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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband being a Dick

115 replies

sik2deth · 23/08/2014 20:01

We went out for a meal and he spent the whole evening eyeing up the waitress everytime she walked past (you know - the old head turn, once up. once down, manouvere) x 20.
Once I could understand, but the whole evening?
Has he NO respect for me?
Understandably, we had an argument.
He is now stonewalling me.

I know there will be the usual advice- ''you should not be so jealous and you should be POINTING OUT attractive women to him'' contingent on here.
But, sorry, I am old fashioned.
I think that if youre with you're wife, you shouldnt be eyeing up other women?
Does that make me insecure and old-fashioned?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 23/08/2014 21:00

I wouldn't go to one with him in the first place, but if he started yes I'd leave!

wirezip · 23/08/2014 21:00

sik You are not BU at all. A subtle glance is fine but constantly openly staring and head-swivelling while with your partner is just creepy and rude.

If DH did this I'd tell him a couple of time in no uncertain terms that I didn't like it and if he continued to do it, just walk away, even if it means leaving a meal out. When you get the inevitable 'I'm just looking, what's wrong with you, are you insecure, that's your problem not mine', you shrug and tell him that you'd said it was fine for him to look at other women while you weren't right there so you were leaving him to it.

queenofwesteros · 23/08/2014 21:01

YANBU. And please don't fall for the "all men are wired like this and can't help themselves, the poor wee lambs". They're not and they can. I would NOT be putting up with this behaviour and would leave him in his seat the next time he does it. It's very disrespectful.

Original poster
sik2deth · 23/08/2014 21:02

I would love to get a man's point of view on this.

I know they will say 'Oh, but we can't help/control our instincts'.

But, I don't get that line of reasoning.

I mean, I sometimes feel like burping or farting in public, because lets face it - its instinctive, but I somehow manage (shock horror) to CURB/CONTROL IT. Why? Becasue I am a human being who has evolved and is able to CONTROL MY INSTINCTS.

I am not an animal that control control my instincts.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 23/08/2014 21:04

Yeah, they are not all like this.

Original poster
sik2deth · 23/08/2014 21:04

Once he is talking to me again (could be some time), I will state my concerns. (he won't listen though)

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 23/08/2014 21:06

The problem with you OP, is that you are lumping 'all men' into one category. They are not all like this. Some are, some aren't. You are with one who does. What you want to do about it is up to you.

Original poster
sik2deth · 23/08/2014 21:06

Yeah, they are not all like this.

Fairenuff you are right, I noticed the other men in the restaurant weren't doing this.
Just goes to show there are some good ones around.

OP posts:
Original poster
sik2deth · 23/08/2014 21:08

Just wish my husband was one of them.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 23/08/2014 21:08

Why are you with him if he won't listen to your concerns?

wirezip · 23/08/2014 21:09

No, they are not all like this. DH freely admits he has a look sometimes (which I couldn't care less about), but he has never and would never do it in front of me.

I can't believe he's not talking to you because you pulled him up on leching at other women in front of you. That's utterly pathetic behaviour.

Original poster
sik2deth · 23/08/2014 21:09

It's complicated.
If I challenge him, he seems to think I'm being jealous and insecure.
I'm the one with the problem. How do you deal with that?

OP posts:
Original poster
sik2deth · 23/08/2014 21:15

wirezip,
You are lucky.

OP posts:
Itsfab · 23/08/2014 21:17

Don't wait until he deigns to talk to you again. Tell him now. He is being a prick. His ears still work even if his heart doesn't.

You DO NOT have a problem because you don't like him looking at young women like they are a piece of meat.

It is so disrespectful to eye up anyone 20 fucking times never mind when he is with his WIFE.

Itsfab · 23/08/2014 21:21

I asked my husband as you requested.

He's in the shed now.

Prat.

Original poster
sik2deth · 23/08/2014 21:22

I would like some tips on how to respond to this, (if it happens again), but I dont want to make a scene.
(unrealistic I know)

OP posts:
boomoohoo · 23/08/2014 21:23

Sik, what an absolute cock he is, I'm sorry i know he is your husband, but that behaviour is completely unacceptably shitty. My ex FIL used to do this, blatantly infront of ex MIL and whoever else was around, just gawp at women /girls, and aside from the utter disrespect and disregard towards his wife, I thought he looked like a pathetic creepy saddo.

Not all men are like this, at all. Infact I'd go as far to say most wouldn't look more than once subtly if their partners were around. You deserve better.

Original poster
sik2deth · 23/08/2014 21:23

I feel relieved that I'm not the only one.
Other women have had this problem.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 23/08/2014 21:25

There is a HUGE difference to a discreet look (most me do this IME) and LEECHING.

CookieMonsterIsHot · 23/08/2014 21:25

Why don't you want to make a scene?

boomoohoo · 23/08/2014 21:26

What to do? If you don't want to challenge him as you know he won't listen, that is another sign he has no respect for you (and I'd say women in general) so perhaps the best thing to do would be to give him a taste of his own medicine; next time ur out make sure he sees you looking at other men

Original poster
sik2deth · 23/08/2014 21:29

He has done this throughout our marrige.
I have tried to explain - to no avail.
No I feel tired.

OP posts:
Original poster
sik2deth · 23/08/2014 21:29

Now I feel tired.

OP posts:
CoolCadbury · 23/08/2014 21:31

How long does he/can he do the silent treatment for?

Olddear · 23/08/2014 21:33

Bet the waitress WAS playing on it......so she could have a right laugh with her waitress mates about the old creep she had to serve! Why do you have to wait til he's speaking to you again to tell him what you think of him? You sound very downtrodden OP. I hope someone with better advice comes along to help you stand up for yourself! I'm not much help, I would have left him to his leching and walked out.