Should I tell the other woman's husband.

[fudgelover]

My husband has been having an affair for at least the last four years. I found out last year. He left when I confronted him. Part of me feels that this man should know what is happening, but another part just wants to make this other woman suffer for what she has done. Would I just cause myself more problems by doing this.

[cakeordeath1963]

I would tell her H definately.

My ExH had an affair with what used to be a "friend". We lived in a very small town and it was obvious to everyone (except me) what was going on. His car was always at her house etc.

I found out eventually from the OW's husband when he came to beat up my husband!! My ExH was a coward and ran away and left me with him. He was so appologetic that i had to find out that way, but for all that I was grateful I had found out.

However I will never forget the sense of shame knowing that everyone in the town knew before me. I was very bitter that no-one had thought to tell me and I felt such a fool. I don't know if it was my imagination but I thought back and remembered all the pitying looks I had received because I was so trusting of my ExH.

[DontActuallyLikePrunes]

Another way to deal with it (although potentially far, far messier for you) is to tell your ex that you are going to talk to the husband, and give them a certain amount of time to tell him themselves.

[KatieScarlett2833]

Tell the OW's DH?
I'd tell the frickin world if DH cheated.

[DontmindifIdo]

Be warned, it might not have the effect you want. As I said, they could have an open relationship, or her DH might know already but be turning a blind eye. It might end up meaning the address the problems in their marriage and they end up stronger (although that will probably require her to end her relationship with your H, be prepared he could be very very angry if that's the fall out). Or her DH could throw her out, and she ends up living with your H. Can you face her taking on a 'step mum' role for your DCs? (While her relationship with your H is still a dirty little secret, that's not going to happen, but once it becomes an official relationship, she might end up with a role in your DCs lives).

However for all that, I still think you should tell her H, just not for revenge, but for his sake. How many more years will this fucked up relationship continue if not? It's been a year since her lover left his wife, yet she's not made moves to leave her H.

Oh, and right now, by knowing but not telling, you are enabling their relationship. You are helping her every day you keep it secret. Do you want to help this woman?

[peggyundercrackers]

katie that made me laugh

yep i would tell - who gives a fuck about dignity and having the moral high ground. I already have all the dignity i need - im not the one sucking/fucking/wanking someone else behind my OHs back.

[MummyBeerest]

Just a thought-the OW's H may already know and be burying his head. I have seen a few relationships like this and, sadly, been in one.

Point being, he may or may not know and someone should tell him if he doesn't, but why does it have to be you?

[practicality]

I'd let him know then disengage as it is up to him what he decides to do with the information. If you can't disengage and will be waiting with baited breathe to see what happens as a consequence- this may not work out and you may not feel avenged.

If it an act of kindness - go for it.

[HahaHarrie]

Tell him - sensitively, by letter as Fairenuff suggests.

Please update us OP what you decide to do.

[missbopeep]

Just a final thought- if the OW has children and if telling her husband means they split and the children are then deprived of a stable family, how would you feel OP?

Would you just shrug and say that's what they all deserve because you have been left ( and not sure if you and your ex have children.)

Or would it be better to stand back, allow the affair to end ( they nearly always do) and their marriage to survive intact, with the children at least having a stable home?

If you really want revenge, then you should be speaking to the OW- not her husband. Using him to get to her is hurtful and just so wrong on so many levels- the ripples of the pond will spread further than you ever intended once you throw the stone in the water.

[practicality]

missbobeep interesting take on stable family............

That was an incredibly presumptuous post.

[missbopeep]

As far as I know my last post used the word if several times. Not presuming anything. If you are making a more general point about whether one parent can offer stability rather than two, or whatever, then you need to spit it out because I'm afraid you aren't very clear.
Anyway- I'm not adding any more. The Op has plenty of opinions here to help her make up her mind.

[DontmindifIdo]

Misspopeep, personally I have a problem with the idea that the op by telling will be the one depriving the ows dcs of a stable home, surely it will be their mother's actions coupled with both parents not being able to work through it that would do that, not the person who told what was going on.

If the ow was worried about her family, is assume even if she started the affair for a little fun, at the point she realised her lovers wife knew and could tell her dh/tell someone else who might tell her dh, she'd have ended the relationship and tried like mad to keep her family safe.

Op, even if you don't tell the ow's dh, at least stop hiding why your marriage has ended, I'd feel no guilt in telling family and friends your h has had an affair with xxx and thats why your marriage has ended. Sooner or later someone will tell him. If its you at least it's sooner and his humiliation is limited.

[WhiteandGreen]

missbopeep have you had an affair?

[LittlePeaPod]

Thats nice. Yeap blame and guilt trip the Op for distroying the family unit if OWs DH finds out she has been putting it out behind his back for 4 years! I am still wondering whether OW thinks about her kids when she lies, sneaks around and gets nailed by another man behind her DHs back .

Anyway this isn't about OW. This is about that innocent man whose been made to look like a fool by his loving and trustworthy wife!

Op don't feel any guilt if you do tell him about the affair. You are the innocent party and so is he. Like you did, he deserves to know the truth. Like others have said, what he does after that is his choice but at least he will be making informed decisions based on the truth.

[JustBecauseICan]

Or to add another scenario to bopeep's and echoing what drastic has said......how would you feel OP if you told the OW's husband and the outcome was that she and your husband lived happily ever after?

Would you be glad you'd done it then? Would that outcome help you heal?

[Mosman]

These couples rarely live happily ever after, I don't think the op should concern herself too much with that scenario. Four years of lies, I'd be taking out a full page ad in the local rag to expose them both. No matter what happens next they brought it on themselves.

[cronullansw]

I was polite earlier, now I'll not be polite....

The OP should not tell, it has absolutely, completely, fuck all to do with her, all you are doing is hoping to cause misery to an innocent person.

FFS, the other husband might be completely and entirely happy with his life, until some spiteful woman decides to fuck it up - for no reason other than personal gain.

Sort your own problems out, leave others alone.

[Tortington]

i would totally fuck their lives up

its not right, it;s not clever. but i would

[Fairenuff]

FFS, the other husband might be completely and entirely happy with his life, until some spiteful woman decides to fuck it up

Yeah, well, his wife's already done that.

[Mosman]

If he's entirely happy with his life this little nugget of info will make no difference at all will it ?

[Mosman]

I do prefer the tell him yourself before I do option though, that would be far more satisfactory

[burstingbaboon]

I would say. Maybe from simple and selfish reason but I would. In that respect, I would like to be told.

[Monty27]

Have you told OP?

[Cluffyflump]

I would find it hard not to tell.
Not because I'm spiteful or want revenge, but because I can't (won't) stand idlley by and let somone be treated like shit when I could do something about it.

The ows Dh is innocent (in this. I have no idea of how good he is generally!) and whilst he probably won't feel like jumping for joy when given the bad news....
It could be in his benifit to know what a duplicitous person his DW is.
She could be planning to screw him over in a divorce -she has form for cold hearted deceipt.

Fudge I wish you well, whatever you decide to do. I know it's massively shit or even