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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

seems I am married to a manipulative bully after all who is always right and never apologises

122 replies

bonhomiee · 01/09/2012 14:09

Oh dear

I am so fed up of being undermined and blamed for things and generally criticised. Also being talked down to in front of the dc and guests.

I had thought our relationship wasn't going too well due to resentment and basic incompatibility about a year and a half ago. I asked him to leave 15 mos ago after things came to a head but after a heart to heart he said he did think highly of me and things would improve. That we would get on, parent the dc together for their sake even if we were not having an emotional relationship as such.

However, another row this morning over one of the dc activity led to me losing my rag[no dc present] and calling him a manipulative bully because he is always right, never sees anyone elses POV and likes to have his own way. I had told him I was ferrying dc to this actvity [last night and this am] and then heard him talking to ds this am "I thought I was taking you but she wants to take you so I'm not." Cue crestfallen ds and me like a lemon.
I said I'll only be a minute, was just trying to help and was going to brush my teeth, came back down and they were on the way to the car!! Without even telling me they were going.

I said I was taking him and we went but asked dh what he had done that for... this has happened before, to be told its because I "was in bed" and would have missed it Hmm

I asked him if I was reading the situation correctly to say he had not a good word to say about me and had no intention of getting on fairly for the sake of the dc.

This led to him calling me an obnoxious person telling me to piss off and to shove my reading of this situation up my backside because it was absolute rubbish.

This led me to telling him I want him out that this charade can't continue and wasn't helping anybody

Where do I go from here?

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 01/09/2012 14:12

Get some legal advice WRT the house, maintenance, your finances etc, and put this man out. If he won't go, you might be able to leave without surrendering your rights to the house or you might be able to get a court order to force him out - but peoples' situations are different and it;'s best to get proper advice suitable for your circumstances.

Horsemad · 01/09/2012 14:13

To the solicitors! Not being flippant, but people like this rarely change their mindset so YOU have to change the situation.

ErikNorseman · 01/09/2012 14:13

Separation I think. You can't coexist in the same house if you don't respect each other.

Original poster
bonhomiee · 01/09/2012 14:28

I respect the things he does for the dc but he will always be top dog and I will never really be appreciated or thanked or in the right. History is always rewritten.
If he would respect me in front of others and with discipline etc[ he is unable to ask the dc to do or not do something] I could carry on and avoid the disruption.

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Original poster
bonhomiee · 01/09/2012 14:30

But it is a lie. Even when he is not being difficult he has no interest in me.. I am just a vehicle for the dc I think.

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Pochemuchka · 01/09/2012 14:44

Sorry you're going through this. I second what everyone else has said - solicitor.
I was in a similar situation for the sake of the DC but when I overheard him saying something like 'Mummy is a psycho, she will get angry if you. . . Because she is a nasty Mummy' etc to 3 year

Pochemuchka · 01/09/2012 14:45

Sorry you're going through this. I second what everyone else has said - solicitor.
I was in a similar situation for the sake of the DC but when I overheard him saying something like 'Mummy is a psycho, she will get angry if you. . . Because she is a nasty Mummy' etc to 3 year DD it was a deal breaker.

He'll totally mess your DC's (and yours) heads up if you don't leave.

Original poster
bonhomiee · 01/09/2012 17:50

He's back, he acts as if nothing has happened.

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Kernowgal · 01/09/2012 19:25

My ex was like that - we didn't have kids together but he would frequently undermine me or be rude to me in front of his parents/his kids/my family. It left me feeling like the rug had been pulled from under me; the looks on their faces told me it wasn't right.

He never apologised because he couldn't comprehend the idea that he could ever be in the wrong. He also left all decision-making to me because that way he could blame me if it went wrong.

I got out pretty sharpish after a particularly bad bout of it. I haven't looked back. If he treats you like that, you can be pretty sure that your kids will take their cue from him eventually. It will also cause your kids a lot of misery in the long run as they will feel torn between their loyalties to you both, if that makes sense.

Original poster
bonhomiee · 01/09/2012 20:30

yes,yes I really agree, thanks for that

He is on his best behaviour now Hmm

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ladyWordy · 01/09/2012 21:01

Best behaviour is just an act. :(

Undermining + gaslighting + all the rest = an abusive man. If he was a decent man he'd at least be embarrassed and apologetic about poor behaviour (if he ever behaved liked that in the first place). An abusive man will deny, act normally, and pretend you're the one with the problem.

The only way is out bonhomiee.......Sorry...

Original poster
bonhomiee · 01/09/2012 21:58

What always gets me is .. If I am always to blame for things going wrong, how does that square with him leaving everything to me... So he can blame me?Why am I the one he turns to with a problem if I am so rubbish?

