Too good to leave, too bad to stay, support group. Anyone?

[Salbertina]

Not necessarily looking for advice, just a little handholding from any others in a similar situation.
Not even read said book but the gist of it sums up where i am right now! Anyone??

[Ivedunnit]

So we have a family holiday booked for October and "we " decided we should just go on it as normal.
I have tickets for a concert this week and asked my friend to come. When I told DH he went mental and said we are going to Tenerife together in October - I pointed out that was for the benefit of DS.
I feel as if I am living in a twilight world. Meanwhile he is showing me the documents of houses he is viewing.

[BranchingOut]

Hi, cant post in detail now, but signing in.
How did you all read the book? I can't really buy it and read it in the evenings opposite him!

[littlecrystal]

I am getting emotional while reading this thread. I have been there.. or I was. I symphatise a lot with this thread as I am still one leg in it.
Several years of emotionally detached marriage where we just grew apart and just few weeks ago almost reached the point of separation. It did not help that all we do is work, take care of 2 DC and have no time or money for any fun stuff. I was ridden with guilt as this is my second marriage and my current husband blamed me with the same thing (one of the things) as the first i.e. not cooking enough – quite a small thing but hit my head hard. Somehow I managed to pick both my husbands being quiet traditionalist husbands, where a wife must cook and take care of home. While my idea is we both have equal hands to help with things.

Anyway, while being almost on a brink of separation I googled a lot about how to save the marriage and came to the 3 conclusions: 1) I have neglected my husband 2) one must start making changes from him(her)self 3) if I feel strong enough to handle divorce and single mum life, I may as well be strong enough to try and save my marriage. So, equipped with the internet knowledge I am now trying to see if making effort FOR my husband will make any difference. The effort is not that big, mainly cooking every evening and showing affection and care. He responds well. I thought long and hard how I feel about it as it is quite traditionalist and submissive but I like the result that I see, I finally made my husband smile and talk to me about his day and appreciate my efforts and even responding to my little requests for help. I hope that this will help him to rethink his behavior and change for good, too.

This is what most of us does with any new boyfriend anyway so I figured I will try all of this with my old boring husband. A part of it may be pretending, but I have read somewhere if you repeat enough times “I love you” you will start to believe in it.

For me at the moment this is better solution than separating/divorcing as we have 2 little boys and my heart breaks to break the family apart for the sake of happiness. Yes we are entitled to happiness but who said that we live for happiness – no one ever has 100% happiness and it is all very relative. I live for other things too, like comfort, security, stability, 2 parent family etc. If it breaks my heart to get divorced for the second time, then I’d rather won’t do. Or at least not until DC reach the age of 16 (>10 years to go). Though I wish my marriage would be better, I don’t feel like a victim to stay in the marriage.

On the other hand DH and I both work and go out with friends so we get enough of “me” time so we don’t feel deprived of the chance to pursue my own hobbies, friends etc.

I divorced my first husband about 10 years ago. We were still in love when we divorced but were too ambitious and stubborn with each other. In the hindsight all could have been reconciled if we had more wisdom. I do regret my first divorce on occasions.
Sorry if I am being to explicit here. Everyone’s to each own life path.

[littlecrystal]

A joke, hope it enlightens your mood:

A wife goes to a divorce lawyer: “My husband wants to divorce me, how I can take revenge?!”
Divorce lawyer: “Be super sweet and super nice to him for the next three months and then file for divorce yourself”
After 3 months:
Divorce lawyer: “When are you going to book an appointment with me for filing for divorce?”
Wife: “What divorce?? We are in the Carribean on our second honeymoon!”

[Salbertina]

Gosh - hope it works out as you want, radical though. Or rather not. Think my dh wd love similar treatment but i really do expect him to pull his weight at home more so daren't budge an inch...

[Biscuitsareme]

littlecrystal so basically you are trying to save your marriage by giving in to your OH and doing more than your fair share of the housework? I'm all for being pleasant to others, but this 'cooking a meal for him every night' sounds a bit doormat-like to me.

[Ivedunnit]

I am also divorced and married for the second time. I am so embarrassed that this has also failed. More so as we have a child now involved.
But I have tried to look past my DH's faults and pull together but this is not possible if there is only one person prepared to work at it and the other person will accept no blame.
Many times in the past we have been close to this point and I have always pulled back. And again this time it was put to me was I sure that I wanted to end this. Thisis so he has someone to blame again - it wasn't him that ended it. Though he did by his actions and refusal to acknowledge the EA.
littlecrystal I hope it works for you.

[littlecrystal]

Well that's the thing - trying to figure out the fair share does not work for us. Yes I come from work earlier than him so I cook dinner. So far he cooked all his meals for himself but that contributed to us drifting apart. He still cooks on weekends for himself and family not that I love his food very much
Yes I will take his coat and pass his slippers if that helps to save the marriage.
No I am not and will not be a doormat. This is a strategy. He contributes in other ways (car, DC, cleaning house etc). But I want to do what is important for him.

I don't know if it works long term but at least I will give it a try.

[TrippleBerryFairy]

littlecrystal, what you are trying to do sounds very tough. I couldn't do it though (eventhough i sometimes contemplate trying to be perfect partner for a week or so...).

I started reading the book and got first blow with the first question- was it really good in the beginning? No, it wasnt really as very early, from around month 3 i noticed there were issues as he didn't want to have sex and i wondered wtf is going on? But then we went on holiday and 4 months in i got pregnant. And we are together since and he still doesnt want me (eventhough he claims otherwise but surely actions speak louder than words) and rarely touches me.

Where do i go with the knowledge that its hard to fix something that wasnt even there in the first place? I'm not sure yet so i stay where i am for now...

[fromparistoberlin]

me too

I decided that whilst its bad (and it has been) I cant bear to only see my kids 50% of the time (he is a SAHD)- I am working on it. lets see till he has his next blow out eh?

[fromparistoberlin]

and, I miss him. but next time he has a mega fucking temper I dont know how I will cope

[Ivedunnit]

mozarela i am in the same place as you , when I think back was it ever right or did I just make it right !
I have whole list of stuff that I have put up with, not affairs or the likes but EA of the extreme form that if a friend told me they were putting up with this I would have told them they were crazy!
There is no intimacy in our house either. We were on holiday a few years back and DS was of an age to willingly participate in the kids clubs. So I thought woohoo- 2 weeks of loving. After the first time he told me not to expect this every day ! I think we had sex twice on a two week holiday!

[lovemenot]

Just finished the book. Got clarity. Big row last week, I offered an apology that wasn't accepted and I was not offered one for the horrendous stuff he said.

I'm done. Just have to figure out how to end it and protect mine (and dd's) interests.

[Ivedunnit]

Who is the Author of the book ?

[lovemenot]

Mira Kirshenbaum

www.goodreads.com/book/show/46681.Too_Good_to_Leave_Too_Bad_to_Stay

[lovemenot]

www.goodreads.com/book/show/46681.Too_Good_to_Leave_Too_Bad_to_Stay

[Notmyidea]

Not having a good day here, either:( Just waiting for the row once dd1 finishes her homework and goes to bed.

[Overtiredmum]

Do you want to talk about it KingRollo?

[Salbertina]

Good for you, King. Not at all easy but at least you've made up your mind to leave, sounds best in then circumstances. From my experience, much better from kids' pov to do sooner rather than later, your baby will have no memory of these hard times at least.

[Overtiredmum]

So sorry KingRollo, how are you feeling this morning? X

[therewearethen]

That's shit kingrollo, leave the twat to it, she's soon get bored when he does the same to her!

Just an update: DP is moving out at the end of the month