Oh God, just asked DH to leave

[saffronwblue]

I got home from work to find dd (12) in floods of tears. He had unilaterally decided to rearrange the furniture in her room. She has ASD, can't bear lack of structure and sudden change. She told him to fuck off and he said he would slap her on the face if she spoke to him like that. When I heard this I asked him to leave. Said I did not want someone in the house who would say that to a child. I asked him to apologise to dd which he did and then he left with a bag to stay with a friend.
Feel shellshocked and heartbroken. Can we get back from this? Also his mother is dying at the moment so it is a mega stressful time for him.

He was in the wrong and you called him on it. Good for you. However, he is probably under loads of stress at the minute. My DH was awful to live with for a couple of weeks after his father died. He told me to fuck off which is really out of character for him, so I would try to talk it through.

I think he was cruel to try and change her room. She needs familiarity and structure and her room is her room. She told him to fuck off (I know it's not on) because he stressed her out.

I would have done the same as her mother.

It does seem strange that he would have so little understanding of/regard for your DD's condition that he would just re-arrange her room. My kids are not ASD but I'd have the decency to consult them before intruding on their bedrooms.

I don't understand why he thought it was ok to rearrange her room in the first place. See how things are in the morning OP.

Why on earth should dd be made to apologise? He charged into her room, her space and unilaterally started moving it around, changing everything. I'd like to see how you adults without ASD would deal with someone doing that, refusing to listen to you and then threatening to slap you in the face when you finally lost it and swore at them. He should be the one apologising and only then follow it up with the "and you really shouldn't use that kind of language". No doubt she would apologise at that point anyway, most kids would.

She's 12 and she has ASD. I have a 7 year old dd with ASD who attacks me and threatens when things go wrong. I don't take it personally and focus on that, because she can't help it.

My children both have autism and my youngest also has adhd. I understand completely how distressing moving her furniture about etc would have been for your daughter. When something happens that my youngest is unable to cope with, he swears, or lashes out or throws himself to the floor or puts his hands round his throat and tries to strangle himself. He is not responsible for these things in the way that people who do not understand autism think that he must be. He does them because that is the nature of his disability. Your daughter is no different.

I understand that you aren't dealing with an NT child. It is a different world and your daughter cannot be blamed for things that are as a result of her disability. But for the nature of her disability, would she be utterly distressed by change? No. But for the nature of her disability, would she be enraged? No.

Should a man - who knows he is dealing with a child who due to her disability is unable to handle change and is unable to respond in socially acceptable ways and who may externalise her distress - just decide to walk into her room and shift things about, knowing that is a trigger for her? And then, having created that situation and got a response that while in another child would be totally outrageous, in a child with ASD could reasonably have been predicted to happen, threaten her with violence?

Makes no more sense than threatening to slap a blind child for tripping over a box you left in the middle of the room. People can't HELP being autistic. They don't choose to display autistic behaviours and it shows a staggering lack of understanding of the condition to think that an autistic child in a state of distress can manage their behaviour in an nt socially acceptable way.

He is in the wrong.

Why did he just decide to go and do that anyway? When he knows he is dealing with a child who would be massively distressed by it and would be unable to cope?

Obviously as part of supporting her, you need to and I am sure you do, talk about the importance of behaving appropriately and I am sure you will have the conversation that happens here a lot about how unacceptable it is to swear but for crying out loud, he should have known better.

Is he on the autistic spectrum, or do you suspect it? Just wondering because it seems a peculiar thing to do, to just up and rearrange the room of someone he knows will have trouble processing it.

I am with you OP.

He is a grown man and should control himself.

Threatening with physical violence to a young defenceless girl.

Its HER room, she should have it how she likes it - my DD would blow her top if I rearranged her room to my standards.

She has ASD and being 12, is the one who needs to be given a bit of leeway.

I guess he has a history of this kind of behaviour for you to ask him to leave.

Re-arranging my 11yr-old's room in that way (no discussion or preparation for the change) would have led to a full meltdown (ASD). Under the circumstances a "fuck off" would have been a sign of remarkable self-restraint. It's the equivalent of coming home to find that someone has been in your house and taken it upon themselves to rearrange all your furniture and re-decorate.

