Too good to leave, too bad to stay, support group. Anyone?

[Salbertina]

Not necessarily looking for advice, just a little handholding from any others in a similar situation.
Not even read said book but the gist of it sums up where i am right now! Anyone??

[atosilis]

then I think, "Oh it'll sort itself out".

By 'it', I meant our relationship - not the whole leaving saga

[kickassangel]

.

[Salbertina]

Thats great babyseal, sounds hardgoing for you but glad you're happier. Like a couple of others overseas on hete, i don't currently have those options - cant work, no benefits, cant take kids to UK without permission. Sigh.

[babyseal]

Salbertina that does sound tough

[TrippleBerryFairy]

atosilis i sometimes think the same, if only i could fix myself (which in a way im doing by seeing therapist because i am aware i am very sensitive to rejection and feeling invisible), if only i could accept that this is my 'lot' and become immune to him looking at porn, not helping around the house and could just be fucking happy with the good bits (which i am when we are in a good phase) then all be fine.

But for whatever reason i cannot do that. I don't seem to be able to suppress the rage that i get when shitty bits stare me in the face. This rage (and desperation and powerlessness that goes with it) are physically affecting me, i become unable to sleep properly and recently i started on occassions 'feeling' my heart, nothing major just dull niggling in chest. Surely continuing like this long term is bound to make me ill?...

It is beyond me how he can ignore all of the above, he burries head in the sand- 'if i dont see it it will go away'. Is that what you do to a person you supposedly love?...
:(

[TrippleBerryFairy]

I thought you might find this thread... I dont feel i have the energy to start my own thread and it would take too long to put all on here but maybe if i make some sort of decision i will start it. It is more likely though that i will remain quiet as we make up until we hit the next low, it's too good to leave and leaving is scary in so many ways after all :(

[jogalong]

Can i join your gang.
My dh is controlling and i just feel so low that I'll never have the courage to do anything about it.
I guess coming from a family background where my dad controlled my mum. And she's still with him and still miserable. So i don't really have any other experiences. This is what iv known all my life.
So for now I'll plod on and hopefully one day courage will come from somewhere.
Are there people that are in really happy marriages. Is this not the norm?? Iv never been happy in life so i think they're is not much hope for me no matter what i do.
Sorry for being so miserable

[jogalong]

Can i join your gang.
My dh is controlling and i just feel so low that I'll never have the courage to do anything about it.
I guess coming from a family background where my dad controlled my mum. And she's still with him and still miserable. So i don't really have any other experiences. This is what iv known all my life.
So for now I'll plod on and hopefully one day courage will come from somewhere.
Are there people that are in really happy marriages. Is this not the norm?? Iv never been happy in life so i think they're is not much hope for me no matter what i do.
Sorry for being so miserable

[marriednotdead]

The feeling of powerlessness is what keeps us in that shitty place, living in hope that he will finally wake up and treat us properly. Except that he's not sleeping, WE are

I'm on the edge of taking some kind of control of my own destiny. The thought of spending the next decade and beyond like I have the last one is beyond me. I'm terrified of the future but anything has to be better than the present.

[chirpingbird]

My dh and I have not made love for 16 years. He walked out on me when I wad 36 weeks pregnant and returned 2 weeks later.THings were not bad for a couple of years but he said he did not love me and did not think he ever had
Dr2 was diagnosed with severe autism at age 3 and we agreed to stick together and as the years have passed we are more and more trapped as Dr is now 20 and neither could cop we without the others help
We get on fine most of the timeliness much as we are a team but no physical affection from him not even a cuddle.I still love him.

[kickassangel]

Chirping, we are very similar. We get on pretty well as friends, but not so much as a hug. Dd is ADHD and we are thousands of miles from family so it is just a lot easier to live together. At least now I have a job, so could be independent if I wanted to be.

He says he doesn't love me and I have no desire to be with him as anything other than a co parent.

I would love to live close to each other, share the parenting, even go on holidays together,but not be married.but how do you go from being stuck to that?

My heart goes out to you with a ds who needs extra help as well.

[Salbertina]

Kick, can you afford the setup you describe or is something else trapping you?
Chirping, sounds v cruel, he could have left you free to be with someone who DID love you all these years! But then am a total hypocrite as don't fancy dh, never much did, think i love him but platonically. I met him on the rebound from a longterm guy i was CRAZY for. he knew all about this. i married him as he was a decent guy and i was scared, heartbroken and had given up on idea of marrying for love. Am a cruel coward myself but ironically I'm far more trapped than he is currently! My comeuppance, hey?!

