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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I cant remember if my boyfriend had sex with me when i was asleep

125 replies

wonkdont · 06/12/2014 08:39

this is what i can remember or think i can remember:
woke up to do trying to put his finger up my bum, i pushed his hand away, went back to sleep
half awake i remember my underwear being pulled down when i woke up and dp 'rubbing' me i remember pushing his hand away again, pulling underwear up and fell asleep again.
then i remember waking up again to do trying to have anal sex with me, me pushjng him off then i cant remember so might have fallen asleep again then i remember him having sex with me but not for a long time and i don't remember the end of it.
I'm so so confused. If this actually happened, wouldn't i have been more awake/told him to fuck off.
things that might be relevant: wed been drinking (his idea, came home with giant bottle of rum, i only had about 3 drinks though so not drunk) he had about 4 or 5 but wasn't drunk.
he is obsessed with anal sex and i rarely agree as i find it painfull.

i just don't know how to find out what happened? I cant just accuse someone of something like that if I'm not sure.
feeling very weird this.morning so sorry if this doesn't make too much sense

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 06/12/2014 09:52

whether this man sexually assaulted you or not (and it sounds like he did, and has been working up to it for some time) you obviously think him capable of it or you wouldn't be posting here

any man that is "obsessed" with a particular sex act especially one that requires an awful lot of mutual cooperation and desire for it so that it doesn't cause physical pain and damage to sensitive membranes tot he point of pestering and pushing boundaries wants binning

I advise you not to move in with him and it would be best if you ended the relationship

this man is not good for you, despite outward appearances of being "helpful"

CatCushion · 06/12/2014 09:52

Don't say anything to him. You cannot fix him. Dont waste your time trying. Go to a&e and local police. Put his stuff in black bags and leave it for him to collect.

We all struggle alone. It is ok to struggle and need help. Other people will help you, or you will manage. You will surprise yourself with what you can do on your own! Don't accept help from someone who has drugged and raped you.

CatCushion · 06/12/2014 09:56

Sorry, OOH is out of hours (when doctor's surgery is closed). I'm losing track of time and getting it mixed up with something else, and as someone else said, A & E at a hospital is a better bet, or a family planning clinic drop in.

CatCushion · 06/12/2014 09:57

And sorry, that other post is far too bossy and has too many don'ts!

YonicScrewdriver · 06/12/2014 09:57

Out of hours - it's an NHS service.

I am not a doctor but I once had cystitis that became a kidney infection that hurt further up. Worth checking out?

But I agree with others, he wants to have a kind of sex with you that hurts you and that you dislike. This is bad.

MinceSpy · 06/12/2014 10:13

Wonkdont I'm really sorry but you have been raped by a man who plied you with alcohol. He also raped you whilst your child was asleep but there.
Please tell someone and I really would encourage you to report it to the police, they will take you seriously. Don't shower or anything until you've spoken to the police.
Please report this and keep you and your son safe.

Original poster

wonkdont · 06/12/2014 10:21

I honestly dont think i want to go to the police, i dont even know if it happened and i know it is a hard thing to prove anyway. All I could say to them really is "i think this might have happened but i don't know it might have been a dream" i have sex with him a lot (he's my boyfriend so obviously) and quite rough so any evidence wouldn't really hold, would it? I dont want hospitals, police stations etc i also have social anxiety anyway and probably couldn't get a word out of my mouth to a policeman i just don't want to report anything to anyone basically it sounds scary to me its really not something i would be able to do

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 06/12/2014 10:24

That's ok, love. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. Can you speak to a trusted friend about what has happened. Or call Rape Crisis here who will support you confidentially and not push you into any actions you cannot cope with.

RJnomore · 06/12/2014 10:26

Sweetheart, can you phone rape crisis?

It doesn't matter how often or what kind of sex you have with him, noone has the right to have sex with you when you do not want to or in a way you do not want.

Your head is understandably all over the place. You are either worried because this happened or because you have realised that he has the potential for this to happen and either way you need support.

I'll find the rape crisis number brb.

RJnomore · 06/12/2014 10:27

0808 882 9999

It opens at 12.

MinceSpy · 06/12/2014 10:29

Wonkdont I completely respect that and would always say it's your choice. Please though do speak to some one who can offer you support Rape Crisis or similar.