Me either - even for a child of that age without ASD most parents wouldn't think it was ok to just rearrange their room without consultation. Sounds like obsessive behaviour on his part and a bad coping behaviour.

Not that people who have ASD are 'peculiar' btw, just thinking that it may explain his focus on the room layout to the exclusion of everything else, ie your DD's distress.

But no excuse for threatening violence to a child, ever.

The swearing came while she was in a major meltdown. He is a bit ASD himself and has form for not respecting the DC and overriding them when they are imploring him not to do something. It is too boring to explain but he dismantled DD's bed and moved another one in there and moved stuff around without telling her. Adding considerably to her stress levels.
I feel dreadful that his mother is dying and I have now thrown him out. But he is so hard to get through to - the DC are always saying 'why doesn't dad listen to me?'

I think the break to cool down on both sides is a good idea. I do think you can get back from it though as he appears to have apologised and left without making a fuss.

So your DD gets away with telling a grown up to fuck off? That language from a preteen is unacceptable and inexcusable.

DS1 (15) swore at me last week. I remained calm and banned him from the XBox for a week. I did not threaten him with violence because that would be wrong.

What do I do now? I feel sick and sad.

What the fuck was he doing moving her furniture? I'm sorry but he instigated this fuck up by doing something so stupid. How could he have not known how impossible she would find this? And how many people have been sworn at by teenagers - do you all threaten to slap their faces?
He was entirely at fault here.

My dad used to do this, it was one of his many pathetic ways of asserting control. I think your DH was way way way out of order even without the ASD - with it, it's also cruel.

Many people go through the stressful death of a parent and it is hard, but there's no reason on earth he had to do this. What's wrong with rearranging other bits of the house that aren't someone else's personal space!?

She said fuck off and should apologise for that, but she was severely provoked and he has much much more apologising to do.

Can't the three of you all sit down and talk about this. Your DH should admit he shouldn't have changed the room or threatened your DD. Your DD should admit she should not have been rude. That is if you all want to stay together. If not then that's a different thing altogether.

I am with Hecate all the way.
The dd is disabled and he knows what it means to her. Surely he could have guessed that she would react like this?

I do think though that the fact his mother is dying should be taken into account.
Let things settle for a day or two. Then gave a chat with him when he is calmer. See what his reaction is.
Just as much as I think his reaction isn't ok by any means, I also think that under huge stress, people can do stupid things too.
How is he normally with your dd? Ok with the ASD? Able to deal with it?

I have just done a search on your past posts - it does sound like he has form for belittling and bullying the DC so we cannot blame his dying Mother for this behaviour.

I think some space would be good for everyone concerned - it can't be a healthy atmosphere for you or your DC

Viviennemary do you have the first clue about ASC?

I'd suggest take a bit of time to calm down and then have a think about what you want, as well as thinking about when's the best time to have a serious conversation with him.

When you say his mum is dying, do you mean she is in her last days, in hospital/hospice/cared for at home?

Maybe it would be best to consider leaving things for now and not trying to have any conversations about the future while he is going through this with his mum? Perhaps just say that it might be best to have a few days of reflection and for him to focus on his mum and stay with his friend and then deal with this later?

What would be your ideal outcome? Maybe start from identifying what you would like to happen now and then thinking about how or if that's possible?

I think it sounds like everyone in your household has had enough of Dad riding roughshod over everyone else and this is long overdue.

It sounds like you did the right thing. At first I thought it wasn't handled well, but I don't see how you could have acted otherwise.

Definitely some space needed. I hope your dd is ok now.

MiL is in a nursing home and having palliative care. She has alzheimers which has been a huge source of strain on the family and now has cancer which is not being treated.
He just texted ' I love you all and am very sorry'.

Well that's a start .

Tbh I have two dc with ASD and I often get it wrong. Sometimes I know I am getting in the wrong in the way I am dealing with something but just don't know how to turn back iyswim?

I would use this as an opening to discussing the fact that other people matter in the household too. Do you want him back? Would he take that on board? Or is this just an apology to get back in?