light for future assaults.

You need to tell him that a) you do not enjoy anal sex and are no longer happy to continue to do this and b) you are worried that he had unconsensual sex with you while you were asleep and that it has really upset you, tell him you felt unwell today - it might just be extreme anxiety (and thats not surprise) but you may well be suffering a come down for any drug he spiked your drink with.

His reaction to this is vital - if he is full of apology, mortified and promises never ever EVER to do this again, then just maybe the relationship has a chance but in all honesty, i suspect that this wont happen. I feel that you need to get away from this man. He doesn't live with you so you tell him he is no longer welcome and that if he bothers you again you will go to the police.

I am so sorry this has happened to you, it is not your fault

Not rtft OP but...

Firstly, it might be an idea to ask HQ to put a trigger warning on the thread, because...

Secondly, I have been raped twice before. The first time I was spiked in a bar and taken back to a bloke's house. That time was exactly like this...drifting in and out of consciousness, refusing while I was aware but becoming unaware again very quickly, becoming conscious while someone was having sex with me. It did have a strange fuzziness to the memory the next day but most certainly was not a dream. Get rid of him and call the police.

You don't have to make any hasty decisions. But you do need to have professional support.

I think his acting normal is to cover up what he did, to make you confused and think that it couldn't possibly have happened.

MyEmpireOfDirt, I don't think that lemisscared meant to minimise things and suggest it was an innocent misunderstanding or accident, I think she meant the OP's partner may well have such a sense of entitlement that he thinks he is above the law and what he did is ok so wouldn't feel guilty, hence coming across as normal.

My STBXH really does seem to genuinely have an unshakeable belief that there is nothing wrong with coercion, husbands are entitled to have sex with their wives whether they want it or not, they should lie back and think of England, it doesn't count as rape if you stop eventually, in fact, it isn't rape at all if you don't use extreme physical force in his opinion, it's fine to ignore as many nos as you like... I quote, "it's not sexual abuse, it's just different tastes". I really, truly believe he doesn't think he did anything wrong.

He too is obsessed by anal sex. He also, quite genuinely suggested many times that the solution to the "problem" of me not wanting anal sex might be him doing it while I was asleep.

OP, I hope you are ok and have managed to talk to Rape Crisis or go to A&E.

Bsharri, that is exactly what i meant. I absolutely did not think it was a misunderstanding and its an interesting point actually because whilst i agree that this was most definately rape, this scum bag will not have believed that for a second as im sure many rapists don't, such is their arrogance.

To be fair, my empire of dirt is correct, the op shouldn't stay with this man, regardless of his reaction. I am pretty confident that HE will minimalise and absolutely wont see a problem with what he has done and the best thing the OP can do is never let him back into her house again.

Nobody decent would pressure you into doing something you don't enjoy, for their sexual pleasure.
This man is not a good man.
I'm so sorry.

He says he was asleep,has no idea what happened etc. I'm so confused.
he's going to come over to talk about it but I've told him he cant stay, because I'm scared.

Did you get in touch with Rape Crisis?

Is there anyone close by?

if you are in homeless accommodation, is there a social worker or assistant on duty?

He "has no idea what happened" ?? I'm sorry, I'm confused. Is he implying he was asleep and raped you while he was sleeping?