Should I tell the other woman's husband.

[fudgelover]

My husband has been having an affair for at least the last four years. I found out last year. He left when I confronted him. Part of me feels that this man should know what is happening, but another part just wants to make this other woman suffer for what she has done. Would I just cause myself more problems by doing this.

Meh.

In my fairly long experience of Mumsnet and loads of threads posing this question, the people who repeatedly post 'don't tell' and what's more, show a complete lack of empathy for the OP's pain, are the ones who wouldn't have taken too kindly to someone grassing them up to their own husbands about their own affairs.

Just so you can take that into account

So I'm really sorry for your pain OP. It must be a crap situation and I totally get why you want to get some revenge. Like others, I don't particularly see that as a bad thing, plus I can't stand women's righteous anger being called 'bunny boiling' or any such crap adjectives that wouldn't be attributed to a man in the same shoes are you're walking in.

I don't have any strong views either way about whether you should tell him, but maybe get your own motives straight, think about the outcomes you could live with and try to protect all the people who are innocent and unwilling participants in this mess.

If you're going to tell him, do it with kindness and do it personally. He might suspect, he might even know, but there's just as much chance he's oblivious and you're going to give him a shock no-one wants to get. Be kind and show him some compassion, just as you would with anyone who was about to get terrible news. That's humane and that's dignified. Don't expect him to do anything with the info either. That's his call.

Manage your expectations and prepare yourself for the worst outcome, whatever that might be. That could be him doing nothing and turning a blind eye, or your ex and his wife formalising their relationship. Best to remember you are delivering information, but you can't control what people do with it.

I wouldn't be swayed by emotional views about the plight of their children if their marriage breaks up as a result. That's for their parents to manage, just as you can manage the situation if your own kids get to hear about their father's actions. You didn't cause the situation in the first place and neither did their father. Protect your own kids though and recognise there's a risk they'll find out the truth. Personally, I don't hold with lying to kids about why a marriage breaks up as long as the truth is delivered sensitively and kids are allowed to ask questions and form their own opinions- and aren't discouraged from maintaining a relationship with their dad.

If you can't deliver this news personally and you realise you can't live with some of the potential outcomes, it's best to keep your powder dry in my opinion. These things often have a way of unravelling and the truth outed sometimes years down the line.

Alternatively, if you can deliver this information with sensitivity and can live with the outcomes, I wouldn't deter you from it.

Good luck, love.

well if you tell him , she and your ex might get the chance to be properly happy together . people should have the guts to leave an unhappy marriage . but it's never that clear cut, is it?

Leavenheath i just wanted to say, you make some very valid points throughout your entire note and I completely agree with what you say. With regards the small extract from your note below, I would also like to add that in my short time on MN (only joined this year) I too have picked up on this. I have also noticed that some of the same people saying don't tell etc. are some of the same people that come out and strongly defend / support the few women that post threads about their affairs with married men that end up causing the break up of a marriage. I always find that intriguing.

In my fairly long experience of Mumsnet and loads of threads posing this question, the people who repeatedly post 'don't tell' and what's more, show a complete lack of empathy for the OP's pain, are the ones who wouldn't have taken too kindly to someone grassing them up to their own husbands about their own affairs.

I haven't read the thread but I think if I were in these shoes now I would send a letter yes. Because in the past I have felt so taken advantage of that it would be important not to go through feelings of resentment and injustice again. Personally I couldn't wait another few years waiting for feelings of injustice to pass, and letting the ow's husband know would speed up that process. But it's a very personal thing, it so depends.

having read the thread now it seems like the only reason that can be understood here for telling is 'spite'.

Well I think that ignores the damage that feeling used, betrayed and humiliated can do to a person, and to then have to watch the OW's life continue as normal, well the injustice of the situation would stoke all the other crushing weights bearing down on you in those shoes.

By telling I would aim to even out the pain. Offload some. Here take some. That re-distribution of it would feel fairer. I would write the letter so well there would be no doubt in anybody's mind that I was not a bunny boiler, but I guess it depends what you feel you can take and which emotions you know will choke you as you try to move out of the fog. If you can identify that injustice is the emotion that is going to bear down on you the heaviest for the next few years as you try to emerge from the mess, then I'd advise yeh, send a dignified letter and then feel some of the powerless go. You won't know what pans out from that letter, but some of the injustices of the situation will have been equalised.

with those emotions released it is then possible to go and live a good life which is obviously the best revenge but people type "move on!" as though that didn't take two years...

