seems I am married to a manipulative bully after all who is always right and never apologises

[bonhomiee]

Oh dear

I am so fed up of being undermined and blamed for things and generally criticised. Also being talked down to in front of the dc and guests.

I had thought our relationship wasn't going too well due to resentment and basic incompatibility about a year and a half ago. I asked him to leave 15 mos ago after things came to a head but after a heart to heart he said he did think highly of me and things would improve. That we would get on, parent the dc together for their sake even if we were not having an emotional relationship as such.

However, another row this morning over one of the dc activity led to me losing my rag[no dc present] and calling him a manipulative bully because he is always right, never sees anyone elses POV and likes to have his own way. I had told him I was ferrying dc to this actvity [last night and this am] and then heard him talking to ds this am "I thought I was taking you but she wants to take you so I'm not." Cue crestfallen ds and me like a lemon.
I said I'll only be a minute, was just trying to help and was going to brush my teeth, came back down and they were on the way to the car!! Without even telling me they were going.

I said I was taking him and we went but asked dh what he had done that for... this has happened before, to be told its because I "was in bed" and would have missed it

I asked him if I was reading the situation correctly to say he had not a good word to say about me and had no intention of getting on fairly for the sake of the dc.

This led to him calling me an obnoxious person telling me to piss off and to shove my reading of this situation up my backside because it was absolute rubbish.

This led me to telling him I want him out that this charade can't continue and wasn't helping anybody

Where do I go from here?

[bonhomiee]

He has taken ds out again so will see him later..Itis hard to get the chance because whenI challenge him in any way he raises his voice and makes a huge fuss so ds can hear for eg "What are u going on about now?FGS stop going on at me ..."

[Markingthehours]

I think that probably gives you an indication of whether he will give you that commitment then Bon - and what it would be worth if he did.

You are looking too far ahead worrying about your DS if you separated. But I think what you need to do is get some legal advice so that you know what the likely outcome would be in terms of contact for DS, funds for childcare etc..

[bonhomiee]

I am feeling really stressed atm. I feel I can't enjoy being in my own home because of dhs attitude and manner towards me. I need to rest and then have come home to dh and his stonewalling and twisting.
He in turn says it is all my fault.
ds takes dh side
I want the conflict to end but am scared of losing ds .
What to do

[ladyWordy]

Perhaps try a chat with Women's Aid first bonhomiee
www.womensaid.org.uk/ 0808 2000 247

... you can just talk, and they might help you think about what to do next.

Is your DS quite young? I'm wondering why you're scared of losing him.

[fiventhree]

I really empathise. I was in the same situation last year.

You do need to do something about this, as he has all of the power at the moment. You know you are letting him have that, dont you?

I think you should see a solicitor, at least. Getting reassurance that you wont lose everything is a brilliant place to start, believe me, and gives you all sorts of new thought.

FWIW you are unlikely to lose the kids, and can make clear, if it ever did come to divorce, that his style is as you say.

I think you need to start setting real consequences on his behaviour- he doesnt care enough to change on his own, so you need to incentivise him to do so, in order to avoid those consequences.

I also think you would benefit from counselling.

Does he do these tactics?

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychological_manipulation#Basic_manipulative_strategy_of_a_psychopath

[fiventhree]

The other thing I notice about your posts is how much you think you need his permission.

It is as if yo are validating him to think the way he thinks.

Also you act as though he can do whatever he likes with eg the kids, and you cant stop him.

He had had heaps of time to study you- of course he is doing it on purpose. He knows how to win with you and just goes ahead. The only time he was wobbled was when TOLD him you were divorcing him (not asked, which is an invitation anyway to say no). Because you were in charge at that time.

For heavens sake, take back power over your own life.

I do know it is difficult. I was in your shoes for as long or longer, and doing sod all about it, other than complaining/lying awake/using the kids as a reason etc.

Either he will go too far one day (mine did) and you will just snap, and then you wont give a shit about whether he agrees or not. Or you will puzzle it out and make some moves yourself.

Good luck though.

[bonhomiee]

It's odd I feel I M trying to be reasonAble and fair rather than getting his permission but interesting to hear that. I obviously need to be stronger. Am on phone will reply more later x

[bonhomiee]

I don't feel I am validating him just that it has been almost impossible for me to believe he is being malicious rather than just moody or grumpy. Or just having a crap personality.

Things had been much better lately and I have told him I will not live unhappily in my own home and that he was making my homelife a misery.

This weekend he has been in a bad mood, and tis morning I told him he was back on his old trick of blaming me for just everything when there is nothing wrong... I gave him 24 hrs to apologise. No sign yet .He was just very rude and nasty and hostile, and not coming round with a reasonable response from me. A few weeks ago a friend persuaded me that he is a good man but just v unsupportive and critical and she did not want me to leave him in case the dc blamed me as this had happened to another friend of hers and the dc will not speak to her.

