DH's gift to OW

[madgered]

Tell me what you think. My DH gave OW a £250 bracelet for Christmas. I saw a text he sent saying; "Hi gorgeous. Happy Christmas x". He says it was just a flirtation and nothing sexual happened. He says they met a couple of times for lunch and spoke on the phone quite a lot. What would you think if you were me?

[comingintomyown]

madgered I am so sorry you are going through this

My XH left 3 years ago with an OW lurking in the mix after 17 years together and I was heartbroken for a while. I am so glad I wasnt on MN then listening to people telling me to move on, forget therapy,get to a solicitor immediately etc.

It took 3 months before I was ready to go to a solicitor and start thinking in legal terms.

I spent a lot of time reading self help stuff, saw a therapist basically did everything in my power to move on but it took time and patience with myself.

I was more or less a SAHM for 15 years and knew in my mid forties I would have to get back to work and fend for myself.

I did some back to work type courses including a decent level computing course and getting my maths GCSE .

I am back working FT this past 18 months in a low paid job but knew I had to start somewhere.

Its been a journey with some real ups and downs but once we had moved house, sorted our finances and I began my new life I am actually happier than I had been for some years in my marriage.

The early months are very difficult though and unless someone has been through it themselves they have no conception of how hard it is

[madgered]

comingintomyown Thank you for your positive post. It's a relief to hear from so many others that they are happier than they were towards the end of their marriages.

[MatureUniStudent]

I take exception to Lemon - you have stayed at home and worked hard to bring up your children, ensuring and facilitating your husband's career.

Teenagers need support and help. They don't suddenly not need you and teenager years are rocky. Furthermore it is a good investment for the future of our society, if you can afford, and choose to stay at home to finish the child rearing. It sounds as if you can afford it, as you spoke of selling other properties. It most certainly is not sponging off your ex h - jobs are impossible to find these days, he has one, and a good one, thanks to your unstinted support at home. It left him free to forge his career.

For your own self, and brain - take a course, go part time in college, do anything that might help you at a later date, if you need to get a job.

But I fail to see Lemon's point of view, that suddenly, by virtue of a divorce and no easy job to just magically step into, that you are sponging off your husband. Far better you sponge off him than have to claim benefits. It means society dosen't have to pay for your divorce.

[comingintomyown]

Agree Mature I chose to ignore her nasty tirade

[winterdays]

Be kind to yourself.
Get all the support you can from friends - most people want to help
Don't listen to negative comments - some people have their own past baggage they are still carrying - like us all in some ways.
Counselling and self help books can be great help - certainly helped me.
I was so unhappy when my husband had an affair after many years of marriage.
I described it as a fog I couldn't see out of but now further along the line I am very, very happy and have grown in ways I would not have thought possible before the divorce.
Go on courses if you are up to it - especially fun or creative ones - choose something you have always wanted to do and go for it.
Schedule in special time and activities to do with each of your children beyond the usual.
It will get better - thank god I have a great life now and I know you will

[madgered]

thank you so much your kind words mean a lot to me ladies.

[Abitwobblynow]

madge I am in exactly your boat SAHM etc.

But my H has admitted in writing he wouldn't be where he was without me.

What is your H doing/saying now? Does he want out? Or was he looking for a bit on the side?

[Abitwobblynow]

(My H does NOT want a divorce and ended things with OW immediately, so this complicates things for me as I am stuck with devastation and hurt but someone who wants to carry on as though it were a 'mistake'. So it is my hurt feelings v the kids, model of my parents sticking it out, people around me sticking it out, cost of divorce etc. Very hard to work out what to do)

[sassy34264]

at lemon

If she had only been married 1 or 2 years and was still in her 20's, i might have some understanding with your pov. But she has been out of work for 22 years. He made the decision with her to give their children a sahm. Why should the 2 youngest lose out now because he's an old fool? It's bad enough they will not experience a mum and dad together (esp the 5 year old) without having to spend hours at a childminders before and after school, when they don't need to, just because some people think it's morally wrong to take spousal support.

I'm firmly of the opinion that you would only be getting the money owed to you, for child minding, cleaning, ironing, gardening, etc over the 22 years.

I wouldn't let society force me into taking a job over bringing my children up, when they're not even fucking paying for it! Ignore ignore ignore.



