Too good to leave, too bad to stay, support group. Anyone?

[Salbertina]

Not necessarily looking for advice, just a little handholding from any others in a similar situation.
Not even read said book but the gist of it sums up where i am right now! Anyone??

[OvertiredandConfused]

Just had an interesting weekend. MiL been with us since Wednesday - helping with childcare as we both work full-time - so some challenges although I am fond of her and we get on okay in smaller doses! DH has been as grumpy as ever - just the same with his mum as with me and DC so, in a strange way, does make me feel better in the sense that I don't think it's personal.

DS made a comment that when he's asked to put his clothes away is the worst part of his day. This led to a conversation about the worst part of everyone's day. DH stunned me by saying - seriously, not sarcastically - that for him it's when he and I go our separate ways part way through our commute each morning. He was quite shocked and hurt when I found that hard to believe. Hopefully, that's given him some food for thought.....

[metoo22]

OTandconfused it sounds like you are feeling some hope there? Have you thought about relationship counselling? Maybe the 2 of you could talk better to someone else? Reading your previous post you don't sound quite so far down the road as some?

[OvertiredandConfused]

Thanks meetoo. I don't think we are too far down the road. I just know it's more than the normal ups and downs and want to do something about it while we can - because following this path isn't an option for me.

He won't do RELATE type counselling but he was quite supportive of me seeing a counsellor when I was hugely stressed about work two or three years ago. Think I need to find something for us both that feels more like that to him.

[Overtiredmum]

My H tried to "invite" himself along to my relate sessions, only because I wouldn't discuss what was discussed! I've only had 2 sessions so far but it really helped to have someone neutral to talk to, who didn't judge me and who wouldn't say "why would you not want to stay together, he's so nice"?!

I agree with the having something you do together that you both enjoy - that's something we never did. That's something I will bear in mind in years to come if someone else ever comes along

I realised quite a lot this weekend. I didn't stop all weekend, trying to keep house tidy, get kids sorted for school this week. He seems to have taken the attitude that he doesn't need to do anything round the house. He was supposed to go out for a few beers yesterday, but because I wouldn't pay for it and cos I wouldn't 't do his ironing, he decided to stay home and watch football all day, I'm just so bored of it now xx

[Salbertina]

Well not a good weekend. At all. Getting intolerable but still feel stuck. What to do? Not easy, is it?

[JuicyShops]

I am so glad this is not just me

[Overtiredmum]

Do you want to talk about it Salbertina? x

[lovemenot]

Am reading the book this thread is named after. And gaining clarity.

Not sure where it's gonna end up though, but it's not looking good :-(

[tessa6]

good for you, lovemenot. What questions have you come a cropper with?

[SunshineSuperNova]

Another shit evening, I know it has to end. I've moved into the spare room.

I've been looking at accommodation and I can't face moving out just yet - I need to get my head round things.

to everyone xxx

[lovemenot]

Tessa6, offthetable-itis is a biggie. He ended joint counseling and has since refused to talk about it. He is making some effort since but it's really only a peacekeeping effort, with no major substance. Pretty much as superficial as most of our relationship is. No intimacy either - he decided he was ending our sex life due to it's sporadic nature. No discussion on how to improve it, just a decision he made on his own and didn't share with me. By the time I figured it out, I didn't care.

[tessa6]

oh so sorry, to sunshine and to lovemenot.

Sounds horrible. thinking of you.

[tessa6]

oh so sorry, to sunshine and to lovemenot.

Sounds horrible. thinking of you.

[NotOneThingbutAnother]

Hello everyone, had no idea this was where we were all hanging out and although I'm sad to see so many people here, I am relieved as I thought it was just me. 3 things keep me here: firstly, we need to get real about money/benefits. If we split up and sold, we would realise only around £30k each. That would not be enough to get anywhere else to live, so I'd have to rent, and that £30k would mean no benefits and I'm self employed so one month I earn nothing next month I earn £600 and so on. So that would mess things up as well - not enough to live on, but too much to claim benefits. And he doesn't earn enough to support himself if we had two houses, let alone us. Its only by pooling resources that it all works out (just).

Secondly, I've spoken on here before about us staying together as we have long term health problems and there is a certain amount of mutual caring - the first night apart I'd probably have some sort of incident meaning I'd have to ring him and ask for help (no family).

Third and final, but most important (I think) - I reckon he would lose the plot. I read something in a newspaper about men who flip because their wife, children and home is a sort of trophy that defines who they are, it gives them respectability at work etc, its all they have (true in his case). Even if he didn't flip I would be constantly scared of him turning up screaming and crying and worried about the effect on the children of seeing him like that.

We've been married 25 years (silver wedding next month thank god there's no party etc ) - I fantasise about being able to leave but I wouldn't want another relationship and we're in our 50s so what's the point? I get on and do as much on my own/with children as I can, he sits indoors and nurses his phobias and delusions.

I suppose the worse thing is my Mum was like this too, and she died when she was a couple of years older than I am now. I can look back and see how awful it was for her, and how I then couldn't manage relationships as a result, and feel sick to think that my DDs might make the same mistakes yet again like some bizarre time warp.

[NotOneThingbutAnother]

Little bump to see if anyone who was on thread would like to update?

