Should I tell the other woman's husband.

[fudgelover]

My husband has been having an affair for at least the last four years. I found out last year. He left when I confronted him. Part of me feels that this man should know what is happening, but another part just wants to make this other woman suffer for what she has done. Would I just cause myself more problems by doing this.

Mixxy, I think your 'Ahem' was because you called me a self loving narc who may have been Wellwobbly's OW !

Nope!, it wasn't me. Was it you Cronullansw?

Fyi, I did NOT private message anyone but I do admit to replying to those who PM'd me! Just a courteous word of thanks of course.

Let's not be presumptious Mixxy. Stick to the facts.

Littlepeapod You got me there I will stop now 'cos I'm not taking this seriously.

The facts make you look like an apologist! I'd stick to fantasy if I were you. If my comments were bad, HQ would have deleted them. They didn't.

Oh and now you are throwing out other names? !?! Cronullansw must be a close personal friend of yours, I assume?

I know you're not taking this seriously, because perhaps you are lucky to be very young, and too poor to own joint property or anything else that complicates life.

Mixxy in fairness, my original post was totally sincere but I've since lost momentum. Just because my post raises controversy, you automatically view me as an apologist - your so far off the mark.

I made a fair and factual comment about a poster who responds using quotes, books, authors and she is responsible for digressing from the actual post raised by the OP.

I do not know Cronullansw personally but couldn't resist a lighthearted wind-up (I have a wicken sense of humour but that doesn't mean I don't stand by my original post.

I will not post further as I don't wish to be known as someone who is not taking the original thread seriously but if someone continues to expose their personal life history, then they are setting themselves up for comments further down the line. I do not spend my time stalking WW on other threads Zzzzzz but its not hard to pick up a few facts on her personal history as she has mentioned them soooo often.

If you can't stand the heat, then don't post personal details about oneself

OP - No, don't tell him. As others have said, move on, and keep your dignity. I wouldn't tell him because of how it would affect his children, and maybe yours, if it becomes public knowledge.

He may find out. So be it. But I would advise against being the one to tell him.

gehj I didn't post any details aboit myself. I think you must have been trying to think aboit the OP. I understand its confusing for you.

Its best you just check out. Cool.

Gehj - you are coming across as extremely unpleasant.

Wellwobbly - I for one, enjoy your contributions to these threads. It's interesting, I remember similar posters with experiences and viewpoints like yours and they were hounded too. Very sad.

Wow - I am not easily bullied so stop bothering Gehj but the kindness of MNetters and there commitment to fairness is going to lift me through this whole day. Thank you all

But to get back to the situation of the OP: there seems to be a lot of confusion about what is her responsiblity, what is revenge, what is drama.

Here is a wonderful extract from the AA:

DETACHMENT
Detachment is neither kind nor unkind. It does not imply judgement or condemnation of the person or situation from which we are detaching...

In [any 12 step programme] we learn:
Not to suffer because of the actions or reactions of other people
Not to allow ourselves to be used or abused by others in the interests of another's recovery
Not to do for others what they can do for themselves
Not to manipulate situations so others will [behave] as we see fit
Not to cover up for another's mistakes or misdeeds
Not to create a crisis
Not to prevent a crisis if it is in the natural course of events

And this is the crux of a lot of the argument: would OP CAUSE the crisis? In my opinion, no. Two other people CAUSED the crisis, by their mistakes and misdeeds. OP would be TELLING THE TRUTH. By telling the truth, she would be rejecting the message that this is her shame to bear, that she 'caused' it, that she is responsible for the choices of other people.

By NOT telling the truth, she would IMO be preventing a crisis that 'is in the natural cause of events'. And that is taking on the responsibility and pain of another persons behaviour, that is co-dependent.

Gehj you are obsessed with Wellwobby. It's really quite SAD. You are trying to highjack the Ops thread with your own vindictive agenda and are yourself digressing from the subject raised by the Op.

And with regards your comment:- If someone continues to expose their personal life history, then they are setting themselves up for comments further down the line. Maybe we should start commenting on your historic notes about your personal life. Maybe we should comment about your posts telling the world how you have been fcking someone else's husband for 10 years. A husband that's clearly been using you for nothing else than a quick jump because he clearly has no intentions of leaving his wife. If we are going to digress* maybe that's the direction we should be digressing in?

