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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you be comfortable with your dp meeting up with an old friend...

178 replies

annabanana84 · 14/05/2013 07:31

...who happens to be female, very pretty and single?

They were good friends throughout childhood, and although they occasionally bump into each other while out shopping etc and say a quick hello, how are you?, they haven't remained in contact. There's never been any romantic history as far as I know.

Now they have arranged to meet up and go for a curry and a few drinks and a great big jolly old catch up, and I feel quite uncomfortable with this. DP doesn't have any female friends he sees out of work or otherwise anyway, he only ever goes out with his few male pals.

OP posts:
Offred · 14/05/2013 10:38

see cloudpuff my friendships are just friendships but I don't really want DH hanging out with them, he has, they've both been to the house occasionally and we've been out together but this was reluctantly because DH and I have very different tastes in friends, we both think each other's friends are idiots and have no wish to hang out with them. We both feel the time with each other's friends is a bit ruined if the other one is there because there is tension because of the dislike. It isn't always about cheating, although often it may be. Fundamentally I would not want to get involved in a stopping my partner from cheating dance. I'd rather he cheated tbh.

scaevola · 14/05/2013 10:40

I would see maintaining appropriate boundaries as the responsibility of both.

And if the partners have freely promised monogamy, both work to maintain that. Of course, if you do not want to be monogamous, you do not have to be, and that is also part of setting and maintaining boundaries which work for the relationship you choose to be in.

If OP is insecure in these circumstances, then both she and DH need to work together to change that.

RooneyMara · 14/05/2013 10:40

I'd think it was a bit odd that they were going out with each other, no one else, and for a full dinner and drinks sort of thing.

That would suggest having an awful LOT to talk about, rather than just a catch-up drink iyswim?

I think that's why I'd be slightly concerned. Unless there is a recent issue, perhaps with a mutual friend of theirs which warrants such a big deal type of discussion?

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 14/05/2013 10:43

OP how many posts are you going to make today about your 'D'P? You clearly aren't happy in your relationship, why don't you cut your losses and move on?

FWIW I wouldn't mind DH doing this. There are old male friends I have that I would love to have a catch up with. I would be Hmm if DH was going to try to stop me on grounds of suspicion/jealousy or whatever.

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper · 14/05/2013 10:44

Exactly the same as claude - I'd trust my DH, but, he wouldn't do it; he'd invite me along too.

He has a couple of very good women friends, and has always included me in the friendships. As a result I've become really good friends with them as well.

Handled brilliantly by everyone, all open and welcoming, and as a result, no ill-feeling in the slightest.

This is what is lacking for the OP.

cloudpuff · 14/05/2013 10:55

I see your point offred Me and my DH have different tastes in friends too, I think his mates are mostly wankers and he thinks my mates are crazy and wouldnt want to hang out with any of them, I have met them all though, and in certain situations I can spend time with them (weddings etc). If dh had had female friends when we first got together, I would have met them too, I may not have liked them, but I would have met them. and they would have been in dhs life all along. I think that the problem OP is having.

OP doesn't say how long she has been with her dp, but she does say there has been no contact between her dp and friend other than a "hello, how are you" when they bump into each other in town. I can see why she feels uncomfortable but I wouldnt put a stop to it, if I felt dh was hiding something then I guess we'd have bigger issues.

I guess I was trying to say that if her dh is open about the friend then he wouldnt mind his wife meeting her, I can see how that looks like friend vetting though.

Offred · 14/05/2013 10:58

yeah, obviously both people have to maintain the monogamy but I don't think that inculdes the banning of friendships or visiting certain people or the submission of friends for approval. What that means is each having responsibility to manage your own behaviour in a way which respects your other half. What is the point in the relationship if you have got to the stage of banning friends so the other person doesn't have the opportunity to cheat? That doesn't work apart from anything else. A cheater will cheat whether they are allowed out or not, whether their friends meet their spouse or not, they will simply do it because their boundaries or beliefs allow them to. You, as the spouse have no control over this and have to be realistic but also strong in asserting your own needs and feelings but not to the point where you are treating your partner as property and not as an equal.

Lweji · 14/05/2013 10:59

I wouldn't vet, as I don't think a partner should do that ever, but I'd certainly keep my eyes firmly open.
As I would about nights out with the boys only.

Trust is one thing, blind trust is another.

Offred · 14/05/2013 11:00

I haven't read the other threads but I do think, even just from this one, it isn't the friend that is the problem it is the quality of the primary relationship. This kind of problem doesn't arise if things are open, honest, communication is good and there is trust unless I suppose one partner is paranoid and unfoundedly jealous.

unapologetic · 14/05/2013 11:15

I think it's ridiculous to be honest. There is no need to pick up with former friends of the opposite sex that you haven't kept in touch with over the years. You/they are being very naive if you think there is nothing in it or that there won't be in the future. I bet they both feel a little 'frisson' of excitement already.

