Too good to leave, too bad to stay, support group. Anyone?

[Salbertina]

Not necessarily looking for advice, just a little handholding from any others in a similar situation.
Not even read said book but the gist of it sums up where i am right now! Anyone??

[Strugglingtocopejustnow]

Yentil, I earn less and have still afforded a lovely house :)
What about the equity in the family home?

[FatOwl]

I am trying to make plans to train myself for something so I would be employable if/when I do leave and return to the UK.

I have looked at being a TA, there is one international school that does a TA training programme. I worked in Childcare before we left the UK.

But have also been looking at the CELTA qualification. (Teaching English as a second language) - I think I am qualified to do it - I have a degree and have done Teacher training way back before I got married but never actually worked in a school) I just scored 100% in the online English proficiency check (Thank god for that!)
There is a centre in my city that i can do it part time over three months. It's quite expensive though so will have to get it past H.

[metoo22]

On that question, Tessa, if that were the case I would say 'yes' and do it. But in general I have not concluded... I am in a weird suspended state at the moment as dh is away for a month. I feel relieved yet sick and not able to really enjoy the time as I am constantly thinking about what to do. I think I am going to say that we have to rearrange rooms so that one of us can move out of ours. I know I need to be much more direct than I have been so far.

[Strugglingtocopejustnow]

Metoo22- the decision is the hardest part. Trust me.

[yentil]

@Strugglingtocopejustnow I live in a suburb of London. I really have invested sooo much effort into planting roots here (childcare/schools/communte to work etc) so couldnt even fathom moving further out (cheaper)....I can't get a flat for less than 300k here. My only support (sibling) here too....equity in home maybe 50k each. That's a 250k mortgage. I could just about pay my own way in current house if u stopped doing anything extra curricular (doable) but that would stop when interest rates rose (I have been wracking my brains about how I would cope when we came out of this low interest rate bubble. Also where would DH who earns 15k less than me go? A bedsit? He's also older and not likely to earn anymore than he does now. Short of a lottery win I can't see a way out.

[RumAndBoak]

Ok I'll join you all, I have 2 lovely children, 12 years down the line my husband and I are so different, I'm relaxed and he is intense and a workaholic. I have tried to explain my needs and to get him to prioritise and stop him being so detatched from the little things that matter. In his head we are his world, in mine we are a tick on the list: wife- check, kids : check.

Now I am typing this I feel like I married the wrong person, we aren't the same. I don't turn to him because the details of my life aren't interesting/ important to him and he will not make the situation feel better/ add anything. I love him but I am not in love with him. He is a decent man and a wonderful dad when he's not on his blackberry.

I am here going through the motions because I cannot bear the thought of sharing time with the children and I do not want them to go through the ensuing turmoil. My life isn't bad but my marriage isn't really a marriage. I haven't a clue what to do.

[atosilis]

I'll join. I've posted on here loads because of this position.

I snapped today, feel very guilty, and have handed in a 3 page letter to my husband's GP. Page 1 explains that my H is becoming more and more physically and mentally/emotionally ill. H went mad at me on Sun night, he was drunk and totally irrational. Enough.

Pages 2 & 3 list physical info (weight increase), dreadful diet and alcohol with the medicines/drugs he has to take. It lists examples of his sweating, shaking and inability to stand still without support sometimes. There are also examples of his aggressive behaviour and depression.

Don't know what I intend to achieve but I do want to let the GP know that when H goes for his next check-up and says, "I'm fine!", he bloody isn't and I am close to breaking point.

But, when it's going well, it goes well(ish). I am aware that I go out of my way to avoid arguments and omit details without actually lying.

[Salbertina]

Oh atolisis! Are you staying out of duty, guilt? Sounds v hard. Do you have to be a hands on carer for him??

[metoo22]

Atolosis that sounds so hard, and it sounds like the letter to GP was very much needed, I hope s/he takes notice.

Yentil I haven't tried to actually work out housing costs yet but like you I just cant see how we can possibly sustain 2 homes, earnings just too low.

Strugglingtocope, thanks for your encouragement. It's helpful.