Also
He lied this morning... He said that he took ds to the car to go to the activity because "I didn't want to "... Yet I heard him say to ds "She wants to take you so that means I can't... He really just wanted his own way...and instead of just asking me. like a normal person[I would have agreed}., he has to go through ds manipulating him and me.

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solidgoldbrass · 02/09/2012 02:23

It makes him feel good to undermine and upset you. That's what he thinks you're for - to be his servant and also the dumping ground for all his unhappy thoughts.
When hou're getting rid of an abusive man, it's very iimportant to remember that he doesn't matter, his wishes are irrelevant and any negative consequences are HIS fault.

Aussiebean · 02/09/2012 03:50

Present him with a packed over night bag and tell him to come back when the DCs are at school for the rest.

This will be good lesson for your children. Mum is not to be treated that way.

Original poster
bonhomiee · 03/09/2012 04:09

Can anyone explain why he has gone all quiet now...? He made tea last night and woke me for work this morning... strange helpful behavior. I guess he knows he overstepped the mark.

Why do I always think he will come round and be reasonable?
Answer, because no one else ever witnesses this and backs me uo.

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ladyWordy · 03/09/2012 10:34

It's part of a cycle bonhomiee. :( They all do it. Thinking the horrible behaviour is permanently over is, in part, what keeps people in difficult relationships...

janelikesjam · 03/09/2012 11:09

I think this nasty-nice cycle can be quite destabilising and history of course always rewrites itself ("was he really that unpleasant last week?" "perhaps he's got some good points" and so on ... ). The body/mind tries to forget, and as a result its easy to backtrack with them....

However, one good tactic is to remain alive to every disrespectful move and attitude that will eventually start to pile up, despite his manipulations and fears at the current moment that you've had enough. In other words, increase (rather than decrease) your sensitivity to his nasty intentions and actions. You don't have to respond to his attacks or accusations, but if you are in high observation mode and if you tune into the damage that is undoubtedly being done to you at the time, I think you become much more aware of what you need to do in response.

Original poster
bonhomiee · 03/09/2012 12:08

Thanks for replies
Yesterday I was at work. He bought ds a brand new bike... an early Christmas present that he "can use now "
Hmm

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Original poster
bonhomiee · 03/09/2012 18:16

seeing dh for first time tonight since saturday.. not sure what to expect apart from the likely brushing everything under the carpet scenario

I veer between feeling spineless to chuck him out and feeling unreasonable in my expectations Confused

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Abitwobblynow · 03/09/2012 21:50

Bonhomie the question you were asking? It is called the double bind. You basically cannot win.

There is a very good book (Kindle or Amazon) called 'Enough about you, what about me'. Sadly for you you will see your H described in there (and hints on how to deal with them).

He will NEVER 'see' you or acknowledge your reality. Your biggest task is to let go of any hoping and expecting that he will change. The best you can hope for is that he finds an OW to take him off your hands Grin

Abitwobblynow · 03/09/2012 21:51

Sorry, 'Enough about you, let's talk about me' - Les Carter

JugglingWithFiveRings · 03/09/2012 22:04

"He will never see you or acknowledge your reality" marking place on thread with that insightful comment from Abitwobbly - That title "Enough about you, let's talk about me" also speaking to me strongly Sad - sad for all on this thread, but at least we got this far hey ? As bonhommie says, where next we may not know just yet ....

Original poster
bonhomiee · 03/09/2012 23:01

Had a look at that book
A few things fit like

him being unable to see my pov, to empathise and have my best interests at heart

also everything is a competition between him and me, he sees me as a rival not a partner

he puts himself first.. I was once ill post surgery in hospital and he was angry about having to bring in clothes or look after dc, being moody.I was having to talk him round! If I was ever ill when the dc were babies, he would go out and leave me to it

He singles out different members of the family for "nice treatment" if they have achieved.. more glory for him

He ridicules us if we presumably show him up...not getting the best grades, or wearing a coat or whatever that he doesn't like, or being overweight ..all said as "jokes"

The biggie... blames , blames and blames us all again, won't listen, gets angry and insists we have made him late, made him take a wrong turn, made him be broke..

Makes unilateral decisions about things... schooling, house moves, or no house moves, whether a trip to the Dr is needed or not... but the goal posts change and you can't tell what is the right thing to do, and when you challenge him on it he denies what he has said and done

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Original poster
bonhomiee · 03/09/2012 23:03

That is such a sad, bad list ..I never signed up for that list

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Original poster
bonhomiee · 03/09/2012 23:10

something just struck me.. I am not looking for pity, I can live my own life, I am more than capable.

I need to know what to do...what I want to do

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