And i think if he's got a spare £250 to spend on some floozy, he can ensure his children get the best possible life from the circumstances/fallout.

[madgered]

[Abitwobblynow] Sorry to hear you're going through heartache xoxo

Sounds like your H is genuinely sorry and loves you very much. You have something to work on, if your heart and gut tell you it's the right thing.

My H def wants to leave me. Because I'm horrible don't let him see his friends etc, etc. I won't believe that because I know I'm not perfect but I'm also not all of those things all of the time. I've asked him many times if he's sure that's what he wants and everytime, he says yes, it's what he wants. It's what I want too now after all these revelations.

He still absolutely denies anything went on. I don't believe him. He says he isn't in touch with her anymore. I don't believe him. He shows no remorse whatsoever.

We no longer speak to each other, other than arrangements for children. Our home is large enough for us to avoid each other.

I still cry and obsess about what happened. But I know in my heart I will be happier without him. I am just so gutted that my family unit has been destroyed by his Midlife crisis. For that is what it is. He's followed the script word for word.

Keep well and lots of love to you.

[MadAboutHotChoc]

I am not saying its morally wrong to take spousal support - but the reality is that OP will need to look at developing her own skills, experience and knowledge so that she is in a good position to re enter the job market when her DC are old enough.

I am in full agreement that she needs to get everything she is entitled to from her H although I would be surprised if she will be able to claim maintenance after her DC have reached the age of 18...

[MadAboutHotChoc]

Sounds like your H is genuinely sorry and loves you very much.

I don't see anything to suggest this?

[sassy34264]

madaboutchoc

She said she will be in her 60's when the 5 year is 18.

Not directed at you mad just general musing-

Perhaps they should sign an agreement stating he shall work, whilst she gives up her chance of career, high earnings etc to look after the children, not until they are all 18, but until he decides that it no longer suits him?

I don't doubt that some women take on courses, meet new people, find a job they love, get independence and freedom from entering the work place. My point isn't that she shouldn't (if she chooses to), it's that she shouldn't be forced by society who view her input only relevant when they are a mum and dad unit. WTAF!

Maybe i have too much faith that a man would want to keep the status quo for the sake of his children.

[MadAboutHotChoc]

And also spousal maintenance is said to be very unusual nowadays. Thought OP would be in her 50s when youngest is 18?

As for expecting a man to support his ex & DC - have you seen the threads on here where the cheating lying husband goes back on all his promises to support his family? This is also seen in my RL - e.g my DH's father walked out leaving them all penniless despite promises to look after them and the same goes for ex BIL who is very difficult about paying up thanks to OW pulling all the strings....

Also what happens if the ex dies? how will OP support herself then?

[Ormiriathomimus]

Jeez lemontree! What a vile post. Just what the OP needs - kicking when she's down

FWIW I have always been a WOHM. Not entirely through choice. But if both H and I chose for me to stay home I would have done without any guilt at all.

So sorry OP

[sassy34264]

Yes, unfortunately mad i have seen them. It's bloody tragic. I also know first hand that they don't. I have had a conversation/musing with DP about how there are hardly any good male role models among our family and friends, and we came to the startling conclusion that all those that had a good relationship with their dad (2) - were ALL still married to their mum. Bringing me us rightly or wrongly to the conclusion that the mum picks up his slack.

Disclaimer- based on our friends and family- not the whole world.

I am a sahm and wouldn't get a job just on the off chance that dp might die. ??

Wouldn't she have the money from half the assets/houses?

[sassy34264]

Should say (3) not (2)

[Numberlock]

sassy I know your comment is only based on your circle of family/friends but I'm putting forward the case for some divorced dads being good role models. Me and my ex-husband have been divorced for 10+ years and we've had our 3 sons 50-50 split ever since. Happy to help each other out when work requires us to swap days etc. (No maintenance/child support payments given on either side if that makes any difference.) I like to think that we are both good role models for our boys, despite not living together.

I agree with you though - sadly my dating experiences tell me this is far from the norm but I'm aware of cases where this is due to blame on both the mum and dad's side.

I am a sahm and wouldn't get a job just on the off chance that dp might die

Death is an extreme example - there are lots of other scenarios where one parent/partner can have reduced earning capacity, either temporarily or permanently.

