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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH's gift to OW

181 replies

madgered · 17/01/2013 19:48

Tell me what you think. My DH gave OW a £250 bracelet for Christmas. I saw a text he sent saying; "Hi gorgeous. Happy Christmas x". He says it was just a flirtation and nothing sexual happened. He says they met a couple of times for lunch and spoke on the phone quite a lot. What would you think if you were me?

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 20/01/2013 17:37

nonetheless days of being housewife to the well paid man are numbered
so look for voluntary work to get exp and start thinking about employment
wouldn't he have to share any child care costs under pr anyway?

lemonstartree · 20/01/2013 17:46

Madgered, you seem to have the attitide that he must support you. I find this 'poor me, I'm a SAHM I can't work, but I'll get the house....' pathetic. FFS WHY have you not worked for 22 years ? and given that your marriage seems to be in the toilet why are you not making plans to support yourself ?

the kids - yes, he should help to support them - but why should he support you for ever ? a couple of years diminishing spousal maintenance is all you should expect - with the expectation you will be in FT work at the latest by the time the youngest is 11...

hes been an arse yes, but you sound entitled, greedy and lazy.

Original poster
madgered · 20/01/2013 17:48

yes you all have a valid point there . I guess I'm just nervous about working again after 23 years of not working. I have no idea what to do.

After my divorce I'll have to have some readjustment time and work out what to do. I feel it's early days yet to start making decisions to work. I need to look after myself and heal. after that, perhaps I'll have a clearer idea.

OP posts:
delilahlilah · 20/01/2013 17:50

Wow... I thought I was on AIBU then.... little bit harsh. If they have been in a position that she could be a SAHM due to his income, then that is their business. I fully agree that it would be good to look for something in school time, but if I could afford not to work because of DH's salary prior to kids being school age then I would choose to have the time with my children too. It's personal choice. You may finnd that he encouraged / expected the OP to stay home. He is surprised that she doesn't want to feed him etc now afterall....

delilahlilah · 20/01/2013 17:52

Op, you have many options. Look at things you can do from home or maybe something voluntary during school hours to get you started. It will help you to heal meeting new people and creating your own new life. Good luck OP

Original poster
madgered · 20/01/2013 17:57

Lemonstartree I have not worked because I have chosen to be a mum to my 4 DC. my DH wanted me to be a mum and housewife and never asked me to go out and find a job because what Im doing is a valuable part of our partnership. I live in the middle of nowhere, I supported my husband throughout the building up of his career. I have sat on committees for charities, helped out on the school PTA. There is no way anyone could say I'm pathetic, entitled, greedy and lazy.

OP posts:
izzyizin · 20/01/2013 18:11

Whatever possessed you to buy yourself a Links bracelet on his credit card, honey?

Haven't you heard of Harry Winston or Cartier? Wink

I suggest you send it back and buy yourself a classy investment piece.

Original poster
madgered · 20/01/2013 18:19

I know! izzyizin Smile

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 20/01/2013 18:20

all good experience then.do a cv think about work, given you've done stuff
you cannot seriously entertain not working for another 13yrs? why?
regards child care you use after school,cm,summer club you get on with it like everyone else.you no longer have the buffer of a rich husband. to maintain you as housewife

scottishmummy · 20/01/2013 18:26

look after self and heal sounds v woolly.you need to get a pragmatic plan.not therapy speak
you're facing a v significant life change.will be hard you need to crunch numbers
get a plan, and yes do include work.don't be defined by your divorce

Original poster
madgered · 20/01/2013 18:39

yes I agree with you scottishmummy. But one step at a time.

OP posts:
reasonstobecheerful · 20/01/2013 19:03

madgered have been there with the jewellery, my xh gave me a very expensive piece of jewellery one Christmas, most out of character for the tight sod. Well a week later he did a bunk and in chatting later on to OW it turned out this bauble had been meant for her but she turned it down so I got it. When questioned he said he'd bought us one each. The bank statement, oddly, only showed one. I sold it on ebay :-)
You say you haven't worked for a long time, I had never worked, I am ok, it isn't brilliant but it's better than living a lie. You will be ok.

