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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

engaged..but found my dp has been messaging a woman on fb for months

154 replies

holstenlips · 16/09/2013 14:37

Im so hurt but dont know if im overreacting. I had a hunch unexplainably about this woman. I made dp give me his phone after a row and he had text her the last time that morning to tell her he had a hard on. Im dying inside. He says he never meant any of it.
We were happy I thought
He started it with her. I got all the messages back 3 months. Most are pretty mundane but he has been sexual in some and they have both said they had naughty thoughts. He ends his texts " love you lots lovely "

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Original poster
holstenlips · 16/09/2013 14:38

I have been ill with depression for a while but never withheld sexually.
He says he was low and needed an ego boost. He is begging for forgiveness.

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Original poster
holstenlips · 16/09/2013 14:40

He would never had shown me unless I had forced him would he? He says he feels relieved its over.
Sorry just garbling.

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Fragglewump · 16/09/2013 14:41

Omg you have had a lucky escape! Leave him...before you end up married to a tosspot who thinks emotional affairs are fine! This is your chance to find real happiness- don't ignore this or let him persuade you it's nothing. Being married and raising a family is tough enough but almost impossible if your partners thoughts are elsewhere! Run away run away!

Discoverymade · 16/09/2013 14:42

Hi. I know how you feel. I made an interesting discovery about my OH a few days ago too (a whole different thread). You know what to do. You had a gut feeling that something wasn't right and your gut will now tell you what to do. And please don't ignore it.
Ask yourself if you can ever trust him again even if he promises this would never happen again.

Hawkmoth · 16/09/2013 14:42

So sorry OP. Do you think anything else has gone on? Do you feel he's told you everything?

Original poster
holstenlips · 16/09/2013 14:43

How could he does this. The last message was saturday he says its not sexually a come on telling her he had a hard on when he woke up. I think it was because what response was he expecting from her?

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Original poster
holstenlips · 16/09/2013 14:45

I have asked for all the messages and asked for complete truth. He did this but I could see he had obviously doctored them. He admitted doing this. I messsged her and she said sorry and that they hadnt met up.

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LoisPuddingLane · 16/09/2013 14:46

Of course it is.

Original poster
holstenlips · 16/09/2013 14:46

I will never trust him again no. I feel he has done this before.

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Original poster
holstenlips · 16/09/2013 14:47

It kills me reading the messages but I cant stop.

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Discoverymade · 16/09/2013 14:48

I don't know why anyone could do this. Best thing to do now is to think what you want to do next. You will never know why he did it and frankly...who cares. I know you are probably in shock now but believe me, it really is a lucky escape. You're not married yet and there is nothing stopping you from looking for your happiness elsewhere, with someone who deserves you.

Sparkleandshine · 16/09/2013 14:48

I would stop reading them - and run like the wind....

He's a cheater and you don't want to be tied to him....

MadAboutHotChoc · 16/09/2013 14:49

Even if nothing physical happened, its still cheating and this is what we would call an emotional affair although it has sexual elements. He has put time and energy into another woman outside the relationship.

As for blaming yourself, remember that he chose to do these things instead of talking to you, suggesting counselling etc.

Original poster
holstenlips · 16/09/2013 14:51

I feel hes begging me to stay because he is scared of the truth coming out. His image will be tarnished. He has killed me and I was just getting back on track and returning to work after major depression.

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whitsernam · 16/09/2013 14:53

What Sparkleandshine said ^^
and Sad but be sooo sooo glad you got out now! This could have gotten so much worse - just read some of the other threads here!
Brew and Thanks for you

Original poster
holstenlips · 16/09/2013 14:53

My kids and his will be devastated

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alarkaspree · 16/09/2013 14:54

You're not overreacting. Do NOT let him tell you you're overreacting. Trust yourself and your instincts, not his minimising nonsense - 'Not sexually a come on' is ridiculous and you know it, it doesn't matter if he admits it or not.

I wouldn't marry him.

I'm really sorry. You must be devastated. Take care of yourself, do what you need to do for yourself, if your fiance is upset it's not your problem.

Original poster
holstenlips · 16/09/2013 14:56

Yesterday he went on fb and put a status declaring to the world that he was sorry to everyone he had ever hurt or insulted. But he wont let me tell anyone. He got all these replies saying oh what a great guy you are. Noone knows what hes done. Ive deactivated my fb as it makes me sick.

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Original poster
holstenlips · 16/09/2013 14:59

Some of the lines he used with her are things he had said to me "I had a really sexy dream about you last night"

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Original poster
holstenlips · 16/09/2013 15:02

He just lies all the time. He says he never meant any of it. So why say it? Why fish around for sexual comments from her?

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Sparkleandshine · 16/09/2013 15:09

You need time and space to sort this out in your head. I would be asking him to move out for a few weeks (or you depending on circumstances).

You also need to tell a trusted friend. Discuss this with someone IRL.

He has at minimum been having an EA with this woman, and maybe they've met. You are never going to know for sure.... so get yourself some STD tests as well just in case.

Miniph · 16/09/2013 15:11

Tell people, tell who ever you want to so you can get some rl support. It's not up to him.

Boosterseat · 16/09/2013 15:15

But he wont let me tell anyone

Shout from the fucking rooftops! How dare he bully you into keeping his sad little secret.

He posted that comment for the "compliments" - obviously he needs the ego boost Hmm Its a way of him trying to justify how much of a great guy he is usually, only a slip up love I just needed my ego and dick stroking.

Livid on your behalf.

Dahlen · 16/09/2013 15:17

holsten - I'm sorry, you must be reeling. Sad What a horrible betrayal of trust.

The FB message about hurting people is horribly manipulative, as is not allowing you to talk to people. He lies and he has cheated. As for saying sending a text about his erection wasn't sexual, words fail me.

If it's like this now, before you're married and at a time when you're vulnerable, you really need to reconsider your future. Living with a man who you are afraid is going to run off with another woman every time you get a bit low is only going to make your MH even worse.

What situation are you in? Do you live together? Do you have DC? Do you have family who can support you?

Original poster
holstenlips · 16/09/2013 15:21

I have no support . Im a lone parent. We dont live together although he stays here a lot to save himself money and responsibility. My family are miles away and not that great. I do have friends.

My kids are 19 at uni and 6 with me.

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