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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you be comfortable with your dp meeting up with an old friend...

178 replies

annabanana84 · 14/05/2013 07:31

...who happens to be female, very pretty and single?

They were good friends throughout childhood, and although they occasionally bump into each other while out shopping etc and say a quick hello, how are you?, they haven't remained in contact. There's never been any romantic history as far as I know.

Now they have arranged to meet up and go for a curry and a few drinks and a great big jolly old catch up, and I feel quite uncomfortable with this. DP doesn't have any female friends he sees out of work or otherwise anyway, he only ever goes out with his few male pals.

OP posts:
Lweji · 14/05/2013 07:36

Why can't you all meet up?

In a similar situation I don't think I'd exclude a partner.

Amrapaali · 14/05/2013 07:38

That's what I thought too.. Why can't you join in? Did DP even invite you?

NumTumDeDum · 14/05/2013 07:41

I think it comes down to whether you trust him or not. If you do then there is nothing to worry about. My dp's best friend is a woman. Is there any other reason - other than the fact she is pretty and single - that you are concerned?

BelfastBloke · 14/05/2013 07:45

I look after the kids when my wife meets up with her male friends, married and single, including ex-boyfriends.

She looks after the kids when I meet up with my female friends, married and single, including ex-girlfriends.

It works because we trust each other.

Loulybelle · 14/05/2013 07:49

I trusted my exp to do this, cue 8 months of lies and then he left me for her.

Lweji · 14/05/2013 07:53

If they had always been great friends, no problem.
The sudden let's meet up would make me wonder, yes.

DoctorAnge · 14/05/2013 08:02

I trust DH so yes. If he wants to cheat he will whatever you put a stop to.

Beatrixpotty · 14/05/2013 08:08

I'd be unhappy about this.DH used to have several single female friends especially when we were first going out and not engaged.At least 3 or them tried to take things further despite me being on the scene and even though I know that he didn't,occasionally I still have to see them socially and I feel like I don't like them because of this.It made me feel insecure in the relationship in case he was giving them "available " signals.Once we got engaged it stopped bothering me & now we are married & have children he would never go out on his own with single women. Obviously some women a man not being married seems to be a go ahead to try their luck.So I understand where you are coming from.

Sugarice · 14/05/2013 08:26

I would be uncomfortable with my dh arranging to meet up alone with another woman for drinks and a meal.

I trust him but I'd still be Hmm about it.

Cravingdairy · 14/05/2013 09:30

I agree with DoctorAnge.

Offred · 14/05/2013 09:58

I agree with belfastbloke and doctorange.

Maybe I have a different perspective on it because I'm bisexual and actually if I was banned from speaking to people because they are gender I might have sex with I wouldnt be allowed any friends.

Fact is if he is going to cheat he will, you cannot micromanage another person's relationships just because you are in a monogamous relationship. Monogamy doesn't mean ownership of their thoughts, feelings or body. It is an agreement only. Cheating is pretty frequent, it may be a genuine worry for you or a problematic jealousy but he has to be able to negotiate his own life and relationships, your role is negotiating yours.

Signet2012 · 14/05/2013 10:02

Wouldn't bother me at all. Dp has several female friends he sees either with me or without me. I don't see them as a threat they know him too well to be interested!!

Maybe I'm naive. It wouldn't occur to me that there would be anything to worry about.

badtasteyoni · 14/05/2013 10:09

I wouldn't like it TBH. I trust DH 100%, but he is a 'blokes bloke' - his friends are men and they get together to talk about rugby, football and more football. He doesn't have any female friends because he's just not that kind of man, if that makes sense. So if he suddenly decided he was going to be friends with a woman (and one I didn't know at all) I would be really surprised, confused and no, I wouldn't like it because it would seem strange.

I don't think it's a trust issue, I think it's more about knowing what is isn't out of character for somebody, and the alarm bells ringing as a result.

BTW - do you know if this woman has only recently become single?

badtasteyoni · 14/05/2013 10:11

Sorry meant 'what is or isn't'...

scaevola · 14/05/2013 10:11

If they've always been good friends, then no reason not too.

But because you're asking, I suspect you're feeling insecure. Do not ignore this feeling. Good friendships can and do spill over into inappropriate ones. It's not a question of intention to cheat at the outset; it's a set of tiny little steps that carry someone beyond what they might actively have decided to do. So taking someone out in circumstances that look like a date might be a problem, whereas meeting up for a pie and a pint in your local, surrounded by people who know you both, might not.

