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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

seems I am married to a manipulative bully after all who is always right and never apologises

122 replies

bonhomiee · 01/09/2012 14:09

Oh dear

I am so fed up of being undermined and blamed for things and generally criticised. Also being talked down to in front of the dc and guests.

I had thought our relationship wasn't going too well due to resentment and basic incompatibility about a year and a half ago. I asked him to leave 15 mos ago after things came to a head but after a heart to heart he said he did think highly of me and things would improve. That we would get on, parent the dc together for their sake even if we were not having an emotional relationship as such.

However, another row this morning over one of the dc activity led to me losing my rag[no dc present] and calling him a manipulative bully because he is always right, never sees anyone elses POV and likes to have his own way. I had told him I was ferrying dc to this actvity [last night and this am] and then heard him talking to ds this am "I thought I was taking you but she wants to take you so I'm not." Cue crestfallen ds and me like a lemon.
I said I'll only be a minute, was just trying to help and was going to brush my teeth, came back down and they were on the way to the car!! Without even telling me they were going.

I said I was taking him and we went but asked dh what he had done that for... this has happened before, to be told its because I "was in bed" and would have missed it Hmm

I asked him if I was reading the situation correctly to say he had not a good word to say about me and had no intention of getting on fairly for the sake of the dc.

This led to him calling me an obnoxious person telling me to piss off and to shove my reading of this situation up my backside because it was absolute rubbish.

This led me to telling him I want him out that this charade can't continue and wasn't helping anybody

Where do I go from here?

OP posts:
Original poster
bonhomiee · 06/09/2012 14:05

Have just ordered the book thankyou for the link.

I am supposed to be studying but I think this is really important. He may not be physically threatening but he makes me feel devalued and to blame for all of his difficulties/things not being perfect. And he won't listen to my side or say sorry/compromise.

OP posts:
airedailleurs · 06/09/2012 14:16

thank you for the link lady - I have also just ordered the book

amillionyears · 06/09/2012 15:23

op,sorry to hear all this
I am going to say some things and guess some things.Please correct me if I am wrong
Sounds like DH loves you
sounds like DH knows very well that he is wrong on so many things
sounds like DH doesnt actually like himself very much,and I actually hesitiate to write that he may not actually like himself at all
sounds like DH may be frightened to lose you.

Not sure if you love him at all now or not

If you are serious about wanting to stay with him,I do think you need to start with the dealbreaker.Else both of you are not going to have a chance of being happy together.

amillionyears · 06/09/2012 15:27

Not sure if you said what sort of job he does,or whether he is self employed.
Do you think that partly he controls you because he feels he has no control of other parts of his life.Not meaning to make this seem like he has an excuse for his bad behaviour.

And did you mean that he took the kids to school today,because you had the week off and enjoy doing it,so he was either bieng competitive,didnt want you to enjoy yourself or something else.

LemonDrizzled · 06/09/2012 17:13

OP so much of what you say is familiar. Why not pop over to The EA Thread or the new one when that one is full? You will find your NSDH there if you read the links.

JugglingWithFiveRings · 06/09/2012 17:33

An alternative view perhaps in some ways to a million years - that maybe sometimes it's good to have a deal-breaker ? Perhaps some deals need to be broken, especially with women in possibly EA relationships, who can perhaps be too forgiving ? ( Though I think forgiveness does have it's place, just not in every situation/ not as an alternative to moving on from bad relationships. )

Original poster
bonhomiee · 06/09/2012 17:40

Thankyou for taking the time to work out what might be happening and trying to help me reason it through

OP posts:
ladyWordy · 06/09/2012 17:42

You're welcome bonhomiee and airedailleurs? I do hope it helps.
Half the battle is recognising that it's not you, it's not OK, and something really is going on.

It all takes time to process, though...

amillionyears · 06/09/2012 17:59

jwfr,but if that deal-breaker is an affair,which it may or may not be in this case,that is going to be incredibly hurtful to the one who was cheated on.Depends what the deal breaker is maybe, but I'm struggling to come up with a "good" one. I sort of see what you mean,but it would almost be,2 wrongs dont make a right.

PooPooOnMars · 06/09/2012 18:28

Sounds like my fil. Always has to be right, always puts other people down publicly. General cunting bully!

Original poster
bonhomiee · 06/09/2012 19:08

He is not a loud domineering bully in public.. he is v quiet and shy. But he is v negative and blaming at home as well as having mini tantrums on important days. And being deliberately difficult/ leaves things to me/ won't sort stuff out/ insists its him who does everything

Am torn between thinking he is just a bully who showed his true colours when he got me trapped into marriageand is worse since I have turned against him, .... and someone who is stuck because he thinks/knows I don't love him anymore and he is desperately getting me back at any opportunity.

OP posts:
Original poster
bonhomiee · 06/09/2012 22:02

get back at me I mean

Million I haven't thought like this for a while so thankyou for raising this.. I think he did love me a lot. More perhaps than I loved him. Maybe that was the original problem I don't know. He was never very big on empathy and hates to be shown up in public like if for eg he doesn't like my coatConfused.. those traits have got a bit worse. Things got worse because he doesn't listen, we don't agree on many things and he always wants his own way. He tends to get stressed and storm off and blames me, so for many years it hasn't felt as if he is really a helpful partner and he is on my side.. in fact he makes everything much more difficult.

Then came the dealbreaker, on top of all the unsupportiveness that had gone before.. all the times he spoilt a day trip with the dc or refused to wait and set off without us, paled into insignificance or rather became illuminated bythis selfish and unsupportive action. Except this time it really really mattered and I was completely devastated at what happened. I felt there was no going back from that and now is the first time since then I have had a glimmer of feeling for what has been lost.

