Would you be comfortable with your dp meeting up with an old friend...

[annabanana84]

...who happens to be female, very pretty and single?

They were good friends throughout childhood, and although they occasionally bump into each other while out shopping etc and say a quick hello, how are you?, they haven't remained in contact. There's never been any romantic history as far as I know.

Now they have arranged to meet up and go for a curry and a few drinks and a great big jolly old catch up, and I feel quite uncomfortable with this. DP doesn't have any female friends he sees out of work or otherwise anyway, he only ever goes out with his few male pals.

you don't think it is a problem to be in a serious relationship with someone who is looking to break the agreed conditions of the relationship? The problem is the friend being pretty and single? pah...

That's word-twisting if ever I've seen it...

What I've said is that lots of people aren't 'looking to break the agreed conditions of a relationship'. That they delude themselves that having a deepening relationship where there's mutual attraction involved isn't breaking any conditions at all in fact. And that delusion is backed up by the cultural default that all friendships are platonic and A Jolly Good Thing. These are the people who start threads on here and say 'I never intended an affair...it just happened.' Not one of those people starts out on the road to an affair by thinking 'Right, I'm going to break the conditions of my relationship' - just the reverse, they believe the bullshit that all friendships are harmless and that everyone in this pollyanna world of naice people in good relationships always stick to Agreed Boundaries.

Whereas in the Real World of lust, fragile egoes and relationships that are ticking along or going through a bit of a 'meh' phase, or when life's a bit of a trial and this new shiny friend brightens the day, people will continue to get involved with people they shouldn't and get themselves into messes they never really intended.

At no point did I ever say the problem is that the 'friend' is pretty and single. In fact this woman isn't a 'problem' at all. She might be completely disinterested in any romance with the OP's husband, but even in the unlikely event that she wants an affair with a married man, if he doesn't, she poses no risk at all.

I'm pragmatic enough however to realise that the OP believes that her husband is more at risk of being unfaithful with a young attractive woman, than he would if he were meeting up with old Mrs. Peabody who's lived next door to his parents for 40 years but that's his problem and vulnerability - not The Relationship's, not the OP's and certainly not the young woman involved.

It all comes down to him and his boundaries - nothing else.

I'm not saying all friendships are platonic and everybody is platonic. I never have and don't know why you are attributing that to me.

I am saying a spouse banning certain behaviours has no positive effect on those normal and inevitable things. Those normal and inevitable things happen anyway unless your spouse never goes out anywhere or speaks to anyone else. they happen whether a friend is single or married, pretty or ugly, whether you see them alone or in a group, they happen no matter what the state of the relationship. It is therefore not pragmatic to ban certain types of things. There is no point because if in your relationship you have already got to the point of worrying about the prettiness of a friend then there is either a problem with your own insecurity, your compatibility or your partner's commitment/honesty. That is a problem with the relationship.

I simply think there isn't enough info in the OP to reliably conclude which is going on here.

I'd be a jibbering wreck if I took on so much pointless responsibility for someone else's behaviour.

*everybody is Pollyanna.

Oh and Cory I really agree with that bit about it not being a foregone conclusion that the OP's husband will find the old mate attractive, or her him, or that 'looks' matter very much at all in the grand scheme of things.

If there's one thing that initially baffled me about the scrapes a few mates have got into with blokes who weren't a patch on their husbands, either in looks or personality, it was what on earth they saw in these (pretty crummy) OM. They wouldn't have looked twice at them if they'd been single.

What I learned was that it was all about the OMs being there and being interested in them - not that the blokes themselves were that great. I once said quite bluntly to a mate that if Frankenstein himself had given her all the old patter about her being a Goddess Amongst Women, he'd have got lucky

Besides who'd actually want a partner who only didn't cheat because they were being guarded by you! I'd rather they did make a transgression and then handled it honestly and respectfully than made me their policeman.

OP didn't ask if she should 'ban' anything though.

She asked if others would feel uncomfortable about it, like she did.

Most reasonable people said if she felt uncomfortable, she had the right to say so. But that it was then up to her husband what he did after that.

That's all.

I agree with your assessment from recent personal experience - wholeheartedly trusted my OH with female friends through his work - not knowing them in any way not even their names in some cases but, post affair, I have found that it is the ones not mentioned that are more likely the problem and, in the midst of the routines of life, setbacks, unhappiness, people can cross the boundaries and if reciprocated, end up in much deeper than they anticipated using these friendships for a mutual ego boost - "If I were single, I'd definitely be interested etc"...In my view both participants equally guilty of upsetting Pollyanna - me! as well as creating their own upset and the acutely painful problem of how all then move forward with life on a scale of a little bit to much worse. Why the OP's partner is telling her? maybe that he is looking for her permission (is she his mum?) or thinking by telling her it's not deceitful (self deception) but it needs to be talked about honestly.

Nope, I would have no problem with this whatsoever, because I trust my DP.

I have never and will never understand why some people think that men having female friends (or vice versa) means something sinister. If someone's going to cheat, they will cheat. What their friends have in their pants has nothing to do with that.

No I wouldn't be uncomfortable with this.

I don't think trust in a partner is the real issue here though. Affairs still happen even if a partner trusts or distrusts.

What is the issue I think is that individuals trust themselves too much...and it's trust that's often quite unfounded.

Is it relevant that she is "pretty and single" because it would be OK for a DH to have an evening with an old friend who was married and a bit of a minger?

What DadOnIce said.

