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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Too good to leave, too bad to stay, support group. Anyone?

180 replies

Salbertina · 26/08/2013 19:00

Not necessarily looking for advice, just a little handholding from any others in a similar situation.
Not even read said book but the gist of it sums up where i am right now! Anyone??

OP posts:
Babylonmoo · 17/09/2013 08:19

I'm very sad to read about some of your situations. Happily I'm not in this position myself -I think I read the thread to see how I can avoid it developing. We just recently had a baby and I said to my DH that we now had to stay together forever but be happy together and stop any rot in its tracks. My parents got divorced when i was very young and I am determined for that not happen to my children. However divorce is not the worst thing for children. As parents you have the biggest influence on your children's lives. They will learn a lot about relationships from seeing your relationship. Where these are loveless at best or abusive at worst this is a terrible example to set your children. While knowing this doesn't change the financial, practical and geographical problems a lot of you face, don't use the children as a reason to stay - you are doing them no favours in the long term. Good luck to all of you.

Overtiredmum · 17/09/2013 08:28

Congrats on the baby Babylon. I admire your determination to avoid any problems in your relationship, although I'm sure we would all have hoped to avoid the same too. No-one can predict life and circumstances. Xx

Babylonmoo · 17/09/2013 08:49

Sorry if I sounded smug- I genuinely didn't mean to or imply that anyone is to blame etc. my point was that I have two very strong slightly conflicting feelings since having the baby- one is no divorce and the second is not staying together solely for the kids. Not easy.

fromparistoberlin · 17/09/2013 09:06

KINGROLLO

i am sorry, look i just want to say that as painful as it is, he has given you a big fucking GREEN CARD to LTB

seriously, how much more misery can you take? Many people stay because their partner/life etc makes it nigh on impossible to leave

I wish you every luck, and I can imagine how shit you feel

but trust me, IN THE LONG RUN THIS IS FOR THE BEST

you deserve better, and you will find better!

to quote: He never thinks about me, doesn't bother about me, doesn't take care of me or make sure I'm ok unless I'm literally in tears in front of him.

FUCK THAT for a game of tennis

sweetie, this is shit. But him having an affair has actually done you a favour as now you have to finish, and given your sentance above....its eating at your and dragging you down

good luck, sending some happy karma your way XXXX

Overtiredmum · 17/09/2013 09:25

Babylon I didn't mean to imply you that. I genuinely admire your determination and there is no reason to believe your marriage won't be a long and happy one.

I'm like you, although my parents never divorced, they separated on many occasions so I fully understand your point about staying together for the sake of the DCs. It taught me many lessons and has made my mother very bitter now, to the point that she has completely rejected me. My DC have experienced first hand my unhappiness over the last year or so, so I want them to see if you are unhappy with something, change it, never make do.

IntheCorner · 17/09/2013 10:17

Littlecrystal, I'm interested in your approach as I have considered doing the same. Things have been pretty bad for a few weeks now (but with some nice times here and there). But I think I would have to stifle/change so much of myself if I followed your approach that I would be unhappy.

I've been coping with feeling this way to a greater or lesser extent for 9 years or so, found various coping strategies, and been ok on the whole. Now youngest is almost at school leaving age, I have to seriously consider whether a split would be easier, in a couple of years' time.

Right now, we can't afford to run two households, we like where we live, we are happy with the school.

And yes, I'd like to know how people manage to read the book? Or are your Hs so uninterested in you that you can read it while he sits staring at the TV?

Sorry, I'm rambling. This thread is both helpful and very sad indeed. I can't share with anyone in real life - they appear to either be really happy in their relationships, or have their own problems.

Ivedunnit · 17/09/2013 10:37

To Fellow posters can you tell me was it ever good or did you make it right ? As mosarela said and I agree it was never right but I made it right!
I am angry with myself for getting myself in to this situation worse so now DS is involved also. But I have to make a choice for him and for me. I don't want him to grow believing that what he sees at home with regards to relationships is correct.
DH put an offer infor a house today but it was refused. 3 weeks I ago I was 'happily' married. I am sad that he will not go for counselling, but I guess that is a big flag for me.

Notmyidea · 17/09/2013 12:42

Ivedunnit, for me it's parenthood that has changed me beyond all recognition. I now need a level of affirmation, support and forgiveness from him that he's not willing or able to give and that I could never have imagined as a bright young thing. I've read a fair few self help books over the years, (counselling feels like an unaffordable extravagance that would add to our burdens) but he's just not willing to put in any effort or talk with me. I was very close to leaving him before ds was conceived. I had been had been back at work after my older two for a few years, building some financial independence from him and rediscovering my self esteem. I even wonder if he did some condom-tampering which resulted in ds to put us/me back to where we were. I love ds very dearly and wouldn't change him for the world but another baby wasn't what I'd been planning for this stage of my life.

BranchingOut · 17/09/2013 13:05

I sometimes really wonder whether divorce is the answer in the longer term, especially when you take the problems of old-age into consideration.

We recently saw a friend who separated from her first husband a few years back, who is now splitting up with her second partner. Her situation is not good from a financial or a practical point of view (3 children) and it does give me pause for thought....

Ivedunnit · 17/09/2013 14:46

For me it is I made it right from the start rightly or wrongly! I look back and see how many situations which I should have reacted differently.
I am unsure if I really didn't know DH or didn't accept that I knew full well and was trying to kid myself.
Took the papers to the bank today for the equity release. I should know next week if I can afford it or not.

Original poster
Salbertina · 17/09/2013 15:12

Wry Smile at thought of all of us reading the book blatantly in front of our better other halves. Or under the covers at night?! Not even read the whole thing - read a kindle sample which was useful (and nice and covert) , just lurk a lot on these types of threads Hmm and seen it often recommended.

