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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Oh God, just asked DH to leave

112 replies

saffronwblue · 15/07/2014 09:48

I got home from work to find dd (12) in floods of tears. He had unilaterally decided to rearrange the furniture in her room. She has ASD, can't bear lack of structure and sudden change. She told him to fuck off and he said he would slap her on the face if she spoke to him like that. When I heard this I asked him to leave. Said I did not want someone in the house who would say that to a child. I asked him to apologise to dd which he did and then he left with a bag to stay with a friend.
Feel shellshocked and heartbroken. Can we get back from this? Also his mother is dying at the moment so it is a mega stressful time for him.

OP posts:
ILoveTIFFANY · 15/07/2014 09:50

Why did he decide to rearrange the furniture?

AnyFucker · 15/07/2014 09:54

Is he her biological father

Tryharder · 15/07/2014 09:55

So your DD gets away with telling a grown up to fuck off? That language from a preteen is unacceptable and inexcusable.

Your DH's response was wrong but clearly he was very angry and justifiably so. And yet you him made him apologise like a toddler who's just belted another toddler at soft play?

So the end of your marriage is now the 'fault' of a 12 year old - and this is how your DD will see it.

You are acting in anger and in haste. You need to step back and think long and hard about this.

lemonfolly · 15/07/2014 09:56

If his mother is dying and it's impacting him, I'd cut some significant slack on how he reacted to your DD. whilst not acceptable, people aren't perfect, and under stress people can act very out of character. Is this recurring behaviour? Do you know why he was rearranging her furniture?

Hope you're ok OP

HumblePieMonster · 15/07/2014 09:56

I was wondering that, too.
Then, I wondered why it was ok for a bio dad to tell you to fuck off and not for a non-bio. Though tbh, first word out of line and any non-bio would be out through the door. So for me, there is a difference.

peggyundercrackers · 15/07/2014 09:57

sorry a 12yr old should not be speaking to an adult like that - I think you backed the wrong person.

AnyFucker · 15/07/2014 09:58

If he is bio dad I can see some merit in trying to work together to co parent effectively, as a united front

Not bio dad...off you fuck, sunshine

Original poster
saffronwblue · 15/07/2014 09:58

I told DD that it is not her fault, that he behaved badly and she has a right to be safe in her own home. Yes he is her biological father. She was beside herself with upset, he was insisting on moving the furniture because he had a new plan of how her room should be. She begged him to stop and he refused. I walked into all this on my return from work. It is evening where I live.
Am trying to stay calm and cook dinner and just feel so upset.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 15/07/2014 09:59

and by effectively that should have zero tolerance for threats of physical violence towards a child, no matter what they have done or said

NickiFury · 15/07/2014 09:59

The dd has ASD. Good luck with stopping her from swearing when she's stressed if her ASD leads to that particular kind of outburst.

I'd have told him to go too.

Original poster
saffronwblue · 15/07/2014 10:00

He said 'if you speak to me like that I will slap you across the face.' He is a big man. She is a young girl. Who should I be backing here?

OP posts:
NickiFury · 15/07/2014 10:01

Your dd. No question.

NickiFury · 15/07/2014 10:01

Would it be ok for him to say that to you if you or any other adult that told him to fuck off?

Purpleroxy · 15/07/2014 10:02

He just made a fuck up by rearranging and not preparing and consulting an autistic child. But presumably no malice involved. (My dc is autistic so I do understand what may have happened at this upheaval).

Then he got angry and threatened to slap 12yo because he was told to fuck off. Again, probably just the heat of the moment and presumably he hasn't slapped her.

If he is her father and generally does his best for her and loves her but just fucked up on this occasion, I think you are majorly overreacting.

If he is not her father and is having continual conflicts with her and is not supportive of her then you have done the right thing.

IrianofWay · 15/07/2014 10:03

I think apologies were needed on both sides.

But he needs to sort out his priorities re moving furniture in someone else's room. Why? Why even more at the risk of upsetting his DD.

Viviennemary · 15/07/2014 10:04

He made a threat which he didn't carry out. Your DD was extremely rude and he reacted but was not violent. Sorry can't see a huge problem here.

CoffeeTea103 · 15/07/2014 10:04

I think you have handled this badly. Your dd swearing him was very unacceptable. That language is horrible on a child. Did he do this maliciously to upset her? Probably not. But now that you've asked him to leave, you've let her know that she can treat her father however she likes.

HumblePieMonster · 15/07/2014 10:06

Seems mad to me, to move someone else's furniture. And offensive. My parents were weird but they never did that. I love moving furniture (though my new 'hobby' is throwing it away, the house is nearly empty) but I wouldn't move someone else's. He hasn't realised that daughter is a person in her own right?

Gen35 · 15/07/2014 10:06

Does he have any form for this behaviour? I assume not.
I'd tell him he stays away until he's sought help for managing his stress levels and understands why what he did was wrong, from start (re-arranging) to end (threatening to slap). I agree he's not coping and has taken it out on his family, which needs to stop but if there's no repeat history I'd give him a second chance.

Lovingfreedom · 15/07/2014 10:06

What???? So it's ok to threaten violence on a child as long as you don't carry it out?

CocktailQueen · 15/07/2014 10:07

Maybe he's so upset at this prospect of his mother dying that he's taking his mind off it by rearranging furniture?

He should have chosen something else to do, given your dd's ASD, but she should NOT get away with telling a parent to fuck off!!

And I don't think you should have reacted like that. Cut him some slack ffs. When things are calmer, have a chat about why he did it and why it wasn't a great idea - and obviously threatening violence is never good, but presumably he's under a great deal of stress? Your dd should apologise to him too.

Purpleroxy · 15/07/2014 10:07

In real life you will find thousands if not millions of parents who have threatened child with a slap. Whilst not ideal, it doesn't lead to divorce if it is rare and the child isn't physically assaulted. You seem to be holding your dh up to some unachievable gold standard of behaviour. We all make mistakes, he is under stress anyway.

Is your husband autistic? If he made a plan (for her room) and brushed aside any objections to singlemindedly continue with it?

AnyFucker · 15/07/2014 10:08

Does he find it difficult to accept her diagnosis. Does he deny it, not understand why she can't "snap out of it" ?

By your daughter's age of 12, rearranging furniture for no good reason seems a strange thing to make a point about, knowing what the likely effect on your dd would be

CoffeeTea103 · 15/07/2014 10:08

I missed the part about his mother dying, which I definitely think you handled badly. How do you ever think it's ok for a child to speak to a parent like that.

thewilding · 15/07/2014 10:09

He shouldn't have threatened to slap her. I agree with zero tolerance there. Does he have form for this kind of threat?

But also her behaviour and swearing at him was wrong.

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