DH's gift to OW

[madgered]

Tell me what you think. My DH gave OW a £250 bracelet for Christmas. I saw a text he sent saying; "Hi gorgeous. Happy Christmas x". He says it was just a flirtation and nothing sexual happened. He says they met a couple of times for lunch and spoke on the phone quite a lot. What would you think if you were me?

[madgered]

Very tricky situation and you're right we both need to grow up.

it's been 3 weeks since I discovered his affair and emotions are still running high for both of us. I don't think he's seeing her anymore, so he's got stuff to deal with too. I don't want to get back together with him because it will be mental self flagellation.

I know you're worried about the DCs, but I can promise you the house is calm. we avoid each other and no longer communicate unless necessary. I've blocked him on my email. he gets the message that his behavior is unacceptable. if I'm in the kitchen he'll go into the sitting room and play with the DCs. when dinner is ready he tells them he's got a bit more work to do. if he goes out I babysit and vice versa.

we can't move into the other properties because there are tenants living in them. DH works from home and our home is close to the DC school. We have both been advised by our solicitors to stay put.

it is a lot to put up with.

[badinage]

A calm house is still one with a dreadful atmosphere. Just because you're not throwing things at one another and shouting, doesn't mean it's not an oppressive environment for children. They must be completely torn about what's going on.

If he still wants a divorce, yes he is still seeing the OW. I don't know why you need to think otherwise.

Why don't you use the e mails as evidence of abuse if you want to get him out?

I fully appreciate that this is still unbelievably new and raw to you, but if you honestly intend to co-exist like this until the divorce, it will damage your children. It will further damage you too, but you and he have choices and your kids don't.

Please consider a civil conversation with your husband about him moving out for the sake of the children and if that doesn't work, use the abusive e mails as evidence.

[IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt]

I lived with my xh for a year whilst he had an affair. I didn't realise the affair was going on for most of that year but it was a strange and awful year. When he left it was an incredible relief and I realised how strange the home had become. There was no shouting or arguments in the house, just an odd atmosphere where in the end each member of the family became quite isolated and odd.

XH stayed in the home for that year for a variety of reasons. In retrospect I do think it would have been much better for everyone for him to have gone much much earlier.

Three weeks is no time at all. What you will think at three weeks is way different to 2 months, 4 months, 8 months...I think he needs to go quickly ideally but I can see it's difficult to make that decision now and it could take a while to get to that point.

[madgered]

yes I really want him to leave. but he flat refuses. the law cannot help me. I've spoken to my solicitor about this and he said there is nothing we can do unless I am physically threatened.

[badinage]

Have you shown the solictor the E mails? If you have and he still said there was nothing you could do, then change your bloody solicitor, because this one's a dud.