Oh God, just asked DH to leave

[saffronwblue]

I got home from work to find dd (12) in floods of tears. He had unilaterally decided to rearrange the furniture in her room. She has ASD, can't bear lack of structure and sudden change. She told him to fuck off and he said he would slap her on the face if she spoke to him like that. When I heard this I asked him to leave. Said I did not want someone in the house who would say that to a child. I asked him to apologise to dd which he did and then he left with a bag to stay with a friend.
Feel shellshocked and heartbroken. Can we get back from this? Also his mother is dying at the moment so it is a mega stressful time for him.

[mellicauli]

Things got out of control. You all behaved badly. You all need to apologise to each other and move on.

It's interesting you said he is a bit ASD himself as that's what I thought when you said about moving the furniture. No doubt he can keep it under wraps better when he is not under such stress

It seems wrong that your DD gets special consideration for her condition but he gets none?

[MissScatterbrain]

Re the text - remember actions speak louder than words. What is he doing to show that he is sorry and that he will change?

[rootypig]

You were right to ask him to leave, and to support your DD - it's awful to speak that way to a child who is NT, let alone ASD, and I think really important for her and other DC to see that you will stand up and protect them. Good for you. I would explain to DD what you did and why.

But we all lose it as parents, and it sounds as though your DH is under the most appalling pressure. I find it interesting that this kicked off over furniture rearranging, which is a fantastically tangible thing to do, a reordering of the environment, exerting his will on the space but also people in his orbit. That to me speaks of him feeling overwhelmed and anxious, and not in control - of what is happening in his life, or his reaction to it -

Does that sound like it might be right?

It's when people are at their worst that they need our help the most. I would arrange to see him this evening in a calm, relaxed place - quiet corner of local pub - and make it clear that his behaviour is not acceptable and threats or acts of violence mustn't happen again - but also to ask him what he thinks is going on here, how he's feeling, what he's struggling with, and whether there are simple changes you can make or coping mechanisms you can devise together to get through this. It may be in 6 months or two years or whatever it becomes apparent to you that things aren't changing and you don't want to stay. But now (MIL illness) is not the time to be making big decisions about your marriage.

[OneDreamOnly]

YY about people who are at their worst needing out support the most support.

You aren't saying anything about how he normally acts so assuming this was ONE incident.
On that basis, I would take his text as a real try to mend the bridge. I would talk to him calmly and hear his side if things. Not really about the incident but about how he feels re his mum etc... He might need support from his GP (depression and stress quite often make you react in a non rational way and fin things you regret)

Hope things will settle down for all if you.

[jessiemummy28]

I can't believe people are saying it's ok to threaten violence to a 12 year old as long as it wasn't carried out as it was in 'the heat of the moment'. If I told my DH to fuck off, I would later accept I was in the wrong and apologise, but if he threatened to slap me in the face I would ask him to leave. And I'm not a vulnerable 12 year old girl with ASD.

[saffronwblue]

mellicauli dd gets special consideration for her condition because she is a child and he is the parent.
He is quick to lose his temper but has never before threatened or mentioned violence. I have told the dc that we will be ok either if we are together or not and that I know they love him. I love him too am just so angry at him.
I don't think, despite the team of people that work with Dd- psychologist, psychiatrist and school counsellor- that he has enough insight into her condition and how we need to support her and not bring her mental anguish.
Thank you all for your really helpful comments. I feel so shaky and sad.

[basgetti]

You aren't saying anything about how he normally acts so assuming this was ONE incident.

The OP has posted on this thread that he has form for this behaviour. I think you did exactly the right thing OP, your children need to see that you will protect them and threatening violence is never acceptable.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

This was covered previously but he knows Aspergers adults can go from 0 to 100 in anger very fast. He needs to go back and relearn strategies to not get to that point.

How is DD?

It was unfortunate he picked DD's room on which to expend energy and work out his upset and helplessness at his mother's decline. He didn't strike DD but warned her about swearing at him. He upped and went when you told him to go.

Under stress even NT people cast around for scapegoats, and make no allowances for the junior household members.

His DM is dying so yes cut some slack. In ordinary circumstances he'd know what he was doing would trigger DD's anxiety and draw you into it.

Space from each other is the safest option tonight. Text back and set up a time to meet and talk tomorrow.