You need to know that your DH has appropriate boundaries, and I suppose that's ongoing relationship maintenance. Has he taken you out over dinner recently?

Nagoo · 14/05/2013 10:17

I'd invite her round my house.

I'm not suspicious of my DH being friends with anyone, but I am uncomfortable that he would have a friend that for some reason he kept away from me.

He's allowed his own friends, of course, but I like to be 'introduced' properly.

Offred · 14/05/2013 10:18

I have three close friends at the moment. 2 of them are male, the female one is the one with the biggest risk of crossing a line because I used have a fairly obsessive crush on her (before I knew DH) but she is straight, recently actually wanting to experiment but I don't think really very genuine, I've cut down the frequency of seeing her because I don't think it is a good plan in the circumstances. Banning me from seeing my male friends who I hang out with at least once a week and am out with, sometimes alone in their homes drinking until 3/4/5am, would only piss me off and make me feel like I was being treated as property rather than an equal with a free choice and the ability to manage my own free choices myself.

I am not sleeping/doing anything with either of the male friends, I have known one of them for around 10 years, if either of us felt like that about each other we could have gone there when we were both single over the years.The other I've only known since last year, jury is out on whether he might get the wrong idea, in the past when that's happened I've just cut the friendship.

I'm a person who has pretty intense friendships with people, when I like someone I really like them and I like seeing people that I like on a one to one basis. I've also always had predominantly male friends. Friday night I was round at the newish friend's house just drinking until 3am (still got up at 6 and went to uni). Saturday the old friend was working in the same city I was going to so we got the train together and met for lunch and then came home together. If I was going to start sleeping with any of my friends I would do it whether or not my husband 'allowed' me to see them. I reckon any kind of prohibition would result in fairly short shrift.

claudedebussy · 14/05/2013 10:20

yes i would trust my dh to do this.

but my dh wouldn't actually do it in the first place. he'd definitely invite me.

the strange part is that you don't seem to be invited?

PeppermintPasty · 14/05/2013 10:22

Is there a reason why you might not trust him, why this concerns you?

Offred · 14/05/2013 10:25

yes, suspicion might be a little dependent on how they normally conduct friendships BUT I don't buy the 'appropriate boundaries' part. It is very paternalistic to assess a partner's ability to run their own life and try to parent them if you think they might be lacking. He has to be able to do this for himself. I don't think a person's autonomy should be restricted in the name of artificially maintaining monogamy.

badinage · 14/05/2013 10:28

I think it depends on whether you're both realistic about the propensity for a renewed friendship turning into something else. Many people aren't and society generally is terribly double-speaking about this. All of us right-on sorts think that having friends of the sex we're attracted to is a Really Good Thing - and it is, as long as people are self-aware enough to know that however content they are in their relationships, no-one is immune from flattery and the ego boost of attractive others finding them sexually attractive. Anyone who says they are immune from all that is a liar, IMO.

Offred · 14/05/2013 10:28

also uncomfortable with the feeling I get from this "why didn't he invite you" which suggests friends have to be submitted for approval. Meeting her will not stop him cheating if he is going to. Pleanty of people setting out on affairs encourage the OW/OM to form a friendship with the spouse as a cover. All these meeting/not meeting, being alone, where they go, what they do things I think are immaterial. Best way to maintain a happy monogamous agreement to me is honesty, communication and the freedom to negotiate your own life for yourself.

Offred · 14/05/2013 10:31

in this situation I think there must problems with all three, why on mumsnet? Why not having this discussion with DP? If there has been a discussion why has it not been reassuring? The friend is not the issue, the primary relationship is the issue to me.

cloudpuff · 14/05/2013 10:33

I'd feel uncomfortable if I am honest,but my dh is very similar to badtastes dh, and it would be out of character for him.

Is this friend someone who he has mentioned often during your relationship or just recently ? Is she recently single? Does DH take you out for dinner? These would all factor in how uncomfortable I would feel.

That said I wouldnt say anything and wish him a goodnight, then Id be suggesting you all meet up together next time, be it dinner at your house or dinner out, if its a genuine friendship then he'd have no problem you two meeting.

TobyLerone · 14/05/2013 10:36

I'd be ok with it. DH often meets up with female uni friends alone or in a group.