Oh God, just asked DH to leave

[saffronwblue]

I got home from work to find dd (12) in floods of tears. He had unilaterally decided to rearrange the furniture in her room. She has ASD, can't bear lack of structure and sudden change. She told him to fuck off and he said he would slap her on the face if she spoke to him like that. When I heard this I asked him to leave. Said I did not want someone in the house who would say that to a child. I asked him to apologise to dd which he did and then he left with a bag to stay with a friend.
Feel shellshocked and heartbroken. Can we get back from this? Also his mother is dying at the moment so it is a mega stressful time for him.

[SolidGoldBrass]

So he repeatedly invades the DC's rooms and messes about with their belongings, refusing to stop despite their distress? I think you would be better off without him. It must be pretty frightening for the DC to know that their father can do what he likes with their belongings, without notice, at any time.

[settingsitting]

There are several points.

He was wrong for rearranging her furniture. At some point you need a long calm discussion with him about this. Surely he should know that that is a complete no no. And if he doesnt know, why doesnt he know?

His mother is dying. Mega stressful as you say. You need to cut him some slack.
But again, he should in no way be talking about hitting his daughter. Is this totally out of character for him, or has he done/thought/been like this before?


I cannot comment on a DD with ASD. I dont know enough about it, or about her.

He has apologised. And glad you have let him back. But at some point in the coming weeks, those talks need to be done.

[settingsitting]

Actually, I dont think anyone can comment on your DD, as none of us know about her to comment.

[OneDreamOnly]

SGB please see my post above.
if this man is also on the spectrum as the OP suspects, then it would explain the whys and why it wasn't malicious or out of carelessness.
Which doesn't mean that it should be accepted but means you should first try and explain and teach. And then leave if he refuses to listen.
But his reaction coming back home seem to tell the story of a man who us genuinely sorry. Not the one of a twat that just want to do whatever he likes.

[SolidGoldBrass]

Whether or not he is on the spectrum, he needs to learn to moderate his behaviour - or be made to leave. He's an adult. The needs of the DC take priority - which includes their need not to have their belongings messed with despite their obvious distress.

[saffronwblue]

Today's update. We had a surreal evening last night as DH's aunt, uncle and two cousins were suddenly in our city on business. They all went to the nursing home to see Mil then came back here for dinner where we were joined by SiL and her family. ( take-away as we were suddenly 12). So we had a lovely happy night with all the members of the extended inlaw family who I really care about. Am still feeling very cool and distant to DH but could see how comforted he and his sister were to spend time with caring relatives.

Today is my day off work and I am feeling wiped out. DH has arranged for us to go to see a counsellor tonight. This is the man he saw earlier this year, who agreed that he is probably on the spectrum. Slightly weird as we know him from DS's basketball team years ago but he is a really lovely guy. I am pleased DH has made the arrangements as it is what I asked him to do and he has a tendency to leave appointments to me. He asked for the appointment saying 'our marriage is in a crisis' so I feel I have got through to him how seriously I take this.

I am sure he is on the spectrum. This does not help me work out how to get through to him when he is causing distress to me or the DC. He just gets completely wrongheaded about things and becomes impenetrably defensive. Threatening violence is completely out of character, though. I still feel sick when I think about how distressed DD was.

[OwlCapone]

It all sounds very promising as he appears to be taking responsibility for having caused the problem.

Good luck!

[Clutterbugsmum]

I hope the counselling helps him understand how his behaviour impacts on all your family and especially your dd.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Glad he took the step of contacting the counsellor and arranging an urgent appointment.

He has the support of extended family in a crisis. Who do you have, saffron?

[saffronwblue]

Good question, donkeys!
We had a good session with the counsellor. He put our lives into the context of possible 4/4 of us being on the spectrum. DD has been formally diagnosed, we all believe DH is, DS has been described as on the edge and when I read about adult women with Aspergers I tick many of the boxes. He talked about how much extra parenting we have to do, particularly of DD. He asked me what one thing would improve everything for me and I said DH listening. DH again acknowleged that his behaviour on Tuesday was dreadful and said that he knew I would have to work through my anger. Counsellor thinks we are 'salvageable', which was my question.
We will see him again in a week or two. may not have mentioned that back in the basketball days I had a tiny crush on him, partly brought about by how completely lovely and patient he always was with his 4 dc, 2 of whom have ASD

[tribpot]

Has he put dd's room back to the way it was? I would be flat out appalled if DH did that to my ds' room, regardless of special needs.

[Thenapoleonofcrime]

I also immediately wondered if your husband was on the spectrum because that type of rigidity (I must get on with this job of rearranging the furniture to make it better in there) with disregard or unawareness of the consequences emotionally for others would fit with this completely. Your counsellor sounds very sensible.

I have certainly threatened to slap my children before now, finding it vastly preferable to actually slapping them. Extreme defiance (even if completely justified) such as saying 'fuck off' might make me say this in the heat of the moment. I would be very sorry and not mean to, but that's what the heat of the moment is.

Not ideal, but in a loving family these things can be worked through. Even better it sounds like it has triggered you to really tackle this for the longer-term. I hope it works out for you.

[rootypig]

Sounds like you like and trust the counsellor (crush aside ) which is great. Am so glad you (singular) have found a way forward, however tentative. I hope it leads to long term changes that improve your family life.