I really can't stand bullies and Internet trolls.

LPP OUCH!! I wondered how long it would take you to drag that up. I'm assuming you didn't manage that all on your own .

So, if a person makes a controversial comment about a poster (which It seems I'm not alone with the direction of my thoughts), they're known as obsessed with that poster, or a stalker purely because I have raised some factual evidence to support my post?

I'm neither a stalker, troll or bully. But what I am able to do, is raise a valid point without my posts becoming vindictive (such as yours LPP). Raising my previous thread has no bearing on this matter we are discussing. I think you raised this purely to satisfy your own frustration!?

Try taking a piece of your own advice and stick to the OPs original post.

I absolutely do not agree that the only motivation to tell would be revenge. I think everyone has the right to make the important decisions about their own lives based on the best, most accurate information. It is really wrong to withold information from people that would affect their major life choices. I think an unconsidered, kneejerk reaction is wrong (and undignified) but sharing relevant information as gently and quietly as possible is right.
And for the record - I have never cheated, and when cheated on myself did not tell for fear of appearing undignified. 15 years after that event I can honestly say revenge was not a motivator for me, ever. But the wasted years still feel wrong.

And yes, he may be complicit, but if so, he won't mind hearing it again, will he? It's what he doesn't know but needs to know that matters.

Oh dear, hoist with your own petard!

Sorry Gehj, but I think that you are wrong in saying that your own history has no relevance, it certainly does. I would not expect anyone with a back story of 10 years of being the OW to understand the motivation behind what the OP is asking. Sure, she admits it is revenge but also there is the feeling of that poor man being the only one that doesnt know that he is being made a fool of. I am sure your MM wife would understand that if she were to find out about your affair with her husband. But the very nature of this thread calls into question your own behaviour so it is no surprise that you feel defensive. Which leads me to question why you feel that your input on this thread is in any way helpful.

Rather than avoid it, given that the subject matter is uncomfortably close to home, you choose to wade in and attack another poster who has been the wife. Who are you to say how on earth a betrayed wife should react? What books she should read? How long she should take to recover?

The more I read, the more selfish and cruel you appear. I feel sorry for you, I really do because no one who is truly happy is so nasty to others.

I agree with your post Bogeyface in the main, and I agree my past history would have had relevance to my posts IF I had posted anything relevant to the OPs question in the first instance (I did not post anything on this thread relevant to OPs question).

The reason WHY I posted on this thread was because I was becoming increasingly frustrated and annoyed with WW (Wellwobbly's) posts as they digress from the OPs question leading very much to her own issues; and it is, IMO, something she does quite often. Therefore, I raised the issue that WW tends to make each post about herself in length rather than being supportive to the OP.

I also raised the issue that there are many questions raised by herself that she could receive help with by starting a thread of her own. i.e this was ignored and again, this morning, I see she has suggested to someone that they might like to start up their own thread (with something I know is pertinent to her thoughts).

Do you see where I am going with this? If she is so interested in a subject pertaining to heself, why does she herself not start the thread. I'm wondering why she suggests to others to start a thread (she has done so again this morning - see - Books/films with Narcissistic characters. Narcissism is something WW is interested in, as WW quotes; all people who have affairs are 'narcissistic'.

WW stated yesterday, in her defense, that she doesn't support anyone on MN unless its about affairs (because she has experience and having read many books on the subject, a wide knowledge) as she doesn't know much about anything else! A rather obsessed and blinkered view of life I think, if one can't comment on anything other than the subject of 'affairs'.

Although she may indeed have a wide knowledge, her posts read like a Wikipedia on the subject rather than someone offering advice.

I am very aware regular MN on this site have knowledge of my past history which is why I have chosen NOT to answer the above OPs question as I knew my history would be brought into question (im not interested in changing my username) but I do feel, I should be allowed to have an opinion without being labelled a troll or unpleasant.

Which is why, when something controversial crops up occasionally, posters tend to PM someone they agree with, as they don't wish to get involved in what I believe is known on this site, being accused as bullying or involved a 'bunfight'.

Hands Gehj a bigger shovel to save time digging the hole.

