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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband being a Dick

115 replies

sik2deth · 23/08/2014 20:01

We went out for a meal and he spent the whole evening eyeing up the waitress everytime she walked past (you know - the old head turn, once up. once down, manouvere) x 20.
Once I could understand, but the whole evening?
Has he NO respect for me?
Understandably, we had an argument.
He is now stonewalling me.

I know there will be the usual advice- ''you should not be so jealous and you should be POINTING OUT attractive women to him'' contingent on here.
But, sorry, I am old fashioned.
I think that if youre with you're wife, you shouldnt be eyeing up other women?
Does that make me insecure and old-fashioned?

OP posts:
ColdCottage · 23/08/2014 20:05

Checking someone out the first time might even be subconscious but again and again is disrespectful of you.

He is out on a date with you, that is who he should be concentrating on, even if you have had a falling out. You should be working through that.

Sorry he spoilt your evening. When you have both calmed down explain how it made you feel, perhaps he can take you somewhere extra nice to cook you a meal with bubbly and wine to make it up to you.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 23/08/2014 20:08

No, it doesn't. It indicates that you know you deserve to be treated with consideration and respect. Which he has proven he won't give to you. The stonewalling just compounds the offence because he knows but won't acknowledge that he's behaved like a complete shit. Most likely because that's what he is: a complete and utter disrespectful bloody shit.

The question that remains to be asked is: what do you propose to do about it?

Original poster
sik2deth · 23/08/2014 20:09

I have tried telling him.

He says he is just 'interested in people'
I think the women he does this to look at me with pity.
Pity that I am with somebody who is 'giving them the eye'.

Why can men not see that their 'roving eye' demeans the person they are with?

OP posts:
LittleMissRayofHope · 23/08/2014 20:11

I think you definitely need to speak to him about it. He is stonewalling but he can still listen and tbh sometimes the stonewalling gives you a chance to simply say all you have to say without him belittling it all and making out your crazy.

Eyeing up the waitress once is... Understandable. It's a bit natural. Especially for some men more then others, so only you know if that is normal for him. But repeatedly is rude, selfish and crass. It shows a deeper thoughtlessness for you as his wife IMHO.
Maybe I'm over reacting or reading too deep. I'm old fashioned too and I would be deeply offended by that behaviour. Once I can overlook, twice id be miffed, 3 times or more and id probably have offered her my seat and asked for her apron!!

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 23/08/2014 20:14

The thing is, if they are in public patently out with a partner, giving someone "the eye" demeans themselves, too. That's why she looked at you with pity.

It's not a matter of being "old fashioned": it's a matter of being deserving of respect.

Maybe a couple of nights sleeping on the sofa might give him time to reflect on his utter shitdom?

DisgraceToTheYChromosome · 23/08/2014 20:20

"If you don't stop dribbling at the staff I'm going to ask him/her for a threesome".

Works for us. Had a close shave in Bruges when his hearing was sharper than I thought...

Original poster
sik2deth · 23/08/2014 20:21

If I speak to him he will say that ''I didn't realise I was doing it''.
I have had this before.
How can somebody do this ALL evening and not know they're doing it?

OP posts:
Original poster
sik2deth · 23/08/2014 20:24

"If you don't stop dribbling at the staff I'm going to ask him/her for a threesome".

Disgrace, I wish I was brave enough to do this.
But I'm not.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 23/08/2014 20:26

Angry for you, how awful!

Original poster
sik2deth · 23/08/2014 20:29

He's done this numerous times.
I've tried to be reasonable, even to the point of saying '' I know its supposed to be instinctive and you 'can't help it' i personally think that's a crock of shit excuse, but what can you do , but can you PLEASE
only do it when you're on your OWN.

In other words, if you want to be a pervert, and 'can't control your're Natural Instincts like an animal, but hey ho, then so be it,
but please have some respect for me, and NOT do it when you're with me?

The thing is, the other night, I was watching the other men in the restaurant and even some of the younger men weren't doing what he was doing.
So I don't think I was being unreasonable.

OP posts:
BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 23/08/2014 20:29

Of course he knows he was doing it. Do not be sidetracked by his pathetic excuses. As long as he maintains that "he didn't know he was doing it" he doesn't have to acknowledge that he was being intentionally disrespectful to you.

He's caused you pain and now he's rubbing salt in the wound by insisting that you're making shit up and he's the poor innocent falsely accused by an insecure woman nagging at him. Don't bloody fall for it.

Original poster
sik2deth · 23/08/2014 20:31

He's doing the Silent Treatment now.
On Day 2 and counting. Sad

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 23/08/2014 20:33

He is now stonewalling me.

OP I posted this link on another thread, you might like to take a look.

If you are serious about him stonewalling, then this article predicts 'divorce with over 90% accuracy'.

What do you want to do about this?

Original poster
sik2deth · 23/08/2014 20:39

The crazy thing is, he's very loving (and generous) at times.

The day preceding when he perved on the waitress, he bought me a surprise present, was very attentive, loving etc. but, then ignores me and 'checks the waitress out x 20 in one evening? Shock

This is what throws me. Why treat me brilliantly one minute and like shit the next?

I will never understand the male mind Sad

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 23/08/2014 20:43

Why treat me brilliantly one minute and like shit the next?

Because if he treated you like shit all the time you'd leave, right?

Original poster
sik2deth · 23/08/2014 20:44

fairenuff, true.
Never thought of it like that.

OP posts:
FunkyBoldRibena · 23/08/2014 20:46

Do you think the waitress is secretly hoping the perv at the table will be hoping he makes all her dreams come true one day? Nah - he's just a perv at the table.

He probably does the good guy bit to make you shut up about the bad guy bit. Cuntish behaviour.

Itsfab · 23/08/2014 20:46

Not the male mind, HIS mind.

He is ignoring you so you get fed up, start talking to him again and he forgetting about it so he can get back to normal.

And you are brave. Everyone is, they just need to have faith in themselves.

You need a plan. Tell him exactly how it makes you feel and that if he does it again you are going to walk out, say the comment above or something of your choice. And then do it.

Fairenuff · 23/08/2014 20:49

Never thought of it like that.

Time to start thinking of it like that? You don't have to put up with this, you know, you are worth more.

Original poster
sik2deth · 23/08/2014 20:52

You need a plan. Tell him exactly how it makes you feel and that if he does it again you are going to walk out, say the comment above or something of your choice. And then do it.

I know I need to do this, but I think I need to wait until he has finished with his 'slient' treatment, before I tackle/approach it.

I don't think I'm being unreasonable. I accept though don't completely believe that men can't help looking at other women and that it's 'instinctive', so I have said to him that I don't mind him having 'free reign' when I'm not around, but NOT to do it when he's with me.
Not too much to ask?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 23/08/2014 20:52

Yep please don't carry on putting up with it. I would be so embarressed if my partner behaved like that. Actually Uncle through marriage flirts with SIL and it is just absolutely hideous to observe him drool over her in front of his partner SIL's aunt.

Original poster
sik2deth · 23/08/2014 20:54

Funkybold, I did get the impression that the waitress was playing on the fact she had this middle-aged saddo eyeing her up.
Every time she walked past the table, she would give me this little, pitying smile.
(sad really - you would think women would stick together)

OP posts:
Original poster
sik2deth · 23/08/2014 20:56

So, if I'm in a restaurant and I see him doing this, what should I do?

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 23/08/2014 20:57

Don't blame the waitress, OP, she is just trying to do her job

Fairenuff · 23/08/2014 20:58

So, if I'm in a restaurant and I see him doing this, what should I do?

If you really want to make a statement, you could get up and walk out.

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