[rootypig]

OP what are you doing today? You need to take care of yourself too. Are you working / taking care of DC? Or can you take yourself for an hour - or more - to do something to clear your head - walk in a green place, swim, whatever it is you do.

[dramajustfollowsme]

Oh Saffron,I am sorry that you are having problems again with relations between your DCs and their dad.
I think you did the right thing. The kids have a right to feel safe and secure in their own home.
You told him to leave. You have not said this is permanent. He needs to deal with his upset in a different way. Your dd is already upset and confused about her gran without this. He is adding to problems.
He has apologised which is progress.
I think you and your dh need to talk. This isn't an isolated incident. Is your Ds back home yet?
Take care.

[Purpleknickers]

saffron sorry to read this, absolutely you did the right thing by protecting your DD. Your DH was not thinking rationally rearranging her room without prior warning and it is after all her room not his, a teenagers space is of paramount priority. Yes she was rude but she was provoked.

I think the fact that his DM is dying is not helping matters. Let the dust settle and see how you feel tomorrow there were faults on both sides here. I hope you are ok

[HavantGuard]

Have you been able to put her bed back together again?

[Deverethemuzzler]

My son is autistic.
No way is he allowed to swear at me or his dad

You OH didn't hit her. He threatened her and who is to say he would have done anything like hit her? He is under a great deal of stress atm. His mother is dying.

I do not understand why you would take the line you have.

The moving her room about is a bit weird but his mother is dying. People do weird things when they are facing a massive loss like that.

Of course he shouldn't have said he was going to slap her but she shouldn't have told her dad to fuck off.

[Deverethemuzzler]

I didn't know there was a background to this.

[CaptChaos]

DD gets special consideration because she is a child and presumably hasn't learned the coping strategies her DF has when coping with, what to an autistic child, could look and feel abusive. Why would someone just arbitrarily do that to a child with ASD? Surely, if he is on the spectrum himself, he would understand how horrible this would be for his daughter?

He shouldn't have rearranged her room without preparing her and getting her input.

He shouldn't have shouted at her and threatened her.

She shouldn't have sworn.

What are you going to do OP? I understand why you snapped and sent him packing, but how are you going to come back from this as a family?

[Jengnr]

Why did he start rearranging her room in the first place?

Disability aside this is weird. I don't think anybody would like that.

[saffronwblue]

Well late last night he rang the doorbell and asked to come back. We had a long talk outside the house and then I let him back in. I kept stressing how seriously I take it and he kept saying he can see that. have asked him to org anise counseling. I was brisk and distant getting kids off to school and me to work this morning. I feel very sad and wrung out.
He has a real blind spot where he makes unilateral decisions about the house / furniture etc without consulting anyone and is then stunned when people are upset.
I am amazed that people here think an upset child swearing is of equal weight to an adult threatening violence.

[HumblePieMonster]

I am amazed that people here think an upset child swearing is of equal weight to an adult threatening violence
Quite.

[AnyFucker]

It isn't

[OneDreamOnly]

saffron you mentioned at some point that your DH might have some ASD traits.
This could explain why he is taking unilateral decisions like this. Counselling is a great idea but again if he us in some ways on the spectrum it might not be that efficient.

Do you think there is a possibility he is on the ASD/as spectrum? Would he be happy to have an assessment done?
I'm not saying that if he was, then he shouldn't be asked nit to threatened his dd etc more that if this is the case , you might be able to find a more efficient way to get to him.
He really sound sorry about what he did.
I know my DH, who is also on the spectrum, would be like this. Asking inappropriate things to the dcs, age/capability wise, then get upset if it doesn't happen as he thinks it should. And then blow up. We are just 'lucky' that his outbursts are 'silent' so no threats or swearing etc but still very unsettling for both myself and the dcs.
He would also be extremely sorry if he had acted like a prat and us always very critical of people acting like this, not realising he us doing the same

[Greenrememberedhills]

I think all three of you behaved badly.

[Purpleknickers]

greenremberedhills helpful?

[thestamp]

I am amazed that people here think an upset child swearing is of equal weight to an adult threatening violence

I wish there was a "like" button for this statement

[NorksAreMesssy]

Swearing is NOTHING, NOTHING at all compared t deliberately upsetting a child's mental equilibrium and threatening violence.