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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH's gift to OW

181 replies

madgered · 17/01/2013 19:48

Tell me what you think. My DH gave OW a £250 bracelet for Christmas. I saw a text he sent saying; "Hi gorgeous. Happy Christmas x". He says it was just a flirtation and nothing sexual happened. He says they met a couple of times for lunch and spoke on the phone quite a lot. What would you think if you were me?

OP posts:
ProphetOfDoom · 17/01/2013 20:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sunnysss · 17/01/2013 20:42

poor you. do you know the ow? what has he said?

SomethingProfound · 17/01/2013 20:43

So Angry for you!

This is such a horrid betrayal, I agree with others if he is spending that kind of money on her then its an affair.

Don't let him try and talk his way out of this, you deserve better.

I hope your ok Madgered,

Xales · 17/01/2013 20:44

What I think?

Did the box and the bracelet come from the same place?

Sounds like he may have spent ages shopping for the perfect gift for the person he really cares about and threw in a box for the person he had to buy a present for while in there.

I can't think of many reasons a married man would spend that much on a woman the only had a little flirtation with...

scottishmummy · 17/01/2013 20:54

ok,so ignore the kick his nuts,nail the bastard.usual mn hyperbole
do get practical, keep any collateral evidence texts,receipts if from joint account
if you chose to instruct solicitor it all useful. what a ghastly situation.are you ok?

OpheliasWeepingWillow · 17/01/2013 20:55

Sorry unless you are millionaires who give out expensive gifts like sweets he is in love with her.

Sad
scottishmummy · 17/01/2013 21:01

see you have the receipt,and text. save them safely.thats significant evidence

Original poster
madgered · 17/01/2013 21:05

We're in the early stages of divorce at the moment. This was the bottom line for me.

But because he won't admit it to me and he's told my older DC that it was nothing, and they believe him! It really haunts me. I'm doing really well working through my grief, seeing a counsellor, reading lots of self help books I'm coming out of it now.

But this issue is a persistent bugger that won't go away. I think I would be able to get over it properly if I knew that he really did or didn't. If he really was having an affair or if he was flashing his cash in order to get into her knickers. Either way its awful. But knowing for sure will help me move on. Sad

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 17/01/2013 21:08

You may never know "for sure" love

Adulterers are liars. The End. Some of them will swear black is white if they think it makes them look better.

Your energies would be better spent working on detaching from him, so that you no longer care.

LesBOFerables · 17/01/2013 21:09

I would say with 99% certainty that he was having an affair. It would be very unusual for a man on an ordinary household income to buy a woman expensive jewellery, accompanied by that text message not to be sleeping with her. Short of secret footage of them actually shagging, I'd say that was pretty conclusive evidence.

Numberlock · 17/01/2013 21:15

I'd be extremely annoyed he was discussing it with your children, is he trying to get them to take sides?

AnyFucker · 17/01/2013 21:18

Involving your children in your relationship is very low indeed

ArbitraryUsername · 17/01/2013 21:19

To be honest, I don't think it matters whether it was a proper affair or him trying to get her to have a proper affair with him. Either way his intention was to have an affair. That says everything you need to know. You are much better off without someone who would cheat on you. Now you realise that you can move on with your life.

It doesn't matter that your older DC believe him. That said, I'd be livid that he'd brought them into his and tried to get them on 'his side'. That's really shitty behaviour.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 17/01/2013 21:20

You're still sharing a house?

lubeybooby · 17/01/2013 21:20

There's no way it was 'nothing'

ledkr · 17/01/2013 21:22

I'd cut off his balls with cheese wire.

Original poster
madgered · 17/01/2013 21:23

Im sorry to say the DC heard the fallout when I discovered this on Boxing Day. They needed explanations mainly my 17 and 22 year old. The other two are younger and weren't in earshot. He's accusing me of turning them against him. I haven't mentioned this to them since. I won't unless they ask. My 22year old DD was terribly upset and believes it was just a flirtation. My 17 DS thinks he's an idiot.

People are so stupid, they just don't think about the hurt and destruction they cause.

OP posts:
Pan · 17/01/2013 21:28

madgered - I'd appreciate you want clarity in it for your own very good reason.

I'm pretty sure you have the clarity on this thread. You couldn't be clearer short of walking in on it.

and of course he is going to deny it to the dcs if he can't admit it to you.

Darkesteyes · 17/01/2013 21:45

This thread is giving me chills. My dad did this to my mum two years ago. But my mum moved into my room when i moved out 21 yrs ago so its not exactly the same.
OP im sorry you are going through this. Id be bloody livid.

scottishmummy · 17/01/2013 21:58

I'm always bemused by the kick Him in clackers,kill him,garrote him,peel him shout outs
what exactly does such yo-yo sista hyperbole add?actually nothing it's like Kyle show
get what real life support you can,gather your pals, and accept it's going to be bumpy

Delayingtactic · 17/01/2013 21:59

He's either had an affair or was desperately trying to.

Your poor DC. I cannot imagine being ok with my dad having a 'flirtation' - I would be pretty fucking upset.

I understand why this was the final straw for your marriage. If my DH did this now it would be out of the blue but would indicate that the writing was on the wall for our marriage, even though we don't have other probs.

I don't think given that you have adult children that your STBExH will admit to it, unless its years down the line or the DC have given up on him. Whilst he may not have anything to lose admitting it to you, he has a heck of a lot to lose with your DC.

TheSecondComing · 17/01/2013 22:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
madgered · 17/01/2013 22:10

Yes delayingtactic. you're right. he's not admitting it to me because like you say, he has a lot to lose with the DC. They're not stupid. they know.

whether he did it or not, the intention was/is there. It's the same thing really. Thanks for helping me think it through. I can go on and work through this now and continue through the healing process and move on. Xx

OP posts:
Original poster
madgered · 17/01/2013 22:13

TheSecondComing lol! I did seriously think of taking an ax to it. butt I returned it to him with a very dignified note explaining why I couldn't accept it.

OP posts:
AnAirOfHope · 18/01/2013 01:53

Your children will work out the truth in their own time. They are old enough to deal with this like adults but it will be bumpy.

New boundries have to be set that the children are kept out of your marriage and the end of it.

In the end its your relationship with STBXH and he checked out first.

I think i would stone wall the children "I am ending my relationship with my husband because this was unacceptable to me but he is still your Father and loves you".

You will never know everything and that is why you cant have a marrage with this man.

Im sorry you are going thru this but i think you did the right thing and good luck for the future.