When I am "between incidents" I can't bring to mind what the problem was .. until it happens again and then I have the same chill, anger and sense of total injustice.. he just isn't fair.

Waiting for the apology, have told him I am waiting. Lets see.

[bonhomiee]

Its not about the relationship I have[nt] with him its about the life/house/plans that has been made after 20 years I don't know how to unravel financially for the children and the house. I will be happy on my own but I have concerns about blame and power and how difficult he makes things.

[MushroomSoup]

You can't stay because it's easier. You just can't.

[bonhomiee]

It would be easier for me to leave but harder for everyone else

[HissyByName]

No love, everyone is suffering! You are the only one who can save them! You have to leave.

I promise you, it's easier than you think and the rewards are mind-blowing! I can't tell you how wonderful life is away from abuse, manipulation. Life with these dreadful people never gets any better, not ever.

Only when you leave. Please take that first step?

[bonhomiee]

I just seem to have been living in hope.. that it will get better. And doubt, as my closest friend thinks our relationship has broken down because I have rejected him .. I have!! But is that because I am difficult or because he is the way I see him? No one knows because noone else is here.

[HissyByName]

It will only ever get worse.

There is NO HOPE of it EVER getting any better. NONE.

He could change anytime he wants to, but that is the key, he genuinely doesn't want to. He will do all he can to destroy you, your joy, your life. Then he'll do it to your DC to get at you.

The hardest thing is to give up that hope, it's heartbreaking. But it's the death of hope for HIM. Not for You. It's the birth of hope for you and your family.

Please don't give up on your DC, on yourself. You are all worth it.

[bonhomiee]

But he used to be nice, and is his behaviour pain/ reaction at the way I have treated him?

Why would he want to destroy me.. ? because I am against him and he doesn't want to lose ? so hes declared an all out war.

When the episode has passed I feel really upset for a day or so then it sort of fades away and I forget.

Yesterday he told ds when I was getting my shoes that I was " off my head"
I need to remember.

I told him to apologise and he hasn't. The thing is, I have told him he is makng my life a misery esp at the weekends and asked him to be more cordial and cooperative. He has been up to a point but when he is like yesterday he doesn't apologise afterwards. if he cared he would apologise really.

[bonhomiee]

Hissy.. How do you know it will never get better? And why is he doing it ?

[HissyByName]

Because I'm on the other side of all that you face. I'm out. You can (and must) be too!
:)
If you read Why Does He Do That? By Lundy Bancroft, you will understand that it's his choice to do this, and that he chooses to abuse you, your DC and anyone else he can just to get at you. He does it because he can, and becauise he wants to.

Almost 2 years ago my ex left my home, and after a fairly dismal 6m, I started to put myself back together. I did the freedom programme, some counselling, and support groups.

I've learnt the dynamics of abuse, I'm here to try to help those to navigate their way to safety abd freedom. I listen to my instincts and my life is transformed to beyond my wildest imagination! I'm nothing special, but by Christ it feels that I am sometimes!

Please trust us? We only want to see you happier. That'll never ever happen while this poison gas of a person remains in your life.

[HissyByName]

The 'nice' in the beginning? We all chase that! It doesn't exist!

It's a fake persona they use to hook people, but they can't sustain it.

[BessieMcBean]

Why does he do it is to do with his own childhood and upbringing and inherited temperament.

What do you know of his childhood? Probably very little.

What do you think will happen when DS leaves home (sorry don't know his age). Can you imagine how dh will be?

I feel v sorry for DS. He should be concentrating on his own life not being pulled about by his DF.

I don't know how you have put up with this for so long.

[bringupthebabies]

We know it doesn't get any better partly because many of us put up with the types of experiences you describe for years and years (and the experiences are all very similar, so recognisable - as if from a script. Once you start researching abuse many aspects of it are uncannyily familiar);
and partly because the cause of his behaviour is innate in him - it's a constant need for control.

The blame thing is to put you down and keep him on top so that he controls what goes on and you don't challenge it. Control=power and power feels good. Power and control feel good to all of us but to an abuser it's a necessity, and they will use varying degrees of abusive behaviour to achieve it - from grinding you down with trivia, emotional abuse to physical. It often escalates.

You will never get his consent to separate in a measured, mature manner. That would be to relinquish control for him. He will never agree to it. If you want anything to change you will have to change it yourself.

If I had one piece of advice it would be to go to a solicitor. Find out where you would stand if you left with your DS. Just go as a fact finding mission and DON'T tell him.

[HissyByName]

Hilde: a month out, and you can say life is better already?

You just wait.... i can't actually tell you what sheer bliss and elation waits for you!

Get yourself on the Freedom Prog, and get some therapy (proper talking therapy) CBT is not the best for post abuse, its good, better than nothing, teaches you to cope etc, but a therapist will open the.gates to the life you never had, but.deserved.