[atosilis]

No, I actually work full time with a 2 hr drive a day. A lot of the time he can be perfectly fine, the 'too good to go' period, but he takes differences of opinion badly. When he shouts, wow.

Coping strategies help a lot. I do feel bad about telling tales to the GP but hope he will advise H to look after himself a bit more. He might throw the letter in the bin for all I know but I've tried an avenue.

[TrippleBerryFairy]

I'll join in as well. Not married but we own a house and have a son so i stay in this because of hope one day things will change and he will deal with his issues that make us all unhappy. In the meantime im on my 2nd counsellor cause i need to be able to talk to someone otherwise i would probably become physically and mentally ill.

The loneliness, i sometimes after yet another argument go through contact list on my phone to see if theres anyone i could call and talk to but theres no one i can open up to. We are happy and normal couple to everyone who knows us (i do wonder about the neighbours sometimes, they might have hears snippets from our arguments which would be rather disturbing...)

[Lostwithoutacompass]

Hello... I posted about a year ago (love but not in love with DH) and whilst I am not at all in my ideal situation, hopefully I might help someone find some clarity or ideas..

Like many my DH is kind, etc. long story short I think we have just grown into different people but lack of sexual chemistry was a main factor.

It's very hard trying to have support and understanding from people when there is nothing apparently wrong in the relationship. However, someone once posted here that if you are this unhappy then that in itself should be reason enough to justify a change. I have had to really steel myself to not talk about this with my mum anymore because I ended up being floored with guilt (your poor dh, why did you have children with him, etc). Like I planned all this... I would love her understanding but its not going to happen so I thank my lucky stars for my friends instead.

I read the love you but not in love with you book and it was helpful but to be honest I think I just wanted someone to tell me I was allowed to feel the way I was feeling. That felt like a big step.

I tried to make sure I was sure about how I was feeling. I finally spoke to my DH about it which was bloody hard. That all sounds very simple but I made myself physically ill with the stress and unhappiness. All I can say is that a year on I am feeling much better. The indecision really is horrendous.

We are still living together but recently I finally said I needed us to go into separate rooms. However horribly hard and sad each conversation/change has been, I have also felt huge relief. Having your own space in a home that does not necessarily represent much happiness for you is so important.

I found the "playing happy families" thing really hard (my DH seems to be in denial about the whole thing) so in a bid to slowly adjust mine and his but mainly the kids lives, I now bow out one day and evening at the w/e. This has given me breathing space from DH and the situation, made him step up to looking after little kids by himself (and he's enjoying it) and the kids don't really bat an eyelid when I go. They didn't even say anything when we went into separate rooms but do refer to my room as mummy's room etc. I have rea that its not necessarily divorce but how parents behave that is crucial and as a child of divorced parents I agree. I deeply wish the "ideal scenario" was still ours but it is not...

We jointly own a home and I am still a sahm but am now looking for a job. Once I am hopefully earning I will suggest we split the finances and go from there.

So why haven't we sold the house and and gone our own ways already, as I would ideally like to do? Because I think it would kill him, emotionally as well as financially. And also, it's bloody scary!! It's all been very slow but hopefully he will eventually understand that it is for the best and hopefully the kids will gradually adjust.

What I am very long windedly trying to say is that it doesn't have to be one huge jump but little steps can help regain some form of sanity. Genuinely no idea where I will be this time next year but am in a much better place than this time last year. X

[SunshineBossaNova]

Thanks Lost. I had a blunt conversation with my DH today: I told him frankly that I would have left earlier if it hadn't been for the cat. (No children, but my cat is 19 and has been with me all his life.)

I'm feeling a bit raw, as I think is DH, but I'm glad I got it off my chest. I don't know what I'll do next, but I'm glad to have said it.

[metoo22]

Thanks Lost - sorry for what you're going through but it helps to read about it. It sounds like there's quite a bit of similarity to my situation. If I am brave enough to talk directly to dh we will have to find a way to stay living in this house I think too. We're in London, kids are big so really not OK to move them, and anyway work, friends etc all here, but the prices - just impossible. I'm glad to hear you are feeling better even without a finite break.

