Hello... I posted about a year ago (love but not in love with DH) and whilst I am not at all in my ideal situation, hopefully I might help someone find some clarity or ideas..
Like many my DH is kind, etc. long story short I think we have just grown into different people but lack of sexual chemistry was a main factor.
It's very hard trying to have support and understanding from people when there is nothing apparently wrong in the relationship. However, someone once posted here that if you are this unhappy then that in itself should be reason enough to justify a change. I have had to really steel myself to not talk about this with my mum anymore because I ended up being floored with guilt (your poor dh, why did you have children with him, etc). Like I planned all this... I would love her understanding but its not going to happen so I thank my lucky stars for my friends instead.
I read the love you but not in love with you book and it was helpful but to be honest I think I just wanted someone to tell me I was allowed to feel the way I was feeling. That felt like a big step.
I tried to make sure I was sure about how I was feeling. I finally spoke to my DH about it which was bloody hard. That all sounds very simple but I made myself physically ill with the stress and unhappiness. All I can say is that a year on I am feeling much better. The indecision really is horrendous.
We are still living together but recently I finally said I needed us to go into separate rooms. However horribly hard and sad each conversation/change has been, I have also felt huge relief. Having your own space in a home that does not necessarily represent much happiness for you is so important.
I found the "playing happy families" thing really hard (my DH seems to be in denial about the whole thing) so in a bid to slowly adjust mine and his but mainly the kids lives, I now bow out one day and evening at the w/e. This has given me breathing space from DH and the situation, made him step up to looking after little kids by himself (and he's enjoying it) and the kids don't really bat an eyelid when I go. They didn't even say anything when we went into separate rooms but do refer to my room as mummy's room etc. I have rea that its not necessarily divorce but how parents behave that is crucial and as a child of divorced parents I agree. I deeply wish the "ideal scenario" was still ours but it is not...
We jointly own a home and I am still a sahm but am now looking for a job. Once I am hopefully earning I will suggest we split the finances and go from there.
So why haven't we sold the house and and gone our own ways already, as I would ideally like to do? Because I think it would kill him, emotionally as well as financially. And also, it's bloody scary!! It's all been very slow but hopefully he will eventually understand that it is for the best and hopefully the kids will gradually adjust.
What I am very long windedly trying to say is that it doesn't have to be one huge jump but little steps can help regain some form of sanity. Genuinely no idea where I will be this time next year but am in a much better place than this time last year. X