Original poster
madgered · 20/01/2013 19:24

thanks reasonstobecheerful xx

OP posts:
mammadiggingdeep · 20/01/2013 19:32

Lemon.......please tell me your post was a wind up?? I hope you're not a woman?! Why has she not worked for 22 years?? She sounds greedy and entitled???! No, you're having a laugh aren't you?!

Op.....please ignore that rubbish- you are not greedy. What you've been doing for 22 years is totally valid and you could nit have forseen yourself being in this situation.

Good luck and listen to the posters who are giving you constructive help and advice xx

Original poster
madgered · 20/01/2013 20:50

Thank you mammadiggingdeep. I will ignore it. I value myself and my contributions to our family. No one is going to take that away from me.

Everyone here has been very helpful and they have certainly given me lots to consider about moving on, finding a job and how to overcome my grief at what's happened so unexpectedly in my life. Xx

OP posts:
lemonstartree · 20/01/2013 21:49

no, not a wind up. And I am female. I am not criticizing your choices, they are yours as a family. But yu are not a family any more and I do detest the attitude that the world (and your exH) owes you a living because you have been fortunate so far.Ttalking about maybe having to work in 13 years time is just ... freeloading tbh

doi a woman who earned far more than her ex H and paid the price....

winterdays · 20/01/2013 22:50

You have had a job - you are / were rearing 4 children and it doesn't get easier when they get to eleven. You enabled him to develop his career you are entitled to support or rather your share.
I'm a single parent who has always worked but you and he made a valid decision for what was best for your family. He is the one who broke his vows and you and your children should not be penalised.
Yes you do need to heal yourself
Lemon you sound very bitter you may be a kinder, less judgemental, angry person with a bit of therapy

scottishmummy · 20/01/2013 23:42

as op herself says she's not worked,shes been housewife,now circs changed
staying at home isn't job,and pragmatically given finances soon to change I'd advise op work

and winter whilst on of you may not like to hear it housewifery is not regarded as job.I think don't spend too long swimming in lake therapy.you heal by activity and dont be defined by divorce.get job, move on

spending time attacking anyone who dare assert housewife isn't a job,well that will keep you busy winter.presumably you're housewife is that why you're so touchy?

Original poster
madgered · 21/01/2013 07:20

this thread is becoming stressy and unhelpful Sad

OP posts:
Longdistance · 21/01/2013 08:02

The op has come on here for advice not criticism. It drives me nuts when MNers come on here criticizing the op. Not helpful at all.

I still can't believe he bought the ow such an expensive bracelet. It's like getting a slap in the face Sad I'm not surprised you're still obsessing about it, I would.

As for practicalities, if the other properties are in his name, it means nothing. Make sure you get yourself a good solicitor sorted so all the financial stuff can get sorted out asap.

At least you're able to avoid each other.

Numberlock · 21/01/2013 09:24

madge I agree that your number one priority is getting legal advice today/early this week. Go for a free half hour consultation at first if you wish. I think you will more settled/stronger once you know exactly what your rights are.

scottishmummy · 21/01/2013 10:12

yes get decent legal advice
write a to do list
look at what needs prioritizing
yes thread shouldn't have digressed to general points

ProphetOfDoom · 21/01/2013 11:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
madgered · 21/01/2013 11:26

I watched a fab movie last night called 'Its complicated'. It's my life! but 10 years down the line. Whoever wrote it is so insightful and sensitive. Even tho it was a piece of fiction, it still resonated with me and it gave me an idea scottishmummy about how I might plan for future employment.

I've booked my self onto a 1 day patisserie course. I love cooking and.....well.....who knows.

Meantime, my OP is still seriously haunting me, but from what others are saying, I will eventually get over it. Planning, positive affirmations and listing day to day chores is helping me get through this awful grief. Xx

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 21/01/2013 14:39

You do sound a bit stronger today. The course sounds good - it is so important to rebuild your life by developing your hobbies, interests and network of friends.

I hope you are getting decent legal advice from your solicitor - if in doubt, there is no harm in meeting with another one offering a free half hour to see if you are getting everything you are entitled to legally.