Mozarela I went to a therapist myself today for the first time, hoping to get some help working myself out as I approach tall this. That won't help the budgeting but I feel like I really need it for a bit. What does yours say about your situation?

[8isgood]

You can be brave and just take "that leap"
Just jump!!!
I did after nearly 30 years with my husband.
Met when I was 16 and he was 17 - 3 children later and I was aged 45 and sad so so sad!!
My situation was different I know as I was subjected to many forms of abuse but ultimately I did still love him :-(
But I wasn't "in love" with him!!
I'm now two years down the line - it's been tough so tough and in many ways still is.
I've lost all our mutual friends, his family whom I'd know and loved since my teenage years but I'm happy, my kids are happy :-)
So be brave
You get one life
Just "take that leap"..........
It will all be fine ......

[Ginga66]

This sounds familiar. I tried joining the EA thread but the pressure to leave makes it hard. I have two dcs four and one.my dh has difficulty with emotions. He is a very good father and does a lot of housework bu he can't manage the kids on his own or so he says?, I doa lot of childcare, up four times a night with baby and work part time as does dh. I am the bread winner too.
Things amble on ok with some lovely moments and w do have sex, bu there is very little care for me or respite r romance. I never ge a lie in. He never buys me flowers or books a date night.
He complains or being tired or I'll. I have disc lesion and trapped ulnar nerves. He has never offered to take kids ou so I can ave a lie down or offered tosleep with baby.
We had a huge row today as I asked him to watch kids while I went to dentist with v bad tooth. He asked me to take them instead. I was so tired I go angry a which point he calls m mental and thn says its my hormones - his interfering overbearing mothers theory.
I took the kids out all day so he could do stuff thn went out in the evening too.
I do ge time out but he nearly always drafts in his mother. He is their dad ffs!
At any rate my four year old very much needs stability as he is super sensitive.
I still love dh despite his ack of interest in m welfare.
There s no good solution is there.

[Ginga66]

This sounds familiar. I tried joining the EA thread but the pressure to leave makes it hard. I have two dcs four and one.my dh has difficulty with emotions. He is a very good father and does a lot of housework bu he can't manage the kids on his own or so he says?, I doa lot of childcare, up four times a night with baby and work part time as does dh. I am the bread winner too.
Things amble on ok with some lovely moments and w do have sex, bu there is very little care for me or respite r romance. I never ge a lie in. He never buys me flowers or books a date night.
He complains or being tired or I'll. I have disc lesion and trapped ulnar nerves. He has never offered to take kids ou so I can ave a lie down or offered tosleep with baby.
We had a huge row today as I asked him to watch kids while I went to dentist with v bad tooth. He asked me to take them instead. I was so tired I go angry a which point he calls m mental and thn says its my hormones - his interfering overbearing mothers theory.
I took the kids out all day so he could do stuff thn went out in the evening too.
I do ge time out but he nearly always drafts in his mother. He is their dad ffs!
At any rate my four year old very much needs stability as he is super sensitive.
I still love dh despite his ack of interest in m welfare.
There s no good solution is there.

[Yani]

Sadly, this thread rings a bell. :(

[TrippleBerryFairy]

metoo, being a therapist she doesn't pass the judgement or advice although she does say I am being generous when I start saying that perhaps the problem is me and my perceptions.

We go through cycles where things are ok (too good to leave when I wonder why on earth I need the therapist at all) and then proverbial hits the fan and I am glad I see her.

Our issues (from my POV obviously) are around his porn addiction and all that goes with it, the whole relationship is tarnished by it and the fact he was doing it while I was pregnant, then disengagement when DS was little, pushing the blame on me (e.g. my leaking boobs don't help his libido), rejection to the point where these days hell would freeze before I initiate sex with him, I found out he was using webcams when he was too drunk one night to delete browsing history etc etc, you get the picture. And he is shit around the house, I do all the cleaning, take care of the garden, laundry, etc... He was sexually abused as a teen but I am not entirely sure that is the root cause of the addiction. It sometimes feels that he likes to use the abuse that happened as a deflection in order to not address the porn issue... Same way he uses tiredness or alcohol in order to avoid conversations with me about all the above. Like today, he had 4 drinks on the way home from work and refused to engage in anything re our latest argument and went straight to bed.