In terms of employment, obviously the OP should do whatever she feels most comfortable with and is best for her family. And the thought of any big change can be scary. But work (paid or voluntary, part-time or full-time) could open up a new world of opportunities for her so it's definitely worth considering now her circumstances are about to change.

[Abitwobblynow]

Choc - me too! Ha ha!

Madge, if he does he has a VERY funny way of showing it

This stuff is so hard. Mid Life Crisis affairs tend to be either exit affairs or split self affairs.

With an exit affair there is nothing you can do. He wants out and that is it.

My H's was a split self affair. He hid it VERY well (the level of his cunning was ) and when I started talking about ending it would be nicer to me to give me hope.

So although my gut was screaming at me that there was someone, I genuinely thought I was dealing with his depression.

And that is what his IC focusses on: his depression .

So if you absolutely don't want to d yet in the hope that he comes to his senses, you could manage it by arranging a 2 year separation? Then live as though he is never coming back.

[Abitwobblynow]

I forgot to add after my - even depressed people have morals and know right from wrong

[madgered]

I'm convinced his is an exit affair. He's adamant he wants a divorce.

[numberlock] Explain to me how the 50-50 childcare works. H wants that. I'm not so convinced.

[MadAboutHotChoc]

50:50 is when DC live with you half the week and with him the other half. This includes all school holidays and weekends. Specifics will need to be agreed between you both but I would ensure that you both get equal amounts of child free weekends.

However, in many cases 50;50 child access do not work out because the father realises that he has to fit his working hours around the DC and do half the mundane routine tasks. Its amazing how often they demand 50;50 child access at the start and quickly backtrack....

[lemonstartree]

I'm sorry I have upset so many people, It was not my intention. FWIW I am neither bitter nor unkind, angry or judgemental.

I agree that the OP should seek advice asap about her legal rights and position wrt child maintinance and spousal support.

I was trying to point out that EXPECTING that your life will remain unchanged in the event of a divorce is (almost always) completely unrealistic. Even if you are the higher earner and were divorced because your OH was a drug addict and child abuser, you will still end up significantly poorer than if you had not divorced. That is reality. So for OP to imagine that her intention to be a SAHP and housewife for ever will be supported by her STBXH is likley to be unrealistic.

That is all.

In that circumstance, I think advising the OP that she may be required to seek employment is neither unhelpful nor unkind.

[madgered]

hotchoc I hope he realises that in my case. Bit up and down for the DC's I would imagine.

lemonstartree Don't worry hun. You're entitled to your opinion and I've taken your advice on board. It is a sobering thought and I'm glad you pointed it out.

[houseelfdobby]

lemon I am not sure you realise what the world was like 22 years ago if you had babies - you were basically forced out of the work place if you were in a professional career (eg in the city). I had no maternity rights with my oldest as I had been in the job less than 24 months and had no job to go back to, and minimal rights with my second (I found a new job when DD1 was 8 weeks old) for the same reason except the law had suddenly given me the right to my job back. I was then forced out of my job after DD2 as the company said "they would not employ any women at all" if we insisted on maternity leave and I was simply not well enough to return to work after 3 weeks (yes, I did sue them but that basically made me unemployable afterwards so wasn't worth it).

Also, if a couple mutually agree for one to be a SAHP, the responsibility that the other gradually takes on (and certainly after 22 years) is to finance the SAHP. I earned more than my DH before DC, now, 20 years later, I would be lucky to earn 5-10% of what he does. My going back to work would be a nonsense (I manage our investments at home, possibly like the OP as she mentions a property portfolio). It is NOT a sense of the WORLD owing the OP a living - it is her STBXH who owes her a decent old age as she has used up the best years of her life bringing up his DC at his request (I assume). All the very richest couples I know make the decision for ONE to be a SAHP as a mega job requires domestic back up. I include a lot of women with high flying jobs that I know.

I would agree with you lemon if the OP were proposing to rely on benefits - everyone has a duty not to burden the taxpayer unless they absolutely need to - but she and her DH had a deal and now it's his turn to come good on it.

BTW if you are in fact very wealthy, OP, then a £250 bracelet could well be just an affectionate token. I often spend that on my friends' presents and they are not lovers!!