[mcmooncup]

I love the phrase "emotionally clean".
That is what you get when you leave these shit marriages.
Money can't buy that

[Ivedunnit]

Ok I have been lurking for too long!
My Dh is EA and also a functioning alcoholic. He is a good Dad we have a DS between us and a DSD of 24 who lives with her Mum in another country.
I have lived with many years of EA from when he comes home drunk and tries to pick a fight each and every time blaming me , or DS.
Then having suffered post natal depression that is thrown at me as being a psycho.
He has with held intimacy for many years with the excuse that he didn't want me to get pregnant......
Currently we have been intimate perhaps 4 times this year.
He works shift a mix of days and nights and thus there are only about 1 day in 7 it would be deemed acceptable to him to have sex. As he either has to get up for work at 5 or he is drunk and arguing.
Financially i can do it and up unitl this week I just didn't have the guts.
We live outside the Uk with no family support. But when my DH asked me this week if we were going to split I answered honestly that maybe it is for the best to have two happy parents than two unhappy.
I just can't do it anymore. I am back on the Anti d's and this is a direct result of living with him.
Enough is enough I hope my change in user name says it all.
I have been to the bank and they will give me enough to buy him out.
I have told him this week that it is either counselling or out and he says he doesn't need counselling as I am the one who is wrong in the head.
So we are meeting tonight for dinner to try and talk civilly about how we move forward.
He wants DS 50% which I agree as long as the drinking goes. I believe whilst he is a good father this is motivated by the need not to pay maintenance.

I am married 13 years already divorced once.

I just feel I have been trying to make things right for so long and that is just not possible anymore.

[elmerelephant]

I too am in this sad situation,my DH has been having EA's for years, I am now up to number 10 that I know of. I have no words of wisdom sadly , every time its sooo hard, but my son needs another year of stability to complete his exams, so I can put off any final decision till next August. Ive been amassing a running away fund, and you never know this time next year I may be off, yeah right.............

[Overtiredmum]

Feeling totally sick at the thought of working days. I've worked evenings for 8 years and I didn't have the DC then, so all new territory to me.

The house sale is going through, waiting to exchange, at which point I can find somewhere to rent, but I really need to try and do that in the space of the next 3 weeks, starting my new job, I won't be able to get time off during the week to complete and move. If I can't rent somewhere before I have to move, it will probably mean I will have to find six months rent in advance, as I will be on three months' probation for my new job. I will have the money, once I complete, but its not ideal timing. So everything is really dependant on stuff happening next week, I just feel sick with worry

I can't find anywhere I like the look of, and if I need to go the route of renting somewhere once I've completed and started my new job, what do I do? Clear the house, store it with the removals, stay in a hotel or with friends for the week, and then move into the new rented house on the saturday? Is that do-able?

Any advice gratefully received. I am feeling quite low and lonely tonight, am terrified of the future, but it has to be better than what I have at the moment. I am still getting the occasional "I'm not babysitting the DC so you can work!". I have had no contact at all with dear parents for a few weeks now, although I know they are still in contact with H.

Some days I get texts saying I love you no matter what, the next day he;ll be completely normal and chatty and almost friendly, and like tonight, hes all said and depressed. I still feel guilt but I am just getting exhausted with it now.

Our wages still go into the joint account, I contribute quite a bit more, but am struggling to get to the end of the month. I found out he has been stashing quite considerable sums of money from gambling on websites and other stuff, which makes me sick to the stomach. Its not about the money for me, its about the fact that they all still feel I should sit tight and make the marriage work - when will they understand there is no marriage. I get constantly accused of having affairs with any man I even dare have a conversation with

My life is on the up, I just still very stuck with no way out at the moment. Anyone offer me a shoulder?

OTM

[Notmyidea]

Have a shoulder OTM, you're a braver lady than I am. Just look back at all the posters here who are out the other side, they say it's worth it.

I'm so glad to have found this thread as I do not dare complain about my marriage in real life, except in frequent rows with the husband. Somehow complaining about the lack of healthy relationship makes me sound and feel like a spoiled brat.

[Ivedunnit]

So we had dinner last night to discuss DS and the split of everything. I lasted 30 minutes before I walked out. You can only listen to how it is all your fault so many times.
MY DH need serious help but can't see it at all.
He came home and apologised for upsetting me in the restaraunt but has never apologised for the verbal abuse.
DS knows as DH took him with him to view a house today . WTAF. Not the way I had planned for DS to find out. I then was told from my BF that DS is telling everyon that it will be grand as they are getting a dog. ARGHHH!
He told me this morning that he does not want to end the relationship - why would he ???
But is not prepared to go for help either together or himself. That takes me back to status quo.
I feel sick this morning at the what seems unsurmountable tasks ahead of getting organised and out of this hell hole.

[mrsibley]

I am on the verge of leaving my relationship but am very scared of the financial implications, amongst many other factors. I have no job and am financially dependant on dp. What would I be entitled to? I have 2 dcs aged 3 and 6 months. I know nothing about the benefit or tax credits system.

Has anyone in a similar position looked into this?

[Salbertina]

Clocking in. Nothing to report. Plus ca change.

Sorry there are so many of us but thank God for MN.

Not sure about financial stuff bit think you can check online. Am in similar sit except overseas and stuck! and probanly snyitled to bugger all. Certainly here anyway

[harassedmotherof3]

My husband is also EA and functioning alcoholic. He won't leave, so think my only option would be solicitors letter and file for divorce if he won't co-operate with separation agreement. Such a final move, and it would be hell living with him while it goes through. He's been rude to all my friends and family, so if I want to see them I have to do it myself.

[therewearethen]

This couldn't have popped up at a better time for me. DP is moving out at the end of the month (I told him it was over, again) but I'm in 2 minds if its for the best

He's my best friend, together years, 2 kids, no DV or EA that I can tell but not been happy with certain things which I brush under the carpet but every few months I think I'm better off on my own

There was no fight at all from DP this time or last come to think of it which means he doesn't want me doesn't it?