At least she will have done the decent thing and told the man

So it's 'decent' is it to inflict pain on someone out of revenge?
Funny moral code there.
The OP states clearly this is an act of revenge.
Hurting someone else- the OW H- to somehow bring the OW to her knees ( she hopes) is spiteful and the action of someone who is weak.

And as for your comments Leaven- breathtaking arrogance as well as an over active imagination! You have the audacity to pronounce that anyone who thinks it's wrong for the OP to 'tell' must have had an affair themselves? Grow up dear.

Missbopeep, It's not necessarily revenge, that's too simplistic an interpretation.

I'm not arguing that it's always the right thing to do btw.

But if you can throw some of the crushing pain overboard by sending a letter then that is not an action I'd instantly rule out in OP's shoes. It depends. But if you can find that valve, identify it, and let some of the injustice go by sending a short factual letter, then it could be very healing to the OP, and I'd wonder, why not? why deny yourself that opportunity? It depends on the situation though.

Personally, I think you should tell him, for a number of reasons, firstly - he has a right to know. Now, it could be that he already knows, it could be they have an open marriage, or that have come to an agreement to turn a blind eye to her relationship with your H, so you might not get the big explosion in her life you want, but that doesn't change the fact he shouldn't be in the dark (if he is). Remember, it's not a secret now, it's not just the people having the affair who know about it, you know, and I assume there's others who know, it's really really shitty when the spouce is one of hte last to find out.

Secondly, you are currently protecting your H from the concequences of his actions and letting his need to keep it a secret take priority. He has no right to expect this. Keeping it from the DCs is a similar thing. If the affair isn't publicly known about, do your in-laws, friends etc know that the reason he's not living in the family home anymore is because he was having an affair or do they think it's just a general "it's not working out between us?" if so, he might be getting lots of sympathy at being thrown out because you've decided you don't love him. Why shouldn't he be exposed as a cheat?

Thirdly, the OW shouldn't be protected from the concequences from her actions. If you threw your H out a year ago, it's pretty obvious OW has taken the decision she doesn't want to leave her DH, so if forced into a 'him or me' decision, she might well not pick your H. Right now, nothing has changed for her - if anything, your H living outside his marital home has probably just made the OW's life easier - how they can meet up just when she's able to get away, not having to arrange two lots of cover stories. Right now, you know her secret, and she's only able to continue in her lifestyle hoping a random stranger who hates her guts is loyal enough to her to keep her secret. Why do you think you owe this woman loyalty?

But as I said at the top, if you want revenge or a big drama, be prepared you'll probably not get it, if they have an open marriage, or if the DH just says "thank you" and quietly accepts the affair then you might feel a great anti-climax. Don't try to push it or push him. Just contact him (I wouldn't do face to face, as others have said, he could lash out at you) and let him know the facts. Don't make any comment about his W that might trigger him being defensive, don't be emotional, just state facts and then completely leave alone. You might never find out the results of this action, don't contact him again and don't get upset if they end up stronger than before.

Also be aware, your H will definately be angry at you for blowing it all up. He will try to make it your fault that her marriage/family is in trouble, not his and OW's for having the affair in the first place. (I might be tempted to ask the OW's DH to not say how he found out so that you don't have to face that.) Also be aware that if OW's DH throws her out, she might end up living with your H.

I've never been in these exact shoes by the way but at one point I was the traumatised, abused, depressed mother of two small children who needed me. If I could have done something that made me feel less abused, more empowered, less a victim of injustice, then it would have helped me which would have helped me be a better calmer mother to my children, and that should be the oP's priority of course. Think about what will make you be a calmer, less distracted, less irritated mother to your own children

Missbopeep why do you feel Leaven is been arrogant and what makes you think she has an over active imagination? I believe she made it clear her comments were based on her experience on MN and unless you were party to every threads she has read or been involved in over the years then its a bit unfair to accuse attack her of arrogance and an over active imagination. A but unfair i think. We all base our opinions on our differing experiences and moral stance.

Of course it's arrogant and made up to suggest that people who say don't tell are cheating themselves.

