Should I tell the other woman's husband.

[fudgelover]

My husband has been having an affair for at least the last four years. I found out last year. He left when I confronted him. Part of me feels that this man should know what is happening, but another part just wants to make this other woman suffer for what she has done. Would I just cause myself more problems by doing this.

[Chl0e]

justbecauseIcan, that's not how everybody feels though. I would want to feel more empowered, less of a fool. I would want to redress that balance so that I would feel less powerless. I think I could recognise that that was about me, not about the other woman. I think it depends how aware you are, how good you are at labelling your own emotions and recognising what you can let go off, what will help. there could be a benefit to holding on to a moral high ground so that you can eventually feel smug in three years, or, it could be better to throw that sandbag over board and then look at your screaming whinging crying children and feel, ok, I can do this because I am not totally inconsequential, I am not totally powerless.

It depends from person to person. I think it's lacking insight to say xy or z is the moral high ground, or x,y or z is spiteful revenge.

[stooshe]

@drasticpark 9:42. Best comment. Your reason was the reason why I, last year opened a can of worms when I could have been carrying an awful secret for somebody that was worse than an affair. And I still got people saying that I should have kept schtum. I wouldn't have been able to live with myself, if I did. To me it wasn't WHO was right, but WHAT was right. Like you, I didn't give a toss what any of the protagonists thought of me.

[JassyAlconleigh]

I haven't had an affair, but I deal every day with the fallout of damaged families.

I would respectfully suggest that the 'don't tell' people are viewing the situation with a rationality and detachment that allows them to see all the potential harm, especially for the OP, that such a course would do.

In the same spirit of sweeping, ill-informed generalisation, I would suggest that the 'tell him' crowd are hoping for a personally motivated vicarious act of explosive revenge by which they can feel someone, somewhere has stuck it big time to the OW.

Understandable, but please don't claim a revenge fuelled act of spite is a blow for truth and justice. Nobody here, including the OP, is privy to the intimate mechanics of the OW's marriage.

The OP risks more heartache and the possibility of making a fool of herself. That's already been done by her DH.

Let her start to heal.

[Wellwobbly]

I woud tell.

The reason being, when I was in the agonising dark for 2 years (which I would not wish on my worst enemy and I should have hired a PI) I waited and longed for that anonymous call saying 'do you know what your H is doing?' (because my gut TOLD me even though I believed his explanations). Hearing the painful truth is MUCH more preferable to wondering if you are going mad.

The second reason is that these two people are very very selfishly getting their 'feelgood' by manipulating others to maintain a position of advantage. People need to think about this: the advantage is getting the benefits of monogamy - household services, intact family, no financial cost - through lying and deceiving. I agree with Chumplady: infidelity is abuse. It is wrong to treat other people like sh*t.

I don't believe in punishing, but I DO believe in consequences.

Anything that helps a person AVOID their natural and inevitable consequences of the drama THEY CREATED, is ENABLING. We should not shield people from the problems they create.

Follow your gut. Tell him.

[Wellwobbly]

'I don't think you are considering this out of pure altruism for the OW's H- you are doing it as a betrayed wife who wants the OW to suffer and bear some of your pain. It's all about revenge.'

Miss Bopeep, I have had this out with you before, but there you go again! You are telling another person what she thinks and feels, and why she is doing something.

You can't do this! This is controlling, boundary crossing and it could be projecting.
All you can do is listen, and tell her your experiences and then respect her right to think for herself, and make her own decisions.

I say this with respect, so you don't have to retaliate or defend yourself. Just think about it, please.

[VoiceOfRaisin]

Don't get involved. You have no idea what the repercussions will be and someone else's marriage is not your business. Concentrate on your own life :-) Live with dignity.

[missbopeep]

Jassy you put it very well.

I do feel detached and when I read some comments feel I've stumbled into the Jeremy Kyle show, or MN at its worst- a pack baying for blood. It's trashy.

But you know what? In RL I've known several couples where affairs have come to light either through the partners confessing all, or 'well meaning outsiders' spilling the beans. And the outcome? Those couples are still going strong- and in some case are stronger.

So the hope that by telling you will wreak havoc in other people's lives to get revenge ( which you plainly say you want) is often no more than a fantasy.

[missbopeep]

well apart from this post here, I'm not going to engage with you. I don't know who you think you are saying 'you've had this out with me before' and then telling me what to do ( even though you say people shouldn't tell other people what to do!) You've had a warning on this and I won't repeat it here...but just remember.

[Wellwobbly]

I've known several couples where affairs have come to light either through the partners confessing all, or 'well meaning outsiders' spilling the beans. And the outcome? Those couples are still going strong- and in some case are stronger.

This is a very good point. I wish it happened to all people. But it is not a reaction to 'being told' it is a reaction to a crisis event where people decide to grow the fuck up use that pain to grow and resolve the issues where perhaps they had previously used pathologically passive aggressive means 'an affair is the most extreme end of the passive aggressive respond' - J Long (1965).

In other words, through the precipitating crisis they have decided that the cost isn't worth it and learned better ways of being. Nothing to do with the 'telling'.