I agree with those posters who think that to say nothing is to be complicit. The 'avert your eyes, walk on by, nothing to do with me' attitude is horrible - it doesn't matter what we are talking about, illegal activity, cruelty, deception. It's immoral NOT to act IMO. (and for the record I consider anyone in a 10 yr affair to be acting immorally and yes, that would colour my judgment on any other moral pronouncement they tried to make - I would consider their moral compass to be totally broken)

OP - Tell him the truth and tell him as kindly as you can then get on with your life.

Looks like the thread has drifted a little but if you're still reading fudge my thoughts are to tell the OW's H. It really doesn't matter what your motivation is - he does have a right to know. In his shoes I wouldn't care if your motivation was revenge/ anger, I would just want to know the facts. Once he does he can make an informed choice about his marriage, whatever that choice may be at least he isn't making it blind.

This thread is extremely unpleasant and the attacks on Wobbly, disgraceful. I hope you are okay WellWobbly and have the resilience and insight to disregard some of these posts.

One of the most upsetting aspects which is said over and over again is ^being the last to know.

Or at least feeling like it. Feeling like people were pitying you, avoiding you even.

And, of course, there are the wasted years. Living a lie for 2, 3, 4, years when you could have been getting on with it, getting out there, meeting new people, falling in love all over again.

Tell him. Let him decide what's best for him and his family.

Thank you Charbon, so much. Although I do have a lot of faults and Gehj had some good points ...

It is a real measure of how much I have grown as a person is that I felt a lot of compassion for Gehj rather than crumbling. That she used some of our private messaging was a bit disappointing, but behind anger is always fear.

Gehj- is that you Wendy?

Anyway, Charbon, do you have a take on this?

My stance: not telling is co dependent. Telling is letting go of secrecy and shame, and allowing natural consequences to be felt.

I have no doubt that the poor unwitting spouse is suffering. I do not believe that you can have an affair that does NOT drain the legitimate relationship.

I hope that is clear enough, arf!

FWIW I also agree it is co dependent to keep this secret for them.

...Erm, I think you'll find WW, that I have most definitely NOT used any private information that we have exchanged in our PM'd posts divulged on this thread. I credit myself with more tact than that.

You have written on THREE separate threads this morning already - all pertaining to affairs and narcissism (an act of obssession on your part?)

(and no, I haven't been stalking you , your name appeared in the index column, having all been written within minutes of each other )

I expect you have forgotten over the years, what you've written on-line and what is PM'd!

Nice try though.

Seriously, you need to start talking to RL friends WW, as you are coming across as autonomous!!

I'm finding it hard to define which is your words, and those that belong to authors!! .

I'm going to bow out now WW as I feel you have nothing further concrete to add that doesn't stem from some book.

I'm off to enjoy my day. You have a good one now.

@ practicality

Two great and differing quotes on revenge -

I'm a fighter. I believe in the eye-for-an-eye business. I'm no cheek turner. I got no respect for a man who won't hit back. You kill my dog, you better hide your cat.?
― Muhammad Ali, The Greatest My Own Story

?An eye for an eye will only make the whole world blind.?
― Mahatma Gandhi

The thing is they both make sense

I'm glad you're okay Wobbly and understand (though applaud) your compassion.

It is important to feel safe on here though and not vulnerable to attack.

As there haven't been many posts from the OP (little wonder) I'm not sure my views would assist, but I will repeat what I've often said on threads like this.

Women are socialised to suppress their anger and to appear benign and dignified almost regardless of the threats they face. There are no equivalent male epithets for the detestable 'bunny boiler' label and I've noticed when women get angry about infidelity, they are often told to guard against being perceived as hysterical, a loon, unhinged, bitter and spiteful

Men who get angry about infidelity on the other hand are supported in that anger and in some quarters, are derided for not enacting violence against the OM.

I'd judge that this is why in my experience, more men act as informants in this situation than women. They get more societal support for their anger and certainly less criticism for it.

My advice to anyone in this situation is to disregard the sexist hyperbole and focus on how to discharge that anger productively, making sure that it doesn't harm oneself or others not deserving of it. Knowing the truth isn't harmful; the act that is being spoken about truthfully is where the harm has been caused. If it's possible to share that truth in as compassionate a way as possible, without any expectation of the person's actions on hearing it, it can be a very healing thing to do.