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Original poster

Should I tell the other woman's husband.

236 replies

fudgelover · 21/08/2013 15:14

My husband has been having an affair for at least the last four years. I found out last year. He left when I confronted him. Part of me feels that this man should know what is happening, but another part just wants to make this other woman suffer for what she has done. Would I just cause myself more problems by doing this.

OP posts:
mammadiggingdeep · 21/08/2013 19:38

LEMisdisapointed......don't mince your words!! Lol!!!! Perfect use of the c word..... :) lol

MexicanHat · 21/08/2013 19:38

The OP found out about the affair last year. That's at least 8 months ago. I think she's probably had time to digest it and any revenge/bunny boiler thoughts would have passed by now or they would have been carried out months ago.

And I'm afraid the OW made it the OP's business by having an affair with her husband for 4 years!!

What are your thoughts about the conflicting advice so far OP?

LEMisdisappointed · 21/08/2013 19:39

thanks mamma - i don't always get it right though, it is my favourite word :)

mammadiggingdeep · 21/08/2013 19:39

....and I agree....she's not a bunny boiler. Unless there's stuff we don't know about her stalking/not letting go.....

missbopeep · 21/08/2013 19:49

It is impossible for an outsider to know if telling the husband will improve his life and marriage or make it a whole lot worse.

So the right action is to do nothing. He may well know already. How does the OP know whether he knows or not?

And 8 months is nothing- I've known people not get over affairs for life-never mind 8 months.

She's lashing out wanting to cause pain. I wish she'd admit that and not pretend she was doing someone a favour.

BitOutOfPractice · 21/08/2013 19:51

OK if I were you this is what I'd think.

I know I shouldn't

But I realy want to

Then I'd torture myself doe months about what to do

BitOutOfPractice · 21/08/2013 19:53

missbopeep if she was "lashing out" she'd have done it months and months ago

mcmooncup · 21/08/2013 19:53

I would tell in this situation too.
You can do it with dignity.
You are telling the truth, so I don't get the problem people have with this.
Otherwise it is like you are covering in some way for the 2 people having an affair. Their choices, so I presume they are happy to live with it.

mammadiggingdeep · 21/08/2013 19:56

LEM.....I never use it myself (seems too naughty for a square like me) but I LOVE it when other people use it on just the right context.

Actually....I lie...I have used it a few times in my life and boy did it feel good. Sometimes only the c bomb will do!!! :)

mammadiggingdeep · 21/08/2013 19:57

Yes, op...what do you think about the conflicting advice?? Which point of view do you most agree with??

MirandaWest · 21/08/2013 19:58

When I found out about XHs affair I knew the OWs DP didn't know. I knew his name and as it was a distinctive one (possibly unique) it would have been easy for me to get in touch with him. I thought about it for several months but in the end didn't. I was happy I didn't tell him.

I probably wouldn't have appreciated being told about XHs affair although I found out after about 6 months so not as if he had been going on for years.

missbopeep · 21/08/2013 19:58

Bit not necessarily. revenge is a dish best served cold, eh?

And in the context, 8 months is nothing

VulvaVoom · 21/08/2013 20:05

Are you wanting to cause the OW grief? Or do you feel the Husband should be told, so he's not being duped/mugged off? Apologies for the 'mugged off' I'm not a cockney but can't think of another phrase!

You could do it anonymously if you don't want to be dragged into it?

On the plus side, you aren't 'blamed' for outing the OW/Wife BUT on the negative side, you would probably leave the husband bewildered and with many questions he can't get the answer to.

MexicanHat · 21/08/2013 20:07

Miranda - really? You wouldn't have appreciated being told that your H was having an affair? Can I ask why?

LemonPeculiarJones · 21/08/2013 20:26

Tell him.

They don't deserve for you to be 'dignified' and restrained, and he deserves to know.

I assume you'd want him to tell you if the situation were reversed?

converselover · 21/08/2013 20:30

Let's hope the ow has kids then. Then deserve a good fucking over too presumably with "the truth"? A really cold dish to enjoy.

ageofgrandillusion · 21/08/2013 20:34

Would you want to know you were living a lie with some devious fucker? I know i would. The sooner you tell him, the sooner he can get on with his life.

Lazyjaney · 21/08/2013 20:37

Do it. revenge is a dish best eaten cold.

LittlePeaPod · 21/08/2013 20:39

Converselover. I wonder if OW is thinking about her kids when she is on her back getting nailed behind her innocent husbands back... If she does have kids she clearly doesn't care how her behaviour/actions will impact their lives...

Capitola · 21/08/2013 20:39

I disagree.

The best revenge is living well.

With your dignity intact.

Supertrooper88 · 21/08/2013 20:55

Yes you MUST tell him.

Not for spite. Not to get back at her or your ex DH.

Tell him because the poor sod is probably flogging his dead horse of a marriage with no idea there is no point. He is wasting his life stuck for years with someone who is involved elsewhere. He is being deprived of an honest and open life/relationship by not being told.

A close friend found out her DH had an affair for 4 years behind her back and even now 11 years on says to me "I wasted 4 years of my life trying to make that marriage work when there was no point." Years later she frequently brings up the fact that certain people knew but didnt want to get involved.

Do the bloke a favour and tell him but tell him the facts and dont make it a witch hunt.

DrHolmes · 21/08/2013 21:37

Agree with super, tell him. Poor guy.

missbopeep · 21/08/2013 21:40

It's a bit laughable posters saying 'they'd want to know if it were them'.

If you don't know you aren't aware that there is anything to know!

No one has taken on my point that he may know already OR just as likely doesn't give a fuck. It's possible.

Basic rule is don't ever interfere with anyone else's marriage.
It never turns out well.

OP- get some counselling and work through your feelings there- you don't 'owe' this man anything and your desire to somehow 'save' him is misplaced.

forumdonkey · 21/08/2013 21:48

If you feel like telling him tell him - whatever your motives are. He's as involved in their affair as you are. By saying he shouldn't be told is like saying you didn't have the right to know about the affair too. Of course he has a right to know as you did - what he does with the information is then down to him.

JassyAlconleigh · 21/08/2013 22:00

another part just wants to make this other woman suffer for what she has done.

I think that's the crux; understandable but not helpful to either party.

You should be looking forward, not for spiteful revenge.

How do you know he doesn't know? Sorry if I missed that he did/didn't.

I know someone who did this and the husband knew. He had his own private reasons for remaining in the marriage and trying to make it work. The person who told him just looked like an unhinged bitch and opened all manner of old wounds. It did her no good at all and she made a real spectacle of herself.

I'm sure you could find more healthy bad constructive ways to move your life forward.

I hope you find some peace soon.