'In some situations, telling the truth is a revolutionary act' - George Orwell

[JustBecauseICan]

Jassy, that is a superb post.

[missbopeep]

In case anyone missed this or thinks I am trying to speak for what the OP thinks or feels, here it is:

fudgelover Wed 21-Aug-13 22:20:45

Thank you for all the advice. I admit revenge is my main motive.

[Bogeyface]

Thank you for all the advice. I admit revenge is my main motive.

And I said earlier, just because the motivation is a negative one, doesnt make the act itself ie: telling the H, wrong. Whether the OP is motivated by revenge, hatred or honest altruism is irrelevant. The H deserves to know and she is best placed to tell him, he wont care why she told him just that he knows.

[JassyAlconleigh]

The H deserves to know and she is best placed to tell him, he wont care why she told him just that he knows.

What does he 'deserve'? What did the OP 'deserve'? Life is not fair, the sooner anyone accepts that and works within it, the sooner we will all learn that all we can control is ourselves, nobody else, however much we hurt or want revenge for life's unfair messes; our own and those of total strangers, about whom we know absolutely nothing.

As a wise poster noted, it is all getting a bit Jeremy Kyle.

Leave it three months, OP, your priorities and perspectives will change, especially if you stop obsessing about what is done.

And if there are children involved, leave it totally. I guarantee you will regret the fallout you cause.

I wish you peace whatever path you choose.

[Bogeyface]

So because life isnt fair she should just walk away and let this man be played for a fool? Nice attitude. Would you have the same belief if you knew that your DC was being cheated on? Would you tell them? Or would you say that life is shit, not my problem?

[LittlePeaPod]

It's really simple for me.. If my DF was having an affair (regardless of whether it was a ONS or long term) I would want to know. As painful as that knowledge may be. I would want to know so the decisions I would make would be based on truth. On that basis Op if I were in your shoes I would tell OWs husband. Imagine living with someone that is sneaking around behind your back whilst you blindly live a lie. How awful. No doubt I would want to know. I struggle to understand why anyone would not want to know. But we are all different so each to their own I guess.

[drasticpark]

It's really not that cut and dried as to tell or not tell. Everyone is different. I just speak from the experience of being one that did the telling. I did not do it for revenge. If I had wanted revenge I would have done so much worse than that. How can exposing the truth be perceived as revenge? I didn't destroy anyone's family; the affair partners already did that all by themselves. I never sought revenge and I never got it. But my XP and the OW got exactly what they deserved: each other.

[JassyAlconleigh]

Bogey, the only person being played for a fool is the OP if she continues down this path of hollow revenge, egged on by others whose understandable pain is still informing their opinion.

I would hope that my DC, as a married man and father (? Not sure if the OW has DC) would be adult enough to manage his own affairs, wherever and however the dice fall. I do not accept he 'needs' or 'deserves' the outside malignant interference of the OP.

He may be innocent of the affair, he may be accepting, he may be complicit.

My point is that nobody knows and it is merely perpetuating the unhealthy craving for revenge that is driving the call to 'unmask the bitch.'

I have said all I wish to and am bowing out of what sadly has the potential to become a witch hunt.

[MorrisZapp]

Jassy is the voice of reason. OP knows nothing of this man or how he feels in his marriage. He may be an innocent, wronged party. He may be a serial cheater himself. Or an abuser, or whatever.

Who knows.

[Darkesteyes]

Husband stealer? Really Monty? checks calandar. yes its 2013 not 1955

[Darkesteyes]

Jassy brilliant post.

[drasticpark]

I don't think it matters what sort of person the H is. He still deserves the facts. Even if he is an abuser or a serial cheater. That's all irrelevant (to me, any way). Who am I to judge? What he does with the information is his choice.

I wouldn't necessarily advise anyone to do what I did but to all those that say you'll come out with egg on your face, you'll look like a bunny boiler, you'll only feel worse etc etc. - well, no I didn't actually. I've come out of it quite well, I like myself and I regret none of it.

To me, the lies we're the most painful part. And I came away thinking I will not be complicit in anyone else's lies. That is fundamental to who I am. I cannot un-know this information. I have to choose to conceal it or divulge it. There is no middle ground. Believe me, it's not a nice position to be in.

If you saw a colleague (even one that you didn't like or had no loyalty to) being bullied would you say something? Or would you turn a blind eye? Would you say it was none of your business?

[Mosman]

I'd most definitely tell and quickly because the longer you sit on this the more spiteful you'd look.
Apparently the OW owes the wife nothing when she opens her legs, so that I assume works both ways does it not ?

[drasticpark]

I agree with Jassy and others who say that if revenge is your motive then don't do it. But there are other motives. I was not motivated by revenge. I just wanted to rise above it all and feel like it was no part of me. Was I selfish? - yes, I honestly think I was. Spiteful? - no, I really don't think so. I did it entirely for me and how I would feel about myself and had little thought of the consequences for OW. Had I stopped to consider her I would have said nothing because it hastened her freedom from her own crap marriage and she is now free to be with my ex which is exactly what she wanted. And deserved. But that was just a byproduct.