engaged..but found my dp has been messaging a woman on fb for months

[holstenlips]

Im so hurt but dont know if im overreacting. I had a hunch unexplainably about this woman. I made dp give me his phone after a row and he had text her the last time that morning to tell her he had a hard on. Im dying inside. He says he never meant any of it.
We were happy I thought
He started it with her. I got all the messages back 3 months. Most are pretty mundane but he has been sexual in some and they have both said they had naughty thoughts. He ends his texts " love you lots lovely "

Hi, I caught my dh doing this a couple of years ago. Apologies followed etc etc. this year he started it again and actually had a full blown physical affair from it. It is a small step to turn it from emotional to physical.

Although it is heartbreaking, I think as you are not yet married or have children you should break free from him now. In my experience they will be tempted to do it again.

Do not marry him. You would never be able to trust him. How hurtful to say love you lots lovely let alone that he has a hard on!

How do you know nothing physical happened?

Sorry thx for all the messages been seeing to the kids. I asked the woman to stop messaging him on the day I found out and she said it was just flirting by fb messages.

He has just text me to say he will die without me and that his blood sugar levels are 25 he is diabetic. I know this is just a guilt trip. I looked after him night and day when he was in hospital recently and he was messaging her then I have the messages. I hate him right now and ive not replied to his texts.

I want to humiliate him as he has me. Want to tell everyone on fb following his crappy status about being a let down in his life.

Im meeting his parents tomorrow for lunch. Not with him. Shall I tell them.

Bollocks you can't just have a count of 25 because you've been caught out.

Seriously OP this dude is a wanker. Don't bother talking to anyone unless its a solicitor and bin him.

Just checked his fb and hes asking for the sympathy vote as he has no money (because I feed and look after him usually) hes turning into a total shit

You want to keep hold of this useless fucker ?

Why ?

Wow, a cocklodger as well? You have had one lucky escape here!

Yes, I think I would tell his parents, if you like them and want to explain why the relationship is over. Why should he be able to spin whatever bullshit tale he likes?

Not sure about FB, it depends whether you can cope with the storm of messages that will follow (mostly supportive, I should think, but there's always a wanker or two in the pile). But definitely tell any family and friends you want to, including any mutual ones. This is about you now and what's best for your peace of mind, not him.

Stay off the FB. No good will come of it. Don't lower yourself to his level. Keep your dignity. The people that care about you won't be swayed by his ridiculous sob story.

If he threatens suicide, lets his blood sugars go off the scale...call the police on him. They will give him very short shrift for wasting the emergency services time. He's an attention seeking prick.

I had a problem with depression when I was living with my ex husband. The moment he left the depression lifted. Miracle cure eh? I really think that the depression was my body and my mind telling me that everything was wrong. Once you get past this shock, I think you'll find that your depression has gone too.

Forgetting the emotional affair for a moment, this man really doesn't sound like a catch at all. He sounds like an adolescent on Facebook all the time. I would be very tempted to post just one thing where you laugh out loud at what he says about being depressed and unhappy.

Yes tell his parents you are not with him at the moment and tell them why.

Why on earth do you want this man? Ugh ugh at him emotionally vomiting his life over fb. You actually want a skint, cheating , cock lodger? If so - keep texting him.

If not - leave immediately

Im going to tell his parents the bare bones of it tomorrow. Im just not one to hide stuff. It makes me anxious and I could do without it.

He is such a stupid baby.

Are you going to carry on mothering him ?

No AF. I hate his guts. :'(

Good.

Glad to hear your anger, holstenlips.

Skip the divorce. (And that may be a good response to anyone who asks.)

Suicide threat? Tell him to do it outside and to not make too much of a mess. (I also agree with calling emergency services on him if he says it again.)

I hope you and your Dd can have a delicious pizza and watch a funny movie together very soon.

I am so hurt. I cant understand how a man who said to me on the same day that he loved me completely was messaging someone else the same and about his cock.It kills me. I will never trust again.

Please understand his behavior is not an assessment of you, or even an assessment of his opinion of you (I doubt he has one). He is a liar and you have been used. His sole focus is on himself and he uses words to manipulate women ...for sex, or dinner, or housing, or childcare, etc.

He is a con artist. You were victimized. Yes that does hurt...but I hope you can organize your thoughts and feelings into dealing with him as just an administrative chore akin to scraping shit off the bottom of your shoe.

Consider protecting your accounts against identity theft and as previously mentioned a STD check is probably indicated. I would not believe anything?he has ever told you, especially the claim that it never got physical with her, or the one before her, or the one before her etc etc etc.

Sorry you are going through this.

Until I saw those messages on Saturday we were madly in love. We had just had a great lunch with my family. He eye rolled at me a couple of times as I looked over his shoulder at his phone. Then that was it.

He doesn't live with you, you are not married, so you re free to end the relationship with him.
I am sorry for your heartbreak, and you must still be in shock.

Holsten, it is very hurtful. It is very hurtful to discover that SOME PEOPLE can mouth words - in order to make sure they get stuff out of life and manipulate people into giving to them..

That, for them, they are just words. Words to get them an easy life AND ego strokes. Words to play with people, and use them.

Please SEE what your hurt and anger is telling you! Please look at all the clues you give here:

He told you he loved you whilst he was telling someone else he loved them.
He used EXACTLY THE SAME lines.
He uses you for room and board - so HE can save money and responsibilities
He is now screaming about being sick/dying to guilt you back into your box.

Holsten? RUN. You have had a lucky escape from a selfish, babyish, using whining cocklodger.
Tell everyone what he has done.

Really, really know that his behaviour is no reflection of you, but a statement about who he really is. He doesn't love! He can't love. He doesn't know how because he is still a 5 year old inside. Me, me me me me.

The only thing you need to do, is look back and see what red flags you decided to ignore, and fix your filter system. Nobody is ever going to take you for a ride again, are they?

Do you know the red flags: Did he

1. declare that he fancied/loved you really quickly?
2. try to move in quickly (yes)
3. is he fine about taking but not giving (yes)
4. has he explained well (taking responsibility) for why previous relationships haven't worked out, showing insight in to what HE did wrong?

He doesn't love you, he has been using you through nice words. You and your children are worth more than this, being on your own isn't hell!

I think you have had a lucky escape, many people do not find these things out until years into a marriage. At least you know now.

This is just as bad as physical cheating IMO but only you know how you feel about it.

There has been a lot of talk lately about posters on MN saying LTB for everything and anything but in this situtation it truly applies.

So sorry you are going through this.

I told his Mum today