[Overtiredmum]

My worst time of the week - weekends

[Salbertina]

Oh me too, Over! Dread it. Feel guilty for dc but just cannot be around dh right now too toxic, relentless and depressing!

[grounddown]

Well I've told my P today that I don't want this (again) and along with the usual 'but you will ruin the kids lives' he said he will make my life a living hell. I did try to explain that that means he would make the kids lives hell too but he wouldn't accept that. He has also been reading my texts and has discovered that my parents have kindly offered to release some equity from their house to buy a house for me and the kids and is making out like they hate him and they are taking his family away from him. I just don't know what to do.

I guess I should leave the thread because it is no longer too good to stay!

[Overtiredmum]

Don't leave us Grounddown, we are here for you! It's just a natural reaction, the stuff he is saying, my H said the same. What do you want to do now?

I feel guilt too at not wanting to be here, they sense how tense I am around him. He just questioned me what "our" wages go on again, because I refuse to buy him a football shirt out of the joint account?!

[Overtiredmum]

One thing my relate counsellor said to me and it's something to keep in mind. My choice to separate from H was through nobodies fault. But he is hurting, and therefore he wants to make me hurt, without realising that I am already hurt and grieving for the end of the relationship, so basically I am getting double the hurt - does that make sense?

When there is no apparent reason for leaving the relationship, it is confusing I guess. My H refuses to see he has done anything wrong.

[kickassangel]

What you are both going through is what makes me stay. I just can't cope with going through the process, no matter how much I want to come out the other end. I spend my life fantasizing about having a small place of my own. I also dread what the fallout from family would be, it could be the end of my relationship with both sets of parents. It would leave dd and I so alone.

Also, which country would I live in? I think I would want UK but dh would stay in US, so even more on our own.

And dd hates any change. It took her a year to adjust to moving here. This would be awful for her. She would want to stay in the US and dh has to give us permission to leave.

We have enough money to set up 2 comfortable homes, and I earn enough to support me and dd, and we live somewhere that would quickly put an attachment on earnings. It would be relatively easy to set up my own small home around here.

So why aren't I doing it?

[Redspottedhanky]

Long time lurker here but,as this thread is particularly relevant,hope you don't mind me joining.
Have been married for over thirty years and have wanted to leave for such a long time but have never had the courage. As I'm getting older this feeling has become stronger. I constantly dream about my own place - where it would be,how I would decorate it etc, but I know it will come to nothing. I know why I stay with my husband - I feel both responsible and sorry for him - he has no-one else apart from our ds who is in her early twenties.
I have seen a counsellor who has told me to go with my gut feeling and that I am well aware what I should do. Still I dawdle - thinking everything will turn out ok without me doing anything about it.
Sorry for the rant !

[WhiteandGreen]

groundown My Ex told me he would make me regret leaving. In the end he didn't act all horrid cos he realised it would be futile. Not saying yours will see sense, but it is possible.

[metoo22]

Hi Redspotted you are another who feels responsible and sorry for husband/partner, like so many of us. I think this is what I really need to work on myself - they are adults as we are, they should be responsible for their own lives. I feel that my h relies on me for his 'happiness' (actually he's not happy either) and it's not fair. 'If you loved me and would have sex with me I would be happy, it's simple'. The pressure is too much. I don't know what I think will happen to my h if I do end it - but depression or excessive alcohol and 'giving up' are possible. But maybe I underestimate him?

[Overtiredmum]

It's all gone quiet on here - hope everyone is ok.

I survived the weekend, always feel such relief on Monday morning - how sad is that?! Xx

[marriednotdead]

I'm here. Totally agree about weekends. Sundays used to be our family day as I often work Saturdays, but lately it's a farce. DH often refuses to eat with us at the last minute over some trivial gripe that he's blown out of all proportion- he did it again yesterday

I wish he'd just go. Got about the same chance of winning the lottery.

Hope everyone else has made it through unscathed

[metoo22]

Hi I'm here too. I have been re reading bits of the book. H is away, and I have been enjoying time with dcs a lot, but also feeling sick and worried at thought of the talk that I think needs to be had when he gets back. And will be back at work myself this week which is going to be hard too.
Another question from the book: Do you and h have a pleasurable activity that you look forward to doing together? Not that you have to actually do it a lot but you share the prospect and the planning and the anticipation. That is one thing we no longer have and I think I was made to feel it was petty to worry about it, but I think its basic.