Oh God, just asked DH to leave

[saffronwblue]

I got home from work to find dd (12) in floods of tears. He had unilaterally decided to rearrange the furniture in her room. She has ASD, can't bear lack of structure and sudden change. She told him to fuck off and he said he would slap her on the face if she spoke to him like that. When I heard this I asked him to leave. Said I did not want someone in the house who would say that to a child. I asked him to apologise to dd which he did and then he left with a bag to stay with a friend.
Feel shellshocked and heartbroken. Can we get back from this? Also his mother is dying at the moment so it is a mega stressful time for him.

[OneDreamOnly]

((Hugs))

I imagine it will be hard for both of you for a bit. You because you don't feel you can your guard down and will be looking at everything he does.
Him because he wants to do it right and knows he is under close scrutiny.

Your coucellor sounds lovely and very helpful. I would lean on him to find solutions with your DH. And also remember that some of the changes you want to see are huge. They will take time.
Remember too that your DH will always be your dcs father regardless of whether you are still married or not.

[saffronwblue]

Just came back from a good and confronting session with the counsellor. He tackled the issue of money which is a long running issue between us. DH likes to borrow and spend and I like to consult, save and have a budget. I have not been happy for years with the way we manage our money.
Counsellor made us look at how much we earn, how much goes out and how much in debt we are. Wrote it all on a whiteboard. It was very uncomfortable and a bit scarey but I think it helped DH see that we are heading towards a cliff. He has given us some homework to make a plan for the next 2 years.
I talked about the 3 options and DH said that he has always felt so rock solid about me that he has only just realised that I really mean it that separation is an option. I think he is getting a wake up call.
Counsellor is lovely - did I mention that?

[rootypig]

Counsellor does sound lovely. And very good. Is he taking dates new clients?!

[saffronwblue]

What I can't decide in my day to day marriage, is DH really irritating or am I really irritable ?

It is so hard to move beyond all my accumulated resentments.

[Purpleknickers]

Hmmmm that is a tricky question Saff do you feel perhaps you expect to be irritated by DH so your hackles go on the defensive? I always try to imagine what life would be like without the person that is annoying me better or worse? Would I miss them? It's a six million dollar question and only you can really decide

[dramajustfollowsme]

Hope he is getting a wake up call.
It is probably a bit of both, re irritating or irritable. Not easy at all.
I like the spreadsheet and idea of making a plan. If you get a plan together, will dh be able to stick to it?

[OneDreamOnly]

saffron it's probably a mix of both tbh.
When things are getting so tense they you end up close to breaking point, it's hard to have any flexibility at all and remember they it's ok to let done things slide.
And then he is also likely to do things that ARE irritating too. This is after all the very reason why you are so upset atm. And being on alert, you are also likely to notice every little thing.

What I found helped a lot is to spend time looking after myself, time to relax, time to rest. And changing my own attitude/reaction. Not with the idea that I needed to change for him it to save my marriage or whatever. But for me to learn to react better, be less irritable (aggressive?), changing for myself and for the dcs (I found that around that time I was also quite snappy with the dcs too which wasn't good anyway).
In turn, being less irritable left more space for DH to feel he was doing some good (because he was) and that his efforts to change were worth doing.

Hope it makes sense!

[saffronwblue]

Thanks onedream, that is helpful. I do get very hard and unforgiving around him. Today he did everything we had agreed to do- arrived home from his --junket- conference at 2 pm and sat down together to look at our total debt and how we can budget. We were both trying to be constructive.
He just can't step back with DC and see the bigger picture. At the moment DS is being very rude and surly. I don't like it but I can see that he is totally wound up about his year 11 and 12 subject choice for school which is due next week. DH can't see that - he just reacts to the behaviour.

[OneDreamOnly]

I'm finding DH, as much as he tries, rarely sees the big picture so that's the sort if things he us going to miss. I'm not sure it's right but I've accepted this is an area he tries very hard but with little success. I tend to guide a bit when I think he is really too harsh and point that dc1 is stressed by x and y. But that's clearly going against his deep beliefs that children should behave 'regardless' (tbh he isn't wrong when it means dc2 who is also investigated for AS, is starting to fly off the handle for example)

My attitude is that we both have some strengths and weaknesses. For us, DH strengths are on the practical level. So I am leaving that to him (eg he had taught the dcs to tidy/Hoover their rooms much better than I would ever do it myself!). And I take all the emotional support on, the fighting to get dc2 support etc because he is rubbish at it

[HorizontalRunningOnly]

Hang on - ur asd daughter had an understandable meltdown, ur also asd husband who is dealing with his mothers imminent death caused meltdown and then had one himself by threatening her - for this, he has now been asked to apologise and leave and dd just carries on? Sorry but if they are both on autistic spectrum it sounds like his grief has triggered this and maybe cut him a huge bit of slack and everyone calm down and apologise??!

[OneDreamOnly]

horizon in her posts, the OP is also mentioning that there is a high probability that all the family meets are actually on the spectrum, not just the dd and DH.
So just as hard as the situation is atm for her DH, I'm sure you can imagine that it will also very hard for the OP to deal with a DH that is in some ways 'loosing the plot'. And tbh even if the OP is a fantastically empathic NT person, I'm sure that living with a dd with ASD and a DH with ASD can't be an easy life either.

Besides seeing the issues that they are tackling first (budgeting money!) the issues are running much deeper than her DH loosing it once with her dd. that's just whatever call the last straw that broke the camel back.

[saffronwblue]

Another interesting session. I came home feeling a bit despairing that we have such different ideas about our DC. DH has this weird idea that they are somehow obliged to please him and sort of owe him and also that if they say something dumb or inaccurate then it is his job to point it out to them. I don't see that at all - I think it is our job to build their confidence with unconditional love and to guide them in their thinking rather than lecture them.
Counsellor remains lovely but crush is abating, thankfully.