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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband being a Dick

115 replies

sik2deth · 23/08/2014 20:01

We went out for a meal and he spent the whole evening eyeing up the waitress everytime she walked past (you know - the old head turn, once up. once down, manouvere) x 20.
Once I could understand, but the whole evening?
Has he NO respect for me?
Understandably, we had an argument.
He is now stonewalling me.

I know there will be the usual advice- ''you should not be so jealous and you should be POINTING OUT attractive women to him'' contingent on here.
But, sorry, I am old fashioned.
I think that if youre with you're wife, you shouldnt be eyeing up other women?
Does that make me insecure and old-fashioned?

OP posts:
bunchoffives · 23/08/2014 22:48

Any where you could go and stay for a bit of a break while the manchild grows up

Original poster
sik2deth · 23/08/2014 22:49

No. I think that boat ha sailed.
I will just have to ride it the stonewalling silence out-- this time.

and then formulate a plan.

OP posts:
Olddear · 23/08/2014 22:51

Think of yourself as ONLY being 47! You could have years left with this lech! I don't know how difficult it would be for you to leave, you say you are with him for security, or perhaps you don't want to leave for whatever reason, I would make a life for myself without him. He doesn't speak? Who cares? Ignore him. Go into another room, read, watch tv, knit, crochet whatever, just don't interact with this man child. Do you have friends, outside interests? If not, get some. Do you work? Volunteer for some charity etc?
You are a young woman, it's not too late to start over. Read some if the threads on MN and you will be truly inspired by some of the stories these women tell! Do not be a doormat for one more day! You can do this.

Fairenuff · 23/08/2014 22:52

OP you give the impression that you understand what stonewalling is.

Yet you also seem to dismiss it.

Do you realise that is it a serious problem and that you can never be happy like this?

Hakluyt · 23/08/2014 22:57

What wierd burping assertive crap?

Twinklestein · 23/08/2014 22:57

Have you ever told him OP how much women pity other women with leching husbands like him? That more than it annoys you that he rubbernecks, you just hate being pitied. That you'd like to be able to feel proud of him but you just feel ashamed to be with him when he behaves like that.

Twinklestein · 23/08/2014 22:57

Why do you put up with all his nonsense btw?

heartisaspade · 23/08/2014 23:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Meerka · 23/08/2014 23:04

You notably seem to be trying to get through to him with reason on this, for the entire length of your marriage.

When are you going to figure out it isn't working?

Next time he does it forget the words, take action. Get up and leave him.

And no, not all men do this. As you noted, many / most of the men in the restaurant don't. Just a rather pathetic minority.

If it's any help, most waitresses are used to it and don't have much time or any respect for middle aged men doing this.

StercusAccidit · 23/08/2014 23:21

OP
No time like the present to show the dickhead what rewards he gets for 'stonewalling'
Usually i bet you tiptoe round him, doing all the usual things, hoping he'll snap out of it soon, feeling wretched, sad, lonely, then happy and relieved when he deigns to talk to you again?

Not this time.
No cooking, washing, no favours. Go out maybe, to see family or friends, go swimming or to the gym, don't tell him anything, not even 'bye love see you later'

He'll snap out of it or starve, unless he starts licking his skiddy pants for nutrition or pays for meals out.

You do not need to accept this abuse.

bunchoffives · 23/08/2014 23:21

What weird burping assertive crap?

Am I alone in instantly understanding what the OP meant?

They come in the same room or walk past you and let out a big burp that they know you'll hate but do it any way just to make the point that they can and they don't care that you don't like it.

...or is that just me? Grin

Fairenuff · 23/08/2014 23:23

Yeah, dh doesn't do that either...

Hakluyt · 23/08/2014 23:26

"They come in the same room or walk past you and let out a big burp that they know you'll hate but do it any way just to make the point that they can and they don't care that you don't like it."

I'm really sorry- but why would you want to spend your life- or even 5 minutes of your life- with somebody who does this?

No, not all men do this. Honestly. They don't.

Botanicbaby · 23/08/2014 23:27

Er...next time he does it (if you give him a next time that is), just get up and walk out of the restaurant.

His behaviour is massively disrespectful, he is doing it deliberately. Don't believe that this is just his instinct - as you say, other men in the restaurant weren't doing it. It's not a 'man' thing, its a 'him' thing. He is, as you say, behaving like a dick. Not an attractive quality.

