DH's gift to OW

[madgered]

Tell me what you think. My DH gave OW a £250 bracelet for Christmas. I saw a text he sent saying; "Hi gorgeous. Happy Christmas x". He says it was just a flirtation and nothing sexual happened. He says they met a couple of times for lunch and spoke on the phone quite a lot. What would you think if you were me?

I would add - don't mix the two issues - encourage him to spend as much time as possible with his children (up to 50% of course); maintenance is a separate thing, don't confuse the two.

Also it would only be reasonable to expect to show some flexibility on both sides if you have to swap the occasional night/weekend.

Yes, OK I see what you're saying.

I agree numberlock in time I may feel reasonable. At the moment I want to be bitch from hell. Hopefully by the time that's all sorted. I will have calmed down.

madgered Try to think of it as being flexible for your children, not him. Try to think of contact time as time for your children to get a good amount of time with their parent (which they deserve), not something he's getting. You don't want to be bitch from hell to your children, I am absolutely sure!

No. You're right. I need to prioritise.

I'm feeling so down and crap and he's walking around cheerful and whistling.

What steps are you taking to arrange separate living, OP?

he refuses to move out. I cant. We try to avoid each other. I don't cook for him and tonight for the first time he's cooked, but not for me. Which is good, what I want. but today's been tough. Our DS had a music concert and we all travelled together to see him and had to spend the day together. I found it hard, it's set me back. He seems quite cheerful. I just want to kill him every time I have to look at him. any tips would be very helpful. trying to maintain no contact is impossible.

I'll look into the occupation order. We're in the early stages of divorce at the moment. he isn't unpleasant or abusive. my solicitor says there isn't anything I can do unless he's abusive . I'm just so hurt by what he's done, I'm finding it hard even just hearing him move around. AArgh!
I've lost 1/2 stone since Christmas! looking quite hot actually!

I've done something really silly. I've managed to get hold of his phone. I've hidden it and I'm going to try and hack into it. I need to know if he's still seeing her. I know this is bad and compulsive behavior. he's going nuts trying to find it, suspects I've got it. Oh god what am I doing. should I just throw it away?

Yes it is password protected and it was on vibrate. Couldn't crack the password.

I felt so awful about it I got rid of it and threw it in the river! My guilt will haunt me for days. At least I won't turn crimson when he employs our entire household for a second day of searching.

That was one of my maddest psycho moments and I'm not proud. I hope I don't have anymore of these episodes. Horrible feeling.

He's furious. Can't get in touch with OW.

He's convinced I've got it. I just look disinterested.

I hope you delete history when youre finished on mums net,and laptop/ipad/ phone

I laughed at the waterborne phone, my fantasies are around throwing it on the fire in front of him. I do regularly pop into the kitchen and sneakily turn the wifi on and off again - the 'poor connection' drives him wild!

I don't think this atmosphere is at all healthy for you and the children.

It can take a long time till divorce and the sale of houses. It really isn't worth living under the same roof until that happens.

It's all very well for solicitors to say 'sit tight' and 'you can't force him to move out' but they are giving legal advice, not advice about the emotions involved or the harm all this does to children.

Can you at least try to sit down with him and have a civil conversation about how this living together is bad for you all and as he has other properties, it would be better for him to move out? Or for you all to move into one of them, or rent another? You can get something legally drawn up in the interim that will protect your financial interests in owned properties.

Please don't let this go on all the way till divorce. It's very bad for all of you. While I understand you trying to get into his phone and doing what you did with it, all this just raises the temperature of an already volatile situation.

I know. I wrote him a letter a week ago asking him to please give me some space to get over my awful shock at his revelations. I explained that I need to work through my grief and I need to adjust to my new life as a single mother. therefore I will no longer do things for him and with him, ie cook his meals, washing etc. To be fair he has respected my wishes and has kept out of the way. He probably feels the same!

he has now been conversing with me via email, which has thrown up it's own set of problems. He feels free to be incredibly abusive. So I've put a stop to that by blocking him.

We no longer discuss the divorce. it is now handled throughout the solicitors.

we manage to work around the children without any vibes. if they ask where daddy is I just tell them he's working late.

bedtime stories and such things somehow manage to work themselves out, sometimes he does it and sometimes I do. it's strange, but it just happens naturally without us having to say much to each other. weekends need a bit of dialogue. We're both so sensitive about keeping things calm for the DC

I am feeling calmer. especially now that I've got rid of that infernal phone.

I know it will take time, so I'm keeping myself busy. I've no where to go, he has, perhaps he'll eventually decide to clear out. I have safe havens here at home where I can escape to if need be.

time to both grow up.really.youve al got to live in that weird hate you vibe
him stop sending abusive emails,you stop acting like bulgy eyed ex throwing out phone
so long as your both intent on staying put,avoid each other,cool,cordial

I don't think it's possible for the children not to feel any vibes in this horrendous situation. You might like to think they aren't suffering any adverse effects, but I think you're kidding yourself a bit there.

I don't understand why if as a family, you own other properties, it's not possible for you and the children to move to one of those? Those are joint assets as you are married. Now that your husband has sent abusive E mails, I'd advise returning to your solicitor because emotional abuse is classified as DV these days and you would probably have enough to get him out, especially as he has places to go.

Are you absolutely sure that one of the reasons you're staying put isn't because you think he'll change his mind about the divorce? I've had the impression throughout this thread that if he hadn't been pressing to divorce, you would have caved in and believed the unbelievable about his affair. I think that's what's behind the phone business. If you were committed to divorce I don't think you would be obsessing about the affair and his contact with the OW. You know he's been at it - why did you need further proof?