We were on holiday last week and he proposed, bought an engagement ring and I said yes, needless to say the ring is stuffed in my jewelry box and 6th sense is screeming at me that I would be the ultimate fool to go along and marry him.

What makes it difficult is that he is not completely rotten, he has good qualities and can be sweet and funny and is generous so it seems silly to leave because there is no 'real' reason...

Tbh I have been thinking about separation since DS was born so 4 years now. God knows how many more I will spend in this limbo. I so wish he would just man the fuck up and address the addiction and do something about it, do fuckingsomething about it...

[metoo22]

Mozarela that sounds like a really horrible situation. I have seen 2 therapists now, and think I have chosen which one I will see. I feel scared but at the same time sort of excited and I'm pleased that I have got the ball rolling. I'm not sure how it will affect what I decide/do about my marriage, but I hope I will understand my own feelings and motivation and actions better. e.g. why I feel so responsible for h.

[Overtiredmum]

Oddly, that seems to be something most of us are confused about - feelings of responsibility for our H/partners?

[metoo22]

Yes it does seem to be a pattern... How do you think that came about with you Overtired? For me I think it's partly because he came to this country to be with me and I have made excuses for him, under the guise of being supportive. I suppose I encouraged him to be independent, study, etc but never got angry about his lack of initiative or progress, instead it was always 'well its easier for me to do xyz'. But he's been here 25 years so why we are still in that pattern I don't know.

[Overtiredmum]

I don't know, I think for me personally its more to do with the fact that I earn more, and because its me that has finished it "for no apparent reason", I'm taking away his stability? Does that make sense?

Although, ridiculously probably, I have offered him two thirds of the sale profits, have asked for no maintenance for DC when I eventually move out, because I want make sure he has money to do stuff with the DC.

But saying that just recently I am reaching the view the I want to go 50:50 with the sale proceeds, especially when he threatens to "sabotage" the sale I have discovered he has been stashing money in a bank account, his family is looking after it for him and paying money in etc, so whilst I am contributing nearly £1k a month more in wages and struggling to make ends meet a little, I feel he is laughing at me abit?

[marriednotdead]

Count me in.

I have spent 11 years (9 of them married) with a narcissist- how I wish I'd had found MN before I did. He works hard but has had addiction problems with gambling and alcohol in the past, and has a daily cannabis habit. The only reason he has any control over either is because I permanently hold his bank card and only give him a far too bloody generous weekly allowance.

We both have DCs from previous relationships and each of our youngest (teens) lives with us. As we are joint HA tenants, we have equal rights to live here (although I was in this house many years before we met) and the housing dept has no obligation to help if we split.

I work PT so couldn't afford to rent privately, and he has nowhere to go even if he wanted to.

He is moody, EA, and I tread on eggshells constantly. Apparently he can't talk to me, even though the whole world treats me like their counsellor.

There have been many periods where he emotionally withdraws. The latest alleged misdemeanor of mine has seen him choose to sleep on the couch for 2 weeks, not speak and refuse anything I cooked.

He thinks he's right, and assumes I will beg to sort things out for the sake of peace. Not this time. It's over for me but I'm just stuck sharing the house. One problem money would solve...

[atosilis]

I feel responsible for my husband too. He is obviously very depressed, he is at home all day and has too much time to imagine scenarios that don't exist.

Last night I said, 'No-one has been talking behind your back and deciding where you should go at the weekend, the world does not revolve around you'.

His reply?

'Well it should, I'm treated like I'm invisible'.

The whole finding somewhere else to live, living on my pathetic salary, moving all my stuff out of the house, family reactions - then I think, "Oh it'll sort itself out".

I did tell my counsellor (my sanity saver) that he would be much happier if I shared a room with him, had sex with him and always did what he wanted and maybe I should do that so the house is calmer.

I actually let that thought enter my head!!!