My BIL is my closest male friend. His ex was much more comfortable with him spending time alone with me when I weighed 18 stone than when I lost half of that. Funny that, eh?

She was batshit anyway, but that was ridiculous.

I repeat, if a partner is going to cheat, they will cheat. The chances of this happening will not be reduced by restricting their access to innocent friendships.

The OP hasn't been back for some time. The one that posted about her situation and her feelings. Have you lot noticed that, at all ?

Sort of very unfunny how the OP was just taken as a general debate about others situations, not hers.

Indeed, and not just a "general debate", more of a "look how cool I am and how much trust there is in my relationship" grandstanding attempt on some poster's parts

the OP is long gone, so I am as guilty of sticking around as everyone else, but at least I am still thinking of her in my responses

not sure that is the case generally here

That's not what's bothering you, though, is it AnyFucker? If the replies all agreed with you, you wouldn't give a shit that people were posting about their own relationship, rather than specifically considering the OP's.

Here is your first reply.

"Would I be a bit non plussed at my husband going on a date with an ex ?

You betcha, I would"

Why is that any more considerate of the OP's situation than, say, this one?

"I'd be absolutely fine with it. I wouldn't expect to be invited. He's entitled to his own friendships."

Not that there is anything wrong with posting about your situation personally. The title of the thread asks "Would YOU be comfortable with YOUR DP...?" Despite your attempt to dismiss opposing replies as people trying to look cool, not every reply on every thread is going to agree with you.

Badlad, did you read the follow up to my first reply?

If you are going to quote me, at least do it properly

To be fair, the OP asked "Would you be comfortable with your dp meeting up with an old friend", which rather invites yes or no answers.

Has the op been back to the thread at all? How can you actually have anything other than a general debate in that case? Especially after 7 pages without any further input....

I think it's pretty shitty to read in "look how cool I am" I'm simply trying to live my life in the way I choose without constantly being judged and guarded as though I am some scarlet woman for daring to have male friends that I am close to. Apart from anything it doesn't make any logical sense and actually it is quite harmful to me as a person and my marriage to be constantly put on the defensive about how I actually just am and have always been. I have had close male friends since I was a small child. I think people should get over it.

I've given specific answers at the start. If the op is feeling uncomfortable that's more likely to be because of the relationship with her DP than because of someone else's looks/marital status.

Surprised v. Much that you'd support such sexism as has been seen on this thread AF.

And I'm surprised at your input to this thread Offred, which has been more like a personal diary than a help to the OP. It's as though your own personal struggle about friendships has completely blinded you to an individual woman's plight, or the context surrounding it.

Normally your posts are supportive of women in relationships where they are being mistreated by their partners. The people who've read this OP's other threads indicated early on that they could well understand how in her case an evening out with another woman might be unsettling, because of her partner's pre-existing behaviour and personal character.

Do you really think that for a woman in a situation like that, it could possibly help her to read posts inferring that she was controlling and paranoid for even feeling uncomfortable?

Or that long posts about a completely different marriage involving completely different characters, will give her any insight into dealing with her own troubles?

Or that it's fair or kind when despite her never once saying in her short post that she wanted to 'ban' the meet-up, this action was unfairly attributed to her?

The only sexism I can see on this thread are those posts that tried to persuade her to swallow any discomfort she had and which tried to cast her as a hysterical, paranoid and jealous woman. All written within a political context of women being told constantly that they must be cool about shitty male behaviour if they want to remain in relationships with them.

You normally see that context Offred and rally against it.

On this thread I think you've allowed a personal struggle of your own to get in the way of your normal compassion and good sense, Offred.

Agree with everything that Badinage has said.

This was so much the case with regards to dp's infidelities.

It was all about him though and old friendships being reignited at a vunerable time in our relationship.

The only difference really was that I didn't know he was meeting up with old friends which paints another picture really.

But in answer to the OP's original question I probably wouldn't be comfortable with this situation as it stands but that's to do with what's gone on in my own relationship and nothing to do with me being overly jealous or controlling.

Er...I don't know the OP. She asked a question. I answered it. I am not trying to show off about how cool I am. I do find the prevailing attitude on MN towards male-female friendships quite odd, especially the tendency to describe going out to drink/eat as a 'date'. And I don't think I am putting up with 'shitty male behaviour' in thinking it's fine if my partner wants to meet a friend. Oh, and I am a nosey cow who'd be delighted to catch up with a childhood mate.

I am on my phone in my lunch hour so I shall very gratefully just type "what badinage said"

Up until 3 months ago I would have said I had no problem with male/female friendships. I was totally "cool" with DP having a close friendship with a woman we knew. They had a lot in common (a mutual disabilty for one) and I totally encouraged it as they could really get where the other was coming from IYSWIM

Then I find out that actually they had been having an EA for 2 years which ended up being physical. There is no way I would ever again allow such a close friendship with a woman to develop.

There is nothing wrong with meeting up with this woman as a couple is there?

The only sexism I can see on this thread are those posts that tried to persuade her to swallow any discomfort she had and which tried to cast her as a hysterical, paranoid and jealous woman.

I've not seen any of that. I have however seen posters try to express that being in a relationship with a man who makes you feel that way is not a good thing.

Nobody should feel "hysterical, paranoid and jealous". Nobody. If they do then they need to look at their relationship and try to establish just why they feel that way.

There are myriad reasons for feeling jealous, not least of which is being with an arse of a partner.

I'm not smug. There's plenty that isn't great between my partner and I tbh. Just not this.