MyEmpireOfDirt · 06/12/2014 10:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CatCushion · 06/12/2014 10:40

The police won't mind, nor would A&E staff.

It's not to prosecute him. It is to log an incident to protect yourself and your child in future. Even if it was a dream, he still pesters you for something you are unwilling to endure. That needs to stop, and best to make it very clear.

You don't get that kind of pain from a dream....however if you could be ovulating it could possibly be connected to that. That doesn't explain the pain peeing though. It is worth getting a urine test for an infection. (I'm assuming pee - if painful passing solids then that suggests anal fissure and anal rape. There is your evidence.)

If you have had (consenting) sex last night with your bf, then that might make a difference. If there has been a significant time gap since you last had consenting sex, then tests would be able to show that. (Sorry, I don't know the exact times involved). You would need to get tested as soon as possible, then.

You could write out a clear note asking to be checked for evidence for rape, and show people at the desk, if you can't say it out loud, and just talk in the private consultation.

HumblePieMonster · 06/12/2014 11:03

Ive never even had a boyfriend properly before him i dont know really what to do or how to confront him or fix things
That doesn't mean you have to put up with the man who raped you in your sleep, knowing you'd been drinking, knowing you were unwilling, and who might have drugged you.
Do take the action suggested by posters above.
You and your child need to be safe from this horrible man.

eddielizzard · 06/12/2014 11:08

this guy is a bad 'un. you can't trust him, and it's clear to me you don't trust him. i do think it's time to ltb, and make sure those around you know so that you're supported. very important. don't isolate yourself.

Vivacia · 06/12/2014 11:09

Please phone Rape Crisis.

This man is dangerous, and is taking advantage of your lack of experience and low expectations. Getting in to bed with a man should be one of the most safest places you can be.

AnyFucker · 06/12/2014 11:10

Don't confront him. Don't try and tell him he may have sexually assaulted you. If he gave himself permission to do that (and like I say, it is possible he has been working up to it for some time) then he is not going to listen to you. The least worrying way he would react is to tell you that you are being silly and make you doubt yourself (google gaslighting) and you gain nothing except give him the green light to continue pushing your boundaries.

Original poster

wonkdont · 06/12/2014 11:12

He just phoned me, i answered and just sort of auto-pilot spoke to him as usual. He seemed like how he normally is not nervous or anything. Which made me think i probably did imagine it.
then i got in the shower and it was really weird like spaced out and started crying a lot. I'm so so confused why am i so upset about something that might not have even happened. I dont FEEL upset bit obviously i must be or i wouldn't be crying.
idont like this and i don't know what to do

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 06/12/2014 11:12

It makes absolutely no difference when deciding whether he sexually assaulted you if...

you have had sex with him before, rough or not
you invited him into your bed
that you didn't fight back effectively
that you are in a relationship

He doesn't get to do that to you. It's against the law. The End.

YonicScrewdriver · 06/12/2014 11:14

Op, just because he is acting normal does not mean what he did is Normal.

RJnomore · 06/12/2014 11:15

Please please phone rape crisis.

You are reacting perfectly normally.

RJnomore · 06/12/2014 11:15

And what af says is spot on.

Original poster

wonkdont · 06/12/2014 11:22

I'm a bit scared to phone rape crisis i find phone calls difficult as it is, i have massive social problems which i know need sorting out I'm not trying to be difficult i know I'm not doing a good job of making sense

OP posts:

NewNamePlease · 06/12/2014 11:23

Please go and see a doctor, that doesn't mean the police. Just go and get yourself checked out for the sake of you one year old. They can normally tell if you have had sex in the last 24 hours . They won't force you to report it.

Also they can do std checks, as a man that does this probably isn't being faithful.

As a side note, I have incredibly realistic dreams when I'm tipsy, dreams of the night continuing and would wake up swearing blind that me and one of my mates had stayed up playing monopoly or me and boyf had crazy kinky sex etc. But the fact you've woken up with pain proves something has happened without your consent/knowledge.

You need to get away from this man, please don't move in with him or you will find yourself trapped. No need to confront him email/text or if you do have to see him make sure you have someone with you.

Are there any other occasions when something like this May have happened?

AnyFucker · 06/12/2014 11:31

It's ok, we know you are not trying to be difficult

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