I am currently single and am constantly being asked by a married male friend to go out for the evening. When I did finally relent (didn't really want to go,) he made a pass at me and basically admitted he was looking for a bit on the side.

Thinking about it, every male 'friend' I have ever had has made a move (except the gay ones.)

badtasteyoni · 14/05/2013 11:41

unapologetic I think you said what I was thinking really but I tried to be less blunt Grin

badinage · 14/05/2013 11:50

Some really daft myths being touted here IMO, such as it's the relationship that's a problem, or it's the OP's jealousy and paranoia that's the problem. I'm surprised we haven't yet had the OP told that it's no problem as long as her husband isn't a cheat, as though people get branded as such at birth Wink

Good people in strong relationships cross the line more often than people on here seem to think. They don't want to lose their primary relationship, they don't set out with the intention of having an affair and there is usually a slow build up to these things involving blurred boundaries.

scaevola · 14/05/2013 12:01

offred

I think we're at cross purposes about what 'maintaining boundaries' means. It most definitely isn't about controlling a spouse, or banning activities. It's about the ones own boundaries - something that several posters here have described in terms of "I do this, and it's not an inappropriate friendship because of XYZ" which boils down to "I am like this with my friends and like that with my spouse". Their boundaries are automatic, and reserve certain intimacies for their spouse.

Fuzzy boundaries between close friendship and deeper intimacy can lead to tipping over into potential affair territory. the sort of affair which leads to cries of "but I never meant it to happen".

And I agree with posters who talk about communication between the primary partners as vital. If there is not openness about good, bad and ugly there then the potential to overstep with someone else, on the justification of a perceived lack of it at home.

Offred · 14/05/2013 12:01

Obviously good people in good relationships cross various lines very often. That's a fact of life. I'm simply talking about responses and management of that fact. Completely unreasonable/unrealistic to think you can stop a partner cheating by meeting their friends or control whether they ever end up in a dodgy situ by controlling where they go and what they do.

Good people in good relationships talk to each other for reassurance, don't reach a stalemate and come on mumsnet feeling they want to ban behaviour of their partner. I don't think the OP IS jealous, I think the relationship is probably crap.

Off to read the other threads which have been alluded to.

AnyFucker · 14/05/2013 12:05

Would I be a bit non plussed at my husband going on a date with an ex ?

You betcha, I would

Offred · 14/05/2013 12:09

meh, she's not an ex. they've never been together. They're childhood friends. The OP says she is worried because this girl is pretty and single... I object a little to the implication there...

AnyFucker · 14/05/2013 12:11

Ah, my mistake.

Floggingmolly · 14/05/2013 12:16

What prompted the big meet up, when they've known each other from childhood but haven't remained in contact?

Offred · 14/05/2013 12:19

from the other threads this guy sounds a real prize anyway and you OP come across as unconcerned by his treatment of you as a servant in other ways.

Ex or not, pretty and single or not, seeing each other alone or not, is he actually setting this up as a date? That's the problem... him. treating you like a domestic servant and setting up a date with someone else or at least giving you that impression and you feeling unable to talk about that with him.

If she really is a friend and they really are meeting as friends and he is genuinely committed to you her being pretty and single is not going to cause his cock to fall into her while they eat a vindaloo.

Offred · 14/05/2013 12:20

think people underestimate greatly the protection ugliness and marriage affords when affairs/dishonesty is on the cards...

AnyFucker · 14/05/2013 12:21

I shan't bother to do a search for other threads by this lady

It will be too depressing, I expect < sigh >

CogitoErgoSometimes · 14/05/2013 12:22

I lost my exH to his old school girlfriend who was the polar opposite of very pretty ... :) The day he told me they'd met up again ('by accident' on a train) I got a bad feeling about it but ignored it because I trusted him . I think, if you feel uncomfortable or insecure about anyone your DP is meeting, you're perfectly entitled to say so.

EuroShaggleton · 14/05/2013 12:24

It wouldn't bother me, tbh. I trust my husband. And frankly, if someone wants to cheat, they will find a way to do it. Depriving them of one opportunity will have no effect.

Offred · 14/05/2013 12:25

that was sarcy btw... forgot the Hmm! ha ha!

Viviennemary · 14/05/2013 12:26

No I wouldn't be. I think you should be invited to join them. I don't think people with partners should be going on 'dates' with friends of the opposite sex.