OP posts:
Original poster
Salbertina · 17/09/2013 16:08

Branching- just been reflecting on your post. Wonder what Gransnet feedback would be? Lessons to learn from our elders and all that.

OP posts:
fromparistoberlin · 17/09/2013 16:14

my solutuon so far (with the help of my therapist) has been to try and stop hating him. Its been suprisingly helpful! hissing "you fucking arsehole" cunt under my breath at every interaction has not been great, not suprisingly.

NOW, I am not saying I will put up with shitty behaviour

but me being contrantly fuming, angry, resentful, , when deep down I love him, was a mess

I dont know, but this thread is helpful. as for a long time I have found that the knee jerk LTB reactions whilst well meant, are not always practical

butterballs9 · 17/09/2013 16:40

I started a separate thread before seeing this one. I am in the 'too good to leave' camp. There is nothing wrong with my husband. But I realize that I no longer want the constraints of marriage. But I can't bear the thought of divorce - financially it would be crippling and there would be massive disapproval from family. Our children are nearly grown up so that is not so much of an issue (although it would still be an issue, obviously!) When I look around at my friends, my marriage is in better shape than many so there must be an awful lot of people out there who do feel 'stuck' in their marriages.

BranchingOut · 17/09/2013 16:40

I often wonder at the perspectives of people who are quick to say LTB very quickly. Have they done so themselves, or are they in the first 5 years of a relationship where everything seems good? I might one day start a thread and ask for the perspectives of people who have been in a relationship for 15 - 20 years: just what is realistic for life within a long relationship?

butterballs9 · 17/09/2013 16:57

Divorce is not necessarily a great option. One of my friend's divorced her emotionally abusive husband and he continues to make her life a misery. She actually thinks she would have been better off staying married to him as he is now so bitter about the divorce and is determined to 'punish' her. It's a horrible situation.

gottachangethename1 · 17/09/2013 19:01

I could have written a lot of these posts myself. My husband is verbally and emotionally abusive. I left him a few years ago but my self worth was so low that I took him back.
I'm going to see a counsellor and hope this gives me the strength to leave him once and for all. I live my life walking I egg shells and like metoo22 I am made to feel responsible for his entire life because he moved here two decades ago to be here with me.
Think this thread is the right place for me- sadly.

KingRollo · 17/09/2013 19:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MisguidedAngel · 17/09/2013 20:34

I've just read this whole thread and feel very sad for you all, and I can relate to a lot of it. I was married for 27 years and it was never very good from the start - but he was a good man. We were both young and my self-esteem was so low I thought I was lucky that anyone wanted me. These days, we would have lived together and found out it wasn't working - back then in the 60's it wasn't like that.

I wasn't happy (crap sex life and no emotional connection) but I escaped by putting all my energies into the children, and later on into my work. He left me - he'd been having an affair and she pressured him into leaving. At first I was so shocked, angry and scared. I'd never lived on my own and didn't think I could cope. But within weeks I felt a huge weight lifting from my shoulders. Both DD said they weren't surprised. Then he wanted to come back and I said no. I've never regretted it, he has.

But I was lucky - both DD had left home, there was enough money for me to have a small but lovely house of my own and I was earning enough to support myself. Many of you are not in that position. I should have had the courage to leave - I respect those of you who do. So many of us (women) seem to feel that our needs are less important than any one else's. Now my mantra is 'me first, you a close second'.

Not much help to those of you who are going through it - but I have been sincerely touched by your stories and I want to send you all my good wishes for the future.

Ivedunnit · 17/09/2013 22:05

kingrollo I was ready to go last July and I stayed to put some money behind me and to put the utility bills in joint names. Previously they were all in mine.
You are doing the right thing step by step!

Thiswasntsupposedhappen · 17/09/2013 22:33

Hello ladies please may I pull up a chair?

Found out 18 months ago my husband had been visiting massage parlours for 12 months. He went about every 2-3 months for a massage and a happy ending. I can't even believe I am writing it. Even still.

Two beautiful children. We are in out 30'a . He has said it was his way of coping with stress and work. And he wanted to be pampered. Something he didnt get from me ( with two young children at the time.)

He says he regrets it terribly, but it doesn't erase what he has done. I gave up a successful career for our children. I am now retraining in a new area to get a job asap.
He still says he regrets it all, he was selfish. But I can't f

Thiswasntsupposedhappen · 17/09/2013 22:34

Hello ladies please may I pull up a chair?

Found out 18 months ago my husband had been visiting massage parlours for 12 months. He went about every 2-3 months for a massage and a happy ending. I can't even believe I am writing it. Even still.

Two beautiful children. We are in out 30'a . He has said it was his way of coping with stress and work. And he wanted to be pampered. Something he didnt get from me ( with two young children at the time.)

He says he regrets it terribly, but it doesn't erase what he has done. I gave up a successful career for our children. I am now retraining in a new area to get a job asap.
He still says he regrets it all, he was selfish. But I can't forget what he's done. It repulses when I think about what he's done.

Iam making a money pot for the children and I. What worries me is being

Thiswasntsupposedhappen · 17/09/2013 22:35

Hard up and struggling.....

Sorry to post again my laptop was playing up x

KingRollo · 18/09/2013 02:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fromparistoberlin · 18/09/2013 08:20

I think for everyone, at some stage there is a tipping point

where we say fuck this, I cant go on

kingrollo has reached it!

many of us have not yet. I was chatting with a friend about our last mega row last night, and it was not comfortable to hear what I was saying

aiaiaiaiaia!!!! noone said it was easy this life business