A lot of it is he just can't communicate so no one ever knows what is going on and how to sort things out. You can never pin him down so he is never responsible for anything.. in short I am always to blame. And that makes life difficult.

OP posts:
amigoingmadhere · 07/09/2012 00:52

bonhomiee - sorry it's late and I have to go to sleep . not much to add to other posters' comments for now but just wanted to say that I could have written almost every detail of your posts - my H (hopefully STBXH) is precisely like this - to a tee. We have been separated (not that he even recognises this at all) for a few weeks now and I can tell you I have never felt such a sense of relief and calm as I do now (despite having three young dcs, including a newborn). More another time.

amillionyears · 07/09/2012 08:03

It sounds like you are finding it helpful to write all this down on here.
The important days,when he seems even worse,I cant quite get my head around why he would do that.
We do have something in our household,which me and my DH name PVT -pre visiting tension. We have both noticed in each other,that we go a bit antsy if say we are off anywhere important,either seperately or together.And have learnt over the years to give each other some extra emotional room.

PooPooOnMars · 07/09/2012 08:05

Op. He sounds so incredibly difficult to live with and to have a relationship with! The problem here is not who loved who the most years ago, its nothing but the fact that he is an extremely difficult man! I don't know how you've put up with it all these years.

I sort of want to put a name to it, a label to sum him and his behaviour up but i don't know which one would be appropriate. It some ways he sounds controlling though. The coat, the ruining of days out, the going out without you etc. Yes i would say he's a bully too.

Original poster
bonhomiee · 07/09/2012 09:51

I agree.. too much water under the bridge now but it was interesting for me to go down memory lane to explore what went wrong. The truth is I tried very hard and put him first[after dc] for a long time.. it didn't work he was still moody and difficult.
He can control it... he is fine at work and quite a self controlled person so that makes me think its voluntary when he loses his temper at home..which is more as if he does it on purpose, because he can and no one will stop him.
I am not like that..the whole process of disagreement upsets me and I prefer to work together. If I am sad, I try to control it but can't just switch it off at will. It is usually me who gets upset by his behaviour..he is quite happy after his tirades and jokes arond with the dc which is why, if things don't change asap I think I should get him to move out... he has had his chances to be fair and if he can't control his moods I would expect him to be contrite and gutted after spoiling things... the fact that he isn't makes it seem intentional.

Thanks again for everyones thoughtful and insightful comments xx

OP posts:
Original poster
bonhomiee · 07/09/2012 10:01

amigoing..sounds as if you are very much not going mad here and sorry to hear you stbxh is similar..its so difficult isn't it? All the best with a smooth break and for your future xx

OP posts:
amillionyears · 07/09/2012 10:02

Have you read the book Men are from Mars And Women are from Venue.Havent read it myself,not sure if it would help at all.
Another book which may help is "Why Women Talk And Men Walk" .Again not sure if it would be of any use to you personally or not.It is about working together,but in a different way.

One other thing.One of my sons,aged around 20, is different in public to when he is in private.At workhe is controlled,perfectly able to communicate effectively,liked etc. But at home,he sort of "flops". He says he does it at home because he can. They are both him iyswim. I have to limit his "floppiness" at home,sorry cant think of a better word for it.

Eurostar · 07/09/2012 10:30

OP, one thing you can take from this to help your own self-confidence is that men like your H, they usually pick very capable and popular partners because they see in them what they want, unfortunately, they then go on to break them down and try to stamp it out because in the end you became a reminder of their own inner demon voice that they are shameful and not good enough and others are better. Hence your male equivalent of Hyacinth Bucket, who needs to keep up appearances of having the perfect, achieving, well presented family when really you are all just there as an extension of him rather than as individuals to be valued and loved. I'm sorry to say that he probably can't bear the idea of breaking up the family because he fears people will see him as flawed, it's all about him, plus he probably fears the change because he is probably full of fear deep down.

You say he is popular - yet you go onto to say he does not really have any friends. Work colleagues, some chats with people from a long time back on FB. He is not really popular at all is he? It's classic for women in your position to say that the H is really popular when, if you step back, he isn't.

You can never fix him or change him I'm afraid.

amillionyears · 07/09/2012 10:36

Agree with some of what Eurostar says.
But some DHs or DPs will allow themselves to be moulded or improved.

PooPooOnMars · 07/09/2012 10:48

I think you are going down the wrong route trying to work out where things yet wrong. It seems to me that he is just this way, so the only thing you could have done differently is to pick a different man!

Original poster
bonhomiee · 07/09/2012 16:34

Eurostar I had a little doubt before getting married..I should have listened to that doubt. I agree we are reflections of him rather than just people and its all about him otherwise why not break up... I am sure one of the reasons he will not divorce is his dad would disapprove.
He's not really popular no, but he presents himself as a gentle quiet soul.

Not being the perfect love of my life would have been ok but apart from being a good "provider" all else has been terrible.

OP posts:
JugglingWithFiveRings · 07/09/2012 16:57

" I'm sure one of the reasons he will not divorce is ..."

Surely you can divorce or separate from him though ?

Like that book title said "Enough about him, what about you ?" or something along those lines

Original poster
bonhomiee · 07/09/2012 17:40

Yes I can.
But before I do I just need to check that this is permanent behaviour rather than just a reactive behaviour to the breakdown of our relationship

OP posts:
fiventhree · 07/09/2012 17:57

OP you dont need to check.

Read back your own thread. You nearly left him 15 months ago, and here you are again.

He doesnt really believe it is his issue. He thinks it is yours, doesnt he? Really, he does.

He just doesnt want to be alone.

So he will treat you like shit until you threaten divorce or have a rage, then back off just in time when he has gone too far, then when the dust settles it will all start again.

He needs counselling, and to want to change, but he doesnt want it.