I usually say don't tell, and I've never had an affair in my life.

My sister was kindly given a heads up by a well meaning friend that her DP was seeing somebody on the side. Much trauma and heartbreak later, she's back with her DP and guess what, the messenger is now the villain of the piece.

I think that's a fairly standard scenario. People usually do anything they can to rationalise away their partners shit behaviour (blaming OW being the most common in my experience) and blaming messengers is part of that too.

She didn't accuse all 'don't tell' advocates of being cheats.

Just pointed out that many (and in her recall, most) have posted saying that they have been active affair partners.

Whether this is relevant to OP's own consideration of the desirability of covering up adultery is moot anyhow.

I've never seen that but I can't say what she's read. Seems very odd to me though.

She didn't say many or most. She said the ones who... Are the ones who... .

By implication, all of them. Yet I've never once seen that.

I have been on threads were at least a couple of posters on this thread have also been on defending the OW who was in an affair with a married man and the innocent parties had no idea what was going on. So I can see were she's coming from. If it didn't seem so childish I would link this thread to at least one other thread...

What will you do, OP?

I told the OW's H several times and he blanked me. Then it all started to unravel until finally I said to XP, either you tell him or I will. At the time I had in my possession XP's phone and showed the H (at his request) multiple texts including one where OW stated that she would leave her 5 year old DD (with sn) to be with my XP. I then left the 3 of them to get on with what they wanted to do. I knew these people would be metaphorically culled from my life.

I really don't think I was motivated by revenge or wanting to wreak havoc. Without wishing to sound pompous I wanted truth and justice. I absolutely didn't care a flying fig whether I would be blamed as the messenger or thought of as a mad crazy bunny boiler. I had no regard whatsoever what they thought of me. I was more concerned about what I thought of me.

Just as true though to say many of the ops who say tell are ones who have been cheated on themselves and having trouble moving on from bitterness and anger themselves (won't use the bb word!).
Nasty spiteful acts that do, and are designed to, hurt others are just that. Don't dress them up in moral righteousness or disown responsibility for your own actions.

Think, in my experience of MN and many years under many names on relationships it's far more likely that the do-tellers have had partners who have shagged around than that the don't-tellers are shagger-arounders.

DrasticPark- the naivety and disingenuousness of your last paragraph is bewildering. And a load of bollocks.

I think you have to do what will give you the most peace of mind to carry on. If NOT doing it would torment you, then do it, throw that sandbag overboard. Try and do what you need to do to move on and to feel less injured. Moral high ground OR spiteful vengeance, and nothing inbetween/?? There are other motivations besides supercilious sanctimony and spiteful vengeance.

I used to stand in the "dignity" corner of life, stiff upper lip and all that jazz. Bad people thrive on the non sharing of information. Dignity is overrated in a lot of cases. Yes, the messenger can get shot, but in this case you have a trifling man and woman and a husband who is unaware. Whatever your motives, don't lie to yourself about them. Leave the delusion to the affair partners. You owe the ow NOTHING and if the motive is revenge, I blame you not. Again, I used to be "Miss Dignity", pushing down my feelings when people took the piss. You'd be surprised what a quick jerk up does to trifling people. Tell the man. If you are too coward, do it anonymously. What he does with the information is his business. I'd want to know.

That's a bit harsh, JBIC! If you knew the circumstances you might think differently.

Just to clarify my post, I am sure in the same situation I would be banging on the OW's door to tell her husband. Revenge? You bet I'd fucking want revenge. And how. And I'd make damn sure I got it.

I wouldn't be dressing it up as psychogobbledegook though. I'd call it what it is.

DrasticPark, I know what you mean.

Some people will condemn you but in the long run I'm sure you emerged with your self-esteem less damaged because you had integrity and you refused to be the patsy to soak up all the delusion and bullshit. You called time on it and walked away.

I don't think the tells and don't tells are divided by who has been cheated on and who has not been cheated on. I think (maybe) they are divided by who has tried to pick themselves up off the floor and play mom and play happy family with the weight of all those unresolved emotions on their shoulders. That is not easy, and if you can let a bit of it go, and stand up straighter and feel a bit lighter, immediately, then do it. For the sake of your own children.

I know I sounded harsh. I'm sorry. That's why I tried to clarify.

Apologies if I hurt you with my words.