[saffronwblue]

I'm a bit stunned and embarrassed that I am back in the grip of the crush on the counsellor. I had forgotten how I was always happily offering to take DS to under 12 D grade training because I loved sitting next to 'alex's dad'. I think he has really high emotional intelligence and massive maturity and calm and kindness around his children and those are the qualities I am thirsting for in DH. So I am drawn in like a moth to a flame. I really like his wife too so possibly just have a crush on their whole family.
Anyway we have another appointment next week and he intends to mediate between me and Dh on specific issues. He specialises in dealing with adults with ASD and the impact on their families/marriages so I think we are in good hands. Sigh.

[OneDreamOnly]

That is fantastic! It can be so hard to find a counsellor that specialise in ASD/AS and this guy seems to both know his subject and have some hands in experience.

Tbh if your DH is on the spectrum, I think that it's normal for you to crave the emotional intelligence that he is bringing. I know I am.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

I'm glad he's competent though of all the counsellors where you live pity it's someone you fancy are drawn to!

[saffronwblue]

Big talk with DH today. He had been talking to DS and I was in another room and thought I heard voices raised. I came racing in worried that he was heading for another outburst. It was in fact an amicable discussion between them and DH thinks I undermined him by showing lack of trust. I said that he has to win my trust back. That makes him feel like I am being controlling and he is on parole. I said tough, well if you did not threaten violence to dd then we would not be in this situation. My feelings are a consequence of his actions.
I think we agreed that he needs to understand that I am still legitimately reacting to what happened and that he would like me to show some confidence in him around the dc. I am about to go away overnight as my mother is not well so will see how they all go tonight.
Was thinking again about the crush. For the first time in my sensible life I can see why people crazily run off with other people. I can see that I am completely projecting my unmet needs onto this unsuspecting man. I found our session very affirming and endorsing. He talked a lot about parenting ASD children and described it as always being 150% effort. He gave as an example how our children are the ones who don't have a friend to walk to school with so you end up doing extra driving etc. He really made the point that there are very many accommodations and extra tasks and thinking going on that increase exponentially with each family member with ASD. I had never thought that there was a reason apart from my incompetence that I often find family life hard.
Lots to think about.

[saffronwblue]

I also realised at 3.30 this morning that I am like the mother in The Slap (including living in the same city) who I did not think much of as a character.

[Clutterbugsmum]

He talked a lot about parenting ASD children and described it as always being 150% effort. Yes your children have extra needs so yes you will both have do extra to help/parent them in a safe way. Although it sounds like this falls mainly on your shoulders, rather then his.

He gave as an example how our children are the ones who don't have a friend to walk to school with so you end up doing extra driving etc But how does that affect him if you are driving your children to school, surely he understand that ASD means that your children can have difficulty in making friends.

[dramajustfollowsme]

Saffron, I am glad you are beginning to sort through your feelings. Sometimes we are so busy just getting on with things it is only when we step back we can see the reality. I often have "lightbulb" moments and wonder why I didn't think of it before.
You absolutely were legitimate in your response to hearing "raised voices" you are bound to be on edge. It will take time to build the trust again.

[OneDreamOnly]

I am amazed at how you are both reacting. Such a mature way to deal with issues and one that you rarely see (Let alone on MN)

Your reaction yo raise voices is normal. I do the same thing with DH 3 years on but he us also right that you will have to learn to step back and let him deal with things. Partly because you need to trust him, partly because he needs to learn how to deal with his anger and he will never to that if you are always there. And partly because your dcs need their dad to be invvrd too. He might not react always 'the best way' (DH certainly doesn't and raises his voice much too quickly to my liking) but you need to leave him getting on with it. Esp as he us clearly very keen on doing his best.
And YY to the fact that parenting dcs with AS has it's own challenges. Just as living with a partner with AS.

Maybe on the top on the counselling, you might want to think about ways to recharge your own batteries. I'm thinking that if you are also on the spectrum, dealing with these situations, one, possibly two children on the spectrum and a DH also with AS, then it will be putting a lot of strain on you. Do you have any time to rind down, time on your own doing your own things, time with no noise?

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Back track a bit there saffron. Only saw part of tv series and haven't read the book can you help me out which mum did you mean (not Rosie..?).

[saffronwblue]

( I fear I am like Rosie).
We have had a week of everything. I dashed to another city an hour's flight away to spend 24 hours with my mother who had a sudden injury. MiL still drifting along. DH and I both have had very demanding work weeks. DD had appalling meltdown the other night. DS was in a very goady mood the other night after a late sleepover and dH did manage not to rise to himk. So we have both had snappy moments but we are both trying.
I intend to say to the lovely counsellor tomorrow that I think I have 3 options.

1. Separate, which will bring massive grief and trauma to everyone but may in the long run end up with a calmer household.
2. Just accept that DH can't or won't change and continue to rub along Ok with occasional blow-ups.
3. Find some magic strategies to get through to DH which is what we are seeing the counsellor for.

4 run away to Paris with the counsellor

[OneDreamOnly]

My DH is on the spectrum too. I found that the oy way to carry on wo blowing the family up was to do a mix of 2 and 3.
A bit if accepting he is never going to change and a bit of changing the really really important things.
My DH also seems to be like yours on that he really wants to do his best for the family and that makes a huge difference too. He might not alwYs get it right but he is trying and a lot of things have changed.

I also found that stressful situations such as his mum being unwell and other 'outside' stresses are making everything worse. DH tends to struggle more to control some of his reactions (eg think before changing the whole bedroom of a child with ASD) than he round when more relaxed.

[saffronwblue]

We seem to be doing a lot of snipping and sniping this evening. Feels all a bit hard tonight.