I suspect you can do a lot better than him and he knows it but he'll continue with his petty silences for as long as it suits him to do so.

The minute you take less notice of him and appear (even if its killing you) less bothered about anything he does, the better. He sounds extremely childish and immature. As PP have said, you don't need to put up with this. 47 is not old at all. Hell there's no age I'd say you had to be in order to put up with this shit. Good luck OP! You are most definitely not being insecure and old-fashioned.

heartisaspade · 23/08/2014 23:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 24/08/2014 00:01

Has it ever occurred to you that not only is he leering in a most unattractive and lecherous way but he's also done it purpose to demean, embarrass and undermine your confidence? It should have, as that's what he's been doing all this time. Now, how many men, if they had a scintilla of respect or any regard for wives whatsoever would do such a thing? That's right, not a single bloody one of them.

He's showing you precisely what he thinks of you, loud and clear.

43percentburnt · 24/08/2014 07:25

Men are Definately not all like this. 95% of men I have been on a date with have never noticeably eyed up someone else. The one that did transpired to be an abusive arse. Maybe that says something...

The waitress no doubt thinks he's a sad loser. I have worked with men like him, normally the ex sporty types, who think they are gods gift, they lech at waitresses, secretary's, bar staff. I always wonder if it's their dw posting on here. Funny thing is I do hear other men comment on how sad they are.

Think you have to decide if his behaviour is acceptable to you. You won't change him, but you can change being in a relationship with him.

43percentburnt · 24/08/2014 07:30

The big burp comment. Not all men do this.

In fact what men do this? I am intrigued, what men walk past a room and burp to show their presence?

Do they walk past boardrooms burping at the MD? Do they burp through solicitors doorways down the high street? Into various rooms at the doctors surgery whilst walking down the corridor to room 9?

I have obviously led a very sheltered life.

Bigoleheffer · 24/08/2014 07:35

My ex loved to burp loudly or fart when he was stone walling me. He would not only eye people up in an over obvious way but he would also walk past them and smile in an exaggerated way. It was all about undermining my confidence. He did not want me having an ounce of confidence because then I might leave him. I did leave him but it took me years. I don't have all of my confidence back but thank god I'm no longer with him. Please don't stay with that man. He will destroy you and make your life miserable. You deserve to be with someone who adores you and makes you feel happy.

FindoGask · 24/08/2014 07:58

Maybe you could explain to him how ridiculous it makes him look. When we were out for dinner as a family, my father in law always used to clumsily chat up the young waitresses whilst the rest of us quietly cringed, both for him and for my very lovely and dignified MIL. It was like a reflex with him, and awful to watch.

Rebecca2014 · 24/08/2014 08:06

I am sure the waitress was thrilled to be ogled at for the entire time you two were there!

Original poster
sik2deth · 24/08/2014 09:12

What weird burping assertive crap?

Am I alone in instantly understanding what the OP meant?

They come in the same room or walk past you and let out a big burp that they know you'll hate but do it any way just to make the point that they can and they don't care that you don't like it.

Bunchofives, you have described it exactly. This is what he does.

OP posts:
bunchoffives · 24/08/2014 09:31

No wonder you are Sik2Deth Sad Poor OP, I do really feel for you with your D H

May be you should start to seriously consider how you could go about leaving?

You know he won't change? And he's likely to actually get worse as he gets older.

I know it's so scary thinking about being on your own, but there is so much more peace of mind, freedom and you can take pleasure in all the little things again.

Hakluyt · 24/08/2014 09:38

Sik2deth- honestly, this is not what all men are like. I am 50 and I have lived a full and complex life and I have never heard of the assertive burping thing, for example.

I would be planning to leave. What are you getting from the relationship?

Nomama · 24/08/2014 09:49

So next time he does it, give him The Look and tell him to grow up.

If my DH ever did that he would not get 2 paces without my having told him how ridiculous he looked/sounded.

As others have said,if he is being silent you have a perfect scenario to fill the house with how you feel and what you expect of him...

So, give him the The Look and pick an observation.... The Look, and you think that I am the insecure one!

The Look, and how does that help you feel superior?

The Look, and how does that make us being a partnership work

The Look, may I take that as your opinion on our marriage?

The Look, now you have that out of your system maybe we could sit down and discuss this like adults